Breaking Down the Walls


#282

It’s crossed my mind to try PCC. I think my biggest issue isn’t awareness though. I just have a lot of issues with standing up for myself. And probably some self worth stuff thrown in there because I stop valuing myself as much as I should.


#283

@SubliminalUser - yes, I will be doing that:


#284

Elixir Ultima and RegenerationQ did do a lot of emotional cleansing for me related to this. Although some issues still remain when I think about it. Hoping that the Rebirth module within EmperorQ will continue the healing. And that EmperorQ and PCC will help me be a high value man and be able to stand up for myself.

I think we creatives are shaped by our sensitivity and hence need some help like this to be more capable of dealing with others in an optimal manner.


#285

Going to try to be more consistent with Elixir Ultima moving forward. I think there’s a lot of shit I have to deal with still. No I KNOW there’s still a lot of shit because if there wasn’t I wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

I just don’t have any answers for myself. I keep moving forward because that’s all I can do. But I just have this feeling of not know what the fuck I’m actually doing. Everything is just so messed up and dysfunctional and I feel like a horrible person because of it. I think that’s the worst part for me, I still carry a lot of deep shame for how my life is. And it’s embarrassing and it makes me want to hide away from everyone and share nothing about myself with anyone.


#286

You could use a reset. Something to shake up the snow globe. Seems like you’re weighed down by trauma and pressure and the memories of disappointment or loss.

It’s like you’ve forgotten how much everybody is bullshitting out here. It’s not just you. Nobody knows what they’re doing. That’s why everyone talks so much. Narrative density and attentional stimulation block out and drown out the anxiety of not knowing.

On the bright side, we definitely do not need to know. Generally, beyond just surviving, we basically need to find something appropriate to live for and to find some ways to contribute. The rest is mostly BS. Several planet-sized mountains of it.

The problem here is the shame itself. It’s not your life. And it’s also very likely that the shame is self-justifying and self-replicating.

It’s almost like our feeling states are living beings and they don’t want to die; so they’re going to try to find some way, any way, to keep getting fed. Now that your shame has had a taste of living this beautiful life, it’s going to try to find ways to keep on living. If tomorrow you somehow decided that it was your shoes that make you a bad person, Shame would be like “…uhhh…(shoes?)…uhhh (okay)…yeah! yeah, sure! Exactly. That’s what I was trying to tell you the whole time! It’s because of your shoes! They make you horrible! That’s why you should keep feeding me!”

It doesn’t really care what you’re ashamed about. As long as it gets fed. Then once it gets a little stronger by being fed, it puts more of that ‘shame charge’ onto you, so you feel it even more strongly. This then makes it even easier for it to get fed some more. In our subjective worlds, feelings seem to function as evidence for themselves. (‘I feel this so strongly; so how can it not be legitimate?’)

I’m assuming here that you haven’t conducted any genocidal campaigns or spent your leisure time dreaming up new and innovative ways to spread suffering among the other life-forms here on planet Earth. If that’s the case then ignore the above points and have at it, because you should be ashamed. But it rather sounds like you are feeling shame for having had bad days and for having experienced self-doubt and discouragement. Do those really warrant shame in your opinion?


#287

I understand what you’re saying here. And yes self regenerating shame is something I’ve always battled with. Seems like I always find a way to feel like shit about myself, very rarely do I look at myself and appreciate who I am.

I guess that’s the thing though. I understand it on a conscious level, but there’s a serious disconnect with the subconscious. I feel it all the time, even when I’m engaged in happy moments. And I don’t know how to fix it. It’s just not as simple as telling myself I shouldn’t be ashamed or to just start feeling better about myself. It just feels like I lack the capacity to generate those feelings for myself. So I’m just stuck with shame and dealing with that. Idk maybe I need to find more people in my life to connect with. But I’ve always sucked at that too.

And I guess when I said I don’t know what the fuck Im doing it was less existential meaning and more survival based. People definitely bullshit a lot, but at the same time there’s some cohesion or structure to their lives. Something they live with that they’re content with. But for me I’m constantly worried I’m just one step away from running my life into the ground and ending up in a bad situation I can’t get out of. I feel like I’m behind and as hard as I try to catch up I just get metric tons of garbage dumped on me. It’s just incredibly demotivating trying all the time and making enough changes internally to feel a little better and then it just gets wiped out when I realize I’m still stuck in the same place mentally I was 10 years ago.

And the thing that really bothers me is it shifts day to day. So I’ll be fine doing something one day and then another I can’t. I can’t rely on myself because there’s no stability. I never know when a day is going to be a mess because I can’t get my brain to do the things I need to do. And that’s been my whole life.

I went on a rant, but I needed to get that out. I think more and more the shame is really just tied to these patterns in my life of difficulty and nobody ever being there in my life to help me through it. And mistakenly thinking that everyone else dealt with the same stuff and handled it better.


#288

I might have to just start keeping an offline journal. As much as I appreciate the insights I get here, they deviate from the subliminals a lot. I use this place as too much of a dumping ground. Might just reserve this thing for major changes moving forward/when things shift in a positive direction. Yeah gonna shop around for something nice for myself, I owe myself that much.


#289

definitely value your voice here.


#290

Yes. It’s one thing to deal with things on a conscious level. The subconscious is another matter entirely. Definitely did not mean to trivialize or simplify the underlying process. I was just speaking to the conscious part of it.

I definitely have my own entire range of unresolved circulating feelings and perceptions. And I don’t think that shifting, changing, or controlling them is always easy, or sometimes even possible.

Right now, I’m dealing with an impulse to disengage. This arises very commonly for me. It’s my go-to.

I also have doubts about what is possible, subterranean fears, perceptions of weakness, and the list goes on.

I hope that my ‘analysis’ of some words that you typed did not come across as an attempt to provide an easy solution.

There’s something like an animal nature. Maybe it responds to animal things?

When’s the last time you hugged someone or got really exhausted. These don’t ‘fix’ anything, but they can let off some pressure temporarily. You know those oxytocin and endorphin spurts.

I think what I was reacting to more was that your logic and your conscious and rational mind seemed to be exhausted and throwing in the towel and kind of just going along with what the other parts were pushing. I don’t know. Do you know what I mean?


#291

Not at all man. I know you mean well and it’s much appreciated. Getting at least one outside perspective to shift my thoughts is better than the onslaught of stuff that runs through my head daily.

It’s been a while. I really need to get back to exercising, but I’m just so exhausted already to be honest I think the barrier to entry for me is the prep for it and routines and all that. I was skateboarding for a bit, but that could go south pretty fast if I had a bad day or things weren’t working. Lately I’ve been thinking of just going back to shadowboxing. I need something with instant gratification at this point. I’d love to have a heavy bag, but I don’t have room for one.

Definitely understand. I feel like I have a reserve of how much of that conscious influence I can exert. Unfortunately 90% goes into just daily tasks and maintaining my ability to work at my job. Not even kidding when I say cleaning dishes is sometimes the hardest thing for me at times. It doesn’t leave much for my own mental health management. I feel like it’s gotten worse lately because now I have to shift priorities to finding a new job before I potentially get let go. And because I’m employed at will the possibility of me getting unemployment is low because it would basically be me refusing to perform my job.

I’ve got some savings, but situations like this worry me because getting a new job isn’t an easy task for me. A lot of barriers. Self doubt, fear, anxiety and nerves fucking up my interviews because my short term memory goes to shit and I come across as incompetent. It’s just a familiar pattern I’ve experienced in the past and feels like I’m just making excuses. But it can cause a lot of dysfunction in my life and it has.

Biggest thing I’ve been working on lately is creating lists for myself and being more organized with things I have to do in general. At the top of that list is finding a therapist because the first one I found wasn’t practicing in my state, despite how helpful she was. And she gave me a small boost of motivation and energy by giving me these leads with ADHD to follow. But I didn’t realize how many hoops I had to jump through to get a proper diagnosis and the biggest irony is those steps are the exact things people with ADHD struggle with.

So my head has largely been in a place of “You’re not trying hard enough. You’re making excuses. You need to take more responsibility. You’re just being negative and acting out through limiting beliefs, etc”.

I guess I have nowhere to share that but here if I’m honest so it looks really bad. But I’ve hid a lot of this over the years and it’s only recently I’ve stopped feeling so much shame about just expressing my own trouble in life. Taking a step back and asking myself “who’s standards are you trying to hit here? And how much are you hurting yourself by having the shame motivate you to ignore that stuff?”


#292

Well someone tested positive for Covid at my job. And I don’t want to be anywhere near that place right now given the fact most people don’t take it seriously. And who the hell knows if the self reporting and tracking is accurate enough. I don’t think it’s too absurd to just allow me to work from home for two weeks to see if anyone else is getting sick. Going to try to reason with them. If this doesn’t work, fuck em. Sick of not having my concerns heard. I don’t need this added stress in my life of worrying who’s going to wear their mask and who isn’t.


#293

:muscle:t5: On the contrary, the reverse is absurd.

From all that you’ve typed here in the past months, your personal judgment is significantly better than that of the management where you work. You’re routinely ahead of events and their responses to events by about 2-3 weeks if not more.

I agree. Don’t trust them to take care of you. You have to do it yourself.

Good on you for trying to reason with them.

(hmm… this reminds me of what I just read that you typed over on another thread about Emperor. But I think I’ll type my response there.)


#294

Thanks man, much appreciated hearing this from someone outside this company. I feel like I’m being gaslit there and it sucks.


#295

Had some doubts in that other thread about happiness. Decided to review my initial goals for my custom choice. Sometimes looking back helps me connect with the energy of what I initially started.

I want to get to a point where reality becomes so malleable for me, the old limitations don’t apply anymore. What was once impossible becomes easy. I have no real desire to climb a perceived social hierarchy or compete in the world. I want to be outside of that, if that makes any sense. But there is a balance here in my goals between spirituality and being in the material world. I believe I haven’t actually experienced enough of the riches of the material world for myself, not necessarily money. I had some troubles growing up like most people, but I feel like I missed out on a lot of life. So this is my way of reclaiming that lost time.

I’m going to trust myself on this one and not deviate from this path. I think there might be some limiting beliefs in the form of embarrassment or guilt for desiring what I myself would perceive as “superficial”. I gatekeep myself basically lol.

Still it upsets me that I haven’t hit a lot of the goals in my initial custom. Just really tired of that pattern in my life. Need something to break me through, but I don’t know what. Maybe an Ultima title. Rebirth or elixir or beyond limitless. Man I don’t know because I don’t even know why I’m held back. I can speculate but I often feel like a dog chasing its tail.


#296

I got permission to be able to work from home until things clear up. So relieved. I’m gonna be real here. This whole thing has been scary for me. I really do think people are dealing with covid their own ways. I’ve never been one to sweep things under the rug, so I haven’t been trying to “go back to normal” like some people. You really can’t know how this thing will effect you and on top of that its a goddamn political thing here in the US. If there was ever a reason for me to feel worn out it’s this. But now more than ever I have to look after myself.

Weirdest thing but I’m playing this video game Life Is Strange and I feel like it’s knocked some emotional stuff lose for me. I’ll take it though. Whatever gets me to dig deeper. I’m weird like that, I can have a movie, game, or tv show impact me a lot on an emotional level. Especially if it has to deal with strong relationship bonds. Maybe it’s because I can explore that vulnerability in a safe way. I often find myself closed off in day to day life and it makes me sad. I need to connect more with the people I love.

Going to really focus on ElixirU moving forward. I need to break this habit of isolating myself from people. My biggest fear is losing someone I love and being filled with regret for not connecting more.


#297

Perhaps you should consider why you find the china flu to be so scary.

You appear not to be over 70 years old and you also appear not to have any serious physical health problems, is this correct.

You should also consider that china flu is actually a medical thing so why do you think it’s not?


#298

For one it’s not a simple flu. There’s reports of asymptomatic individuals having heart health compromised in the long run. Individuals who recovered having permanently damaged lung tissue. Now there are reports of people’s cognitive ability getting completely fucked up. They suffer from debilitating brain fog, which isn’t exactly a medical term. But that means something happened to their brain because of this virus. What if you get a cold and then covid on top of that? Just because you don’t have preexisting medical conditions doesn’t mean your immune system can’t get hit twice and really mess you up.

The fact is not a lot is known about this thing. Why would you gamble with something like this if you had the choice not to? You’re pretty much playing russian roulette.

People keep saying “oh I won’t die because I’m young and healthy”. It’s bullshit, it happens. And even if you don’t die do you really want to see 10 years down the road being completely blindsided by a medical problem that ruins your quality of life?

I’m sorry I don’t mean to direct this at you, but it’s something that’s been irritating me. I’m not saying hide in fear in a dark corner. By all means continue living life but people need to be more fucking responsible. The whole herd immunity thing is incredibly stupid along with the “if it happens it happens, it’s not a big deal”. Because they violate the health and safety of other people by imposing their beliefs on everyone and not taking consideration for another human beings life.


#299

So have you considered why you find this so scary?

But you are saying for you hide in some dark corner because you are attempting to control what other people are doing and you are finding you can’t do that. So your only solution is for you to hide. Is it the not being in control that is scary?

After all other people aren’t imposing their beliefs on you yet it is you that are being abusive to them because they don’t follow your diktats. Perhaps you should be asking “why should they”.

ps, feel free to direct your answer to me because we are having a dialogue


#300

I mean it’s pretty much a threat to my health anything that’s a threat to my health is going to be scary.

And yes as much as I can be in control of taking care of myself it only takes one person deciding to be selfish to potentially cause harm. That’s scary, knowing you can do everything in your power and you’re still at the mercy of someone who only wants to think of themselves.

People are imposing their beliefs all the time though. When they downplay the severity of this virus, decide wearing a mask is “too uncomfortable”, criticize others for taking precautions, etc. That’s more abusive to me.


#301

Every time you leave your house is a threat to your health, you could get hit by a bus. How do you deal with that?

Every time you stay in your house is a threat to your health, your house might get hit by a bus or burn down when you are asleep. How do you deal with that?

Do you live in America? (I’ll assume you do). One of the candidate might do things you think are harmful to you, how do you deal with that?

Do other people face these problems?

Have you considered how do they deal with it?

Are people really being abusive to you?

Or are they merely getting on with their own lives as they have their own things to deal with?

But are you not being abusive to them, by wanting them to fit in with you?