Ok. I’m facing this internal conflict, I acted on it, but hiding it (my norm) highlights how I’ve tried to completely avoid me feeling like a failure by disappointing others and possibly being rejected and abandoned.
This weekend, I’ve played my custom and Reneration. However, I did a lot of journal reading here, following all-in-one sub journals, mostly about Kahn or Emperor. I realize when I am inactive, I associate it with old thinking. That thinking is I’ve been left behind (an old trauma) and that I couldn’t change it. Noone could or would help, and I’m just revisiting that place.
I began Elixer Ultima just now since it will either bring this to a release, or just calm me down. This is my first EU loop today. Feeling a lot of fear.
What I acted on was listening to Kahn St4 last night and early today, followed by feelings of anxiousness. Reading Friday’s Emperor journal had me pull up EmpQ and RQ the last few hours.
I realized just now that me switching subs wasn’t the root of my fear. However, it looked and felt very much like my childhood trauma, me being left behind and feeling unloved. I’d linked the sudden sub change with abandonment, thus why I began writing. And while EQ got me busy today (I cooked something and cleaned my kitchen)…it never dealt with that root. Busyness just kept me distracted.
Finally, I sit with this active pain, the memory of old. I can deal with that since it’s not going anywhere. Avoiding distraction, but desiring it. Fear is trying to build up to push me away from it. Doesn’t make sense, but it really does. Sounds fucked up because it is. My mind has tried to hang on to these memories just as they are, meaning no change and no digging for them.
Me trying to understand everything now is too much. Listening to EU still. I may listen to another healing sub after. Unsure which one. I’m just tired now.