Having some thoughts lately. Like the universe, all that exists in the world. Here I am trying to apply my limiting understanding of my perception of the world into the entirety of everything. When really it’s just another force of nature, I’m meant to learn lessons from it. Not impose what I think it is onto it.
I think this is definitely rebirth ultima. But I legitimately don’t know anything when it comes to life. I’ve been sending myself through the same belief structure for years now and trying to find the answers within that frame. Like some kind of messed up flow chart, but all arrows point back to unhappiness because I never changed the fundamental thing actually causing me the unhappiness.
There’s always been that nagging thought in the back of my head “this is how you have to live life”. Doesn’t fulfill you? Make you happy? Don’t like it? Well you just have to compromise. And so I did and continue to do so. And I keep telling myself once I hit some goal it’ll be different. But I went from severely depressed, to moderately depressed holding down a part time job and being more social, to getting a full time job and opening up with people more. And now the next thing on my list is a job that pays more and treats me well. Every step of this in my life was the expectation that the more I got my life on track, the better I would feel. But it never happened. It always felt wrong and I feel like if I keep going down this path it’ll never feel right. Because like I said I’m operating from within a framework that was constructed without my best interests in mind. So really, why the hell would I continue on with it?
But there lies the problem. I don’t have an alternative. And in the absence of a plan or future vision, my mind wants to seek some form of safety or familiarity. So it just goes right back to the same old shit. Oh sure planning things out from that paradigm feels good at first, but the deeper I dig I realized it’s wrong. And you can only ignore that for so long before it catches up to you. And the validation you might get from others around you can feel intoxicating when they decide to support your path and see that you have a focus instead of meandering through life.
I don’t really know anymore. But I’m going to welcome that confusion and uncertainty vs trying to patch it up with the same tired old stuff that made me feel incomplete. Those things can’t possibly be the answer so maybe that’s why it never worked for me.