Ascended Mogul + Ultimate Artist


#21

@AMASH The whole thing is kinda abstract unfortunately, but I’ll do my best. Imagine a more engrained mindset or behavior, that’s the sort of default state. The longer I run the subs, this shifts and slowly new ideas and urges come about. But sometimes these new urges or changes in identity are met with a stuck feeling. Usually a feeling of frustration at something I want to do but simultaneously feeling like I can’t. In this case I’m wondering if it’s better to tackle those feelings head on or disregard it and just go about my life.

Might be a case of going too inward and getting lost in my own mental landscape. I’m very in tune with my internal state, it’s both good and bad. Good because I have a lot of awareness. Bad because that awareness can work against me and kind of amplify discord in my mind.

Not sure if that makes it any more clear. If not all good lol. My entire internal state is very abstract, I think it’s due to my mbti type and how I process things differently than most.


#22

Thank you @elementary_vision, that was interesting :slight_smile:


#23

Alright so I’m getting really upset with myself and just how poorly I optimize my workflow for creating music. I’m pretty creative and lack structure, that’s been my personality most my life. For some reason I have an innate disdain for schedules and structure. I’m starting to think it’s because I never learned these skills and every time I implement them I get anxious because I suck at it. For a while I thought since I was creative I could just throw shit at a wall and see what sticks. I told myself nah you don’t need structure, figure things out your own way, keep making music without a focus and let it flow. It’s a bad idea, it gets chaotic, too many options, too many distractions, too much overwhelm.

So I’ve got a book I bought a while back on this very topic that I’m gonna commit to and do a major overhaul of my creative process. My goal is to just finish more music, good or bad. I am sick of spending way too long on my tracks and delaying the completion of them. I’ve got good ideas, I know I do, but building them out into full tracks has always been my weakness. There’s a difference between taking time to craft something with intentional focus vs fucking about and just procrastinating. I feel like that’s been 90% of my stuff. And I guess the reason for that is the idea of making a whole song fills me with performance anxiety and I avoid it. Then I get mad at myself for not finishing stuff, but it’s just dumb because I do it to myself. Did I mention I have huge issues with perfectionism? Not in the good way. A few years back when I was just getting into music I couldn’t even look at my midi keyboard without getting anxiety. Yes you can push past anxiety, but it seriously screws with your creative flow. I’d rather it just not be there to begin with. Anxiety is stress and stress inhibits creative ideas.

Creative pursuits are weird, it’s not like the gym where you push out one more rep or stack on more weight. It’s like the harder you try sometimes with creative stuff, the more the ideas retreat and you get nothing. All I know is I’d love to know in the core of my being that when I sit down to make music I’m guaranteed to finish. To know that yeah I can actually make stuff, not fragmented pieces of ideas.


#24

Great realizations man, I look forward to you working on the weaknesses and fixing them, and being grateful and celebrating what is working :slight_smile:


#25

Took a day off from subs yesterday. It felt like I was reaching a threshold or limit or maybe it was just me running away. But when I came back to listening today I realized a strong component of why I’ve been so depressed for most of my life is the fact that I don’t own all aspects of myself. The emotional hurt inside me is never recognized, instead I try to fight it off with this stupid macho bullshit attitude. There’s a sort of distancing, instead of acknowledging the pain and showing myself compassion there’s this disdain and neglect.

For years now I’ve really hated myself for dealing with depression and anxiety and all the struggles that came with it. I tried to destroy those with anger, I treated them as the enemy. And in doing so I just fought an internal battle with myself. A battle that isn’t necessary because everything I experience in my own mind is me. When I get angry at anxiety or depression that’s me getting angry at myself.

So the question becomes. Who am I running AM for? I’ll admit when I first started this journey it was a way to distance myself further from myself, to become someone else. When really the goal should be to strengthen myself to the point where I can live in this world without having to deal with the crap people might throw my way. I think a lot of my emotional turmoil these past few days was constantly fighting that reintegration with the parts of myself I’ve disowned.


#26

Lol wow, it’s all I gotta say. I respect subclub and what they are doing, but EVERYONE claims they are the best subliminals so call me skeptical. I really don’t know who to believe at this point, so for me it’s trial and error. This isn’t a personal attack or anything, I just wanted to highlight how truly hard it is to find something that works sometimes. The indecision, the doubts, and of course how competition ramps up. I also want to talk about something stupid I almost did and how that relates to the previous statement about competition.

So it’s been about 14 days on AM and UA. I sort of “unlocked” a deeper level of absorption of the subs the other day. There isn’t that “fighting” feeling anymore, I set and forget in the truest sense that I understood my subconscious holds the power to make these changes and I just need to let go and allow it to happen. To stop trying so hard and figuring it out on a conscious level. That’s what held me back the most. If you’ve ever read Neville Goddard it’s like what he says about living in the end. You set an intention and understand you WILL get there, it’s just a matter of time and allowing it to happen. I applied that mindset to the subs and it really amplified how much they shifted my internal state.

Now for the dumb part. I thought that this was a completely independent event or understanding and that I could now apply this to anything. And me having my little fears of missing out or needing to get the best of the best assumed that maybe I should go back to the competitor. I pondered it for a day, seriously considered just dropping these subs and moving back to what I perceived as “more power”. But then I stopped and realized my receptiveness to these subs recently is 90% likely because of how they are scripted and my subconscious gradually understanding it’s safe and ok. It’s like I let my guard down almost and part of me isn’t as vigilant about fighting. You have to understand that I have a very resistant personality in general. But that stems more from lack of trust in people vs being stubborn. So when something works it’s kind of like “wtf, maybe something is wrong or it’s not as powerful”.

And I went through all those different reconciliation moments. I started cherry picking experiences overall on this forum that would support my idea that these subs “aren’t effective or not as good as others”. That the creators were lying about something, just trying to scam people, etc. I mean this 100% wholeheartedly I mean no disrespect, but the level of paranoia and mood shift I experienced was really weird. I say this just in case anybody else happens to run across similar stuff. You read about it, but until it happens to you it’s a hell of a head trip. Honestly my brain is still trying to wrap itself around how these subliminals are so good at altering your behavior with none of the resistance. Almost too good to be true for me so it feels like something must be off or I’m not hitting my subconscious hard enough.

Anyway that’s my rant. I’m very disoriented at the moment. Turning your reality upside down sure has a way of causing you to question everything.


#27

Heavy, heavy reconciling going on. I’m no stranger to depression. In fact I’ve lived most of my life with it. Today I was driving into work and I realized why I’m depressed. It’s not entirely me, though I do have low self esteem, but it’s really just life in general. The routine that we’re all shoved into. My 45 minute commute into work, sitting in traffic, and for what? A job I don’t even like? 2 years now I’ve been at this job and it dawned on me I deserve better than this shit. Not because I’m super skilled or a valuable asset, but because I’m tired of living a life where it feels like I’m slowly dying.

For the most part I’ve shoved it all out of awareness so I can remain functional, but I can’t take it anymore. Day in day out it’s the same shit. The same routine, it’s killing me. And people suck because they all support this as the status quo. I’m sorry this fucking blows, I’m not dysfunctional because I can’t adjust to this tiring repetitive revolving door lifestyle. And if you’re telling me that’s all that life is I might as well put a gun in my mouth right now.

Having said that one thing I really struggle with is privilege/gratitude vs discontent. I’m not homeless, I’m not in extreme poverty, for that I am grateful. But at what point do those things stop being enough? People always say to be thankful for the job you have, but if your life feels miserable how can you be? Food and a roof over your head sure aren’t all that appealing when your entire life just feels like one drawn out obligation that it doesn’t even feel like you’re a part of. Just a slow march into a grave.

Opinions or thoughts welcome. This has haunted me for most of my life. How you can be surrounded by things others would kill for and still feel terrible, so it makes me feel like an ungrateful piece of shit.


#28

I’m reminded of the following retort about throwing away food and the poor Africans that could have had it instead:

“Well, me being fat isn’t going to help them…”

Sounds like the type of reconciliation that could steer you towards a more fulfilling career path. Keep it up.


#29

Lmao, thanks man that cheered me up.


#30

More UA stuff. I really like this sub. You have no idea how much I wanted a sub targeting these goals. I’ve been surrounded by people most of my life that have no idea what it means to be an artist. I don’t say that to be pretentious, I say that because it is a part of me. Creating music is an extension of me, it feels like something I’m meant to do. When you’re around people that don’t get that it can make you feel out of place. This sub is bringing me into further alignment with that part of myself. It’s always been there, it just got buried growing up. If I had the right guidance when I was younger I’m sure my life would have turned out much different.

But anyway. I feel like I smashed through a wall yesterday with a track I was stuck on. In addition to that I’m gradually refining my whole creative process. Trying to tackle everything at once is what caused me so much anxiety. Trying to get it all right off the bat caused me to be timid and to not explore as much. Consequently I wasn’t actually writing stuff fully, I was in this weird state of limbo of trying to write stuff. Trying to write good stuff I might add and letting myself care too much what others think. Along with that I’m collecting more production knowledge, but I’m making sure I can apply it and I’m testing it. Finding my own process, trusting my own decisions, this is what tutorials and guides can’t teach you.

I feel like I’m getting back to the early days when I had that raw creativity, but had no idea what the hell I was doing. I’ve been searching for that for so long. Being able to channel that creative spark, but refine it using all the knowledge I have now.


#31

How easy does the creativity just flow nowadays? :yum:


#32

It’s definitely getting there. Being able to just get ideas out without having that familiar anxiety of “is this good enough?” If I can finish a track within this month I’ll be happy and know UA is giving me a serious boost. I haven’t finished anything in about 2 months now.


#33

Real stuff coming up. This is getting a little hard, not gonna lie as I reflect on my life. When I was around 18, I started convincing myself I didn’t need anyone in my life. Now independence is good, but this wasn’t independence. This was a deep fear of rejection/inability to be open with anyone. These past few days I’ve been feeling those familiar feelings pop up as I’ve attempted to isolate myself.

There’s a lot of confusion right now in my head. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted going into AM, but it’s shifting as my awareness of myself grows and what holds me back from being happy.

I’ve always felt like an outsider. I don’t know how much of that is me as a person vs building up a wall and not letting anyone in. Consequently nobody gets me and it furthers the idea that I’m an outcast. I want to get to a point where I’m not trying anymore, I’m just me. I haven’t been able to be there for a long time now.


#34

You’ll find your True North soon.


#35

Had a really rough weekend. I think it started with 4 straight days of coffee. I’m not much of a coffee drinker and I’m either sensitive to caffeine or allergic to coffee. It’s not so much that I crash, but everything tanks. My mood, have huge trouble regulating emotions, cold, I just feel horrible mentally and physically. So I was recovering from that I guess and a massive migraine. In the middle of all of it, it felt like I had a mental breakdown too. Basically I was sick of being some kind of underdog, “strong”, or fighting for a better life. In society there’s so much emphasis on overcoming your challenges, fighting tooth and nail, pushing and pushing. I basically had it, I didn’t want to do “this” anymore. I guess it was the depression and anxiety rearing it’s ugly head again, but it gets to the point where I don’t have the energy to “battle”.

The irony of running an alpha male sub and becoming less stoic. But I truly believe you have to acknowledge the parts of yourself that are in pain and struggling before you can move ahead. You can’t just bulldoze past it. I always felt acknowledging these feelings and emotions made me weak. Like I should just be able to carry on and pretend they aren’t there. Basically kicking myself in the ass for being a normal fucking human being when I couldn’t fulfill this role of some super unaffected invincible guy.

Let’s be honest. How often do guys struggle with deep emotional issues and instead of taking the time to acknowledge them and unearth that vulnerable side, they just drown it in drugs or alcohol? Or they’re just angry all the time. Or they cut off emotional contact with people? Or they try to quell that storm inside them by seeking fame or money? I used to consider myself above the machismo bullshit. Even though I didn’t express it outwardly in insecure behavior, I still have the toxic mindset in me. Why didn’t I address it more? I think at the heart of it is fear, fear of other people seeing insecurities, vulnerabilities, weaknesses. I’m sure in my life at one point I expressed these feelings and was shamed somehow for them or manipulated or rejected. I think strength for me is being able to acknowledge and accept these things about myself while simultaneously working to improve myself. But not as a way to hide these things.


#36

If you could go back in time, what things would you do differently to address all this, @elementary_vision?


#37

I’d put my mental health above everything. I’d get help for my depression and anxiety. I’d be open and honest with everyone about the challenges I face. When people in my life asked me “what’s going on or what’s wrong” I’d be honest instead of saying “nothing”. I’d stop living in fear of someone finding out “the true me” and rejecting me. I’d stop trying to prove to the world how “strong” I am. I’d stop feeling shame for something that I didn’t necessarily choose and to stop feeling inferior to everyone else.

A lot of these things I can start doing now. But I imagine if I felt that way when I was younger my life would have been running a lot more smoothly now.


#38

I think that’s a good answer. And I am curious about how you think of this: In what little ways could you start doing that, so at least you train yourself to do it and then could do it more and more later?


#39

Do you combine with beyond limitless?


#40

I think the big one is practicing mindfulness again. I used to do that a lot but from the angle of detaching from emotions vs accepting. A lot of my outward behavior stems from my own insecurities with these more vulnerable parts of myself. Having myself open to these experiences will in turn allow me to live a life where I don’t feel the need to hide anything. And then from there opening up to the right people and connecting will create a positive feedback loop for me.

I think the smallest thing I can practice right now is no longer suppressing or trying to control how I feel.