So two things I might have fucked up. 1 listening at too low of a volume. I got concerned for my hearing with the masked stuff so I started listening at a quieter volume. But it might have been too quiet. I know your subconscious can pick up on a lot of stuff, but I can’t help but feel listening at a lower volume was an attempt to ignore parts of the script. Don’t know. Part of the issue is the volume stepping on my phone is incredibly dumb. It goes from whisper quiet to just above a comfortable level of listening. I fixed it by adjusting the gain in the audio app I use, still just one more distraction behind the whole consistency thing. It’s like “hey what other minor inconvenient stuff can we put in place to self sabotage?”
2nd thing I fucked up, going back down on the amount of loops. I realize now I’ve been in a plateau, I’m maintaining but not pushing beyond. Most likely due to a combination of fear and overwhelm at all the things I need to sort out in my life. So I just go right back to the same old routine because it gives me stability. But I hate it, so that sucks. And like all things in my life when I’m overwhelmed instead of taking action, I think too damn much of what I still have to do. I think of a better way to do it, how to prevent negative consequences, what’s holding me back, what I’m doing wrong, etc. Every damn thought and thing except what I need the most to just act and move forward and break past the paralyzed feeling. It’s that paralyzed frozen state I get stuck in that screws everything up.
So having said that I still don’t know what the hell to do. I’m going to the doctor this week coming up to discuss the ADHD thing. But in the meantime I decided to bring myself back up to two loops of my custom and fit in rebirth ultima when I can. I can’t let fear paralyze me into not moving forward. My biggest course of action right now would be just making sure I’m getting enough exposure to work with myself. Because right now it feels like I settled on one loop because I’m too afraid of actually moving on to a vastly different way of living my life. In all likelihood I probably spooked part of myself these past few months when I started to grow more and started breaking away from what’s “normal” for me. And I don’t know if the ADHD thing is a missing piece of the puzzle I need to move forward or if it’s another distraction or limiting belief to hold me back.
I’ll say this though, the circumstances that led me to that discovery were just too orchestrated. Watching a tv series that centers around mental health. Having my own breakdown one night and realizing how much I’m struggling. Reaching out to someone and having them explain why I struggle the way I do. I’m all for positive thought and manifestations and all that for healing. But sometimes I do have doubts about the limits of it. Where’s the line between observations on things in your life vs beliefs creating it? The difference between what is vs a creation.
I’m not a religious person but the Serenity Prayer is kind of bang on with what I’m going through right now
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference