Ascended Mogul + Ultimate Artist


#281

Everything’s harder when your self-worth is tied to it.

Too much at stake to allow the creative process.


But I also think we all deal with this. I think the subliminals will help over time.

Maybe including more people (at times) might help too, although I personally haven’t really done this for a long time. In college, I’d sometimes meet with a couple of people and play. I also would stay in this one lounge area that had a piano and just play there. That wasn’t very interactive, but there were people walking around.

I’ve been ‘playing around’ since I was a small child. Pretty much as soon as I encountered a piano, I started composing songs on it. But, it was always a hobby. My parents sent me through piano lessons when I was a child. I actually requested it because my older sister’s piano teacher was very cool. But then after about a year, my parents decided to switch us to another teacher more to their liking, and amazingly I learned to dislike many aspects of the process. I didn’t do particularly well with that teacher because the emphasis was on following a curriculum and passing exams and performing. I had no motivation for that but would get through and pass based on pure basic aptitude. It was Trinity College London and by mid-high school Id made it to Grade 6, then stopped.

In the meantime, I continued to love music and to compose minimalist sketches. It was always both enjoyable and frustrating. I knew that I did not have the vocabulary and fluency to compose at the level that I sought. At the same time, it was pursuit of something beautiful and it was meaningful and enjoyable.

I discovered electronic music in the 80s. In New York, there was a radio program called New Sounds with John Schaefer. It was a lifeline.

I was reflecting the other day that the whole time I was growing up I was usually the only person I knew who was into whatever I was into. The important thing is it seemed that way.

I always wanted a synthesizer but in the 80s and 90s they were too expensive for me, so I’d just play pianos and guitars. After the IT revolution, synthesizers suddenly became completely accessible and affordable. $15 downloaded on your iPad. Got my first one in about 2013/2014 and have been making my sketches on iPad since then. I work in NanoStudio.

random jottings. got to go.


#282

Nice. Yeah I know UA has scripting in it to find supportive/likeminded people to aid me in my goals. So that’s definitely an important thing, finding other people.

Sounds like you’ve got some musical proficiency. I regret not learning an instrument when I was a kid. My parents didn’t really pick up on my musical interests so it wasn’t really fostered in me. Looking back there were definitely signs, does make wonder what my life would have been like if it went that route more. Piano skills are really useful when composing in DAWs. Just being able to play must make getting out ideas way easier.

I also want a synth. I’m saving up for a virus Ti. It’s really expensive, I can’t justify buying it now. But I still think hardware sounds better than software stuff, we haven’t quite reached the quality of hardware in computers yet imo. I know some people can’t tell the difference, but to me hardware has this almost physical quality to it with the sounds that I enjoy. But that’s a huge argument on the internet and people say it’s placebo lol. Who knows. But things are definitely more accessible now and I’m grateful for that.


#283

Proficiency? Meh. I wouldn’t go that far. I have a partial foundation built about 30 years ago. And then I’ve got decades of tooling around haphazardly. But I’m cool with that. I like some (even many) of the sketches that come out of me and I think that’s all I want. (Funny thing though, I also liked the sketches I made before I ever took any piano lessons in the first place.)

Arbitrary. That is a good word. If we go far enough in the Universe, I don’t think we reach an edge. And if we did reach an edge, I don’t think there would be a (very long) row of judges sitting there judging the final worth and meaning of everything.

There’s no final judge (in my opinion). Rather, the law of human beings is, essentially, ego. And that is way too corny of an oppressor to allow. At the same time, it beats oblivion. So, I let it do its thing. Like a vain bureaucrat, who nevertheless keeps the water running and the garbage being picked up. Appreciate what it does and no more. All of those judgments are projections of the ego: MY ego. not someone else’s.

Anyway, I never learned to sight-read fluently even after 7 years, and that’s pretty much the golden door to Western musical proficiency. My theory is that, in general, my visual processing, and any skills based on it, are the slowest and most awkward to develop. That’s also why I am so aphantasic, I think (i.e, cannot voluntarily visualize imagery). I am strong in auditory processing. Kinesthetic is okay. Visual is slow. Western culture in general is so visually-focused. It’s definitely the preferred and emphasized channel. I think this same mechanism set up some barriers for me in several aspects of life. But it also opened its own doors, and I’m grateful for that (For example, sometimes being crap in a particular social domain makes it easier to see through the BS in that domain. If you can avoid being too bitter, there’s some gold in there.)

Speaking of strong auditory processing, there’s a story about Tchaikovsky, whose auditory processing was REALLY strong. It’s said that as a small child he was taken by his parents to hear a symphony. When he got home afterwards, he became more and more upset. Started screaming and such. When his parents asked him what was wrong, he kept saying “I can’t turn off the music! I can’t turn it off!” Wow. Glad he learned to get that harnessed.


#284

Anybody else have really bad anxiety filled days on these subs? I woke up this morning and I feel like I can’t do anything. I tried working on some music but it started stressing me out a lot and I found myself really tense. I can’t relax because I feel like I should be doing something. Either continuing to work on my music or updating my resume and applying for jobs to get out of the one that’s currently burning me out. But I feel no energy and paralyzed. I hate days like this. I should be taking care of myself more, but it just feels like I’m wasting time.

I also feel like I need to scream or cry or a combination of all that stuff but I can’t get emotional release. Tempted to just binge tv shows or movies today but that’ll just make me feel worse. Going to try meditating to center myself. I don’t know where all this came from. I’m starting to think I just bottle all this up and try to make it through the week and when the weekend comes it hits me like a freight train. The weekend is like an escape for me, but at the same time it’s always sitting in the back of my mind that I’ll have to go back to work soon and deal with all the bullshit from this company.


#285

Feel you, man. I felt the same from time to time. It passes. It passes.


#286

I guess this is my body’s way of telling me to slow down and be more gentle with myself. I was powering though the work week by drinking coffee, which I don’t do because I know how badly it fucks me up. Sacrificing my own physical and emotional health for this stupid fucking job. To get things done that are piled up because I’m burnt out and I can’t give anymore energy to this nonsense. But what did I do? I blamed myself because that’s what I always do. I’m always more inclined to think I’m doing something wrong vs being in the wrong place.

I’m letting fear push me beyond my means. I’m letting too much of this job leak into my life. I won’t do this to myself anymore. I’m more important. Not this job.


#287

More nightmares the other night. Screaming so much in my dream I wouldn’t be surprised if I was doing it in real life. Again just the fear. Think it was aliens this time. I think what made it worse was the fact that the dream mirrored my own room. Something unsettling about being in a dream and thinking you’re awake.

Chilled out on the music thing. I realized I was burning myself out constantly pushing towards finishing and whatnot. Worked on some stuff with the attitude of “let’s see where this goes”.

After my anxiety attack and migraine the other day I reassessed where my respect for myself was. As I was laying there in pain from the migraine and emotional turmoil from the anxiety all I could think was “man I have to get better so I can be at work tomorrow”. But then I stopped and told myself I should want to feel better for the sake of feeling better, to give care for myself, not so I can be good enough to work. I put so much stuff before me.

That had me thinking about my goals with the music thing. It’s not that I want to just be successful with music. I want to make what I want to make and express myself and be successful. That’s really different. And my definition of success is really just being able to make enough money to the point where I can afford to spend most of my time making music vs cutting it short by being caught up in a 9-5 job. Sure having a ton of money would be nice, but it’s never been a goal of mine or a strong desire. If anything the money really just represents freedom to me and if I could have that without needing to be rich I’d take it in a heartbeat.


#288

From the outside looking in, it seems like real movement is happening.

What strikes me from this latest reflection is that you’re currently running (I think) Ultimate Artist. Is that still the case? Well, the thoughts that you had about your goals with music, and the way you adjusted the kind of ‘driving’, ‘pushing’ approach, sounds like your mind is working out how to position yourself optimally vis-a-vis your art. Like you’re naturally setting yourself in such a way that you’ll be creative, consistent, and healthy about your art. The dreams, in turn, really seem like things are getting processed and sorted out. I can imagine both Regeneration and Ultimate Artist having something to do with that.

It’s intriguing and encourages me to one day run both of these programs. Appreciating your ongoing sharing of your journey.


#289

Yup. Still running UA. Actually matched the loops with AM so they are equal. I found UA wasn’t really a secondary goal for me as much as a primary goal, but absolutely still needed AM to toughen me up so I could navigate the world and achieve those goals.

It’s funny because with my music I was always trying to force it a certain direction. As if what I naturally did was wrong and I needed to break out of it. I feel like there’s a deep well of ideas inside of me and my job now is to just get out of my own way and allow those ideas to manifest. So it’s definitely a strong shift in my relationship with my music. Regeneration has helped a lot, for sure. There was very strong fear surrounding me when it came to creating songs. I think being my most inner self is one of my strongest fears, but as I clear those away the music gets easier to just create. Good or bad.

I’m happy to share my journey. I always share in hopes my own journey can inspire others because I know sometimes things can seem impossible.


#290

That sounds really damn awesome, man. Increasing self-acceptance, increasing self-compassion, increasing self-love. I don’t mean to over-simplify it, and I may be over-emphasizing the positive. It’s definitely a challenging process. Still, it’s really good stuff.

It reminded me of this paragraph from the Sub Club questions page. They write:

That being said, if I HAD to estimate how long does it take for subliminal messages to work…

… you should expect to see minor changes around day 30, strong changes around day 90, and MAJOR changes at six months.

It’s sounding like you’re right on schedule. That’s wild. Makes me wonder what you’ll be saying around March.

Yes, that’s true. They really do seem fucking impossible sometimes. Sometimes I take solace in the simple fact that I can’t even see the back of my own head, not to mention where things are all heading. Sometimes that helps, and sometimes…


#291

It’s definitely a huge step for me. I knew all about those concepts years ago. But it’s only now that they make sense and I don’t reject them. Don’t have to force feed them basically lol. For years it felt like I was trying to be kind to myself and trying to be positive but it never stuck. The only thing worse than feeling bad is when you’re surrounded by advice that supposedly works for plenty of other people and you can’t get it to work for you.

Thanks for pointing that out to me too. Didn’t realize I hit the 90 day mark already. Never would have caught that, really interesting.

Yeah things being impossible. It’s always harder when you’re starting lower on the pole so to speak. But what I’m doing now was definitely impossible for me about 6 years ago. So impossible is always relative, I try to keep that in mind before that hopelessness can swallow me up.


#292

So interesting insight I had. As it turns out I didn’t actually know what confidence was. I knew how to fake confidence or appear that way, but I never understood it on a core level. That’s definitely changing. These past few days I’ve been feeling more and more courage to be myself. It’s like all those personas and acts I felt compelled to use are being stripped away and I’m allowing more of myself to come through. I’m sort of hit by this realization where I think to myself “wait is this how most people feel?” For most of my life I had this idea where I had to build this super confidence, this impenetrable steel wall of confidence. Little did I know that was the exact opposite of what I should be doing. It was actually an attempt to protect the part of myself I feared letting out into the world. But once I let it out, started facing those fears, I realized all my energy I was putting into trying to make myself bulletproof was wasted energy. When the fear subsides it becomes more apparent how true confidence is all about non-reactivity.

I still have a lot of work to do. But I feel like I’ve made an important step towards actual exposure vs facing things with the equivalent of a protective persona. I had to get past that shield before the real growth could effect me. Maybe not even one shield. It almost feels as if there were various gatekeepers who’s job it was to prevent any harm to this self. The problem was even the most positive of changes were taken as a threat. But this is it, I really don’t think it goes deeper than this. I think this is the core self that needs to be strengthened and it’s finally responding. Once I change this for the better that’s it, there’s nothing left that will hold me back.


#293

Had this one moment stick out in a dream from last night. It was me sitting in front of candle surrounded by a bunch of people. First I put out the candle with my fingers. Then I positioned them over the wick with the intention of reigniting it. I had this feeling in the dream where I dropped out of the whole belief of “what is possible” and I reignited the flame. The people around me were criticizing me and telling me I was wasting my time and it couldn’t be done. After I did it, people still didn’t believe me and expected me to do it again. This time the negativity was greater and I had trouble doing it again.

Definitely a powerful metaphor for what I’m going through right now.


#294

Tackling this fear bit by bit. I’ve noticed ego gets in the way sometimes and goes “all of it! Now! Stop being a coward!” One side pushing onward while the other one is overwhelmed. It doesn’t work out too well. So I’m practicing breathing, calming myself, and reinforcing the idea that change doesn’t have to involve a ton of emotional torture if done right.

The whole no pain no gain mentality has to go. I just end up focused on the emotional charge of things without really letting it go.

It’s time to do some deeper questioning so I can resolve these issues in a smart way instead of trying to fight my way through it using willpower. Old habits die hard, but my coping for all these past issues got me to where I am today. But there’s a better way and I just have to instill that as a habit now vs the fight for survival mentality.


#295

Gonna try out listening at night again for a week or two. I just have this feeling that I need to up my exposure time to start accelerating my growth.


#296

You mean listening night and day or only night?


#297

Yup, day and night listening


#298

Well but then there is no time for the subconscious to actually process what you want it to do


#299

I’m not certain about that. That’s why I’m trying it for a week. If I’m not getting enough exposure during the day, there might not be a lot being processed at night. Could be reconciliation, could be intuition. Kind of hard to tell


#300

Things I’m starting to realize. 1. I don’t respond well to ultrasonic. Kind of kicking myself for forcing myself with that for a while now. They cause a lot of agitation and irritability in me which I mistook for growth, but it might have just been a really bad mismatch. A good chunk of my time is spent listening to masked at work. When I got home I’d play ultrasonic through my speakers or phone. So if the ultrasonic had me rejecting the sub more it’s possible I wasn’t getting as much exposure as I thought.

  1. I’m at my most relaxed and receptive at night. I also feel “safe”. I’m still going to experiment with listening at night as well this week. I’ll see how my energy levels go. Considering most of my stress is caused by a job I don’t want to be in and goals I’m not achieving with music, it would make sense that the closer I get to those the more energized I’d become. So it would be to my benefit to get me there as fast as possible. But we’ll see, this stuff gets complicated sometimes.

  2. I have to let go of the old me. My entire reality is still framed around the old me. How would I say this? How would I do that? It’s not doing me any favors because I trap myself in the same old behaviors. What’s familiar is not good and what’s new is not bad. At times I don’t have a solid self concept of who I am and it’s not just because of the subs. Having been through a ton of mental stuff that interweaves with my personality, it became damn near impossible to see where I started and my disordered thinking began. I had strong delusions everyone hated me for the longest time, that I was incapable as a human being, that I was a complete failure and that everyone was stronger than me. 90% of my life was viewed through that filter, it’s only now that I’m experiencing it independent of that and it’s all very new to me. So there’s a sense of confusion there because it feels like I don’t even know who I am anymore. But I see that as a good thing because I can start defining how I want my life to be lived.

  3. I’ve noticed the mental rumination on all things emotionally painful has decreased a lot and I no longer write pages upon pages just basically strengthening those emotional things. I had a very bad habit of that. I’d feel a certain way, write about it, dwell on it, just get this sort of tunnel vision. And it’s not about being a victim or how people accuse people in pain of “wallowing”. It’s more about being stuck. People need to be validated, I’d argue it’s actually shame and guilt that holds these things in place more than people wanting to keep re-experiencing them over and over. But validation can be given to yourself, you basically have to give yourself permission to experience everything, but also remind yourself these things are to be let go of so better more positive things can enter your life. It’s not always easy, especially if you have a lifetime of feeling the need to hide everything, even from yourself. But it’s really the only constant I’ve experienced as far as self growth is concerned.