My mind seems quieter. That’s allowed me to notice that a lot of my habitual thought patterns have changed markedly in the past two months. For instance, I am a fairly impatient person or at least I used to be. When I’m waiting for something to happen, especially if it’s something that might or might not happen I put a lot of mental energy into pushing it to happen. I go so far as to chant “come on come on come on” in my head. I started to do that this morning about how I’m going to save our financial situation. Then it hit me. I was trying to get something to manifest faster by constantly mentally pushing at it. I was bugging the universe like a spoiled child. Also I was constantly injecting fear and anxiety into whatever process goes on with manifestation. Not helpful. That realization cropped up every time that pattern started today. It was replaced with a real certainty that I will find a way through this.
I felt a sensation that I thought was nervousness and anxiety this afternoon. Then I realized it was a surge of energy (chi or whatever you want to call it) radiating from my chest throughout my body. Once I caught on to that I relaxed, and it just felt, well, energizing.
These surges are probably the result of Energetic development and The Architect being executed and feel like anxiety because I’m not used to that much energy flow.
After five days off subs, I seem to have reached some kind of equilibrium. I’ve got a sense that if I stopped now, I’d stay at this level for a long period of time without backsliding, at least not really fast. I can definitely say that the new normal is far better than the old normal. My general opinion of myself is a lot higher than its ever been in my life. I am actually optimistic about the future which is something I never thought I’d be. Matter of fact “old me” would have scoffed at the idea. I’m also a lot happier. I still experience some stress, but not nearly as much as I have in similar life circumstances in the past.
My body language continues to be very dominant and relaxed as well. I recently dug out the expensive orthotic inserts that I used to put in my shoes to fix the one part of that that the subs weren’t. I walk with my feet pointed outward. I always have, no idea why. It made me look like a duck. That’s solved now too.
A comparatively small amount of negative thinking has been cropping up, but I find that I can now consciously interrupt it. I say stop and it does. I have tried that on and off for years, but before it didn’t work. The thoughts just kept going.
One thing that is creeping back in is an anxiety about being “stuck” career wise. It’s just a sense that I’m at a dead end or can’t move forward or am somehow being stopped from doing so. I feel like I need to make a move, any move that makes SOMETHING happen before I am stuck permanently. It’s pretty irrational, but it used to be a really panicky feeling that was a frequent part of my life. It’s not nearly as bad now, and I’ll bet it goes away again when I start cycle two in three days.
I feel perfectly normal today. I’m still a lot happier than I’ve ever been. Now that I think about it there have been zero incidents where negative thought patterns raise their heads. I still walk like I own the place. All of the changes I’ve noticed since I started my customs, and powerful subs in general are still there.
What’s missing is the sense that something is being changed and rearranged in the background. There is no sense of internal conflict either. I think that this coat of oil has soaked in and dried, and I’ve reached a good starting point for my second cycle. It’s going to be two more days because I’m off work, but I’m definitely looking forward to what the next eight weeks will bring.
I have found myself looking for little things to fix problems with how I present myself to the world. Digging out my orthotics to stop walking like a duck is one example. I did another last night. I’ve always had an issue with my pants sliding down and my shirt coming untucked. This is a little thing, but it goes a long way to make me look like I’m just not put together. I found something that I’m going to be ordering shortly.
After my entry last night, I just felt happy. It was almost as intense as the euphoria I sometimes get when running subs, but I’ve been off of them for six days. I generally feel optimistic about the near and far future even though On paper our situation looks pretty iffy right now. I can see us getting out of debt, getting a better house, and things going well. It doesn’t seem like a silly fantasy or like I’m forcing myself to visualize it like it always used to either. I also don’t find myself spontaneously visualizing and dreading all of the bad things that could happen.
This sub’s effects seem more stable when I’m not listening to it than any I’ve used before. I’ve definitely reached a higher level. It’s a good starting point for cycle two.
I’m thinking more and more about my plans for next year. I am kind of split between going full bore to get my career on track and taking another year to focus on developing myself into the man I really want to be before really diving into that again.
I spent many years obsessively trying to get into my chosen career path, and it was Hell. I don’t think it would be as bad this time since my sense of self worth isn’t as tied up in the outcome of each and every process, but I’m not sure that I want to dive all the way into all of that just yet. I’ve got four more months to decide.
I have of course been designing new customs for each goal.
Either way, the main core is going to be Emperor. If I decide to charge forward for the job I’ll pair it with limitless and a bunch of modules that will help me stand out both on the written test and the panel interview. If I go with a building year, I’ll pair it with Primal Seduction and split the modules between social status and seduction. I’ll call that one Business and Pleasure.
`**Cycle 2 Week 1**
Taking a week off was a very good move. By the end of the last cycle I was definitely getting the sense that my subconscious was “stirred up”. That’s good in that it means that the subs are helping me touch on things that haven’t been touched on before. It’s probably bad in that if I kept going I’d have run into some kind of pushback in relatively short order.
I had the distinct sense of a processing cue being cleared out and whatever was in it being internalized during the week. By the middle the results which had seemed a bit abnormal stayed but just seemed like my normal way of thinking and acting. That’s how this is supposed to work.
I’ve also got the impression that the changes have solidified so where I am now I’d a new starting level as if I were now starting the sub from this level.
My sex drive skyrocketed on my last few days off. Fortunately my wife was feeling pretty good and it was my days off work. I initiated and had sex more than I have in a very long time this weekend and still felt horney. My wife said that it was amazing each time, and it was for me as well. I didn’t even use S.M. the first time. I did for every other. That was my only sub use for the week.
Last night and tonight I’ve felt less effects than I was for most of the last cycle. That’s not to say that I don’t think it’s doing anything, just that it’s less obvious while the program is running.
My theory on the reason for that is that during my off week, my subconscious processed and accepted a good deal of the script at a much deeper level than while I was running the subs actively. Thus what the scripts are asking my subconscious to do don’t seem like as much of a change as they did when I first started, or even as much as they did the week before last.
Later tonight, when my paycheck clears, I’m going to get Dominus remade in Terminus strength. I won’t get URE right away because I want to see how I handle Terminus before I commit all that money. I am planning on replacing one day of two loops of Q with one loop each in T. That’s to start with anyway, I’ll go from there.
Tonight I found my thoughts focusing on things in my life that I’ve done right but maybe didn’t give myself enough credit for. There have been a lot of them. It left me feeling like I’m a pretty damned competent person. This is pretty major progress. Even recently it’s seemed miraculous to me that I don’t think of myself as hopelessly incompetent. The actively positive thoughts are very new.
Still didn’t feel much while running my subs tonight, but now this quietly started happening.
I ordered Dominus remade in Terminus strength. I’m going to see how Terminus hits me before I spend the money on getting URE too.
Just discovered your journal and read the whole thing. Solid stuff.
Inspires me to return to more closely tracking my listening patterns. That’s been getting a little lax and I’ve been thinking to step that up a bit. Well, sometimes, letting my intuition and serendipity handle it works really well, too. So, we’ll see.
Thanks for sharing your journey.
I’ve got the idea that my subs are feeling less impactful while I’m listening to them because there is less disagreement to what they’re suggesting in my subconscious. Plus the concepts aren’t new anymore. That means that they’re doing their work and I’ve internalized the concepts enough that it will be easier to keep reinforcing them for deep and permanent changes.
I was playing with my son today and I realized that I was in the moment and happy. I wasn’t worried about anything else, just doing what I was doing and feeling the joy of it. Matter of fact, I’ve been a lot happier and less worried about things I can’t control lately. I suspect that I’ve got Joi de Vivre to thank.
A young guy came by selling something this afternoon. I noticed a couple of things during my interaction with him. I suppose these are things that have been changing gradually for a while, but I noticed because this is one of the few interactions I’ve had recently with someone other than the few people I deal with on a day to day basis.
The most obvious thing was that my normal speaking voice has dropped several octaves and seems to project with a lot more force than it ever used to. I used to regularly be described as soft spoken, so this was a major change for me. I’ve been noticing that it’s getting lower for a while, but this was the first time I really felt the power behind it when talking to a stranger. I also just naturally made eye contact while talking.
The rest is kind of hard to describe. I felt more grounded in the interaction. I hadn’t realized that I didn’t feel grounded or felt a bit nervous interacting with strangers before, but I guess I did. I think I also felt that I was more powerful than he was. There seemed to maybe be something going on on the energy level, but I can’t put my finger on it.
The interaction was pleasant though. I was just aware of more than I normally am.
Eagerly awaiting Dominus Terminus though I’m not going to be playing it until next Thursday. I think that it’s good that I’ve done a complete cycle on only Q.
- Day off number two. I felt irritable all day, and had a mild headache. That’s reconciliation. I managed to pinpoint exactly what it was. It was in large part resentment of my wife and myself for “trapping” me in a life that I don’t particularly like. Also at her for treating me badly for a long time, and myself for putting up with it.
Why is that causing reconciliation? Because the guy I’m starting to see myself as wouldn’t have the boring “trapped” life that I feel I have, and wouldn’t tolerate being treated the way I have for one minute. Once I identified that, it eased a bit.
I can relate to this a lot.
**Cycle 2 Week 2**
- I have been thinking more about that bout of reconciliation I had yesterday. The basic problem is that I really see myself as an awesome guy now, but I’m not living a correspondingly awesome life. I am also not taking a whole lot of action toward getting to that point at the moment.
That’s not because I don’t want to or don’t have the guts. It’s because my present life doesn’t allow me to and it will be a while before it does.
We’ve been in a constant financial crisis for about the last four years, and I’m currently providing the only income for four people while my wife and roommate both wait on disability. I’m also the only one who can do any heavy work around the house. That means that while I know several things that I can do, I have neither the time nor the money to do any of them. I’ve been in a hold pattern for a long time and will be until my wife’s disability comes through. Then I can start moving some of the pieces again. For now though, I just have to hold everything together. It shouldn’t be much longer.
I also figured out what I can do. Its purely internal but helps a lot. That’s just to give myself credit. I’ve managed to hold us together throughout some really tough times. I’ve come up with every solution and worked my ass off to keep us in the fight. There aren’t many people who could have done that. I don’t know why, but it really feels to me like it’s over and we made it even though we haven’t seen any notification of that yet. I know that there are things that could go wrong, but I just don’t see any of them happening.
I received Dominus in T today. I was very tempted to run it tonight just because I’m very curious to see how it hits me, but my original plan was to make the last day before my days off be Terminus day each week. It makes sense to me to do that just before I have two days to process.
In the last few days I’ve noticed that my patience and my impulse control have improved markedly. For instance I used to order food at work many nights just because I had an urge to. This is despite knowing that this was a bad financial decision, and that what I was ordering was far from healthy. I still have the urge sometimes, but have managed to resist every day for the last three weeks.
The best example of the patience is my decision not to run Dominus T right away and stick to my plan.
I haven’t been noticing the effects of this sub as much all this week. At first I was a bit worried that they were slipping. It’s not. It just seems like the normal way that I think and act.
This effect is most noticeable in regards to my body language. At first, I was very conscious of the changes and kept correcting it when it slipped. Then it no longer needed conscious correction, but was still very much front of mind. Now, if I think about it, I realize that I’m still moving in the new good way, but I don’t think about it much. The same goes for my thinking and everything else. That’s kind of leading me to feel that the sub isn’t doing much. I do know better. The changes are continuing to happen slowly.
T minus one day to my first run of DominusT.
I’m still giving a lot of thought to designing my next custom which I plan to run for a full year starting January 1. It depends on what my goals for next year wind up being. I suppose it’s the time of year to start thinking about that.
So far the title choices are: BusinessNPleasure, Shitgatherer, Dominus Maximus, Career regeneration stages one through three.
I vote for “Shitgatherer” just on the name alone.
- I I’m currently running my first loop of DominusT. About twenty minutes in and I feel a slow and very pleasant surge of energy around me. It’s kind of making me feel like I’m in a dream where I’m not quite connected to reality. It’s like I’m in a slightly slower time stream than the world around me. It’s actually kind of pleasant and I feel very relaxed.
- A few hours after my loop, and I feel good. We’ll see what my days off do.
- It’s really hard to say what that loop did. All I can tell you is that it hit me differently. I can tell that something is happening, but I feel it in a different place. With Q, I had a sensation around the outside of my head when it was processing. With T I feel it in the center of my head. My emotions seem very calm, but it’s on a deeper level. Hard to describe, but it’s there.
- I slept a couple of hours longer than I usually do. That’s OK because it’s my day off. I woke up with a massive sub hangover. I feel like my mind is working a little too slow, and like I’m wearing a fuzzy helmet. Terminus has got some power to it, and this is a script that my mind is nice and used to.