Breaking Down the Walls


#202

Reminds me a bit of the music and approach of Erik Satie with his Gymnopedies and Gnossienes and have you ever heard Des pas sur la neige by Claude Debussy? Contrast these beautiful brief poems with the elaborate compositions of Chopin, full of ornamentation and flourishes. I don’t think they suffer at all in the comparison.


#203

Man that’s weird. I was actually listening to Debussy today while I was at work. I’ve been trying to get into more classical composers. I’ll have to check those composition out. I’ve only recently heard Satie, but I definitely connected with his music. I’m definitely more interested in digging into romantic era composers.

Something that always bugs me though despite my passion for my own music I find it hard to be really knowledgeable on any artists. You won’t find me reeling off names or anything, I seem to just collect bits and pieces here and there. So while I have an appreciation for the music, retaining any sort of knowledge about them doesn’t happen.


#204

Ah, so we got a nice little synchronicity there.

Des pas sur la neige is, for lack of a better word, dope.

I usually remember the sounds of the music I like and not the names. Especially when it comes to specific compositions. (I learned at some point that those are drawing on different types of memory processing.) But since as early as I can remember, I’ve deeply connected to the Impressionist composers. There are a number of them, and those are names I’ll always remember: Debussy, Faure, Ravel.

What music do you love?


#205

Gonna check it out today definitely.

I’m all over the place with music lol. I don’t know how to explain it but certain artists just click with me. It can transcend genres. I’ve been kind of going backwards though. I’ll find an artist I like and then try to find their roots. Though I seem to gravitate towards more, I don’t know how to describe it. But I think Carl Craig comes as close to that vibe as I’ve heard. It’s like hearing something and feeling at home. I definitely also like more high energy dance floor stuff, but the things that really connect with me don’t tend to be popular in the mainstream sense. I like finding artists with a balance of instrospective type music without getting too much ego in there.


#206

Gradually learning to stop caring so much. For a lot of my life I’ve been very dysfunctional. I still am. I felt guilty and ashamed about it like I was a failure. But then it dawned on me, whatever it is i struggle with for some people it’s not even on their radar so they have no right to judge me. I’m doing my best and that’s all that matters. Some days are better than others, but I try.


#207

Guess stuff is still coming in. This all started a few months back with a chain of events that have led me to this point in my life. It was a tv show that caused me to reach out for help, getting that help in the form of a diagnoses, getting on medication, and continuing to learn how to manage my own mind and learn to be happy.

I keep finding myself saying “no this is wrong, you need to solve this with the power of your mind only anything else is going to lead you down the wrong path”. And I’m looking at things now. Maybe this had to happen. Seems like a bridge of incidents Neville always talked about.

And I’d be a damn fool to push away improvements in my own life just because it doesn’t fit what I expected or doesn’t seem like a grandiose display of subconscious power. I don’t know where the limits are. I can theorize all I want about what’s possible or not. But the bottom line is it’s all about taking care of myself and improving life for myself. As long as I keep that in mind, how powerful I am is largely irrelevant.


#208

You should use everything at your disposal even if it doesn’t fit your idea of going it alone or through mental strength. It’s not a weakness to treat yourself properly whatever it takes.


#209

Man, I finally listened to the linked music you posted. Psyche-Crackdown.

Man. I love that too.

Just makes me happy.

When I was younger this would have basically been a literal drug for me. My feet were always a couple cm’s off the ground. Nothing noticeable. But all it took was the right sound and…

On an unrelated note, very different song, the synth chords that start out that song remind me so much of the ones at the start of this one: (of course they went in very different directions from that starting point)


#210

My intuitive sense is that something that would be helpful would be to integrate some chances to experience the sensation of awe. Not too much. Don’t want to blow your awareness open. But just some chances to be around some Very Big things. Sometimes even a planetarium does the trick.

There’s a natural excellence and detailedness to you, it seems. But it draws you into that micro-view. That view takes up a lot of your mental/attentional airtime. And that’s good. Feeds your excellence. But if it’s not balanced by the Very Big, the Wide Open, it can become tyrannical and an obsessive taskmaster.

The Grand Canyon. The nighttime sky. These are good reminders.

You mentioned a while ago that you to a hiking trip. Seemed like that was restorative. Stuff like that.


#211

Your intuition is correct. That type of stuff is very restorative. When I went camping a few weeks ago I got to sit under the clear night sky in an area with no light pollution. It was nice just being a part of the universe during that time, without feeling the need to be anything more.

I find it hard to set these things up for myself though. I really should do more. But I can’t explain it. When the weekend comes around and I have free time, I just don’t want to do much of anything. It’s frustrating for me because I can’t understand why it’s just so difficult for me to get in my car and drive a couple minutes to go hiking at a place I know.


#212

Also wow, yeah I can hear the similarities. It wouldn’t surprise me if he took inspiration from it. A lot of these techno pioneers had pretty diverse taste. It’s what made their stuff so unique.

I sometimes can’t listen to this track at work because I just get lost in it. I’ve definitely looped this multiple times. Totally understand where you’re coming from.

If you haven’t checked out any of Carl Craig’s stuff definitely do so. He’s a powerhouse of music like this and he’s super creative. The different avenues he explores in his music is amazing, I don’t know how he does it. A lot of artists get stuck in one sound.


#213

After a week of 3 loops I think it was too much for me. Found it harder to focus at work, lots of those feelings of hopelessness and apathy popped up. Yeah I could work through it, but it was tough. I basically had to put my work on pause until I could collect myself. Not ideal. And immensely stressful when I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to focus. Then I fall behind and that causes more stress. This will be my second time going to 3 loops and it seems the same thing happened. So I think 2 is definitely where I’ll stay for now.

Having said that I’m going to listen once in the morning and once before bed at night. That should be a large enough gap for me to process whatever comes up in the morning. I think the 3 loops did me in because I listened once at 8am and then another around 1 pm and then at night. And I think it was that short time period between 8am and 1pm.

My jobs been getting difficult enough to focus on, I can’t put myself under more stress by amplifying that. I think my biggest mistake is still approaching these subs like I need to “break” my mind. Certain subliminal producers in the past recommend high volume of listening to push past stuff. But at the end of the day it’s the actions i take and if I’m putting myself in a reconciliation hole where I’m burned out, that defeats the purpose of the subs.

In other news my new custom q finished yesterday. Still not sure how I’m going to go about that. Maybe alternating weekly. Since it is a bit lighter it might give my mind more time to recover on the weeks I listen to it.


#214

I spent pretty much all day working on a track I’m writing. Started at 9am and writing this now around 6pm. It wasn’t straight through, I took small breaks in between but for the most part I was hyper focused today.

But this is part of my issue. I’ll let things fall apart around me while I’m focusing in on something like this. To be honest I had such a shit work week I just wanted to say fuck everything today I’m spending my time on this.

I have this nagging thought in the back of my head though saying “This is a waste of your time. You should be making yourself marketable for a better paying job. Work on your skills, learn new stuff, blah blah blah”. What a shitty thought you know? That’s all anyone talks about, being good enough to get hired with a company and make enough money to live. I’ve got serious focus issues if I’m not actively interested in what I’m learning. I’ve always been like that. It’s really gotten me into trouble over the years and it’s made it impossible to collect skills for a boring ass job I have no interest in. I don’t have any ability whatsoever for delayed gratification. And god knows I’ve tried, that’s what I’ve been whipping myself constantly about over the years. But I’m at a point where I just have to consider what’s going to work for me, as an individual and work with that. I don’t think I’m cut out for how society is structured. And I’ve pissed away enough of my years beating myself up over that and trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Maybe music really is the only thing for me. It’s the only thing I’ve been able to give enough attention to over the years consistently. If I can’t fit in anywhere else I might as well focus on that as a strength and build it up. I just have to learn not to let the rest of my life fall apart when I get too absorbed in it.

But I’m pretty happy with how this track is turning out. I’m able to channel more of my emotion into it, which I’ve had difficulty with in the past. Finding the right chords, playing the right melody, stuff like that at an intuitive level.


#215

Had a nasty migraine this morning. Decided not to listen. Im actually going to take the week off from subs and give my mind some rest. Between work and pushing for all these changes I put too much in my buffer so to speak.

But I’ll say this. Today it really hit me just how much I put myself into shit situations. How I take on more than I should and let people use me. How my own mental health is being compromised for a company that doesn’t even give a shit about me. I keep getting stressed from this job but the fact is I don’t have to feel that way. The only thing keeping me stressed is the fear of consequences if I don’t meet the expectations of others. That’s it. And that’s entirely under my control. I just have to get better at not letting that fear manipulate me.

The fact is, as much as a healthy environment would be great I have to accept the fact that sometimes you need to figure out how to survive in the unhealthy ones too. They aren’t great, but there’s definitely lessons to be learned. About other people and more importantly myself and how much I value and care about myself.


#216

Had to make a follow up with my doctor for this Friday. I’m unbelievably irritated and angry. It’s gotten to the point where I have trouble working because everything and everyone is pissing me off so much. I know it’s the meds because I’ve been tracking the time of when it peaks and it’s been fairly consistent. I’m so close to losing my shit with someone here.

That’s not to say the sub hasn’t been influencing me as well. I find myself having more of a fuck you attitude to this company. I had to fix a printer issue yesterday and the guy was being an absolute prick. 4:30(quitting time) rolled around and I was like sorry, gonna have to look at it tomorrow because I don’t know what the issue is. VP was in the room too. That’s how done I am giving to this place. They take from me but only because I let them and care too much. But I’m done. Me first from now on.


#217

Wishing you abundant joy and relief from suffering.


#218

Much appreciated. I’m going through a lot right now trying to iron out the details of my life. It’s a combination of being too hard on myself and comparing myself to others who don’t experience the same difficulties as me.


#219

I can say almost a week off subs. Neither good or bad really. If there was a bloom period I’m not sure if I perceived it. I’m not saying it didn’t happen, it just wasnt a wow look at this type of reaction.

But overall I’m just annoyed with how people think about life. Like being an adult means doing things you don’t want to do. What kind of attitude is that? How often have you heard “yeah nobody really likes their job”? For most of my life I feel like I’ve been battling this vortex of mediocrity. I want something different, better, I’m not content to settle. Talking to others in day to day life really sucks sometimes. I can see why a rule of manifesting is to not outwardly discuss your goals. Not only will people tell you you’re wrong, but they’ll try to actively convert you to their belief system.

I get gratitude. I’m thankful for what I have. But I hate when people throw that in your face like it should be enough. If our lives were meant to be complacent and routine with what we have, well nobody would be exploring or venturing out. I think there are some people that like predictable stable routines and they are equally as important as anyone else. But that shouldnt be the standard. It shouldn’t be pushed on everyone. My mind has rejected that idea for as long as I can remember.

I’ve held onto predictable and routine and it’s only caused misery for me. I only stay in it because of fear, not because I actively enjoy it. I’m kind of a paradox. Too much unpredictable stuff and I get anxious and fall apart. Too much predictable stuff and I get depressed. I guess there’s a balance. What it is, I haven’t quite found it yet.


#220

Almost done with this track. Was an absolute bitch getting the harmonies right. I tend to just go by feel and ignore theory. I probably follow it to some degree but I often feel like people use music theory in a very cookie cutter paint by numbers type of way. Like yeah that chord works with the bassline, but is that what you want the chord to sound like? I’ll often have a bassline going playing root notes and stack different voicings on top of it in whatever way sounds good. Takes forever to figure out what I want but in the end it feels more rewarding because it’s what I wanted not what works.

Started the other custom yesterday. Will continue through the week and derail my perception of it.


#221

Gratitude is big for me. For me, it has nothing to do with ‘should’ or ‘enough’. It’s about getting my head right.

It’s sort of like ‘the truest thing I know’ kind of thing.

This is a really, really big universe. Like so big that it’s… I don’t know.

So that’s one thing.

But you know what else?

At some point, I started seeing my state of mind as almost like a battleground. This might sound funny but cultivating gratitude is like giving a big middle finger to any force, internal or external, that wants to control my mind state.

It’s like ‘oh yeah, depression? Well, fuck you! I’m grateful.’

‘Oh, powerlessness, self-doubt, frustration, you’re trying to push me around again? Fuck you, I’m grateful. I’ll even say thank you for you. Because at the end of the day, you’re just another feature of my experience. Oh, you’re planning to stick around for a little while? Cool. Cool. Well get a drink, then. I’m not going anywhere either.’

I remember I was on the 1/9 train headed up to midtown one morning like 20 years ago when this just hit me. Haha. I didn’t call it gratitude, but eventually it morphed into gratitude.