Ascended Mogul + Ultimate Artist


#341

Whoa. It’s legitimately odd to me that people would react that way. I wonder if they’d tell Mad Max, “Strapped to the front of that truck? Wow, at least you really get to see the world! That’s so lucky!”

Sheesh. Anyway.

I do find that angst and frustration sometimes fire up my creative output. But that kind of thing is subjective. What emotional states and conditions seem to ignite your creative process? It sounds almost like you’re suggesting that you create well from a sense of spaciousness, peace, and contentment. If so, that’s kind of cool.

Yes, I’m similar. You’re talking to a man who just spent the last 4 weeks working for deadlines that forced me to sideline most of my personal projects. So, yes.

(Hm. One thing these situations can be useful for is observing what you don’t want.)

Self-determination. Prosperous, sustainable self-determination. I’ll wish it for both of us!


#342

I sort of get it. It’s trying to see the best in a situation. When I tell people it kind of fucking sucks, I don’t think they understand how much of a massive drain it is. It’s not like I end the work day ready to explore Dallas.

That’s definitely the case for me. But I also think it’d be good for me to let more of my emotions out into my music. It’s probably an insecurity/self worth thing. Sort of a “yeah but who cares? Sad stuff has been done to death, you’re not communicating anything special why even put this in there?” But at the same time sometimes I like writing stuff that isn’t human, if that makes any sense. Like just the music itself communicating ideas or creating emotions and states in people. I don’t know, I think the whole tortured artist thing is a cliche and I’ve spent most of my life trying to avoid that. Something about over self indulgence in music sometimes feels like the music itself was lost, like the ego of the writer took hold of it and did the whole me me me thing. Ever notice how when an artist kicks a drug habit their music changes? Then fans want the old music back? That’s like the artist realizing there is more to explore than just the narrow stuff they were into. Maybe this will change too lol. But I’ve got a weird relationship with music, that’s for sure.

Oof, that sounds rough. I’d agree, nothing like being presented with exactly what you don’t want to give you a really strong perspective on things.

All the best to you as well on this journey!


#343

You know, I changed my mind lol. It’s definitely all an insecurity thing and my ongoing issues with my own emotions. I was listening to a song called The Words I Never Said, kind of self explanatory given the title. Themes of regret and sadness. But I was listening to this and connecting with it emotionally, but then I thought about me writing it? Whoa, complete 180. Judgement, winy, insecure, approval seeking, etc. Crazy how I give everyone else a pass but I’m the exception to the rule? Just kind of highlights how I don’t place a high importance on my own emotional needs and they kind of just get swept under the rug.


#344

Also I ran the commander last night. Really powerful, I can see this eventually sinking in for me. But that first session was really awkward. I didn’t immediately grasp onto the the whole leader thing and it definitely challenged that idea in my head. I see that as a good thing. The sensation of being deeply uncomfortable with it, but being able to just imagine in that moment is powerful. I had a few minutes where I got lost in it and felt it, but then I sort of snapped out of it when all the memories and current situations in my life where I was the exact opposite flooded my head. Overall I liked how the whole thing was framed and the symbolism for it all.

Also my mind zeroed in on the music and sound effects lol. I found myself admiring them and dissecting the different instruments and whatnot. That’s my music production mindset I have trouble turning off sometimes. I had that with the elixir too, after enough repetition it went away.

Purchased beyond limitless today. I’m looking forward to listening to that as well. I’m mostly going to do it for creativity, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t have an interest in the learning aspect. In fact I’ve always had a lot of negative beliefs surrounding my own ability to memorize and learn. So for me I actually have learning anxiety at times, new subject matter causes anxiety and the anxiety makes it harder to learn and it’s an awful feedback loop until I just give up or end up procrastinating on what I need to learn.


#345

Damn sleep has been trash lately. I know I should go to sleep but my mind stays awake because if I go to sleep that means the next day will be here. I have anxiety going to sleep at night, every night.

It’s been rough lately. I can’t remember the last time I woke up in the morning feeling good. I haven’t felt that in the past 5 years. Every day I wake up feels like I lost whatever progress I was making on my mental state before that. It’s really frustrating. And it takes me almost half the day to sort of get back in the groove of things.


#346

Identified my biggest issue holding me back. As these subs help me cultivate certain mindsets and beliefs I find a lot of them are not reinforced in my outer reality. Either not apparent in my physical surroundings or a bend and revert to old behavior.

The important thing for me to start doing is catch myself in these moments and use it as an anchor to reinforce the mindset I’m going for. Not to reinforce the old undesirable ways. It is not easy because I basically have to ignore all outside reality and hold faith that I will achieve what I desire. If life has shown you the opposite of that consistently it’s very very hard to have that faith. But I’m understanding more how I have to actively work to make sure my mind is pointed in the right direction and not getting veered off course with small setbacks.

If I’m honest it feels very desperate to walk around like I embody the traits of a powerful in control person. But I have to get used to it because so long as I rely on outside events to dictate how I feel about myself, I’ll never have control of my own reality. If I keep waiting for my outside reality to change before I change, I’ll never actually change. And after my whole business trip that was a massive blow to the progress I felt I built up, I recognize that I spiraled out and went into my old self-destructive ways of self hatred and resentment. And the whole “I haven’t even changed” mindset took over instead of realizing it for what it was, a small bump in the road towards my goals.

I don’t think I’ve actually been paying enough attention to my internal state despite listening to the subs. It’s like I’ve been on autopilot banging away with them and just distracting myself with tv and making music. But not really taking a second to pause from my frenzied state and integrate what the subs are trying to cultivate.


#347

Listening to elixir more to target stuck emotions. For the longest time I thought I had control over my emotions. Turns out I just buried them really deep. So me thinking I’m going back to old ways or reinforcing bad habits is really just the stuff I never addressed properly. The stronger or more apparent those negative thoughts and emotions are, the more of a good thing it is because it’s closer to the surface vs buried in my psyche.

I may not like the fact that a part of me strongly dislikes myself, but it’s there and I have to acknowledge it and work with it vs trying to hide it. I’m coming to realize a lot of my issues were never healed, just compartmentalized. I felt that if I tried hard enough to escape and deny those things they would go away eventually. For a lot of my life I tried to get away from myself through detachment or enormous effort to be someone else. But the damaged parts were still inside me.

So to sum up, I have to remind myself of what I want and fill my head with positive things but at the same time allow myself to feel all aspects of my being that hold me back vs trying to suppress them.


#348

That’s great.


#349

Wow reconciliation hard with ultimate artist, at least I’m guessing. I haven’t been able to write much lately ever since getting back from Dallas. I thought I’d be all fired up and refreshed and it’s the exact opposite for me. Maybe it’s because I’ve been trying to finish this one song and I’ve reached the point where I’ve lost objectivity completely. But I keep telling myself finish the damn thing, finish it before you move on to something else. And who knows, maybe I’m staying on this song because I’ve been so anxious about writing full songs lately. Been listening to some brilliant artists and it’s just like fuck… There’s a certain level of songwriting where all the instruments speak to eachother, that’s not that hard to do when you’ve got 3 or 4 elements. But when you start messing around with the stereo field, stuff merging in and out, front to back perspective, etc. it’s a lot. And where I’m at right now I’m trying to make it work with 3 or 4 things to sort of lock down my skills with that then I’m going to build on it. For example, this is just insane in terms of music production.


#350

Nicely cinematic. And really well-mixed. I never have paid much attention to mixing. That’s like the next frontier for me.


#351

He has amazing mixes. He even did an album in surround sound which is ridiculous. But yeah it’s always better to get the ideas and essence of the track out first before mixing. Once you go down that technical rabbit hole it can really interfere with the flow of everything. Lately I’ve seen mixing and composition as one and the same though. There’s only so much you can do if your sound selection is off, timing is wrong, etc. But without a doubt Tipper’s stuff is phenomenal. His really stands out because the mixing complements the impact of the music, it works with it vs just trying to sound polished.


#352

Alright so I’ve been doing the online dating thing and not having much luck, but I’m not super invested in it. It’s kinda just there and if I meet someone cool if not whatever. But I swear the only girls that ever message me are overweight. I’m not an asshole, but I’m just not attracted to overweight women at all. I’m not talking full figure or a little thick, I mean the type where it just looks unhealthy. Frankly I’m a little pissed that guys tend to get shamed for this. Granted I’m not in the most fantastic athletic shape, but I’m a healthy weight maybe actually underweight if I’m honest. I like dating women that take care of their bodies and I try to stay far away from anyone that practices “fat acceptance”. So is this just me and what I’m attracting into my life? Or does this happen to anyone else too? lol.


#353

Def some movement going. Just smashed through that writers block I was having. Realized I was mulling things over in my head too much vs just doing it. I’ve studied a lot but I haven’t practiced. So in reality there a few things I’m good at, a few things I’m not. I have to make sure I focus on taking action more with the music vs worrying about not knowing it all. That’s where the growth lies, not more books. It’s like taking off the training wheels and telling myself ok now you have to figure this out on your own without guidance.

And then it dawned on me why I’ve been so stuck lately. No good decisions in life ever come from fear. I’ve been stuck in fear. Making the same fear based decisions, worrying about the same stuff. Money, jobs, time running out, etc. I’ve been in a loop of manifesting everything in my life I don’t want for most of my life. All because fear seems more real to me than great possibilities. And that’s because again, I haven’t practiced assuming the best for myself.

I’ve been frustrated I haven’t been able to get the full effects of the subs, but I see now how I was relying on them too much to automatically change my thinking. The reality is the subs were triggering more anxiety, which lead to more fear based thinking. At a certain point I should have stepped in and broken that up. My subconscious really only knows fear at this point in my life and it’s my responsibility to change that.


#354

I think this insight may be relevant to me as well.


#355

Today on my way to work I was feeling stressed. Didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to deal with this company anymore. I found myself in the familiar trap of beating myself up about my skills, how I was just lucky I got this job and nobody else would want me. Then I said no. I told myself I deserve better than this job. I deserve a job that respects me, a job that gives back to me in some way, a job where I’m not treated like a disposable thing. But then I went further. I said I deserve a better life. Screw this boring ass 9-5 thing and then squeezing in my real life outside of it. I deserve a life where I can follow my passion for music and I can live from my soul. Not scrape by, not live in scarcity, but to thrive.

I’m making progress. A few months ago I couldn’t accept nice things for myself or felt shame about wanting them. But I’m ready for it now. I’ve spent too much of my life struggling and I deserve better.

I was wrong, it’s not fear. It is and always has been self worth. It’s not that I haven’t been trying hard enough. It’s that I haven’t been open and accepting. Before your life changes you have to be open to it. The entirety of your being has to say yes I accept this. If you’ve lived in scarcity, struggling, always feeling like you had to drag yourself through glass to get through life, you need to ask yourself if you’re open to the experience of having a better life. Leaving behind the negativity, loving yourself, and feeling deserving. That’s it.

And you don’t need a reason to do it. That’s the most important thing. We are groomed to think the outside determines our worth. Our worth is our decision. It’s hard at first and your mind may reject it with a “but I still haven’t achieved xyz or I’m not xyz”. Just say no, it’s an illusion. And other people might try to imply you’re not good enough, but that’s them. You don’t have to buy into it.

Just talking out loud here, but thought I’d share because this has been my plight for the longest time and today in no time at all I realized it doesn’t have to be that way and all I have to do is decide to treat myself better.


#356

Fear…of success?


#357

Fear in general. I guess that covers success too. But there’s definitely been something else going on underneath that held me back. I realized even if I didn’t fear these new things, what would my relationship with them be like? That’s when I realized an inner discomfort and rejection towards them. And I knew I had to change that relationship.


#358

Woke up out of bed this morning and I was trying to hang onto the feelings I had the other day. But I was feeling bad. And I was trying to force myself to feel good again. Another important lesson. The down days will come and they aren’t failures, they aren’t major setbacks, it’s all part of being human. And that also means I don’t have to put my life on pause until I “fix” it. Somedays I’ll feel worse than others, but I can still do what I want to do to improve my life. The worst thing I ever did was criticize myself for feeling certain ways vs accepting and allowing. Pushing it all away works momentarily, but it catches up.

I think it’s hard sometimes simultaneously facing your demons and not getting reabsorbed into them. But it definitely seems to be the way to grow. Awareness without attachment.


Ecstasy of Gold Journal: Kether to Malkuth
#359

You know if you really listen to people in day to day life you can hear the limiting beliefs almost. It’s wild. I used to think that I was way behind other people, but I think the reality is I have a different focus. I’ve always wanted more, even before subs or any self help when I was a kid. I’d watch adults go about their business, stressed out and struggling, and be utterly confused. It always felt wrong, like I had an internal knowing that life isn’t supposed to be that way. Gradually as I grew up I took on more of that “adult” mindset, but I still had that feeling inside and it never went away.

I reflected on a lot on my drive home yesterday. I’ve been upset for the past few years ending up in situations that don’t make me happy. I didn’t willingly seek these out, I didn’t say “hey you know what? I’d like to work for a company that takes advantage of me and treats me like shit”. No, but I did say it with my energy. I didn’t stumble into these jobs. I created them for myself. That’s a tough thing to swallow sometimes. Taking responsibility for what I bring into my life. But it’s the truth and it just goes to show there’s a lot going on behind the scenes that dictates where things go in your life.

Having said that my goal is to now break free of all those limiting beliefs most people have and their influence on me. When people advise safe things, when they tell you something isn’t possible, when they tell you to be more realistic, etc. I’ve deferred to a lot of people in my life for figuring things out, but I’ve realized they don’t understand how the world works any better than I do so I’m better off forging my own path and exploring. The “I” inside me that doesn’t believe this stuff is pretty much just a mirror of the beliefs I’ve internalized from other people.


#360

Does that revelation fill you with confidence, or does it create anxiety?