Ascended Mogul + Ultimate Artist


#121

I’m 28 live with family don’t have a car and don’t have a good job. I have a unworthiness and inferiority complex to people especially women. I dread the question " so what do you do " as a man not having my shit together has definitely messed with my confidence. Through journaling and reading and watching self help and redpill content I discovered I have a fear of success as well.when it comes to women I know I can attract them I see them looking at me but I’m afraid of after I approach and get the number. I fear what will happen when she learns I’m 28 live at home, have no car, and don’t make much money. Its such a primal feeling of shame when I think of this which causes me to self sabatoge with women. Your comment really resonated with me brother I know the feeling


#122

Had this feeling when it told me my art “colleagues” weren’t really my friends. Call it intuition or whatever, there was some serious mental adjustment going on. How could you spend 2-3 years with a group, just to be on the outside?

It’s good ol’ reconciliation.


#123

@Grimm1390 she can only say no, right? Take it as a confidence challenge to yourself, like “I don’t care what she thinks” about my status. Take it or leave it.


#124

Helps you get past the automated applicant tracking systems that companies use.


#125

Nice. Thanks man, this will be a huge help.


#126

So guess I’m going back to staying off night listening. This is a learning process that’s for certain. I’ve noticed my agitated “full” feeling is when I need to back off and let my mind process. I stopped listening midday today. On my drive back home from work I was basically ranting out loud about all the shit that’s been on my mind. I probably looked crazy, but who cares. Most of it had to do with working for this company and getting dragged into their shit with minimal compensation. As if I’m expected to want to devote my whole fucking life to ensuring maximum productivity or whatever. Fuck that shit. Someone was having issues with their VPN connection so a coworker contacted me asking if I could call after I clocked out. Nope, 1 not setting that precedent 2. I’m hourly not on call, not salary, and they wouldn’t pay me OT for this stuff. Old me would have reached out to help the person because they probably had work of their own to do and I felt bad if they were having issues. New me says, yeah it sucks for them but my needs are more important than theirs and this company doesn’t compensate me in any way if I went above and beyond like this. Not my problem, don’t care if I seem like a dick. I’ve been so hung up on the idea of needing to be a good person, that if someone pushed that button they could manipulate me. If you want after hours support either hire someone or pay me you stingy motherfuckers.

And with that you can probably tell I’m heated. But I’m done being civil. I’m done playing by the “rules” of polite discourse. I’ve always walked around super cautious of rocking the boat so to speak. Be nice, be polite, blah blah blah. My problem has been treating anger as this undesirable thing as if I need to transcend it and be this peace loving person. Too much early years reading buddhism and such. But anger tells you when something is wrong and needs to be corrected. I need to own that and never let people walk all over me again. And I know I’ve been angry with this company for a while, but i just stuffed it down instead of doing something with it. And that doesn’t mean bitching about them to “vent”. It means I either do something to get more money or compensation there or I channel that anger into what I really want in my life. Use it as fuel to push myself away from this lifestyle I don’t like.

Nothing wrong with being strong and stopping people from taking advantage of me. It doesn’t make me a bad person for putting my foot down and telling people to fuck off.


#127

@elementary_vision - I can absolutely relate to what you are going through because I have been a “nice guy” long enough for several life times. It’s more than high time to get what is ours! Cheers!


#128

Have you ever considered making a personality test? It may give you some insight about where you are now and where you want to be. At least I think it is very helpful when you use it as a tool and not as holy scripture


#129

What type of personality test? Did you have a specific one in mind?


#130

A type of test that analyzes your potential, strengths and weaknesses. There are many such tests around. I just thought it might be helpful for you. For example there is a personality-type that is very social and does stuff for other people because they are nice. Sometimes too nice so they tend to get used by others. Then there are other types that are very dominant and direct and one of their biggest fears is getting used. I thought about that when I read your post and found it pretty interesting


#131

That could be useful. But I’ve always found personality tests flawed because they are self reported. I mean for the longest time before I even started AM I couldn’t admit this stuff to myself or even see it. So it’s kind of hard to get accurate results if you’re unconsciously biased to begin with.


#132

I know what you are saying, and I said the same. The trick is to answer the questions in the way you actually reacted to the situation the question refers to last time. (weird sentence)


#133

Ah that makes sense. I’ll give it a go then and see what I can find out


#134

Still having trouble doing this at work where others felt the need to overstep their boundary, but I have to unquestionably respect theirs.

Nice to see your “mad as hell and your not taking it anymore”.


#135

Definitely gotta make sure it’s legit. The only thing worse than having people step on you is having them call your bluff if you put your foot down and retreat back. It’s the equivalent of the animal kingdom when posturing up but they get their ass beat anyway. God typing that out I hate that I even have to reduce these types of interactions to that, but it’s the truth. I think the problem is that it’s all situational too. When you’ve got a boss or a higher up their perceived clout is a lot higher and it goes to their head. At that point to really shake them up you have to embody that really raw primal confidence that transcends social classes or situations. No wonder people have such a hard time in life. We’re groomed to be respectful peaceful people, but a good majority of people are predatory assholes.


#136

All the more important that we teach how the real world works as early as possible, which is what Sub Club is doing in part.


#137

Amen, I’m getting a proper education in how to navigate the world.


#138

So I definitely keep messing up on the weekend by drinking coffee. I’m reading more about caffeine and how it effects you. First off, the half life is 5 to 6 hours. That’s pretty crazy. That means if you drink a cup at 8am it doesn’t fully leave your body until 8pm. It apparently ruins REM sleep, arguably the most important part of sleep for processing these subs. And a study from John Hopkins showed that it doesn’t increase performance. It’s a perceived performance increase from those who are going through caffeine withdrawal as it restores you to baseline levels. It’s also triggers your fight or flight response which makes you highly volatile emotionally. I’ve noticed myself reaching for coffee when I want to “escape” the influence of these subs. Not to mention for me it seems to really mess up my body chemistry. I get cold, poor circulation, don’t know what that’s about.

Anyway, the reason I’m posting this is because I keep giving in to the cravings and I need to be stronger and kick the habit all together. I’m not a frequent drinker, so I’m not addicted to it. But I think for me caffeine has a very negative effect on my health and actually reduces the effectiveness of the subs for me.


#139

Hmmm making some discoveries here. I’ve always had obsessive tendencies in my life. I don’t read much, I really have trouble because if I forget what I read I have this compulsion to go back and read it again. This is mostly reading for pleasure or books and such. Articles and little snippets I’m usually ok with and sometimes if the book is relevant to what I’m doing(music production) I can tie in concepts better.

That being said it also manifests itself as me constantly trying to “prepare” or get all the details down before I move forward. I’m starting to think this mentality interferes with the subs. Clearly at the core of it, it’s fear. An irrational fear of not being ready, something going horribly wrong, or being caught off guard by something. So when I spent a good chunk of years “healing”. Well lets just say it was never enough. There always seemed to be something, a compulsion to revisit old issues instead of letting them go or finally taking a concept I was learning and put it into practice.

Trying to figure out how to break this habit. Like what I need to do consistently to stop reinforcing that “I need to prepare more” behavior. I just feel like sometimes I end up overthinking instead of doing. But there’s a definite compulsion to ruminate on stuff because I think I’ll have some breakthrough or discovery that will move me forward. There’s a strong desire to break away and move forward but another part of me says no we’re not ready yet you need to work on xyz.


#140

One more post for today. I was gonna write about this privately, but fuck it the exposure is good to break the stigma around it for me. I’ve said I’ve lived with depression and anxiety before. They wreaked havoc on my life, it screwed me up pretty bad. I’ve constantly been trying to put that behind me, bury it, deny it ever existed. But the fact is I struggle nowadays because I never got the help I needed when I was younger. For whatever reason my parents didn’t accept the idea that I was struggling with mental illness. I constantly got words of encouragement that “there’s nothing wrong with you”, with the best of intention not maliciously. They were convinced I’d break out of it, find my groove, path, whatever cliche you want to think of it. Only I didn’t. I descended further down into chaos and dysfunction while I struggled to navigate the world. Is a parent supposed to ensure a child knows how to navigate hard times like this? Or are you supposed to sink or swim?

Nowadays I’m doing my best to move on from this. To build myself up again. But there’s always shame hanging in the background. Why couldn’t you be stronger? You’re weak because you let fears dictate your life. The fact that you couldn’t overcome it just proves that it was your fault. I think when it comes down to it, it feels like I failed in some way. It’s really hard to look at yourself and say “all those years were my responsibility”. I want to blame it on some mental illness that I had no control over, anything to take away from the sting of realizing I did it to myself. When I own it, when I acknowledge the fact that I did have control, I wasn’t some helpless victim, that opens the doors to basically not having an excuse to hide behind. So when I ask myself why did you suffer all those years? Why did you kind of fuck up your life? The answer? I don’t know. I screwed up, I did. I had windows, brief moments in time of choices I could have made. And I just chose the ones that kept me feeling safe. And I let the fear win, gradually it grew. It got to the point where I didn’t leave my house. I let it consume me until my only world was quite literally inside my room. That’s a lot to take it in at once and I’m going to need some time to process the harsh truth of what I did in my own life and where it left me at today.