Man so torn right now. I bought a course for studying for a certifcation. I’m starting it next week. It’s just a video series, 20 bucks off udemy so no pressure. But I told myself, “Ok, just start it and don’t get ahead of yourself. Don’t say it’s impossible, too difficult, or too much to know. Just do it. And if it turns out you really don’t like it, pivot to something else. But at least try before you throw out the whole thing”. I don’t want to kill myself over this stuff. I don’t want it to consume me. I always get obsessed with being “the best”. I want to give myself permission to learn valuable skills and tools to provide me with security so I can focus on my real passion and internalize that it’s 100% ok to do that. In the tech field some people really are super passionate about it and that’s a problem because they can burn themselves out and companies start seeing that as the standard for EVERYONE.
I mean I saw on a subreddit I’m subscribed to a link of someone hiring a system admin and in the list of possible required job duties it was install and breakdown cubicles, spackle walls, re-paint walls, move furniture, etc. Basically facilities duties merged with IT responsibilities. I’d love to know if anyone else here has seen that kind of bullshit in their industry they work in. If I see a job application that says “wears multiple hats” I nope the fuck out of there. That’s basically code for “we want to pay one person to do the job of what should be 3”. I wish someone taught me all about this nonsense growing up. And I swear some people sniff this out. They find the guy that leans on being “useful” too much, being capable of a lot of things, and they throw tasks at him and they know they are feeding his ego at the expense of his own mental health. I have no idea if that’s written in the 48 laws of power, but I imagine it’s pretty common. But I’ve been that guy for a while and it utterly fucked me.
But anyway I’m torn because part of me just doesn’t feel like this is right. It’s like here’s point A and here’s point B. Take a direct route to point B. But here I am introducing point E that I think is necessary to get to B, but it’s not. I just think it is. But at the same time I don’t believe I can get to point B in a straight line right now. So it’s like being caught in a tug of war.
Rambling dialogue with myself below.
Ok, well I know network engineering isn’t your passion but what’s the alternative? You’ve had a year or two now to really commit to the music and it’s just nonstop self doubts and choked progress. On top of that your life is unfolding in a completely unpredictable way and you’re becoming a slave to it. For a good seven years prior to these subs you were in la la land and guess what? That also led to ending up in circumstances that you didn’t desire. You can’t drift and hope for the best. For two reasons. 1. You have no idea where you’re gonna end up, you’ll waste time, and the odds of you ending somewhere favorable are not high because you’ve done this in the past. 2. People will latch onto that and take advantage of you. A sense of directionless is a perfect way to siphon off your energy and redirect it to their own causes of no interest to your own. And realistically how many times have you said “this will change I just need to focus more, visualize more, believe more, etc.” Too many, that’s how many. And for 2 years now right?
You keep waiting for a breakthrough, one day when it clicks. But you’ve been doing that for 2 years. Is this even working for you? I’m not saying abandon your dreams, but at this rate can you honestly say this is the best route for you? If you strip away the optimism, hopefulness, feelings of self worth based on your growth as a person and look at things objectively. How much growth have you done that you’re satisfied with? Where’s your energy been going?
I’m all for optimism and hope, but you can’t cling desperately to it. That’s been your survival strategy in the past, but that’s old news. You need SOLID tangible life changes that show you that life doesn’t have to be scraping by, pain, and an endless grind. You need a feedback loop in your reality so these beliefs are self-regenerating, not wishful thinking.
Side note I’m having a reaaaaaaaal tough time with people lately. I exist in a hierarchy at my job and people want to wave that over my head all the fucking time. I wanted to laugh it off at first, but I can’t do it lately. Internally I know that’s not my place in this world and when they treat me like that it makes my blood boil. Had a meeting with the new IT manager yesterday and we had 3 straight days of outages occurring in the morning. This guys new to our environment, so I’m cutting him some slack. But he went with the angle “yeah I got a lot of complaints these past 3 days about how people are frustrated and upset with IT performance”. I interjected after with confidence and as politely as I could because I was stressed from those 3 days. “Listen, these past 3 days have been an anomaly and it’s never been this bad. And if it does happen it’s VERY infrequent. Please don’t let this color your perception of how things operate here”. I just wasn’t having it because I am DONE with this company expecting me to perform to the level of senior IT guy when I get paid 19hr and I’ve had to skill build entirely on my own and I’m at best junior level. If this guy was hired as a way to whip me to work harder, I’m gonna push back on that shit. I’m understaffed, underpaid, and I’m done letting this company abuse me. And I sure as shit am not gonna be afraid just because someone has a title that’s “above” me.