Thanks @Malkuth. It’s been a long road, but usually these depressive episodes I have signal a change coming. So I believe your intuition is correct. Like a death and rebirth cycle. I’ll definitely keep all that in mind when I’m looking for a therapist.
@ExploringAstronaut. It can’t hurt to do so and I’ll try it out. But this isn’t the first time I’ve hit these realizations. I will keep this mentality in mind, but I think it’s only a piece of the puzzle for me. I’m sure it would help, but I’ve had a bad habit in the past of thinking one thing could fix everything and if it wasn’t working I wasn’t trying hard enough vs dealing with a way more complex issue.
@Hannibal Ego state therapy looks promising. Unfortunately I don’t know if I’ll be able to get a therapist who specializes in it. I’ll keep it in mind though.
I guess I’ll have to try to rule out the physical again. I did that a few years back and never found anything conclusive. Hormones, vitamins minerals, all kinds of tests, thyroid, nothing, they couldn’t find any cause. The only thing I did that helped a bit was eliminating gluten from my diet. I’ll never take meds though. I did once out of desperation and they didn’t help in the slightest. Plus after doing research on all of it, it’s incredibly shady. I don’t trust the drug companies or the science behind them.
That was my reason for using subs. I wanted to get to the core psychological reason for this because I could never find a physical one.