So true. Definitely was interested in Power Can Corrupt. But I told myself I wouldn’t budge from AM and UA until I could say with 100% certainty that my life is changed and I have the confidence and power to navigate my life without limitation.
I’m heavily considering dropping UA for now and committing fully to AM. I just want to have control over my life. I have my music aspirations, but if I’m honest what really causes me anxiety and creative blocks is the fact that I struggle out in the real world. I think if I had more of a sense of stability first then added UA again it would help and work a lot faster.
Also considered UA by itself, but without knowing what else is in the script I’d be too worried about not building universal self confidence.
Thoughts? They both are big goals for me and I feel like despite the scripting being able to link them, it still seems to divide my mind too much. And right now the priority is really on getting my life together. Part of that is the music, but that’s really long term and I need a way to survive right now. Strings of low paying jobs and people taking advantage of me needs to stop.
Maybe tweaking the stack so AM heavily outweighs UA. I might do that actually.
Actually gonna try something new
AM x 5
UA x 2
I’m going to try hitting rebirth first to see if it makes me more receptive to AM. My reasoning is that the subs might have a buffer period before older programming kicks in. If I can hit the window of time right after rebirth my subconscious might be more open to the idea of AM and then further down UA. Also tweaked the loops of AM to outnumber UA. Thought about it for a bit and I’ve been liking what UA has been doing for my music so I’m not ready to abandon it.
So can part of reconciliation be self sabotage? It feels like I can’t commit to being what I want. I always feel held back, stuck. I feel as if I can’t change. I guess it’s fear. But it’s annoying because I understand what the key to getting what you want is. You have to embody that reality and believe without doubt you have it. But you have to commit.
I understand the possibilities before me, I just have a shitton of trouble with follow through. Not really in my actions, but my mentality and fundamentally shifting my belief structure.
To change your beliefs, act as though you believe differently. I know it’s easier said than done and it will feel messy at first. But if you act as though you believe, your actions will yield results, and those results will reinforce your new beliefs.
To abuse the driver analogy, you want to drive forward but your subconscious is running in reverse gear.
You say you feel stuck, yet every day you are changing with these subs. The subconscious is protecting you from something “bad”.
If you changed beyond recognition, what kind of fear would that bring?
That’s the thing though. I’m worried I’m not changing. Sometimes I can’t tell if that’s true or if it’s just the fear clouding my judgement.
I can’t give a solid answer on this one. But the closest I can get is that a deep identity level change would feel like the death of me somehow. You spend your whole life growing up almost being told how you are by other people around you. And for me it feels like a lot of that identity level stuff is linked to memories of my past, memories of my family and that bond. I know it’s highly irrational, but as I move away from that familiar identity it feels like my past becomes less real and who I was ceases to be.
But I know every time I’ve been on the verge of majorly changing I think to myself that I need to preserve who I am. And I think it’s just a defense mechanism. You can’t possibly stay who you are and change at the same time, it just doesn’t work like that. Part of me doesn’t like that concept. It feels more like betrayal than growth. As someone that highly favors authenticity, the lines of what authenticity are really blur when you realize how malleable the mind is and how much you can change as an individual.
I can understand that. These SubClub subs go deep. Identity-level deep.
Have you seen @saintsovereign 's struggle against his success triggering off death feelings?
It’s nothing more that ego death. Whatever fed your identity will be challenged, because it’s not you. YOU exists in beneath.
That’s a really unique ideology. What if you shifted it a bit? Maybe something like “Not growing/changing into who I want to become is a betrayal of my true self”
Yeah I was reading about Saint’s stuff regarding feelings of death. I can relate to that very much. I think it helps talking about it here on this forum. Otherwise I pretty much feel lost in a void. Ego death makes sense. There is something more to me than these collective experiences, but I’ve attached too much meaning to them. Possible survival strategies mixed in there too, hence the feelings of death.
I’ll definitely work on that. I think for me a lot of the issues I grew up with didn’t have clear separation from myself as a person. So the true self is a very muddied thing to me. Even moreso I’ve always consistently had an unstable self identity. That almost seems like a contradiction given the fact I’m holding onto past self identities. But it always seems like people have a firm knowing of who they are, whereas I just exist… I can’t tell if that’s me separating from ego or if I never built a solid foundation or self structured identity to operate from. I think ego is necessary to operate in life, regardless of what some spiritual teachers say about transcending it.
It’s kind of like someone building a house, a few years down the road and they realize “shit we fucked this up, we have to tear it ALL down and start again, there’s nothing salvageable here”. That’s what it kind of feels like in my case. And that’s probably why the whole true self perspective doesn’t really click for me because from my perspective there is no true self if I have to basically destroy everything and rebuild. But that right there is probably the fear speaking.
Didn’t mean to ramble here, but yeah. It’s complicated for me. I have trouble “convincing” that part of myself it’s not death or betrayal because it doesn’t respond to logic.
I can assure you that you are not alone in feeling this way. In fact many people feel like they have no firm identity while others have it all together. It’s a very distinct form of perception bias. One thing to keep in mind is that your “true self” is not something that is fixed/set in stone. It will change and develop over time just as you do. The idea that who you are is permanent, or will ever be permanent is a fallacy. In the end everything changes, that is the nature of things
Good point. I guess I always subscribed to the idea that there is a “true self” buried under all the crap you internalize over the years. Probably misguidance from years of self help gurus claiming to know how things work. Everything changes, so true. I guess holding that fixed point of view is something that has weighed down my ability to change. Thanks for the reminder.
I think the true self-part is actually the case. At least in my experience. It is this feeling of childhood, that’s when I know I am very close to it. But it is pure and moldable, it doesnt really have an identity.
Coming back to it allows me to choose a new identity.
Thats how I always thought about it.
Thanks everyone for the insight. It helped me dig more and find out what’s holding me back. I created a pros and cons list of changing myself. After writing it all out I saw how limiting my assumptions about change were and how not changing was actually more detrimental to my experience as a conscious being.
Putting rebirth in the front of my stack seems to have helped with my receptivity to AM. I don’t feel as much pushback saying “Yeah but I don’t know if that’s possible because look what happened here in the past”. And that’s been one thing that holds me back a ton. Putting too much weight in the past and filtering all future possibilities through those experiences.
I’ve also identified when I’m drifting into a “freeze response” state of mind. For a long time now when I’m faced with controversy or challenge my mind will drift into this frozen state where I’m detached and sort of unresponsive but still going through the motions of life. It could last weeks or days, when it was particularly bad and I didn’t have much responsibility it would be months. Numbing out and blocking out the outside world. I’ve learned to gently guide myself back into a focused forward momentum. This has been a huge reason why I’m not super responsive to subs because I had figured out a way to detach from the influence of them completely. Even worse my mind had played tricks on me and said it was a calm and relaxed mindset that was good for me, so I’d drift into it deeper and deeper. Don’t know if anyone else has dealt with that or not. @SaintSovereign and @Fire not sure if that bit of insight is useful at all for you guys or if you’re already aware of that type of reconciliation response.
Another reconciliation attempt that frequently occurred with me. Thinking if I was experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil on these subs I was doing something “wrong”. I kept trying to figure out a better way, when really the better way was through it. The longer I delayed that, the less I improved. Sometimes I think it’s a load of bullshit how much crap I have to deal with, but at the end of the day I need to correct it. No amount of wishing it wasn’t there or trying to find a better solution will make it disappear.
So with that I’m going to stop trying to direct this process and just see where it takes me and go what I need to go through to get there. It’s obviously going to take me down a lot of unfamiliar behavior, but that’s what I need to experience to grow.
“The only way out is through”
Best wishes on your changes brother
We got your back, brother. We are all in this together.
Was doing some more digging, this time in relation to my music. I was sitting there working on a track when I get the familiar feeling of anxiety. I realized the very act of sitting down in front of my computer to work on stuff triggers feelings of worthlessness and failure. I’ve spent so many sessions creating stuff where I pretty much only criticized my work and told myself how crappy it was. It killed the joy for me. All the self evaluation, feeling like I needed to write something good vs just expressing myself. I asked myself what’s the worst that could happen if I allowed myself to feel good about all my creations? I realized that all this chasing needing to be good stemmed more from worrying too much what others think.
And then I realized, hey that’s not just music that’s every part of my life. I thought about what I really wanted out of AM. How would I be if I truly didn’t care what others think and just did my own thing? I realized all this alpha posturing I’ve been trying to instill in myself is what I wanted other people to see. I wanted people to see me as cool, badass, confident. But by attaching too much value to how others perceive me, I pretty much did the opposite. If I’m gonna be those things it’s for reasons that improve my own life, not as a way to get validation from people.
Whoa, I think I’ve been in the same boat! Thank you for sharing this revelation. It might be exactly what I needed as well
Always happy to have my insights help someone in some way!