Ascended Mogul + Ultimate Artist


#241

Sounds like that therapist may have been going for the ‘tough love’ approach. He was trying to present an image of a positive, attainable future, but it blocked his ability to see and connect with where you were in that moment. It’s a mistake that some therapists make (maybe all of them make it, at one point or another).

Growth and progress.

Yes. It’s a good idea to take all of those diagnoses with a grain of salt. They can be useful tools or gauges of areas where you’re stuck or where you need some work.

But almost all of them are not based on any clear biological foundation. Rather they’re sort of reverse-engineered from statistically commonly-observed patterns. When it comes to personality and the mind, it’s very difficult to get wide consensus on very straightforward causal factors and mechanisms. We can be impacted by so many different factors, and what we can become in the future is very diverse as well. For the most part, the statistical patterns represented in a mental health diagnosis are a sophisticated snapshot of where you might be at a particular point in time.

Like a ‘You are Here’ arrow on a map. It’s good for getting your bearings, but not so much for deciding where you’ll head to next.

I didn’t really get burned by a therapist, but I did find that, in general, they didn’t communicate at a sensitive enough level to satisfy me. It was difficult to feel ‘seen’. I can also see that my attitude and style definitely contributed to that. But I’d have appreciated a more subtle, sensitive, and internally flexible approach, I think.

I agree with you that trust and safety are of paramount importance when it comes to doing this kind of inner growth work. Bluster and bravado, faking it till you make it; those things can be appropriate and great in situations where impressions matter more than substance. I think they’re important skills. Sometimes you have to tell your emotions ‘not now, amigo. we’re doing something else.’ But sooner or later, you also need to shut up and listen to what they’re telling you. To do that you need to be in a space (physical, interpersonal, etc.) that feels safe.

I don’t have the answer to this question. (I know I’m the one asking it, not you). One idea that comes to mind is to make use of online therapy services. There are some where you just pay on a session to session basis, and you can keep switching to different people in the network until you find one that matches well with what you need. (Yes, there’s the risk of just therapist hopping and switching from one to another for less than good reasons, but hey, you have to trust yourself at some time.)

[Adding: I would also recommend either Person-Centered Therapy or Emotion-Focused Therapy as two therapy approaches that seem harmonious with what you’re working on. The therapist you described may have been using a Cognitive-Behavioral approach. A great approach, but some practitioners focus less on empathy.]

From a subliminals standpoint, it seems like it would make sense to pair up an emotional healing subliminal (Regeneration) with something like Inner Circle, to help to manifest those specific relationships, guides, etc., that are appropriate for your healing journey.

I was planning to use Inner Circle in the next phase of my own journey, but I (perhaps like you) also have a sense that I don’t want to be too swept up in relationships and interactions before I’m better at maintaining my own center. I find that I often listen more closely (and sometimes more passively) than many others do, and so, if I’m not careful, I end up allowing others’ points of view to dominate. So, I’ve decided to run Emperor first.


#242

Do you feel that the avoidant label gets to the core of a lot of what you are dealing with?

If so, that’s pretty important/salient.


#243

Yeah I’ve never responded well to tough love, ever. Tough love feels like the equivalent of treating someone like an idiot. I think most people know what they are dealing with, they don’t need a lecture on what they should do. They need support.

Definitely, I don’t put much weight in it. It’s more so a very convenient definition of what I’ve gone through in life. I don’t see it as a state of permanence, some people do it’s really sad and sometimes therapists perpetuate that. Avoidant personality is a VERY misunderstood problem. People who suffer from it kind of fall through the cracks of society, it’s not always life crippling, but it causes significant distress. I’ve learned it’s a very complex spider web of issues, most likely stemming from an innate sensitivity. High sensitivity isn’t a common trait, so when people attempt to help they aren’t in that “frame”. It’s like my nervous system is more highly tuned, I feel more, I’m affected more, I can’t really turn it off. Not necessarily a bad thing, it only is when you don’t have a firm stable sense of self worth. That’s basically the shield that protects you from all the terrible stuff in the world and if you didn’t get that as a kid or failed to integrate it, that sensitivity is a huge problem when you take things to heart more than you should.

That was my feeling as well. In life I was constantly pushed to do things more and more, but it feels like nobody ever took my anxiety issues seriously or just outright denied them or thought I’d grow out of it. I don’t need a therapist that mirrors that exact pattern.

I might look into that. I’ll have to think about it. Right now I also don’t want to be spending more money on something that may or may not help me. I’m not exactly in the greatest financial place right now and I’ve got a budget I try to stay within. It’s obviously an investment in myself, but if things don’t pan out it’ll cause me more stress which isn’t good.

And the therapist was absolutely Cognitive Behavioral based. But he came at it in such a scripted, non-flexible way, it was dehumanizing in a way. I’ve got a bone to pick with the cogntiive behavioral therapy craze, but that’s a rant for another time lol.

I’ve actually been listening to Regeneration when I can. Right now I have rebirth in my stack. I don’t know if I should swap those two loops of it out for regeneration. It’s so odd because sometimes I feel like I’m past something and then I get dragged back down. Like a momentary high from reframing past events, but they creep up again. I’ll have to look into inner circle too.

As far as relationships go, I feel what you’re saying and I relate. But I also would like to let go of that focus at the same time. I’ve put off a lot of relationships “waiting” to get better. It’s a dangerous place to be for me because it’s possible what I need is to be in more relationships and open up to people more. And when I think about it I also don’t want to hurt people. My moods have always been kind of unstable and I pull away a lot, go dark, lose relationships. For a while I just didn’t want to form new relationships because I was afraid I’d self sabotage them in some way.

I sort of answered this above, but yeah. It’s a very accurate portrayal of what I’ve been through and still go through to some degree in my life. But they are a bunch of symptoms to much larger problems that I’ve found are being addressed with subliminal use.


#244

Amen. I definitely hear that.

Meh, what I’ve said are just ideas. Food for thought. Of course, your own intuition and considered observation of your circumstances and feelings are the best guides.

Sounds like you may already be familiar with Elaine Aron’s concept of the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). I’m in that category as well (as are a good many people). It’s really almost something of a subculture. There are definitely important insights and challenges to be navigated that come with that territory. A lot of unintentional harms happen even from well-meaning people; and they often happen when the HSP is too young and uncertain to be able to assertively correct the situation. So, once we get older and figure out what’s going on, we’ve got to do the ol’ reparenting, reframing, and reorienting. Incorporating standards, strategies, and support systems that are better suited to who we are. That way we can thrive.

You’re sounding pretty solid to me and I’m glad to hear that. I know that walking through these things involves ups and downs, and takes both time and physical process. Not just a quick intellectual answer. I can hear your willingness to walk the walk, and I envision that process taking you to (and through) some very good places.

May you encounter with awareness the good that is currently in and around you, and may that good give birth to ever greater good, ten-fold and one thousand-fold.


#245

I think this is really insightful. I’ve wrangled with this on and off throughout life.

I’ve long felt that social life/interaction was my main challenge area in life. I got married and had children and am in a slightly unique geographical situation. Those things allow me to not focus on it so much. But it’s an area that could use a lot of healing and growth.

My number one priorities at this time are wealth and self-determination. But later I may focus more on it again. Inner circle and regeneration are probably in my future as well.


#246

Thanks. I appreciate all your input. Always nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of.

With regards to the relationship thing. Had you not gotten married or had kids do you think you’d be struggling more with feelings of loneliness? I’m at a point in my life where I don’t really see myself having a family to be honest. Sometimes I feel as if I have enough trouble taking care of myself and getting into a committed relationship would be a trainwreck for me.


#247

I feel like nothing on the outside will ever impact my happiness. I can’t tell if that’s a form of fear or reconciliation to get me to avoid moving towards my goals in life. Or if It’s just based on my experiences in the past.

My main issue is that every sort of milestone in my life, whether I’ve overcome challenges or achieved something, they make no difference to my overall happiness. And the reason for that is at my core I just feel emotionally torn up. So much of my life has been pretending, trying to connect with other people and society. And for whatever reason I can’t. There’s just this massive wall. It’s all very intangible and irrational. But it’s there. So when people say to just open up or trust others more, easier said than done.

I just feel like there’s so much wrong and I’m the cause of my own unhappiness. But at the same time I don’t know what the fuck is going on or how I can fix it. That’s frustrating because the common advice on how to improve your life doesn’t apply to me. It’s not outside circumstances making me unhappy, it’s myself and any part of life I’m in. Wherever I go, it follows me. It just so happens what I struggle with is not something most people do. And it doesn’t help that whenever I’ve opened up to people about all this I’m made to feel like a fucking idiot because I can’t just get over myself.

I guess that’s part of my issues with motivation. If nothing ever makes a difference, why the fuck does anything matter at all? Most people can stay disciplined because down the road they know the positive impact it will have. When your life is a series of letdowns where you think something is going to turn your life around or make a difference and it does jack shit it gets to you after a while.

I’m just at a low right now. I wanted to write this down so I have something to look back on. I’m afraid sometimes that everything I’m doing isn’t actually doing anything and I’m just going to be trying to be happy in my life until the day that I die.


#248

Fuck it. I have to at least try right? It might not fix all my problems getting my life on track with how I want it to be, but it’s better than being stuck in crap circumstances and feeling like shit. To assume it’ll all be the same and outright dismiss it before I’ve even gotten there is foolish. And I’d probably regret it down the road for not having the foresight to go for it anyway.

I think it’s hard for me to make good decisions sometimes. I get so depressed and hopeless and it feels like life can just seem like a never ending grind with no end in sight. It clouds my judgement a lot.

I’m making peace with the fact that I have these issues I need to work though. But that doesn’t mean I should hold off on my life to solve them. I deserve what life has to offer me, even if I’m a complicated soul. To be perfectly honest I feel ashamed sometimes and weak. For stuff that kind of just happened to me and I had to live with, which doesn’t make any sense. So I guess I can start there and cut some slack on needing to have this all figured out to enjoy my life.


#249

Wow! when I read your post it sounds like it’s me writing it not so long ago. That feeling fucking sucks and nobody can take you out of it. I hated being in that situation. It was like depression was a blessing compared to how I felt. But you will get through it even if you don’t see or know how to.


#250

Your right. I made those mistakes. I’ve hated myself for those mistakes. I’ve lost parts of my life due to that. I was stupid young and didn’t know shit and followed bad advice. I’m only now forgiving myself for my past and moving forward with life. Getting into a relationship in hopes of things getting better is probably the worst thing to do. I did that. Once that honeymoon stage wares off you wake up in hell. And then your kids come out to life all fucked up and you blame yourself for all of it. If I knew what I know now I wouldn’t take advice from someone who themself has a bad life and marriage. Most people are un worthy of giving advice. And taking their advice will make your life like theirs. I did that. Heal yourself and only go into that when it’s there right time. Even if it’s towards the end of your life. Would you rather enjoy a few years of bliss or endure many years of misery?


#251

Evening out the stack, so what I’ve got now is the following

3xAM
3xUA
2XRebirth

Lately I’m learning the importance of not suppressing my feelings, but also making sure I don’t get wrapped up in them. I think for most of my life I’ve tried to be overly positive, tried to sort of brainwash myself out of my feelings. But feelings are important, they tell you what’s wrong and where you need to go. And for me, the life I’m living right now feels suffocating.

I’m also affirming to myself to take action regardless of how “ready” I feel I am. That’s a huge issue of mine. Trying to get everything perfect before I take action. It hasn’t worked, it never works. It just leads to paralysis, missing out, not moving forward. Nothing will ever be perfect. But I guess my perfectionism is a way to avoid rejection. In some messed up part of my mind I guess I always had the belief if I always do everything right I would never face painful rejection. But the weight I put on my own two shoulders of needing to be this super human has been crushing me for a while now. I’ve never given myself breathing room and told myself it’s ok where I’m at and to just keep going, stop worrying about trying to fix it all in one go.


#252

I am really not trying to be mimic a motivational guru here, but have ever thought about your current issues in the way, that they will help you craft astonishingly unique art?
Often people who created the most iconic and beautiful music were the ones with a difficult past.


#253

Societal advice in a nutshell.


#254

I’ve thought about it, but it just seems like a way to feed my ego. Especially if I don’t have much to show for it. It might be the case down the road. But I’m inclined to believe it’s not the pain that causes the great art in people. Might just be a case of correlation because that individual was predisposed to certain things because of the nature of who they are.


#255

Yes, I dont mean it now, I mean later one. You experienced pain yourself and can express it better than one who didnt. People will notice the difference.


#256

I was driving home today and I had an awakening. That’s the only way I can describe it. It felt like I was receiving dialogue or advice from someone outside myself. Oddly enough it occurred when I played Regeneration on my ride home. Possibly releasing blocks to my more powerful self? Decided I’m going to play that once at night while I’m falling asleep. My stack is too big during the day, but Regeneration is like an internal massage for your emotions and negative beliefs.

Basically this limited way I’ve been living for a long time now, it needs to go. I could see how my life played out based solely on the beliefs I held. The broken one. That could sum up my life. Always in pain, always trying to fix myself, always on a neverending treadmill to getting better or fighting my inner demons. But I see that was the carefully crafted role for myself. I was trying to get better inside of that role, that identity. As long as I held that identity though, I wouldn’t move on to bigger and better things. So I started letting it all go. Everything i ever thought I knew about myself. And what I found was a core awareness, a state of being that was more powerful that the limited roles I had assigned to myself. Much like nature, a strong wind, crashing ocean waves, I am more than this limited human role that modern society pushes into your brain. My previous fears of leaving it all behind are gone because I’ve found infinitely more comfort and power in understanding what I really am.

I understand this isn’t a light switch though. This is like building a muscle, but I see it now. More importantly I feel it. This is what I’ve been looking for all my life. Not success in the world. Success in myself, in my mastery of my own reality. No longer giving my power away to other people. Ascended Mogul is an accurate description of what’s coming, I feel like I’m moving beyond the limiting reality I confined myself to before. And I’m so goddamn glad I can do that. Looking back on my suffering in life, I’ve always had this awareness but never knew how to achieve it. It’s not common wisdom among other people. Like an itch i couldn’t scratch, but it honestly feels like I’m coming home and settling into a power I’ve been missing for a long time.


#257

The most significant changes are not those of the foreground, but those of the background, of the experiential texture of our lives and minds. These changes are difficult to point to and put into words, but as they happen they seem to shift everything simultaneously.

Ordinarily, people focus on the foreground. The dramatic. The actor or performer moving about on stage. Wise people (I think) learn to tend to the ground, the background. Not just the actor but the stage itself. The (ordinarily quiet) seismic foundations of activity.

am inspired by your process


#258

I think as far as subs go Regeneration is a sleeper. Wish I threw this into the mix a few months ago instead. I’ve realized one thing, new beliefs and new realities aren’t hard. The biggest thing holding most people back is their past. Clear that and it frees you to create.

I’ve been in this strong tug of war trying desperately to move my life where it needs to go. But I burned so much energy just battling old beliefs and trying to hold onto a new state before I cleared the old. The old stuff is like the anchor that weighs you down.

I think when it comes to self growth it’s good to have a solid system or plan of action. Otherwise when you hit frustrating points it’s too easy to blame yourself vs realizing maybe the approach was just wrong. I think for me giving extra attention to removing the past is important so I can internalize the new.


#259

Regeneration is heavily slept on by folks. It’s not a “glamour” sub, but by God it’s fundamental.


#260

Strong urge to just rage out right now. It’s like all the stupid rules that were ingrained in me growing up are coming to the surface and I’m pissed that I followed them. The fact that I didn’t trust myself, I considered the opinions of others more valid than mine, and worst of all how I’d take to heart any type of mean spirited comments I got vs confronting a person for being a douche.

I think overall, especially at this job, I’m so irritated that I had rose colored glasses for a while. Automatically assuming other people had my best interest at heart, fuck that. My manager is gone on vacation and I’m holding shit down here. But today I got an urgent request to update 700 lines of items mid-day on a production server and say no fucking way. But this is the kind of shit people pull because I’m seen as “lesser” in their eyes even though my manager agreed with me 100%. I had to CC him on an email in order to get my answer to be taken seriously.