Not really an epiphany, more of an observation. I can’t commit to anything. That’s why I am where I am. I always feel like I don’t have enough time for my music or I have so much further to go. But the truth is I don’t commit. I second guess, I try to be safe, and I waste time when I should just be going for it.
This is my whole life, not just music. I want the safety of my current situation while also getting what I want. It doesn’t work like that. You’re either both feet in or not, it’s not one foot in and the other out. And that means committing more to changing myself. The question I have to ask myself. Do I like how others treat me? Do I like how I interact with others? And the answer is no, absolutely not. So then why the fuck would I bother staying who I am right now? Out of some romanticized idea of authenticity? No, I’m doing a disservice to myself by not molding myself into the person I want to be in this world. Like it or not my immediate environment is a reflection of who I am at this moment. So I’m not dissatisfied with my environment, I’m dissatisfied with myself.
I’ve been afraid to be dominant. I’ve been afraid to own my stuff and be confident. I’ve seen a lot cocky self absorbed guys in my life and I swore to myself I’d never be like that. But I swung the other way. I threw myself so low down on the rungs of society. So it’s about time I said fuck it, if I’m an asshole I’m an asshole. I’d never intentionally hurt people, but I’m not gonna suppress my own personal power for fear of what others think of me. I started AM with an intention, if I never wanted to change, if I never wanted to be a better version of myself than I am right now I never would have even thought of buying it. But I did and it’s pointless trying to hold onto an old me.
So it’s time I stopped with the bs and commit to who I want to be today, not a few months down the road, not in a year, now. No more self imposed limitations on how I should be or what’s in my nature. I’m tired of making excuses for weak behavior in myself. I’m tired of twisting my behavior subconsciously to what people have always expected of me so as to not rock the boat and throw them off.
And I’m posting this here for accountability. If anyone reading this sees me falling off I give you full permission to tell it to me like it is. Honest to god I can’t live like this anymore, I just fucking can’t. Timid around people, being a pushover, being a target to the manipulative assholes in society. I’m not gonna talk big like I have the confidence yet, I’ve had too many times in the past where I’d have these personal power epiphanies and then crumble when out in the real world. That’s not a sign of being alpha to me, that’s a wannabe. I’m at a point now where I fully acknowledge these weak characteristics in myself and if anyone takes advantage of me I only have myself to blame. Like a fucking animal that rolls on it’s back and exposes it’s belly to signal it isn’t a threat, I don’t want any part of that shit anymore.