That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes survival takes precedence over everything else. The time you think you “wasted” gave you skills and wisdom you’re literally using now.
It proves how powerful you are. I know this is cliche and you need time to sort yourself out but… isnt it true? If you acknowledge that you lived in misery and that you were the source of it and now you realised it… man how awesome can your life be if you choose to be the source of joy and happiness.
Dont rush it, everything needs time.
Thank you for opening up and letting us be a part in your journey.
I’m gonna take a few days off or until I feel better. Got hit with a nasty migraine yesterday and today I was out of it. Didn’t run anything as far as subs go. But all day it felt like I was processing instructions. I’ve just been having that overwhelmed feeling lately and it felt like I was taking in more than I could actually reasonably execute. Instead of just powering through it I figured I should actually listen to my body instead.
I felt like giving up really badly today, I’ve already typed out two paragraphs and deleted them after the feelings subsided. Does anyone’s reconciliation get stronger when you take a break or take time to process the sub more? It feels like I’ve been on intake mode for a while and not really hitting the core of my subconscious. But after today and all the feelings of wanting to give up, feeling like these subs are a dead end, and losing faith in anything in my life being different, it just feels like there’s a lot of stuff I’m still not onboard with yet. I’m thinking either 1 of 2 things. 1. Listening to the subs consistently keeps me “on track” so to speak. Or 2. When I’m listening it’s really only a certain part of my mind it sits in, so it’s like there’s a queue waiting to be processed. The reconciliation isn’t as strong of a reaction because they haven’t sunk deeper.
I’m just still trying to figure out what works best for me. It’s really hard sometimes. I feel like I’m a huge mess and there’s so much work to do and I just feel like there’s not enough time.
Reducing the amount of loops might help. The danger with “taking a break” is that break becomes a few days, then a week. Then you forget to play it.
What do you think this reconciliation is really about? I get how you feel, but let’s take a deep dive…
Good point. Although I already feel ready to go back to listening today. I felt really overwhelmed the other day. I don’t know how to describe it, but like me brain was on fire. So one day off seems to have sorted me out.
I think the reconciliation is really just fear. I’ve always had a deep fear of change. I’ll stay in unfavorable situations longer than I should if that means avoiding huge changes. In this case it’s not even stuff on the outside that needs to change. But my point of reference for who I am in this world. I need to change everything about how I interact with the world. And I guess part of me is still deeply afraid of that. It would rather try to convince me these subs don’t work for me and get me to quit.
I think the catch 22 here for me is wanting to be these things the sub is helping me do but trying too hard to be them. A state of trying assumes it’s out of my reality. A state of being is a state of relaxation where I embrace the beliefs and mindset. The problem is most definitely the reconciliation. If your mind is the type to look for outward evidence as confirmation of your internal state, what the subs push for and what actually currently exists in your life doesn’t exactly match up.
In a way you have to just act delusional. Assuming it’s all in your life already until it actually shows up. It doesn’t make sense and every part of you will probably want to point at the “evidence” on the outside that it’s not true. But you almost have to practice willful ignorance. Which is actually harder if you’re naturally not an ignorant person and you tend to see a more accurate portrayal of how things are in life.
Another thing I thought of. Visualization might be 100% necessary for some people with these subs Maybe I’m wrong, hell I don’t know how these things are scripted or how the subconscious works. But if the subs are basically referencing states that it’s attempting to build upon and your life has no examples of those, it’s basically pulling from an empty void. Like a failed lookup table because it references something that’s not in your database. For me at least. I think I have to work on visualizations more to build a picture of what I’m aiming for because my actual life has absolutely no experiences to pull from.
And I find myself yet again trying to become an entirely different person. I’m not saying change is bad, but I do think it needs to come from a place of self love. Whereas for me it’s been feeling like hatred and wanting to erase the undesirable parts of me.
Maybe that’s why reconciliation has been so rough lately. Just engaging in a lot of self hate and frustration at myself.
What helps me when I am frustrated is to step back from social media and everyone/everything that I envy or identify with in a limiting way. Then I remind myself where I originally come from. Who was I when I started this journey? And third step, I say fuck all for a few days or weeks and do just the things I like and find my joy in. I dont want to change anything about me in this time. It is all fine as it is
I like that. I’ve been so caught up in shit lately I’ve lost myself. I should take some time to myself this weekend and just chill instead of panicking and doing stuff.
Also decided to buy regeneration. I’m throwing this in my stack during the day, but I’m going to loop it once before I go to sleep at night as well. I realized all these good things I’m trying to bring about in my life won’t happen if I don’t have any self worth for myself. And that’s something I’ve struggled with for a long time now.
Any reason why regeneration over rebirth ? They seem very simliar
Rebirth is a literal 180º flip on your life. What didn’t kill you made you stronger.
It helped me a lot with AscMogul.
Just following my intuition really. Rebirth didn’t seem like it would cover everything I needed. Although thinking about it now I could throw it into my stack as well.
Ah damn, should have bought rebirth instead lol. This is probably what I need more considering 90% of my reconciliation is always a battle with past negative events that cause me to think I have to be a certain way.
Trying not to let my stack become too bloated especially now that I’m not listening at nights.
I’m thinking this for my stack now
Asc Mogul x3
So pissed at myself right now. I got informed at 3:30 pm, my day is over at 4:30, on a friday that our sister company needed extra hands this coming week. This came from the top guy requesting. Could I have said no? Yeah probably. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to go and I just told them yeah I could do it. Oh my god my internal rage at myself is off the charts. Why didn’t I say no? Why didn’t I be stronger? I just crumbled and gave in. They’re in California, I live in NY.
This is the kind of shit I screw up all the time. I say yes when I want to say no because I’m too afraid of consequences from saying no. I told myself after this, never again. If I don’t want to do something and it’s an unreasonable request I have every right to say no. I need to be stronger
Also I find it just a little bit too coincidental this popped up right after I finished one loop of the rebirth module. Talk about restructuring your past beliefs. Did I have to play this out in present time to basically slap myself across the face and wake up to how this isn’t ok?
All I had to do was say no, it was that simple. But nope. Now I have to deal with jetlag and whatever clusterfuck awaits me over there. I did this to myself, I can’t even be angry at anyone else.
So had a really terrifying dream. Mostly because it felt real, the circumstances were absurd though. So I was at a pool hall and for some reason not one, but two guys decided to shoot up the place. And not at the same time. It was like the first guy came and left. Then the second. My best friend got shot. I tried to hit one of them with a cue stick but he saw me so I ran around the corner instead. There was nothing I could do. It felt as real as a scenario could get if you were confronted by someone with a gun and it wasn’t in close proximity. Eventually I ran to my car, got in and was shaking so bad I had trouble inserting the key into the ignition. All the while bullets were going through the windshield.
Felt like I was going to die. No John Wick stuff here, no overly courageous behavior, no feeling of invincibility. Just powerlessness and weakness and fear. I’m thinking the dream represents a fear of death. Preserving my life at all costs and in my day to day life is the equivalent of not taking risks. And while it does keep me somewhat safe, I don’t conquer the obstacles I need to conquer in life to be happy.
What I thought when I read about your dream is “Man, I’d shit my pants in such a scenario”. I mean, especially because it is a swimming hall. You feel so vulnerable half naked.
Who wouldnt have been scared?
See the link?
@Michel Yeah I can see it now. Wasn’t as obvious when I was initially stuck in that self hate. I guess I was in a mentality of “you deserve this shit” so the dreams followed that theme.
Man, have to vent in this post a bit. Sometimes I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. Sometimes I feel so different from everyone around me. What I want in life, what motivates me, what kind of things bring me joy. I’ve been practicing gratitude and positive thinking a lot lately, but honestly it hasn’t done much for me. And I think it’s because I’m only grateful for stuff like a roof over my head, safe area, able to eat. I’m grateful for it, but that doesn’t automatically mean my life is fantastic. I found myself excusing the shit behavior of other people in life when I focused too much on gratitude. Like oh your job only pays 16 an hour? Be thankful you even have a job that pays that much, someone else would enjoy that job. Fuck you. Fuck this shaming people for wanting something more than a lifeless 9-5 office job just because other people are homeless. That’s not how human emotions work, that’s not how happiness works, that’s not how life works. Life is not a fucking checklist, but that’s how some people go through life. And then push this onto everyone else in society. And then what? We’re made to feel guilt when our needs deviate from the status quo.
This has been my life. I’ve carried a lot of guilt and shame because what makes other people happy doesn’t for me. I’ve always wanted to ask people if they are happy. Like why? How is the typical american lifestyle in any way fulfilling?
For a long time I thought happiness was just a mindset. Like if you meditated enough, were more spiritual, practiced being positive, you could be happy with what you have. And this is where I shot myself in the foot. I kept trying to enforce that vs listening to my intuition and tearing down everything and rebuilding. I think the fact is, you have to be strong enough to deal with the metric ton of bullshit people will throw your way in life. And in order to do that you can’t take the path of least resistance, you can’t just say “everything is ok” while your soul screams inside. I wanted to shortcut everything. I wanted to think that I was fine and I didn’t need to change. Well I do and it’s not because of external pressure to be someone else. It’s so I can be stronger and deal with the assholes of the world while staying true to myself. I don’t have that right now and I need it. I need that security of knowing wherever I go, whoever I deal with, I won’t be taken advantage of or mistreated. Right now it feels like I don’t have that and it makes me deeply uncomfortable because I don’t feel in control of my life.
That stuff always annoyed me. It is basically a “the children in africa”-thing. It’s not like it is wrong but usually people tell you you shouldnt compare yourself with other people. So why do we do it? For me it really looks like just a tool to keep people at their place.
There are starving people in Africa who would kill for your food…
Ok but how does me being fat solve the problem?
When you’re ready, Power Can Corrupt will take care of the assholes of the world.