For the time being im still running Ascended Mogul and Rebirth exclusivly.
Also form here on out i will be posting raw and unfiltred thoughts and updates. I feel like letting loose from my conservative side.
My EX calls me on NYE and wishes me a happy new year. As happy as that made me it still f**ks with me hard. After 3 months of pretending to be free of her or moved on i still feel more or less the same.
My problem is that i could never hurt anyone i care about. I have been hurt by life so much i could never feel like hurting anyone. More like im far too selfless for my own good. I had plenty of chances to sleep with other women on my short time on S&S and some Primal. I’v neglected to post about it knowing i would be called out for my b**ch and emotional behaviour. Which is what i othetwise actually need to hear.
With that girl i was truly in love. Everything was perfect but her moving back to her city for college and knowing we have no future she cut me off. The sex alone was legendary ( thanks to Sex Mastery X ) but everything else was far too good to even begin to describe. I thought she would run back if not for me then for the countless orgasms i had given her. Didnt happen.
It wasn’t so much about her but about my ego. All i heard growing up was that im worthless and pathetic. Over the last 5 years i have litterarly built my self from nothing. I desperatly wanted those old beliefs shattered by seeking proof of its invalidity i real life. Since no matter how successful i become, those beliefs haunt me still.
Its sad i know but what worse is seeing how guys who are far less than me end up with so much more. The damage my father did to me when i was 15 to 20 is not so easy to undo. Today he prasies the ever living **** out of me. Everywhere i go people respect me, his friends who are mostly successful buissness men are despirate to have me near them. Yet i feel nothing of his pride in me. I had allready completly didregarded his opinion of me. I no longer hate him but the damage is still there.
So i work out, work, plan, read and try to live the best life for my self yet im furious of why i still feel the same as i did back then.
My worldview is being shattred. I always see my self in high regard, im mostly indifferent to other peoples opinions of me. I have amazing confidence, dominance & power yet not true self esteem.
Im constatnly fighting to prove to myself that im worth something yet no matter what i achieve it feels the same. It’s like a part of me gave up on loving myself.
So i wanted her to love me the way i couldn’t and im sure as hell she did. She just cant verbally express it since she knew we were doomed from the start.
Honestly speaking, as pathetic as it sounds, i want someone to love me the way i can’t. When i was with her i was mostly cool, never needy because i know better. But it’s what i secretly craved.
Whats worse is that if i truly become an asshole with women i could get all the validation and attention but i wouldn’t need it.
Why would i love anyone who only loves me because i treat her like dirt. Yet i cant be myself since i always end up alone with ” You desurve someone bettet ”.
Thats another ideal shattred. That somewhere there is this perfect someone out there for me. Honestly i neef a hard reset. I truly don’t care about women anymore since no one could ever give me what i want.
A: Continue this fruitless struggle and maybe something gets better.
B: Fuck it all i will start living for myself and truly love life. Anyone who acts otherwise is getting kicked the fuck out.
Anger is all i feel now days. It used to be depression but now its anger. But there must be more.
So i humbly ask @fire and @SaintSovereign
I felt from the moment i ran Emperor that it would be the quickest way out of this hell. No matter how much it breaks me in the proccess. My question is. Will it truly do so?