Sitting here about to put together my second custom for the music production stuff. It shouldn’t be this hard to decide, but it is. I want to write meaningful stuff, but I’ve found that in that endless pursuit to write meaningful stuff I dug myself deeper and deeper into a hole of self criticism and perfectionism. Spending too much of my time debating what I should write vs just writing. In the end most of the time what I write isn’t even amazing, so I put myself through all that self torture and yet I’m not doing anything differently. Hell the people writing stuff and not giving a shit are having more fun and enjoyment than me.
Don’t I deserve to just enjoy the experience and live a life where I can make a living off of this without grinding myself into the ground? Without worrying if it’s “good enough”. Yeah I think so. There’s a difference between being ambitious and creative vs harmful and self critical.
Not just music. I want to get rid of this pervasive feeling of “not good enough”. It isolates me. I automatically assume nobody really likes me and nobody could like me for who I am. And it’s just a self fulfilling prophecy from there. If this whole “not good enough” just leaks into EVERYTHING. Everything I touch will be not good enough. I can’t have that, I know there’s a better way.
Obviously me running StarkQ in my custom there’s an element of wanting to be that fun sociable guy who’s in the spotlight. But I feel like I’ve been trying to be that vs actually being it. To be honest I just feel like a social reject. An outcast. I know that’s my perception though, any of my friends I’ve hung out with will tell me just the opposite. But it doesn’t matter if I can’t believe it myself because I end up doing stupid shit that further self isolates me. And of course I’m always lying to myself and saying it doesn’t bother me, but fuck it. I’ve been on the outside for so long, for once in my life I’d like to be part of something to be closer or like I belong. I’m not a strong lone wolf independent person like I deluded myself. Even those guys have the capacity to make friends. Me, I’ve just always been insecure and those insecurities destroy potential relationships with people.
This reminds me of when I was 18 years old and had my grand epiphany that I didn’t need other people in my life to be happy and I could be happy by myself. Of course that was just an elaborate defense mechanism for the ostracized feelings I internalized for most of my life. That definitely wasn’t an epiphany based on self growth, love, and compassion for myself.
Gah, I should have expected such harsh reconciliation when I chose StarkQ. It’s pretty much the exact opposite of how I’ve lived most of my life, but I chose it for that exact reason. I’ve just been really shooting myself in the foot lately though.