Breaking Down the Walls


#121

Having some thoughts lately. Like the universe, all that exists in the world. Here I am trying to apply my limiting understanding of my perception of the world into the entirety of everything. When really it’s just another force of nature, I’m meant to learn lessons from it. Not impose what I think it is onto it.

I think this is definitely rebirth ultima. But I legitimately don’t know anything when it comes to life. I’ve been sending myself through the same belief structure for years now and trying to find the answers within that frame. Like some kind of messed up flow chart, but all arrows point back to unhappiness because I never changed the fundamental thing actually causing me the unhappiness.

There’s always been that nagging thought in the back of my head “this is how you have to live life”. Doesn’t fulfill you? Make you happy? Don’t like it? Well you just have to compromise. And so I did and continue to do so. And I keep telling myself once I hit some goal it’ll be different. But I went from severely depressed, to moderately depressed holding down a part time job and being more social, to getting a full time job and opening up with people more. And now the next thing on my list is a job that pays more and treats me well. Every step of this in my life was the expectation that the more I got my life on track, the better I would feel. But it never happened. It always felt wrong and I feel like if I keep going down this path it’ll never feel right. Because like I said I’m operating from within a framework that was constructed without my best interests in mind. So really, why the hell would I continue on with it?

But there lies the problem. I don’t have an alternative. And in the absence of a plan or future vision, my mind wants to seek some form of safety or familiarity. So it just goes right back to the same old shit. Oh sure planning things out from that paradigm feels good at first, but the deeper I dig I realized it’s wrong. And you can only ignore that for so long before it catches up to you. And the validation you might get from others around you can feel intoxicating when they decide to support your path and see that you have a focus instead of meandering through life.

I don’t really know anymore. But I’m going to welcome that confusion and uncertainty vs trying to patch it up with the same tired old stuff that made me feel incomplete. Those things can’t possibly be the answer so maybe that’s why it never worked for me.


#122

Decided I’m running Rebirth Ultima and my custom q only for now. As much as I want to run Beyond Limitless Ultima, priorities must be in place. I initially wanted to run Beyond Limitless Ultima to help me study for this exam I was planning on taking. But after thinking about it a while I realized the real problem runs deeper and it’s better to hit that than another bandaid solution where a year or two down the line I’m staring at the same situation but in a different context.

I’m still giving it an honest shot, learning the networking. It’s a lot and it’s intimidating and to be honest I’m afraid my lack of overall interest is going to cripple my ability to be good at it. That’s always been a really weak point for me, if something doesn’t interest me in the slightest I find it almost impossible to learn.

Initially I was setting aside weekdays for studying and learning the material and weekends for music only. I found out it’s too rigid and I was getting massively depressed because I had nothing to look forward to at the end of my work day. I was driving myself nuts working on computers all day and then coming home and doing more shit with computers. I needed something to break it up otherwise I’d go crazy. And I thought about the time sacrifice for it and how I’d never get those hours back. And I thought to myself, is the end goal really something that you want that much that you’d be willing to trade that time away from your music? And the answer was no.

I guess if I’m honest I’m still fighting those nagging thoughts, maybe opinions others hold that music should always come second. If music comes first it’s a waste of time or I’m squandering time and I could have been doing something more “productive”.


#123

Having trouble focusing at work. It’s like I just have no drive or energy to go above what needs to be done. I think I’m just facing burnout tbh. But it’s a viscious cycle because the more I have trouble focusing, the harder tasks become if they’re complicated. Causes more stress because I can’t think straight, which causes more burnout.

I’m actually angry today. A lot. Having multiple fuck all this shit moods. But maybe that’s what I need to prioritize my own well being. This job is like a damn leech. I pull it off for a week or two and then it slowly creeps back in and starts taking my energy. I don’t know why I feel so responsible for everything. I shouldn’t be letting this job stress me out, but it does.


#124

Anger came up even more. Felt like chucking my laptop across the room while working today. But I realized something. I’m pissed at myself. I’m pissed I keep putting myself into these situations where I’m taken advantage of and treated like crap. And I don’t stand up for myself. I never have.

And I’m pissed when it comes to employment I feel desperate and will settle for stuff I don’t deserve to have to deal with. And I’m pissed at what employers get away with nowadays as far as what they demand from people for little pay.

Do I have to be an asshole? Is this what’s gonna let me live a good life for myself? I’m seriously thinking to myself, there’s absolutely no advantage to the way I’m going about things now. There’s too many people that want to fuck you over and put on a good act of being friendly. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of wasting my time trying to see through it and see the good. I’m done. They don’t deserve it. They don’t deserve my respect or kindness, they can all go fuck themselves.


#125

I’m definitely hitting a really raw emotional point right now. I’m seeing how whatever emotional wounds I carry that were never addressed subtly influence my life. I find myself in the same situations replaying the same life narrative. I can’t explain the pain I feel, the reasons for it, and maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong. Thinking I needed to have a good reason to feel a certain way and if I didn’t the emotion wasn’t valid.


#126

So, you’re back to your custom now, which is built around Stark and Ultimate Artist, with a whole bunch of Healing and Manifestation modules, is that right?

(I looked back at post # 1. I think that’s the subliminal you’re working with now. After a few weeks off to do the Ultima tests?). So, how long is this cumulatively of working with the Custom?

I’m asking all of these because I’m interested in tracking the process of the objective time with subliminal in relation to your subjective experience and thoughts. (You’re one of the people who gives a lot of rich subjective content.). It seems pretty clear that you’re going through a major growth process. New elements keep coming into your thinking. Seems like the Healing modules are working powerfully.

I’ve also seemed to notice a general depressing effect for myself and other people that I associate with the ‘working phase’ of change. I don’t mean clinical depression or something. It’s like when a room gets quiet about 25 minutes into an exam and you can almost hear people concentrating.


#127

Yup. I never took an extended break from the custom so it’s been running since day 1 when I got it. The ultima subs I still listen to my custom too, maybe cut it back to 1 or 2 loops a day depending on how I feel. So I’ve been fairly consistent with it.

I try to be as honest as I can in my journals. They’re not always pleasant to look at. But it’s been like exposure therapy for me as well. Even though it’s pretty much anonymous, this is the closest I get to sharing my innermost thoughts with anyone. It can get chaotic very fast. I think the nature of how rapidly the custom sub can shift ideas, there’s a lot of bouncing around. What was true one day for me, turns out to be untrue the next. It does feel like instead of building on a foundation someone came in and smashed everything to pieces and my mind is scrambling to rebuild. A lot of safety mechanisms and old behaviors that served as protection that were reluctant to let go. Rebirth Ultima definitely kicked it into overdrive.

Yes I’ve always been very internally focused. But with the custom sub it’s maximized even more. When your really go deep inside yourself and start becoming aware of things. And personally it made me realize how truly detached from myself I was. Or even some parts I unconsciously suppressed so I could keep going.

And reading the Blue Skies description. This is definitely relevant to what’s been going on for me. There’s a lot hidden from my own mind.

Blue Skies is a profound module allowing the user to glimpse the hidden depths of reality, the secrets about himself he might have been hiding


#128

So this is a bit over a month.

Clearer, less repressed acknowledgment of anger

Increasing thoughts of finding something better

Seemingly natural controls on pure rumination and an increased orientation to action taking

Interesting


#129

Didn’t even mention the extensive internal processing because that’s way to complicated for me to describe and you’re already describing it.

Quite a freaking journey.


#130

Oh yeah without a doubt. The internal processing is on a whole different level these days


#131

I’ve got my Emotional and Inner Healing stack (I call it Elesce) slated for next year, by which time I’ll hopefully be well on my way to deeply internalizing my current stack.

Been sort of casually mulling over what complementary actions I may take to support that process. Enough time between now and then to have some ideas about it.

Also,

Hadn’t noticed that before. That sounds dope.

Anyway, I like how you’ve just planted your flag and decided to take on the Emotional Healing project right here and right now. I guess your future self will be thanking you for having had that foresight.


#132

Yeah I’ve been following your journal, inspiring stuff. You’ve definitely got a well defined plan laid out. Very interested to see how that influences you. How it differs from the route I’m taking.

And I mostly decided to tackle everything at once here because past lessons have shown me my mind WILL find loopholes to avoid action by focusing on healing too much. I’ve done it far too many times in the past. And also I just had so many years of my life robbed from me, so I decided even if I’m not 100% ok or where I want to be emotionally at the very least I deserve a better life. There used to always be this underlying motivation to be “better”, but better just for the sake of better was an unrealistic standard that completely missed the point of enjoying my life.


#133

Well one good thing happened today. I met up with my boss because I needed to inform him of what’s going on with myself. I just told him I was burned out. That I was getting by, but just barely. And it was good because he told me that realistically I work too damn hard and it’s not right. He basically affirmed everything I was thinking so I wasn’t imagining things or being unreasonable. He told me to work at my own pace and do what I can do. I talked to him about studying for certs and he said he brought it up to the new IT director. There might be a possibility of the company paying for a course to further my knowledge which would be cool. And on top of all that he basically told me it’s 100% fine if I’m looking for something else as far as jobs go. He even said he’s surprised I’ve stayed with the company this long as he only expected me for a year or two max due to the high turnover with a position like this. It’s tough for him because even though he’s my boss he doesn’t have a lot of leverage in this company. That’s unfortunately what happens when you work for a CEO that doesn’t want to take care of the employees and just wants to use them up and throw them out.

It just gave me a lot to reflect on. I realized a “fuck everyone” defense won’t get me very far in life because I’ll be too afraid to trust people. And there are good people. I need to learn how to stand up for myself. I think when faced with a lot of uncertainty it’s easier to default to a singular way of being to solve it. But life is complex and nuanced and an overly rigid state like that will only cause trouble.

Still a lot I have to understand about myself. But I feel like I’m getting there.


#134

Will you look for something new? If the company will pay for the certifications take advantage of that so long as there aren’t the same strings attached coursework has (stay for x number of months after or repay)

One thing to consider is, unless you’re working for yourself, if you take all the time away from you, you don’t recover that deficit. No amount of kudos will replace that. You can structure your schedule including blocks of time for self development and rest while completing what you need to.

Sure, sometimes you might work off hours. If you need a break take one because it benefits the quality of your work and your well being.


#135

Oh yeah, I’m absolutely gonna leave this company. I haven’t stayed from loyalty lol. Management is a disaster, so much pettiness and posturing on a hierarchy. It hurts working here. I used to have time to brush up on skills and learning but I lost that at some point. I’m just too busy and overworked. I’m gonna make sure there are no strings attached to the certs definitely, I absolutely do not want to be tethered to this company. Nobody considers the workload that gets dumped on my department and I’m seen as an expense vs a revenue generating area of the business. If I’m not doing anything “IT does nothing” if something’s broken and I have to figure out what went wrong “IT does nothing”.

It’s a bit of a cosmic joke at this point. I naturally ended up in a field of work with high levels of burnout and getting treated poorly. This job has been like an abusive relationship I wouldn’t leave. I’m slowly growing out of it but it looks like it took almost 3 years and a custom subliminal to do it.

And trust me, time is something I value much much more than money. Always has been. That’s been an eternal struggle for me especially because what I really want to dedicate time to is music, not an office job.


#136

Listened to some older tracks of mine I never put out today. I’ve got a ton of stuff sitting on my computer. I’m gonna go through lost projects, polish them up, then post them on my SoundCloud. Some of them had me thinking to myself “ok there’s definitely something here, what you’ve been fighting to get to has already been here the whole time”. I just let all the doubts get in the way and all the thoughts that whatever I’m doing isnt enough vs appreciating what it is. My technical skills increased on this grind but somewhere along the way I lost that identity in my music. Maybe I got overwhelmed with how amazing other artists were and I didn’t feel like I had the ability to do that.

Doubt in anything will kill it. Because doubt is an endless spiral, it has no end point. And doubts are usually just fear, which unchecked grow into something much more paralyzing.


#137

Definitely related to the fear of rejection thing and my overall reluctance to show myself to the world. Just thinking, oh no it’s not perfect I can’t show anything or myself or do anything. I’m really starting to realize you can’t wait until everything is together to put yourself out there because life is just one big journey of growth. It takes time and holding off until it’s all neatly in place will actually make that journey harder than it needs to be.


#138

I had 2 days off from the sub and during that time I just felt so alone. I’ve always felt alone, even when around people. It’s always been painful for me. I’ve learned to work around it, but it’s not enough anymore. I’m missing a large chunk of my life and what it means to be human.

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to be better. But I never really stopped to affirm to myself that I’m still deserving of love despite these flaws I have. That’s a message that’s been hard to get across to myself. Instead I constantly find myself building up protection in the form of taking on new identities that hide me more than allow me to just be me.

I think I had certain expectations for how change on subliminals work. I was trying to erase or override a part of me I didn’t like. And of course it didn’t work because that’s not how the mind works. I’d get annoyed with reconciliation vs realizing it was pointing to a part of me that needed to learn or needed to be heard. It’s weird but I think self growth can definitely come from a bad angle of self hatred. It seems like improvement, but you’re really just burrying yourself.

Anyway I’m listening to rebirth ultima today and going to see what else comes up. For years now I just thought life was difficult because that’s how life is. But I’m seeing it’s not the external world I struggle with. It’s my relationship with myself and how I interact in that world.

I write a lot of posts here. Sometimes I hit on common themes I’ve gone over in the past. And I think that’s because it’s been like a wave. A realization or awareness and then a hiding. And it’s back and forth because the nature of my issues have always been about hiding or avoiding. With that comes a lot of defense mechanisms that sort of act like selective amnesia where I forget so I can stay safe. The key has always been to work enough to strengthen myself without triggering myself into avoidant mode. I honestly don’t think I have or had as much control as I liked to think. There is always a part of me that has my safety in mind but the way it operates is based on old patterns.

What’s really weird about all this was I just finished up a show I’ve been watching and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Like you ever watch a movie or listen to a song or something and it almost feels like it was there at that moment to nudge you towards something? Just a really bizarre experience that shook me up and got me thinking about things in a different way. Like a whole perspective shift.


#139

Making a commitment today to find a therapist to work with. Even if they’re just online. I’ve put that off for a while. I’ve always knew I needed some help, but due to my difficulties opening up and being emotionally honest I’ve always found an excuse to put it aside.

I’m not gonna lie, last night was a wake up call for me. I’ve been on this routine waiting to “break through”. But it’s been like that for years now. I just keep going. But last night I told myself I can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend that things are fine. And even though I love the people in my life that are close to me, I’ve never been able to open up to them either. It’s just too much and the potential for rejection is too high.

I guess if I had a confession to make here. For years I just wanted to do this all on my own. I had this perception that everyone around me was dealing with the same stuff and just handled it better and I was just weak.

Maybe this is my subconscious way of finding a path to help me grow. Maybe I can’t do it on my own and that’s ok.


#140

I Am, Blue Skies and Attachment Destroyer in combination really did that job for me. In only three days and can feel it peeling uncertainties away, these three are a killer combo, and they might solve your issue here.

Honestly, there’s no better module then Spiritual Freedom to solve this issue. You might want to supplement yourself with it, perhaps you should get another ‘booster’ Custom with these added programs, anyhow I’m not pushing you to do anything. I dislike seeing people like this, and I’m always trying to uplift them in anyway I can.