Breaking Down the Walls


#81

Gonna buckle down and teach myself some stuff to get a better job. It’ll help me build up my confidence. But I’m also going keep a positive mindset about manifesting a perfect job for me vs always worrying about landing in a job that will use and abuse me. My self worth has definitely shifted, so I feel like I no longer attract that type of stuff into my life as much. This had crossed my mind before, but I threw it out because I felt like it was taking up valuable time I could be using to focus on my music. I didn’t like that I had to use my time vs getting that experience with my job, but it is what it is.

So weekdays after work are dedicated exclusively towards furthering my knowledge for career advancement. And weekends I’ll relax and engage in some music or in general take a break. If I feel like continuing on from the week I’ll do that too. But I’m avoiding cutting out the music completely because I have an urge to create still.

I don’t see myself staying in this career path. Eventually I’ll hop onto music full time. But in the meantime having more money, less stress from my job, and learning valuable skills is appealing to me. Just knowing I have that safety net where I no longer have to struggle in job interviews, take low paying jobs, or have constant imposter syndrome would be a relief for me.

I’m doing my best to follow my intuition. But I’m also worried it could be reconciliation with playing things safe. Right now I’m feeling a pull in a direction for Network Engineering. Going to follow that and see where it takes me. The funny thing is my first internship the more senior level guy was trying to set me up with that stuff and teach me. But I was so damn depressed and anxious and messed up, I couldn’t focus and I wrote it off as not for me.

And who knows maybe once I get a higher paying job that I actually enjoy I’ll realize I actually have a ton of time to make music. Maybe my perception of lack of time is really lack of energy. It’s not so black and white, either living off music completely or suffering in hell with a 9-5.

But make no mistake. My end is always in mind, how it manifests I’ll leave up to my subconscious however. And what I discovered today seems like the right steps despite not directly being related to my music.


#82

Altering my schedule for subs. I’ve realized it hits me much later than when I listen. There’s a very big lag for me. So I’m shifting to evenings when I don’t have to worry about it effecting my performance at work and I’m more relaxed. I figure it’s better I take it in when my mind feels settled vs the absolute chaos that erupts at my job sometimes. Might turn it into a mini meditation/visualization session while going to sleep as well.

I know for me looping a sub through the night is a no go. But I’m wondering if playing it while drifting off to sleep would be more beneficial for me vs during the day.


#83

Man so torn right now. I bought a course for studying for a certifcation. I’m starting it next week. It’s just a video series, 20 bucks off udemy so no pressure. But I told myself, “Ok, just start it and don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t say it’s impossible, too difficult, or too much to know. Just do it. And if it turns out you really don’t like it, pivot to something else. But at least try before you throw out the whole thing”. I don’t want to kill myself over this stuff. I don’t want it to consume me. I always get obsessed with being “the best”. I want to give myself permission to learn valuable skills and tools to provide me with security so I can focus on my real passion and internalize that it’s 100% ok to do that. In the tech field some people really are super passionate about it and that’s a problem because they can burn themselves out and companies start seeing that as the standard for EVERYONE.

I mean I saw on a subreddit I’m subscribed to a link of someone hiring a system admin and in the list of possible required job duties it was install and breakdown cubicles, spackle walls, re-paint walls, move furniture, etc. Basically facilities duties merged with IT responsibilities. I’d love to know if anyone else here has seen that kind of bullshit in their industry they work in. If I see a job application that says “wears multiple hats” I nope the fuck out of there. That’s basically code for “we want to pay one person to do the job of what should be 3”. I wish someone taught me all about this nonsense growing up. And I swear some people sniff this out. They find the guy that leans on being “useful” too much, being capable of a lot of things, and they throw tasks at him and they know they are feeding his ego at the expense of his own mental health. I have no idea if that’s written in the 48 laws of power, but I imagine it’s pretty common. But I’ve been that guy for a while and it utterly fucked me.

But anyway I’m torn because part of me just doesn’t feel like this is right. It’s like here’s point A and here’s point B. Take a direct route to point B. But here I am introducing point E that I think is necessary to get to B, but it’s not. I just think it is. But at the same time I don’t believe I can get to point B in a straight line right now. So it’s like being caught in a tug of war.

Rambling dialogue with myself below.

Ok, well I know network engineering isn’t your passion but what’s the alternative? You’ve had a year or two now to really commit to the music and it’s just nonstop self doubts and choked progress. On top of that your life is unfolding in a completely unpredictable way and you’re becoming a slave to it. For a good seven years prior to these subs you were in la la land and guess what? That also led to ending up in circumstances that you didn’t desire. You can’t drift and hope for the best. For two reasons. 1. You have no idea where you’re gonna end up, you’ll waste time, and the odds of you ending somewhere favorable are not high because you’ve done this in the past. 2. People will latch onto that and take advantage of you. A sense of directionless is a perfect way to siphon off your energy and redirect it to their own causes of no interest to your own. And realistically how many times have you said “this will change I just need to focus more, visualize more, believe more, etc.” Too many, that’s how many. And for 2 years now right?

You keep waiting for a breakthrough, one day when it clicks. But you’ve been doing that for 2 years. Is this even working for you? I’m not saying abandon your dreams, but at this rate can you honestly say this is the best route for you? If you strip away the optimism, hopefulness, feelings of self worth based on your growth as a person and look at things objectively. How much growth have you done that you’re satisfied with? Where’s your energy been going?

I’m all for optimism and hope, but you can’t cling desperately to it. That’s been your survival strategy in the past, but that’s old news. You need SOLID tangible life changes that show you that life doesn’t have to be scraping by, pain, and an endless grind. You need a feedback loop in your reality so these beliefs are self-regenerating, not wishful thinking.

End ramble

Side note I’m having a reaaaaaaaal tough time with people lately. I exist in a hierarchy at my job and people want to wave that over my head all the fucking time. I wanted to laugh it off at first, but I can’t do it lately. Internally I know that’s not my place in this world and when they treat me like that it makes my blood boil. Had a meeting with the new IT manager yesterday and we had 3 straight days of outages occurring in the morning. This guys new to our environment, so I’m cutting him some slack. But he went with the angle “yeah I got a lot of complaints these past 3 days about how people are frustrated and upset with IT performance”. I interjected after with confidence and as politely as I could because I was stressed from those 3 days. “Listen, these past 3 days have been an anomaly and it’s never been this bad. And if it does happen it’s VERY infrequent. Please don’t let this color your perception of how things operate here”. I just wasn’t having it because I am DONE with this company expecting me to perform to the level of senior IT guy when I get paid 19hr and I’ve had to skill build entirely on my own and I’m at best junior level. If this guy was hired as a way to whip me to work harder, I’m gonna push back on that shit. I’m understaffed, underpaid, and I’m done letting this company abuse me. And I sure as shit am not gonna be afraid just because someone has a title that’s “above” me.


#84

I upped myself to 4 loops last night because I just got really sick of how I react to everything in my life. Not gonna get into it again, but the reconciliation is hitting hard. But I need to change. I can’t keep doing things the way I’ve always done them. People just take advantage of me, I give too much, and I just live in fear of what they think.

One thing I’m finding really difficult with my custom is when to push more vs back off. I’m more inclined to push because I’ve backed off of things for most of my life and it just leads to me falling back into old behavior. I wish I had a way to solidly assess all this but the subjectivity of my own mind makes it damn near impossible.

But I am sick of going out in the world and feeling like I’m at the mercy of other people. As much as I tell myself I need to be stronger, it just feels like I haven’t got there yet and it’s causing me a lot of distress because I’m utterly sick of people. But I only have myself to blame if I let this people infringe on my own happiness and well being. So it’s important that I actually change so that no longer happens.


#85

I think 4 loops is too much. 3 might have been a bit much actually. I re-read my journal and it looks like as soon as I switched to 3 my mood started doing a nosedive. Going back to two loops. I was definitely on to something then, building momentum. I really crashed hard though a diverged from that. Guess it was hard accepting the fact that just 2 loops was so profound and I felt like I needed to keep pushing it.

I mean I was getting results, so it’s guaranteed I’ll get them on 2 loops. I guess there’s always a fear that I’m not doing enough. But saturating my head and causing intense reconciliation isn’t doing me any favors. And I think part of that is me thinking if I really hammer my head with this stuff I’ll force myself to change more. But it’s not like the sub can make me take action, so overwhelming myself in an attempt to force that isn’t a good idea.


#86

Have you tried running one loop in the morning, one in the midday and one in the afternoon as to take huge breaks in between listening? This is what works for me, I never overexpose by running two loops back to back. This was a thing before Q got released as the scripting back then wasn’t powerful enough to have overexposure after one loop. Now with Q being released I really feel they’ve found a sweet spot in terms of denseness and potency.


#87

Hmmm I’ll have to give that a shot. When I was running 3 loops I’d wait about an hour or more in between. I didn’t break it up quite that much. And the 4 loops were back to back so I probably overdid it.


#88

No wonder you’re feeling overexposure, lol damn. Never run loops back to back always take huge breaks in between listening, this will help you dramatically.

I always feel into myself after every each loop, how else would you know whether or not you’re having overexposure. The scripts needs to be processed in order to execute, imagine having to process so much that you’re instantly in a state of reconciliation.


#89

Lol. You know what’s funny is when I first started with 2 loops I did exactly like you were doing. Listening once then waiting until I felt ready. I went up to 3 loops and then I don’t know what happened. I just started sabotaging myself. I felt like it was better to listen back to back overnight. It’s like the exact opposite of what I should do based on past experience. This isn’t the first time I’ve overexposed myself thinking it would push me towards more growth. I’ve got a bad habit of doing this.

Thanks for the tip.


#90

Seems like an unconscious pre-conceived idea that pushing to the limits subliminal exposure is going to exalt into faster results, which it is not.

Try to let each loop process and see how it changes your state on all levels of your being, if you see that it is elevating your reality you can automatically increase this effect through the placebo. When you push your limits exposure is most likely to result in instant reconciliation. By doing this you expose yourself to an almost equal amount of suggestions compared to Terminus, only over a longer time-span.

Processing is everywhere in life, with subliminal’s to you have to process the scripts to restrain from ‘overdose’, same is with anything in life; imagine eating 5 meals in three hours straight compared to 5 meals spread throughout the entirety of the day.

Good luck.


#91

Interesting. I’m running three loops back to back and not having good results and no problems. I do alternate titles during that listening time though.


#92

Long breaks are important for procession as stated above, make sure to give it a try and acknowledge the differences.


#93

I was doing that earlier, and I really don’t notice a difference. I do seem to be able to process subs better than a lot of others though.


#94

Give it more then one bet, there’s no reason to pull a conclusion so early. Wash-out any subliminal’s and repeat from there, you’re still under the influence of your previous listening strategy. Honestly it’s up to you, unknowingly you’re already in reconciliation, hence why you’re ‘not having good’ results. I’m only giving advice, which may or may not be helpful solely dependent on you.


#95

Oops. I started to write one sentence, decided to write another and didn’t delete the not. I’m getting fantastic results. They might be a little better listening back to back, but both strategies seem to work for me.


#96

In that case an upgrade to Terminus would help you to decrease listening time while enhancing results as you’re very capable to run higher power levels. I wouldn’t bother with Terminus² anytime soon.

:slight_smile:


#97

That’s likely in the cards, though I’m going to stay at Q for three months or so for financial reasons. I do have the time to listen for now.
I think that part of it is that I’m trying to take the aspects of my life that Ascension covers from pretty good to awesome, not starting from a point where they were a major problem.


#98

I’m asking myself questions that I’ve asked many times before.

‘What constitutes a good life?’

‘If I could create my dream job, what would it look like?’

Tricky questions, sometimes. The whole thing is so protean.

I’m 47 now, and I think that the main accomplishment of my life to this point has been a spiritual breakthrough. Nothing that would impress anyone (thank goodness). But I know what it means for me.

Pain, pleasure, ego. They are now perceived (and sometimes even experienced) as parts of the picture, rather than as the frame of the picture. A very slight adjustment that makes a big difference.

It means that the standards for ascribing value and significance have fundamentally shifted. I still want to attain a comfortable life and to experience joy, meaning, happiness, etc., but it no longer feels like the meaning or value of my life depends on it.

The meaning and value of life are about something(s) that I haven’t quite seen clearly. I’ve sensed them the way you might briefly sense a whale that swims a little close under your boat.

So, my great accomplishment in life has been that, spiritually, I’ve moved from 3rd grade to about 4th grade. hahahaha. Hell, I’ll take what I can get.

Anyway, my previous concerns have been de-centered and recontextualized, at least in Cosmic/Cosmological terms. As far as everyday life, the tasks and projects remain pretty much exactly the same.

So, yes; asking those questions.

‘What constitutes a good life?’

‘If I could create my dream job, what would it look like?’


#99

You are married with kids.

That is an accomplishment too.


#100

Man I’ve lost track of the amount of times I thought I broke through spiritually. But it always came through from a place of ego. Nowadays I ask myself “what are you seeking to accomplish by adapting this world view?” I’ve come to realize my understanding is microscopic. I haven’t experienced enough of the world, people, events, life in general to understand spirituality. Uh what do they call that? Spiritual bypass, that’s been me for the longest time. Thinking I could just skip right over the human experience and not have to learn some lessons.

“What constitutes a good life?” Man if there ever was a heavily loaded question. I probably subconsciously ponder that every day. Still trying to figure that one out for myself. Whereas before the lack of answer to that question made me feel hopeless and depressed, I now feel it’s my duty to figure that out for myself. And really the only way I can do that is breaking free of these past limiting behaviors so I can explore more. Not only physically out in the world, but mentally as well as it pertains to possibilities and opportunities.