Today on my way to work I was feeling stressed. Didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to deal with this company anymore. I found myself in the familiar trap of beating myself up about my skills, how I was just lucky I got this job and nobody else would want me. Then I said no. I told myself I deserve better than this job. I deserve a job that respects me, a job that gives back to me in some way, a job where I’m not treated like a disposable thing. But then I went further. I said I deserve a better life. Screw this boring ass 9-5 thing and then squeezing in my real life outside of it. I deserve a life where I can follow my passion for music and I can live from my soul. Not scrape by, not live in scarcity, but to thrive.
I’m making progress. A few months ago I couldn’t accept nice things for myself or felt shame about wanting them. But I’m ready for it now. I’ve spent too much of my life struggling and I deserve better.
I was wrong, it’s not fear. It is and always has been self worth. It’s not that I haven’t been trying hard enough. It’s that I haven’t been open and accepting. Before your life changes you have to be open to it. The entirety of your being has to say yes I accept this. If you’ve lived in scarcity, struggling, always feeling like you had to drag yourself through glass to get through life, you need to ask yourself if you’re open to the experience of having a better life. Leaving behind the negativity, loving yourself, and feeling deserving. That’s it.
And you don’t need a reason to do it. That’s the most important thing. We are groomed to think the outside determines our worth. Our worth is our decision. It’s hard at first and your mind may reject it with a “but I still haven’t achieved xyz or I’m not xyz”. Just say no, it’s an illusion. And other people might try to imply you’re not good enough, but that’s them. You don’t have to buy into it.
Just talking out loud here, but thought I’d share because this has been my plight for the longest time and today in no time at all I realized it doesn’t have to be that way and all I have to do is decide to treat myself better.