Breaking Down the Walls


#141

Hey, we’re all beautiful, imperfect creations. We have the capacity to learn and grow and change till our last breath. It’s ok to feel alone and then work towards belonging and acceptance of self.

It’s ok to need help. It took a panic attack late (too late) night at work to convince me that I wasn’t just going to get over some traumatic things on my own. Realizing it’s not a sign of weakness to seek help is so freeing. It’s self care (even if that’s over used nowadays).


#142

Thanks I appreciate it. I’ll think about it. I do have blue skies in my custom and I’ve felt the effects of that. I’m just trying to avoid taking on too much. I’ve been ambitious in the past but I wasn’t ready. Most of all I feel like this is something I should have done years ago.

Thanks. Self care has always been something I’ve struggled with, so this is a step in the right direction for me. Appreciate you taking the time to share that.


#143

Been scaling back the exposure with my subs. Just taking it easy. There was definitely a sensation of desperation when I kept pushing beyond my means. I listen to at least one loop and if I feel I can handle more I go from there. But the first sign of me feeling more overwhelmed I hold off. I really just have to work within my ability, insecurities definitely pushed me more to take on stuff I wasn’t really ready for.

The way I see it it’s like skill building. It sucks being completely new to something and having to learn the foundations and feeling like everyone is so much further ahead of you. But you don’t get anywhere by trying to skip ahead. So I have to be ok with going at my own pace that works for me. Challenge myself but without making it completely overwhelming.


#144

So I had a phone session with a therapist yesterday and it was a lot to take in. Basically she suspects I have undiagnosed ADD. The signs have always been there for me, but I chalked it up to lacking discipline or focus. She said my best option was non-stimulant medication. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled with the idea. But hell if I’m 29 now and I’m still battling with this almost intangible thing that’s held me back I might as well try them.

You might be thinking. How could she possibly diagnose you in one session? Well it’s because I’m incredibly articulate and self aware. I don’t say that to brag, but when you hand that over to a therapist you’ve made their job a hell of a lot easier. There’s no digging or trying to get their client to see stuff that’s hidden. She basically saw what I couldn’t and guided me. And honestly I had a feeling, but I guess getting outside confirmation from someone else takes the weight off your shoulders.

So yeah. I’m still processing that one. Part of me feels like it’s “cheating” to go on meds, which is dumb. But she explained to me that it’s incredibly common to feel that way because your whole life has been about trying to keep up when you’ve got a serious disability that effects how you interact with the world.


#145

Surprised how ok I’ve been on 1 loop of my custom. Like it doesn’t feel necessary to go any higher for me. I was experimenting with how long I felt the effects of it throughout the day if I started it early like at 9am. It seems to gradually fade out around 6 or 7pm. So I’m just sticking to this for now until I feel ready for more.

Though I have to say, reading up on ADHD and the structure of the brain, emotional regulation, etc. did make realize how I have to be more aware of how much I expose myself to the subs. Because it’s very easy for me to slip into overwhelmed mode and then nothing gets done.


#146

Decided the other day I need to focus on myself more. Really take care of myself. I’ve been so caught up in trying to catch up in the world, I didn’t see the things I needed help with.

For most of my life I’ve always felt like I never tried hard enough. That I was lazy and I needed to be terrible to myself to get anything done. It never really occured to me that I was trying my hardest and I pretty much was capped out due to an underlying physical problem.

There’s been a lot I’ve been processing this past week. I’m still working on getting on medication. I can’t tell you how much relief I’ve been feeling these past few days having some kind of explanation for all the difficulties I’ve run across in my life. And reading from others experiences quoting almost word for word what I’ve dealt with and hearing they are much happier now.

I’m just kinda upset nobody ever caught this when I was growing up. But I’m thankful for coming to the realization at 29 vs having most of my life pass me by and learning about it.


#147

Decided to go back to listening to beyond Limitless Ultima as well. I think it will pair well with Rebirth Ultima. Right now I’m at point of growth where I’m learning to be a hell of a lot more compassionate to myself and understanding.

I found myself getting depressed today. I realized it’s because I still struggle a lot in life. Just keeping up with day to day things without exerting a lot of effort. Instead of criticizing myself for not trying hard enough I told myself I can work on it and get better. But that doesn’t mean I’m a failure or incompetent.

Best way to describe how I feel. My life feels utterly chaotic. No matter how structured I tried to make it or work on things, it just always felt like too much. In that chaos I can focus on one or two things, but it always feels like there is a tornado swirling stuff around my head. I can get tasks done, I can cope, but there’s definitely an unrelenting anxiety of feeling like everything could fall apart at any minute if I slip up. All that basically 24/7 it’s no wonder I feel exhausted.


#148

Finally finished a track I’ve been working on. Maybe. I’ve burned myself out on it at this point. I think I took it as far as it could go and I just have to move on to something else now. There’s definitely a cutoff point I have to learn and understand when to let go vs driving myself into the ground chasing every little detail. A kick drum that’s poking out a little too much doesn’t destroy the music, but I guess in my head it does. I just really need to stop that. In the past I thought this was a benefit, but it’s definitely not. I need to learn to let stuff go.

As with most of my tracks the initial spark with this one was strong and then it gradually died down as I started drowning in my own self doubts and negative feelings. It got to a point where just listening to it made me feel stressed. But you know I realized how toxic my thought processes are with regards to music sometimes. And sometimes it’s an obsession I can’t control, but not in a good way. I’ll chase things at the expense of my own mental health. Like I know I should rest or pull myself away from it, but I can’t. And even if I do, I still end up thinking about it endlessly. I think it might be related to ADHD. But I’ll only know for certain once I get on the medication. It’ll be interesting to see how it influences my song writing. I’ve had this long before I started the subs here, so I don’t think it’s any of the productivity related scripting.

Anyway here it is. I just felt like posting it here because I feel like I did improve in some way with the help of the custom and I told myself I need to work on getting my stuff out more. So if anyone wants to leave feedback or comments on it feel free. And be as brutally honest as you want. If it’s boring, lacks energy, bad structure, just isn’t particularly interesting etc. Like I said this track lost its spark to me, so my perspective on it is incredibly skewed right now.


#149

I’ll be honest I don’t think I can handle Ultima at this point in my life. Something about it just triggers really bad overwhelming anxiety for me. Which I’m past the “push through at all costs” mentality. I had a lot of trouble at work today. Felt like my head was on fire. I listened to beyond Limitless Ultima around 1pm yesterday.

I like the concept and how powerful it can be. But I’m just trying to really take care of myself at this point and be extra mindful of what I can and can’t handle.


#150

Just spent the last hour meticulous getting my levels right on another track I’m working on. To the point where it was stressing me. Then I just said fuck it and stopped analyzing the dynamics of each and every sound so intently and just went by feel. And I ended up getting everything how I wanted it in about 5 minutes.

Brain why do you do this to me!? Is it lack of trust in myself? Some weird sick obsession or compulsion? In any case I need to get better at doing things faster vs agonizing over tiny details that have the illusion of being important. I think details are important but so often I lose sight of what’s truly important.


#151

Been off my custom for three days now. Honestly just gonna go by feel and listen again when I feel ready.

I’ve stopped journaling as much here. I realized how much I’ve been chasing my tail and obsessing over growth but not really touching upon what I really needed to grow in. It was this growth that was predominantly fueled by insecurity. Ironically I didn’t take into consideration much of my own well being and how this growth would relate to my own happiness. At the end of the day that’s infinitely more important than reaching some arbitrary goals.


#152

Ehhh. Probably reconciliation. I woke up today feeling like I can get back on the custom Q and work with myself more. The whole ADHD thing really threw me for a loop. I’m trying to take care of myself more.

It’s a combination of not knowing how far I can go with subs to overcome my issues vs needing medical intervention. Also the whole “maybe there’s really nothing wrong here and unfortunately you’re forced to conform to a societal standard that doesn’t work for you”. But if that were the case I wouldn’t be having issues doing stuff I enjoy as well.

It’s just been difficult lately. I feel like I’ve done all the heavy lifting as far as awareness and restructuring beliefs, but there’s an invisible wall that gets in the way all the time. And daily living can just get so exhausting for me in general, I have trouble keeping up with anything more than the bare essentials.

Also just feels like an excuse. Like I don’t really have an issue. I’m just a lazy disorganized person who can’t get their shit together. That’s been a recurring theme in my life.


#153

Went through some old music projects from 2015 seeing if there were any diamonds in the rough so to speak. Found a few. Going to go through my 2018 folder today. I started cleaning one project up. It was a confidence boost to be able to listen and know exactly what to do to improve it vs guessing. I didn’t really realize how much competence I’ve gained in that respect so I’m glad I got a glimpse of that. I also realized how much work I’ve put into this and I’ve improved from those beginnings.

Still looking to make videos of me with the live production process/tutorials somewhere down the road once I’ve got a solid handle on a workflow and reeled in my own neurotic tendencies when it comes to music. Pushing a kick drum up and down for an hour trying to find the right spot is definitely bordering on an unhealthy obsession or doubt. The fact is I’ve done 11 different mixes in a session, come back to them a day later and realized the level tweaks I made were barely perceptible. I get so tunnel visioned I definitely lose perspective and start making changes that I think make a greater impact than they actually do. Which actually contributes to more stress because I’m too critical of stuff that barely makes a difference.


#154

So I was going through past posts on this journal and my most insanely productive and organized moments were when I was drinking a single cup of coffee a day. Now I don’t know what coffee is like for most people but it calms my mind. Best way to describe it is bringing order to chaos. I feel more “clear” is that makes any sense. Thoughts are put together more easily, ideas flow better, and there’s less emotional overwhelm at things.

Unfortunately I crash hard, and the resulting depression hits heavy. What goes up must come down and the rebound effect is not ideal for me. Having said that, this really just seems to be further proof of ADHD. I pretty much function better on caffeine in every way possible.

I had some today because I’m working from home and once I crash I don’t have a 40 minute commute back home. But it got me wondering how much of the subliminal suggestions I’m not integrating because my brain can’t organize them into actionable steps.

I’m gonna assume most of the subs have been tested on neurotypical folks. Obviously these aren’t designed to “fix” people medically and I’d never assume that. But it would be interesting to see the difference in receptivity among the neurodivergent vs neurotypical crowd of people.


#155

Mood right now would probably be best described as “I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing anymore”.

Don’t know if 1 loop is enough or I should double up again. Don’t know if I can tolerate Ultima. Don’t even know how in hell I’m gonna do anything in my life that will make me happy.

How do most people see the world? Full of possibilities and experiences? I just see it as this thing where bad things happen, people struggle and experience pain, and there’s no rhyme or reason as to why some people are happy.

This might sound like I’m judgemental or something but I’ll say it anyway. Sometimes when I see someone’s life, what they do day in day out, what they’re tied to, the office job, what their overall life is I get nauseous. I will get sick to my stomach if I picture myself having to do that same routine for the rest of my life. My life is really no different at this point but I’m trying to change it. To what, I don’t really know.

For all our modern conveniences and abundance here in the US people still are miserable as fuck it seems. I should be grateful for running water, food to eat, and a roof over my head. But the tedium of day to day life, I might as well be fucking dead. I’m just a lifeless body going through the motions to sustain itself, but that’s hardly living.

Always been the outsider looking in. Like I’m not a part of some inside joke everyone else is enjoying. At this point I don’t even care about integrating into it. I’m pretty much done trying to convince myself if I do x y and z I’ll get it. I think I’m just fundamentally different and I’m better off making my own path and living in ways that work for me.


#156

Fucking depressing shit. I’m at a point where I’ve just been letting my emotions go. I’ve spent too many years trying to control and reel them in. It’s led to an avalanche of stuff I’m experiencing and truthfully don’t know what to do with it as I’m overwhelmed. I’ve always had this illusion of control, but it was me keeping things together with the equivalent of duct tape.

It’s just a lot to deal with. There’s a very real dysfunctional way of living that’s led me to this point. And now I want to fix it, but all the responsibilities of life weigh me down and I feel stuck in a pattern.


#157

So two things I might have fucked up. 1 listening at too low of a volume. I got concerned for my hearing with the masked stuff so I started listening at a quieter volume. But it might have been too quiet. I know your subconscious can pick up on a lot of stuff, but I can’t help but feel listening at a lower volume was an attempt to ignore parts of the script. Don’t know. Part of the issue is the volume stepping on my phone is incredibly dumb. It goes from whisper quiet to just above a comfortable level of listening. I fixed it by adjusting the gain in the audio app I use, still just one more distraction behind the whole consistency thing. It’s like “hey what other minor inconvenient stuff can we put in place to self sabotage?”

2nd thing I fucked up, going back down on the amount of loops. I realize now I’ve been in a plateau, I’m maintaining but not pushing beyond. Most likely due to a combination of fear and overwhelm at all the things I need to sort out in my life. So I just go right back to the same old routine because it gives me stability. But I hate it, so that sucks. And like all things in my life when I’m overwhelmed instead of taking action, I think too damn much of what I still have to do. I think of a better way to do it, how to prevent negative consequences, what’s holding me back, what I’m doing wrong, etc. Every damn thought and thing except what I need the most to just act and move forward and break past the paralyzed feeling. It’s that paralyzed frozen state I get stuck in that screws everything up.

So having said that I still don’t know what the hell to do. I’m going to the doctor this week coming up to discuss the ADHD thing. But in the meantime I decided to bring myself back up to two loops of my custom and fit in rebirth ultima when I can. I can’t let fear paralyze me into not moving forward. My biggest course of action right now would be just making sure I’m getting enough exposure to work with myself. Because right now it feels like I settled on one loop because I’m too afraid of actually moving on to a vastly different way of living my life. In all likelihood I probably spooked part of myself these past few months when I started to grow more and started breaking away from what’s “normal” for me. And I don’t know if the ADHD thing is a missing piece of the puzzle I need to move forward or if it’s another distraction or limiting belief to hold me back.

I’ll say this though, the circumstances that led me to that discovery were just too orchestrated. Watching a tv series that centers around mental health. Having my own breakdown one night and realizing how much I’m struggling. Reaching out to someone and having them explain why I struggle the way I do. I’m all for positive thought and manifestations and all that for healing. But sometimes I do have doubts about the limits of it. Where’s the line between observations on things in your life vs beliefs creating it? The difference between what is vs a creation.

I’m not a religious person but the Serenity Prayer is kind of bang on with what I’m going through right now

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference

#158

Shit man. My friends were ripping on the track Savage by Megan Thee Stallion. Me basically living under a rock and also being incredibly out of touch with popular music gave it a listen. Def not up my alley.

But it got me thinking about success in music and making money off it. And it definitely had parallels to what’s been discussed here regarding rich vs poor mentalities and the whole “rich people are bad, being wealthy is bad” limiting mindsets. Except in music you have underground and popular. That’s been a long-standing dichotomy for years now. The underground, talented, yet broke musicians vs the soulless pop money making no creativity in their bones types. It’s not that black and white, I mean pop music is successful for a reason right? It appeals to people in large quantities. And just because a lot of people like your music doesn’t make it any less valid.

Idk where I was going with this. But I guess I’m kind of just sick of getting in my own way. Having all these conditions set up so my music is good enough. I’m jealous of people who aren’t weighed down by this same neuroticism that causes me to put ridiculous demands on myself. And part of me is like “no this is good, this is what’s going to make your music standout”, but then I think to myself “fuck that, why does everyone else just get to do their own thing in life and not kill themselves over it?” The amount of tracks I hear that just don’t even seem to be anything special and they’re just blowing up.

I guess I’m jealous because I can’t do that shit or I’m not doing it. And for years I just hid behind this concept of authenticity or “real” music to shield my own ego from being bruised.

I think I just put too much pressure on myself to do genre defining musically unique stuff. When really what should matter is enjoying myself and making it a bigger part of my life. Being good at something for the sake of being good sucks. The irony is my stuff isn’t all that unique so while I whip myself trying to push boundaries the end result is really the same as if I just loosened up and didn’t put so much stock in it. So I’m not changing the outcome, but I am making it more stressful than it needs to be.

Yeah that’s just a mind dump for me. Music is a whole ecosystem of beliefs inside my head. The perceived subjectivity of it and yet there are things that seem objective at times to me. But I think overall I’ve got a lot of limiting beliefs as far as success in music goes.


#159

Very impressive to see how many walls you are breaking down with just the breakdown modules that you have put into your custom. Do you think Blue Skies has helped the most out of your selection?


#160

Hah I like Savage. It’s good to swing kettlebells to (there’s a workout twerkout playlist on Spotify it shows up on a lot).

Eventually you’ll get out of your way more. Process and all. You choose whether you stay “true” to your ideals or take a road well traveled. I think you might need to detach some importance from results and enjoy the ride for a bit.