- I went on the forums this morning, and saw that my plans may have changed. If name embedding is available in major titles by the end of the year, I may make 2021 the year of the Dragon Reborn. It depends on wether there are still pressing external circumstances that require most of my attention and energy, but it seems like it might be a good time in my life to really re invent myself. I am as Saint said “out of the darkness” but I feel like I still have a few sticking points that are keeping me from being who I really want to be. It also depends on wether it looks like we’re going to be locked down for next year or not.
I had an odd and very deep thought about the nature of time while I was going about my day. It’s nothing new really, just that our perception of time is a mental illusion and that everything that is, was, or could be or could have been all exist simultaneously. I’ve always been aware of this concept, but it hit me differently. I had a real understanding of it.
I wondered what I was running that sent my mind in that direction, as Ascension shouldn’t do that. Oh, yeah, Blue Skies.
I’m still stuck on deciding between dedicating my sub use next year to something that will move my external life forward and spending it running DR to get past my remaining mental blocks.
On one hand I’m not getting any younger, and I want some results. On the other, if I took the time to really clear things out, I might get much better results going forward.
I was thinking that I might be able to do both with a custom. It would be expensive, but I could combine Each DR stage with Emperor or something and a few other modules. Then I just switch out which stage of DR I’m on and leave the rest of the modules alone. @SaintSovereign and @Fire, does that sound like a good idea or like it might make my head explode as soon as I press Play?
- Since no one is going to tell me how I’ll suffer from cranial detonation from doing this, here is an initial design for Dragon Emperor.
- Emperor Core
- Dragon Reborn Core current stage
- Way finder
- All Seeing
- Transcendental Connection
- Sanguine (may need this one)
- Lion IV
- Ego Adsum
- Dragon Tongue
- Journey’s Guide
- Inner Circle Core
I would simply make four versions of this with the only difference being which stage of DR was in there, and switch every three months for a one year run.
One reply that I’ve seen about mixing is here
**Cycle 3 Week 5**
I’m getting some serious reconciliation this week for some reason. I woke up on my second day off in a really bad mood and very irritable. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything, and while I did the stuff that my wife asked me to, I got a grumpy look on my face. I knew I was doing it and was doing it deliberately even though I knew that the requests were for the most part reasonable and things she couldn’t do on her own because of her condition.
I think that at least part of why I’m feeling the reconciliation now is that I am in a situation where I can’t really take any action to improve my life situation at this point.
I feel like I should have a better life to match my internal changes, but at the moment I am waiting for things beyond my control to happen. The first of which is for my wife’s disability to be approved. She applied in February and I’ve been managing to keep us afloat on just my income since then. However I’m not getting the opportunity to work the obscene amount of overtime that I was for the first six months or so, so we are having a lot of trouble making ends meet. There is every indication that the SSA is slow walking it, and I have no idea if she’s going to be approved without an appeal, when that will happen, or how much they’ll pay her. In the meantime I’m working as much as I can and I’ve ended up pretty much responsible for running the household too. This is not a position that a high value man would find himself stuck in.
That night, my wife lectured me about how mean I was for getting those looks on my face. Mind you, this is the woman who verbally excoriates me for the slightest perceived offense. I said something to the effect of “so you can rip into me as much as you want any time you want, but I have to watch my facial expressions?”. I told her that I was just in a bad mood, and it was nothing. She went into how she couldn’t control herself because of her MS, (that is supposedly an effect of MS) so she gets “special treatment” but I don’t have a disease. The thing about her is that she ALWAYS has to win every argument, so she just kept going.
I realized during the exchange that I was being emotionally reactive. That was a useful realization I suppose. It’s hard not to be with her when I can’t leave the situation because she just WONT STOP. Something I have to work on.
I think I’m going to skip the Q nights this week and see what just three days of T loops do.
I start week six tomorrow, and in three weeks I’ll be done with my planned six month run of Dominus.
I have definitely changed internally which I attribute to Ascension. It’s not exactly what I expected though and it’s kind of strange. From where I sit it doesn’t feel entirely good.
On the good side, I believe in myself more and on a deeper level than I ever have. I feel that I am capable and worthy of just about anything.
On the bad side, I am anything but sure that I am going to get anything resembling the life I want. The external circumstances of my life haven’t changed much, and I’m still in the same survival mode that I’ve been in for the past three years or so. Thats what I started doing this to change, and it’s been stubbornly resistant. I have a sense that I’ve woken up to my strong and powerful nature too late, and that I’ve allowed myself to dig a hole too deep to get out of.
I also feel empty. Not totally, but there is something that I’m used to having that just isn’t there anymore. That is as best as I can describe it, a sense of a future. Maybe sense that I have something to strive for, and a clear picture of what it is would be a better way of wording it.
Since 2003, I have been extremely determined to get into a certain career field. That has both been a torment to me in that I’ve failed repeatedly, and has been a major motivator to keep going no matter how dark things felt. It was both one of the causes of a very long, miserable time in my life, and one of the things that got me through it. It did show me what kind of determination and will I really have. The thing is that it’s gone now.
I no longer have the sense that I will get there, and no longer have the obsessive drive that says that I have to, or I am worthless as a person. It is the only thing that I’ve REALLY tried to accomplish in my life. That has faded away.
It’s partly because of external factors which make my chosen field not a great idea anymore, but that isn’t all. I think that I am no longer identifying my self worth so closely with wether I accomplish an external goal which is not completely under my control. That’s a good thing, but it’s left me feeling oddly lost. I no longer have a real plan for the future or a sense of what I should do to move forward.
Strangely, this isn’t as upsetting as I would think that it would be. It does leave me kind of drifting though.
Those revelations have left me even more at a loss for what sub plan to Pursue next year. DR to continue the breakdown and rebuilding process, or an Emperor based custom to get something going in the outside world?
Here’s to hoping DR will be Q-ified soon, then you could DR1 with Emperor in a custom I think.
One of my ideas is to run it that way for all four stages only changing out which stage of DR I’m running. Theoretically that would give me all of DR plus a year of Emp. My only concern is that it might pull me in too many directions at once and I won’t get the full benefit from either.
I wish they’d come out with name embedding for regular titles so I could get that in DR.
Aaaaannnd it just occurred to me that maybe the best of both worlds would be to do the same thing with Khan.
Ok, here’s the design for a four stage custom Khan run.
- Khan (stages 1-4). (No! Not at the same time)
- Inner Circle Core
- All Seeing
- Dragon Tongue
- Harmonic Singularity
- Journey’s Guide
- Debt Eliminator
- Secret Source
- Lion IV
- Iron Frame
- Seducers Gaze
Running each stage for three months should make for an interesting year.
Best of luck with that! It looks fantastic.
What have you noticed from Transcendental Connection and Lion IV?
I don’t know if I can attribute anything to Lion specifically, and TC hadn’t come out yet when I made Dominus.
**Cycle 3 Week 6**
- I’m bored. I feel that my life has in many aspects stagnated, and I’ve really been feeling it for the last few weeks. It’s something that’s been bothering me for quite a while, but one of the factors that has made it worse in the past seems not to be present anymore.
That factor is a constant mental push to get my career going in the direction I wanted it to go. Since I kept trying and failing, it felt kind of like being pushed from behind by a freight train into a wall that I couldn’t break through get over, or in any way pass. Needless to say it was a more immediately distressing feeling than what I’m going through now.
I know now why I felt that push. I was deathly afraid that if I failed at that, it meant I was worthless in my entirety. I learned to think like that from very early childhood from my father. He is the most negative thinker I have ever met, and it really rubbed off on me. Don’t get me wrong. He is a good man, and didn’t mean any harm, but he thought of himself as a failure, and was deathly afraid that I’d wind up as a “failure like him”. He instilled that way of thinking, the concept that I was destined to be a failure, and the crippling fear of it in me.
That is a very bad combo. The fear of failure rather than any genuine ambition or desire to succeed was pushing me forward. On the other hand, the negative self image and ingrained image of myself as a failure (I suppose this translates to a fear of success) wouldn’t let me reach the goals that would stop me from feeling like a failure.
This time, is different. I still feel like I’m at a dead end, but that fearful push that made me feel so frantic about going forward just isn’t there. I’m just kind of staring at that dead end wall and wondering what to do at this point.
I think it might be best if I just hit the bullet and did DR for next year so I can actually move forward after. As far as I’ve come, I still need to fix a few things before I can get where I want to be.
- I had read on someone’s journal that they had made a list of things they feared. I kind of got the urge to do that so I started. Longer list than I thought, but I was very honest. Oddly, I felt my tension ease a bit when I did that. I guess I was being pushed to take action and internal action counts.