Custom Regen / PCC journey--clearing out time


#61

Edited my entry.

Why am I stepping into things I have felt fear about?
Why am I choosing to win?
Why am I letting go of feeble attempts to grow forward?
Why am I so successful in business and commerce?
Why am I loving beautiful women in my life?
Why am I complete and adequate?
Why am I unafraid today?
How am I making positive changes in my life today?
Why am I invigorated as a masculine man in society?
Why am I so capable of achieving success mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?


#62

I came on here in a whiny mentality, and I began asking “why this? why that?” and stopped. I remembered my thinking brings those things into my life, so no wonder. I did what I’ve done before, and rewrote some big concerns into seeing positive results. My original questions were setting me up for failure, so I just stopped them and challenged them with positive possibilities. Our sc is very literal.


#63

@subliminalguy, wow no idea how I only discovered this Journal of yours just a second ago, lol! I’ve not been checking into as many journals as I used to do.

Looks good, thank you for contributing and leaving all those valuable insights here for us to absorb. That said, I’m interested to know whether you used Power Can Corrupt before and how it is different in your Custom (less pronounced or not), and some of the major things you noticed from Power Can Corrupt. Like how has it changed your life so far and what kind of behaviors has it provided you with?


#64

I listened to RQ and my custom this morning. I came here during that time.

I was reading the Q modules experiences thread, and someone spoke up about Ares, which I’ve been eyeing. He noted he felt it was in Ascension. It only took a second, for I knew this was true. Every time I’ve run Ascension, I feel more confident to do what is right in front of me. And I’m looping v.2 right now. Gotta do some things today.

While in the Q store, I began making a 2nd custom setup. It starts with I Am, with AscMog as my one core. Ares, Deus, Raikov, plus numerous wealth enhancers are included. I just wanted to do more than heal in isolation from the world, especially since my outward focus is financial mostly. I won’t pick these up today due to finances, but next week, it’s very likely.


#65

Thanks for dropping in @Hermit! I was reading your comments today in the Q modules experiences thread.

PCC has been subtle in comparison to running it as a solo title. I’ve looked for it, and one obvious expression of it is in my charisma combined with a subtle IDGAF attitude.

I noticed this yesterday while dropping something off in a community. I’ve loved being physically active and limber on the job, and I had to climb on top of our trailer, a steel cage, supporting myself while straddling the cage bars while being 12 feet up in the air. I pulled my item over the top, and I climbed down easily and naturally. I even saw one car stop, observing me. I’ve been afraid before of attention, but PCC has allowed me to even revel in it.

PCC also has me thinking LESS about other’s negative attention. It doesn’t serve me.

But the charisma–I LOVE it!


#66

Ok. I’m facing this internal conflict, I acted on it, but hiding it (my norm) highlights how I’ve tried to completely avoid me feeling like a failure by disappointing others and possibly being rejected and abandoned.

This weekend, I’ve played my custom and Reneration. However, I did a lot of journal reading here, following all-in-one sub journals, mostly about Kahn or Emperor. I realize when I am inactive, I associate it with old thinking. That thinking is I’ve been left behind (an old trauma) and that I couldn’t change it. Noone could or would help, and I’m just revisiting that place.

I began Elixer Ultima just now since it will either bring this to a release, or just calm me down. This is my first EU loop today. Feeling a lot of fear.

What I acted on was listening to Kahn St4 last night and early today, followed by feelings of anxiousness. Reading Friday’s Emperor journal had me pull up EmpQ and RQ the last few hours.

Breathe…slowing down…

I realized just now that me switching subs wasn’t the root of my fear. However, it looked and felt very much like my childhood trauma, me being left behind and feeling unloved. I’d linked the sudden sub change with abandonment, thus why I began writing. And while EQ got me busy today (I cooked something and cleaned my kitchen)…it never dealt with that root. Busyness just kept me distracted.

Finally, I sit with this active pain, the memory of old. I can deal with that since it’s not going anywhere. Avoiding distraction, but desiring it. Fear is trying to build up to push me away from it. Doesn’t make sense, but it really does. Sounds fucked up because it is. My mind has tried to hang on to these memories just as they are, meaning no change and no digging for them.

Me trying to understand everything now is too much. Listening to EU still. I may listen to another healing sub after. Unsure which one. I’m just tired now.


#67

It’s maybe 30 minutes later, and I put RQ on right after my loop of EU.

Regeneration is pushing stuff up. I know since I returned here seeking for some feel-good distraction. Anything to not feel fear of pain. I’m listening to masked, and my mind furiously began searching for an escape. Fear of pain causes me trouble 99% of the time. The pain, like what I felt while running EU 40 minutes back, was…bearable. I could see it, feel it even, and I could make responsible decisions after sitting with it long enough to know it wouldn’t kill me.

But the fear of it is why I’ve run around like a chicken with my head cut off. Hell, before putting on RQ, I put Ascension on for less than 5 minutes. Why? It has Ares, and Ares focuses on fear, guilt, shame, and doubt. I sensed me avoiding the root again, so I switched to RQ since it works on fear, but it does it differently somehow.


#68

I had thoughts of finally relaxing, I took my shower, and began to notice something @fire pointed out to me when he released v.1 of Regeneration.

Essentially, an awareness had shown up one morning after I’d used Regeneration a few days. I noticed clothes laying out around my room, and I began feeling uncomfortable with the external messyness since it wasn’t matching my decreasing internal messyness. I remember writing that I needed to start throwing some stuff out, and Fire replied happily that his module addition was working. He added this to encourage us in healing. Me throwing out old things after letting them just sit there for weeks or months was evidence of that.

Tonight I took the garbage down to the street, and came in, and the little messes around me started being more obvious. I cleaned small things for 10 minutes, but… I really desired some dream time tonight. Dropping after this.

I mentioned Fire’s addition to Regeneration since it’s evidence that inner changes are happening.


#69

I wrote this morning in @RVconsultant’s thread. Thought I’d bring it over. I listened to EU while writing it–and I didn’t feel it heavy while listening. It is kicking in now. I’m connecting to some old memories and feelings. I thought “this is my story”. Correction: This was my story. It’s what and who I was at the time. I am making new choices every day.

I’m thinking of my post last night about Fire’s Regeneration module. I’ve been throwing out old practices and associations for a while. I just feel that connection right now.

This morning’s post:

I think people who seriously believe in conspiracy theories just want to feel special.

They feel that they are part of a group of people who know something or have some “secret knowledge” that most other people don’t.

Conspiracy theories also allow these people to feel like the victims, especially when they believe they are targets of persecution. This makes them special.

This was exactly why I got into it. I know there’s some element of truth, but I felt so low about myself that I used it as my base in society.

As I get mentally stable and healthier on subs, I’m reminded how low I felt. Low choices, low prospects, low goals. Knowledge was the only leverage I had, so I used it. My focus was medical conspiracy, and I even seriously looked into being a nutritionist (to help people–so I could feel special). But…I also felt like a victim, and that step up would have made me… do better than my mom. The possibility of leaving her behind scared me, so i didn’t follow it.

I also felt like an imposter, an actor around honest people. It takes a lot of work to keep up that front.

I just wanted to feel valuable. Needed. Special. Unique. Loveable. It was a never-ending, never satisfied goal.


#70

I think humans often understate the importance of love and concern for one another and the importance of family and friends in a society.

People who grow up with a lack of love and concern from others end up filling up the emotional vacuum in their lives with something undesirable while they see themselves as victims of society’s problems.

I’ve seen this first hand in my family . I have family members who are very much into conspiracy theories too and I somehow can see that that those beliefs give them a sense of security and fill them up emotionally, given that they grew up in circumstances of family neglect.


#71

@subliminalguy

A thought for the day:

What would specialness do for you, and if you already had what it would do for you, what would you do next?


#72

Specialness was a need to feel more powerful since inner pain has kept me from accepting and realizing my own power (via guilt and fear).

I’d first breathe, then accept it into my now, my life as it is. I’d let it show me what freedom is (being free from fear). I’d allow it to open my eyes to all the love around me.

I’m still working on knowing and believing I have that. Next, I’d celebrate life in my present state, right where I am, alone or with others. Gifts in life were made to be received.

I’m running my custom currently. I’m much, much closer. Even looping my custom for a bit since it has Blue Skies :slight_smile:

I would SO go for a custom Ultima now.

Thank you for asking.


#73

Healing update:

This morning, I listened to a loop each of EU and my custom. I felt freer, and I felt almost a physical sense of shifting in my brain.

Around 9 I was at work, when I realized…my own body. I felt it. What clicked with me was some trauma had kept me from being uncomfortable in my own body. I just suddenly felt “safe” in my own body again.

About 5 minutes before this happened, I had begun questioning and challenging my non-beneficial fear-based motivation at work. I felt kind of slower this morning, but I didn’t feel myself pushing myself either. During this time that I realized how I’d disconnected from an awareness of my body due to fear and emotional pain.

When the “switch” happened, I felt a quiet “WOW”. I knew something big just shifted. It feels and felt like a miracle happened.

This is AWESOME!


#74

I’m feeling low right now. Listened to EU, now RQ.

I learned months ago at another site that believing I was a victim was manipulation. When I sat with it and my thoughts, it was true.

RV asked me about feeling “special”. Special meant others believed me. ugg…I’ve put on that helpless face to lure anyone in so I’d receive attention (my form of special).

At the other site, the consequences for playing the victim I could not deny. When I build relationships on lies and manipulation, I feel like SHIT. I feel low. I feel worthless. My whole reality is a farce, so I withdraw. I’m left with this created pain, a fear of discovery, and massive self-loathing.

I’m wanting to change since I’m hurting myself. And creating chaos in any and all relationships. I’ve done it all my life. It was my birth family’s unspoken secret. It’s been my secret in 12-step rooms, counselor’s offices, and even here.

Truth: I’m scared to do this.


#75

I considered deleting the last post today, but didn’t since my motive (unsurprisingly) was all self-pity based. So, I’ll keep it. It’s only bothered me since it’s true.

Came home and put on my custom, but changed my plans back to what I wanted an hour ago: I wanted to come home and relax with Elixer Ultima. I’m running EU now.

No major changes today, but I did have a realization. I was thinking about my stinking thinking with attention seeking. Most times it’s because I’m lonely and am wanting some kind of emotional “handholding”. Like I’m desiring someone to meet emotional needs I have. No shit. Childish thinking.

I thought of how something just changed in me yesterday from only listening to subs. I allowed that possibility in my thinking for the self pity, and I imagined not feeling emotional pain constantly. In a 10 second span, I felt my inner self NOT hurting–and with it, all need or desire to seek attention for this vanished. It came back later, but the imagination was like a future reality for me.

I’m going to keep working on this via RQ, EU, and my custom. I’ve been wondering today about custom Ultima’s too. Will definitely pick up a name-embedded RQ too when available.


#76

I feel different right now. I was just reading about a new COVID-related fictional movie being released, and anger is rising in me. I am not normally aware of anger like that.

Anger. I think I have an explanation. I’d been looking over the stack module sales pages yesterday, and Limit Destroyer has been on my mind. I was running my custom, then Regeneration (preQ) all day. I didn’t download LDQ from the store since I have v.1 of LD on my PC. I ran it when I got home, and I put on EU after. Anger showing up in me so easily is very rare for me. I normally stuff or deny it first–nice guy habits, erk…

I was attracted to LD since Regeneration’s sales page shares it’ll remove limiting beliefs too, and I’ve been pushing towards clearing some out. I’ll share I’m not consciously aware of all my limits, but I’ve used LD before solo, and parts of me have been woken up for the 2 or 3 days I ran it.

I’ll put some limiting beliefs down (kind of like I did in my EOG journal)

I am not worthy of love
I should not respect myself or anyone else.
Girls with good hearts scare me. They’ll likely reject me.
Who am I to desire such a girl?
Being honest hurts people.
If I’m honest, I’ll get hurt.
People don’t like me.

Those few beliefs summarize my thinking right now (and it was freeing admitting them). I’m running EU now on PC speakers, but will loop LD after this


#77

This is a great feeling. Looping LD (v.1) now, I was browsing Amazon, and decided to look up the forum threads here since something felt different.

I noticed my feelings were not so fearful. In fact, I’m considering dialoging with users here more–and I don’t have this fearful shield up! Sweeeeet!


#78

Got up late this morning, feeling fear. Hanging in bed means I’m afraid of something. Decided to run LD for one loop.

I’m shocked. Wow. I am realizing I have put walls and shields around me online and in real life. Like a core belief is “I’m not good enough for them”. This goes way, way back to young childhood.

Gotta leave so I’m out.


#79

Fearful again. I’m listening to RQ now on speakers. I got my wireless headphones last night for my ultimas–but I had to charge them first. And I have been imagining resuming RQ, EU, and my custom on rotation again. Fear came up, and has been coming up repeatedly.

I’ll have to leave in a half-hour (fear rose while writing that), but I’ll listen to Elixer when I get home.

This self-sabotage is telling me NO NO NO. Every major (and minor) decision is being affected by that. Grrrrrrr

I’m TIRED of swimming in my miserable shit. My life is more important than that.


#80

Ok. I’ve been real reluctant and fearful to post. Mostly since I feel pulled into playing old roles. I have hidden behind old “truths” a long time, using them as excuses to not really change. I don’t want to do that. And this is big for me, actually not wanting to play old games with myself.

I’m playing KahnQ St1 right now, having run my custom first. I’ve been considering St1 for a week now, having run it maybe 2ce last weekend.

I’m tired of going through the very same stuff using the very same tools in my life. I even contacted @mecharc last week since I’d seen him go back and forth as well.

But what do I want?

To not retreat into former thinking patterns, all which were based on fear. I’m going to keep RQ and EU in my playlist, but I need Kahn (I Am) directions. Running back to old ways hurts me now even while thinking about it.

I’d call it self sabotage. I’m so tired of doing this. Been trying to push down all impulses to grow almost all weekend.

Might open my old Kahn journal. I’ll decide soon. I’m facing choices while I write to either hide in old ways or step into the unknown. Story of my life. I thank God for the I Am module. It says “No mo fo yu!” (feeling humor coming back too :slight_smile: )