Breaking Down the Walls


#262

Nah fuck this, I’ll keep going. I told myself to commit to this custom and keep going till I can build the life I want. I think I should use SanguineU more though because I feel like life is constantly beating me down.

I have supportive people in my life that I’m thankful for. But I still feel alone in how much I struggle.

One thing that’s been made abundantly clear to me. Constantly criticizing myself for not achieving what I want, or having down days, or not being as put together as everyone else doesn’t help. I’m getting better at showing myself compassion and not just having a knee jerk reaction of being a lazy unmotivated piece of shit.

Holding myself to a standard of operating like everyone else around me when I’m unaware of what else they have going on isn’t fair. Meaning my mental bandwidth might be significantly lower and it’s not fair to judge myself for it.

But this isn’t recent , I’m talking a lifetime of this stuff. The negative internal dialogue I’ve had with myself that just tears down even my smallest achievements as not good enough. Imagine building something and every step of the way somebody just comes by with a sledgehammer and wrecks it and that’s my life in a nutshell. All because growing up everyone just assumed I never tried hard enough vs being burdened with a lot more than my young mind could handle.


#263

Where are you at with all this stuff now?

Sending you good vibes man.


#264

Thanks man

I wish I had an answer to that, truthfully. It’s been hard because every option in my life just feels like the wrong path. I’m having trouble just getting by. It’s like I’m fighting to live my life vs actually living it. I’m growing and making progress, there’s no doubt in my mind. But it never seems enough to dig me out of the hole I’ve found myself in and it’s immensely frustrating. Especially when it feels like what I want out of life doesn’t follow the common theme everyone else subscribes to. And then on top of that just working at a job that doesn’t treat me fairly, it’s just been hard overall.

I’ve got my appointment with a neurologist this Thurs to see if I can get some more clarification on ADHD and the possibility of having it. Part of me is grappling with this a lot. One part says “no that’s a limiting belief, don’t believe that. Your mind is powerful enough to overcome that”, another part says “The signs have always been there, even from childhood and you struggled in childhood because of this. Before you even knew what it was, so something is there”. This could very well be the thing I’ve been trying to “fix” for years and I just had no idea what I was really up against when I took that on by myself.

So it’s just been a lot of stuff to deal with. A lot of healing, a lot of self forgiveness, a lot of understanding. It’s really not easy for me to accept the fact that I need to be less demanding on myself because I’ve been whipping myself for years.


#265

ya bro it’s all just negative belief systems that you picked up as a child that is creating your experience and attracting you all this unfavorable circumstance and self defeating behavior
we have more control in our reality than we’ve been taught our entire life to believe

neurologists, psychologists and therapists are useless they just try to rationalize stuff Consciously instead of getting to the actual core of the problems which lies in the subconscious mind

i wouldnt use Stark Q, i would focus on healing subs, maybe a custom and then use your intention combined with the subs to change your belief systems and rewrite all those negative beliefs with positive ones
your vibration will increase, inside out. and life will be 100x better
you’ll never have negative self talk again
boom fast and easy :star_struck:


#266

Hang in there. Hang in there.

you are going to work it out.

and then…celebrate

I hear you.

Your ongoing changes and growth are apparent from the outside, but it will probably take some specific, subjectively-important piece of the puzzle falling into place to make it all feel better.

How about the work situation? Obviously, only answer what is appropriate and comfortable to post here.


#267

@amambitious357 wish it was that easy man. I’ve gone down the healing route before. It never worked out too well for me because it led to inaction in my life and more procrastinating. Trust me when I say I’ve been through a lot of this self healing stuff. If it was as simple as healing I wouldn’t be where I am right now because I’ve dedicated hours of my time into that in the past. I’m not saying you’re wrong. It just might not be the right path for me right now and I can’t see it as one I should pursue more.

@Malkuth Thanks, I feel the same way. I feel like I’ve been on a time frame. I don’t know a lot about astrology, but it feels like there’s a timing thing here and I haven’t hit that point yet. Which reminds me I grabbed that download you had mentioned a while back on finding your purpose which I’ve been meaning to check out.

Anyway with the work situation. I’m holding off until my boss gets back to have a serious discussion with him about the whole traveling thing. Going to email him so I have a paper trail. I was thinking about what you said and I’m hopeful there is some level of understanding. I often forget I’m quite stoic when it comes to my internal stuff so what I see as profound emotional distress others might see as light annoyance. A lot of my anger has subsided and I’m able to think more clearly. A lot of that anger was at myself projected outward because I almost gave in and disregarded my needs out of fear.

I’m currently searching for a new job as it made me realize these tradeshows in general cause a tremendous amount of stress in my life and aren’t good for me. And I’ve tried to overcome it, but it just doesn’t seem to work and I’ve stopped beating myself up over it. It’s just a bad fit and me holding resentment every time I have to go isn’t good for me or the company. I’m trying to gather all my knowledge and achievements working here but imposter syndrome is hitting hard. It’s tough despite being here for 3 years I don’t feel like a valuable asset to the company. Part of that is having difficulty focusing or learning on anything beyond the scope of my responsibility and also this general fatigue that doesn’t leave me with enough energy to get through the day.


#268

So my headphones snapped about a week ago and were still under warranty. I got them back today and the company actually replaced the whole unit. Brand new headphones. Pretty sweet. This made me happy. I love music and I love making my music so this was just a small thing that brought me some joy today.


#269

Neurologist appointment went well. They referred me to a place that does psycho neurological evaluations. 3 to 4 hours of cognitive testing to see if there are any issues there. It’ll be good for me because it’s unbiased, just straight facts and tests designed to show things. Have to schedule that and see if insurance covers it, hopefully it does.

This will help me with two things. One is figuring out if my difficulties stem from an underlying condition that was never caught. Or two which would confirm that the real issue is depression and anxiety causing the issues and mimicking something else. I’m open to either one, really I just want some damn answers for myself because as I’ve gotten older life has gotten increasingly difficult for me. And I’m really afraid if I don’t get this under control I’m gonna be pulled through life without direction vs directing where I want to go.


#270

Fuck. I need a job I can do. One that won’t fill me with anxiety every day as I worry about my usefulness or skillset. I’m kinda tired of this shit. I was sitting in my car in traffic the other day watching cars go by this way and that. And I thought to myself. This is it huh? This is what life is for you right now. Pretty much surviving, you aren’t living. And not just the pandemic, this was prior to it. Fucking depressing. But you tell this to people and they say make a plan go back to college and find a job you like and that doesn’t seem to be the answer for me. More importantantly it’s such a 1 dimensional approach to everything.Get a job, buy a house, find a partner, have a family. That seems to be the priority. Maybe I’m just messed up right now but I don’t see myself having a family or being any sort of responsible person. I can barely take care of myself.

This is why I suspect there’s something else going on with me. The only way I get stuff done day to day in a job is to pretty much induce a stress response to get my adrenaline going so I can focus. If I relaxed and took it easy I wouldn’t do shit. I’d end up sitting there at my monitor looking at the pile of work I have to do.

On a positive note, sort of, I stayed up till 1 am last night making progress on a song. I seem to be most creative at night. Or rather when the day is done and I don’t have obligations I need to fulfill. Unfortunately that doesn’t work on the weekdays because I have to get up at 6. Still haven’t figured out how to reproduce that late night relaxation/clarity of mind.


#271

Why does it have to be so linear? You’re only limited by what you think you can achieve. If a grand plan isn’t set, you can look at the most immediate goal you want to reach. Maybe list them all out and force rank by categories (personal, career, music, etc) then list ways you might get a little closer to them elsewhere.

Small, digestible, shifts build into something profound if a Big Bang approach is too daunting.

Degrees are only limitations for roles/companies that still require them. Certifications can more than make up as equivalent in some fields.


#272

Chunk up from “Job” to “a source (or sources) of income” :smiley:


#273

Yeah it probably would do me some good to sit down with pen and paper and really think about all this. If I’m honest I’m so completely overwhelmed with everything I don’t even know how to start. So getting some idea vs the chaos that’s up in my brain now is better than nothing.


#274

Decided to move back up to 2 loops. One thing I have realized is there’s a lot of fear inside me and basing my exposure around that is a bad idea. I have to push past all this. On a conscious level I’ve done all I can do really. A lot of these fears resulted in negative projection of my future and myself. I can’t just stop being afraid of change, but what I can do is recognize when it’s holding me back and continue forward. In this case settling on one loop seemed to be me playing it safe and internally knowing that wouldn’t be enough to generate a lot of momentum to force me to face things I fear.

I’ve had an incredibly hard time gauging the amount of loops for myself due to this. It gets really hard to tell what’s burnout/overexposure vs a convenient excuse to move away from the very thing that will help me change.


#275

Working on making sure I’m not stressed when working on music. Noticed a lot of sessions my shoulders are tight and I have an agitated feeling. It’s like subconsciously I know how many times I’ve failed to complete stuff and it psyches me out. Ultimately I need to turn my creation process into a relaxed thing, not an endless grind where I have to force myself to finish.

With that I noticed how I need to push my boundaries more and start doing things differently. Mainly up my compositional skills and stop relying so much on copying and pasting and looping to fill out my tracks just for the sake of finishing. Bad habits galore, not enough big picture thinking and getting too hung up on little sections vs expanding on ideas. I was getting frustrated that my tracks kept ending up too repetitive and lacked movement, yet I also did nothing about it. Mostly because that’s been me my entire life, I’m more likely to stick to shit that doesn’t work and is familiar than do something different.

Great artists have a tendency to depress me more than inspire me a lot. Because I always realize how far off I am from making the stuff I actually want to make. But I feel like all I really have to do is break these bad habits and try something new and keep on moving forward with that. It’s just an initial hurdle I have to get over and show myself that making good music isn’t impossible for me.

It’s not the technical that trips me up and it’s not hard to recreate someone’s stuff. It’s the ability to create something from nothing. Generating ideas that work together and a song as a whole that carries in a fluid manner sort of like telling a story. I think I subconsciously know what to do, but I don’t trust in the process of it or fear/anxiety gets in the way.

This week’s inspiration for me. You can hear how harmony or melody wise it’s not the most complex thing. Lots of space, few notes. But it says something with those few notes and captures a raw feeling without being full of fluff. The ability to say a lot with a few things, simplicity definitely stands out to me as the mark of a great songwriter. Anybody can load up their tracks with stuff that draws your attention away from weak stuff, but when you’ve only got a few things going on they have to stand on their own. In a way it’s like being open to the world and not hiding behind anything. Lorn in particular is able to weave sound design and composition into one whole, this track absolutely would not be anywhere close to its same impact without the sonic quality of it.


#276

Figured out what causes me to be unable to finish music, maybe. Don’t want to get too far ahead of myself. But a recent track I’ve been working on has been promising.

As it turns out I just think too much about the music itself and worry too much about things like playing too many notes, leaving enough space, things sounding messy,etc. Just way too much of the analytical side while making the music. I realized over the weekend I need to trust the intuitive side more and get familiar with listening to my own urges and expressing them through all the techniques I’ve learned. Most importantly get over that fear of making something that sounds bad. Not just intellectualizing why I’m afraid of it, but actually doing it and understanding on an emotional level it’s not that bad

A common theme of my life where I spend too much time and energy trying to plan for the perfect outcome but never execute it


#277

Got this sick plugin to use for referencing different mediums in my DAW. It’s a speaker simulator and it actually changes the dynamics of the audio, not just eq. Basically I can reference how it will sound in a car, on phone speakers, on a tv, in crappy little consumer grade speakers, in various studio monitors,etc. One of the most disheartening things is thinking you’ve nailed a mix and then playing it somewhere else and it just falls apart. This lets me do a ton of testing right from my computer so I can work faster vs having to bounce it out and play it somewhere else.

Aside from that on the job front. Well I got an email the other day from HR that was sent company wide that health and safety is this companies top priority. Haven’t spoken to my boss yet about the tradeshow. But I saved that email from HR to my personal computer. I’m going to save the one I send out to my boss as well detailing my concerns. To me it’s hypocritical to put something like that in writing and then expecting me to travel on a plane, to another state with larger groups of people. I’m building up a paper trail in case things go south, maybe I can take legal action. A lot of people are now going back to working from home because covid rates are spiking yet again. Maybe they’ll change their mind about the tradeshow, but I have to bring it up again anyway.

Overall I just want to be nice to people. But some make that really fucking difficult. I don’t know if it’s intentional or misguided, but there’s some behavior I just don’t appreciate. I find myself in a situation where I really dislike the person’s actions, but I realize I’m only seeing one side of them. I don’t particular like writing off a person all together based on a few actions that violate my values. But I’m too trusting and too giving at times and people take advantage of that.


#278

My dad keeps telling me that I have this “open face”. The advantage of this is people open up to me real quick. The disadvantage is that people can take advantage of my generosity. Do you have any experiences like that?

Also, this is why I will be running Power Can Corrupt in a month (after I run 30 days of EmperorQ). I don’t want to remain clueless about people’s motivations anymore and also would like to leverage their psychology for mutual benefit instead of just losing in the process.


#279

Very much so. I’ve always felt I’ve had some kind of aura that causes people to put down whatever defensive shields they have up.

But like you said, I have people take advantage of me a lot. Mostly because I try to see beyond surface level behavior and understand them as a human being. It’s this combination of wanting to see the best in people and sometimes other people legitimately picking up on that and knowing they can use that in their favor, trying to appeal to my empathy. Obviously that’s on me if I get taken advantage of, but it’s been a common theme in my life.

But overall it gets tiring not valuing my own needs and trying to justify other’s shitty behavior. It’s always been a weight on my shoulders to uphold some morality code, especially in a world where it can be easily disregarded and short of murder you can get a way with a hell of a lot.


#280

@elementary_vision - yeah I understand that a lot since I have been dealing with it all my life. But enough is enough for me. I think you too could benefit from some PCC later down the line. It’s a compartively lighter title.


#281

Listen to PCC + Read 48 LoP at the same time to be fully synced up