Custom Regen / PCC journey--clearing out time


#81

I’m considering a custom Ultima with I Am, Blue Skies, and a few others. I’ve just not moved on this plan since the custom Ultimas have not begun yet. I’ve been trying to form a bigger plan based on my actual needs and desires.

But I’ve needed some removal of old ways. Thus, why I began St1.


#82

I posted in some other threads that a custom ultima can be like a suit which you put on for a specific occasion.

Having something like “I Am” in the custom ultima may be useful as it will be like shedding off your old state/identity before taking on the new state just for that day.

Perhaps you might want to see things that way.


#83

Yeah, I’m aware that Ultimas can be very focused. I’ve found it when using Elixer alongside RQ.

I wanted “I Am” in there since this has been my focus, specifically me not doing un-constructive things, or mentally accepting them as good for me.

Some things (a lot, truly) have just not been working for me. And my mindset is the key

Edit: I was just reading the I Am module description, and I saw why I’ve wanted Kahn and “I Am”

“You will also stop defining yourself by your past, present or future, and become able to live in the moment in the fullest expression of you.”


#84

“Furthermore, it will provide a strong push towards discovering more of who you are and what you need to do to become an individual who lives fully in his power.

More than any other subliminal I’ve used, I had this happen while doing Kahn St1 when it came out. I was reaching out to people and actively finding things I’d often dismissed before in my life. I was becoming who I really am.

Why did I stop? Fear. Assuming no more growth would happen. Or fearing more. Fear fed me that lie, and I swallowed it. I have both Kahn and EOG, and I stopped after St1 on both. Fear won, dammit.

But in this last month, I’ve gotten the strong impression–that there’s a lot I’ve not seen. Or experienced. I limited myself. Bingo.

(Good) Questions for myself:
what do I have to face today?
Why am I being so fearless today?
Why am I choosing to face fears and discover new possibilities?
Why will I feel good about myself today?
Why am I considering reaching out to others today?
Why is my courage growing exponentially?

I listened to 2 loops of St1 this morning. The question about reaching out to others was undoubtedly tied to Kahn.


#85

I’m out doing laundry, and I was reading old threads. There was a thread about GLMQ, and @JCast shared something which interested me, but also bothered me. It was true.

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The first point is what caught my attention. I was in 12-step groups for over 20 years, I undoubtedly can agree with that statement. Being in the fellowship itself involves a certain level of shame. Also undoubtedly, it can be an unspoken requirement for some groups. It’s a life sucking message of “I need to feel like s*** today”

I brought that up since that is an old Norm for me. I’m actually pissed off when I really look at it, knowing that I excluded anything or anyone who did not line up with that. I thought it was my personal and emotional salvation. But the shame enforcement is actually the very reason I pulled out. I originally went to those groups to hide out from life, to find an easier way. I never did find that way.

But this is a part of my old identity which still seeks the easier softer way.

However, the loss I’m realizing is that I passively accepted lying to myself, year after year. It hurts realizing that. It angers me too.


#87

@subliminalguy

Hi! Guess what? There are parts of your journal that sound like my inner dialogue!

One concept I’ve found helpful is this idea of a default mode network. Apparently when we are “doing nothing”, our brains start metaphorically retreating and rehearsing these stories, memories, and so forth. I’ve found just watching this is quite intriguing. Noticing. Pointing it out to myself.

There are some other things I’ve found helpful. I’ve been doing a time limited eating window of about 9 hours. So if I have my first cup of coffee at 8 am, then no more anything (except water) after 5 pm. I think it’s helped me build up some discipline, and besides, I think I have enough calories in my body to sustain me for 15 hours :grin:

I’d encourage you to remember that you are still running Khan. Khan is not about being a person that the mainstream media wants you to be. It’s about doing things as you want, and in ways you want, without worrying about what others will say. So it might be challenging some ideas you have about “what you should do” or “what a good person is”.

I’ve found cultivating compassion, encouraging other to pursue their dreams, and also living life as I want to be helpful.

Khan is not easy to run. Are you taking the days off as recommended?

Remember “I am” is about … well … kind of … metaphorically … destroying a lot of garbage. I’m wondering if one is attached to this garbage, it might be uncomfortable having it destroyed.

Do you think decreasing the number of loops might help?

Have you checked out @Brandon 's journal because he’s running Khan also.

The other thing I’ve found helpful is reading about the items at the Q store and designing a subliminal to focus on any discomfort I have. Have you looked at the Emotional Healing section, or the modules Mercy Protocol or Harmonic Signularity? Maybe look at The Merger of Worlds, Informaticon, Inner Voice, Intuition Enhancer, Dominion, Tyrant, Negativity Displacer, Stress Displacement, and Information Releaser.


#88

I normalized myself to so much garbage in my last 40+ years on earth that it’s 1. freeing to admit it when it surfaces, but 2. I’ve tended to retreat and rehearse those very fears and life limitations. I experienced it both on Kahn and EOG. Embarrassing, but I am tired of it. Fear teases me with old ways (via old associations and feelings of being safe).

And compassion…I’ve not been so to myself. I’m only using the standard Q version of Kahn, and I’m not very confident in myself running it. Most likely it’s reconciliation since no, I’ve not taken a break. (That’s been fear terrorizing me when I consider taking a break—“oh no! This/that/ANYTHING may happen!!”) But Q is definitely more powerful than its predecessor; breaks were not a norm pre-Q. But I wandered to a competitor during that time too.

So, at this moment I do not feel confident in my desire for Kahn, but due to reconciliation, not Kahn. Reconciliation is a subtle bitch, and I have been wondering “can I stop and feel the same desires for Kahn when I come back?” (just caught myself; fear has told me my desire for Kahn will go bye-bye if I rest).

That’s how I lie to myself right there. Overdo, overdo, overdo…then feel trapped by listening to fear when I’m emotionally empty (in my job, for instance), fearing retreating some (“they won’t like you if you slow down”)

That’s the FU norm I grew up with and am practicing currently.

I’ll embarrassingly admit a subliminal truth. Regeneration heals and helps calm me. Calm is quiet, reserved, mindful. Fear is scared, LOUD, and DESPERATE. Fear seeks its place. No, it DEMANDS it. “Calm” doesn’t serve fearful ways. I’ve pulled off Regen at least a dozen times in that thought loop. I usually go on Ascension or Emperor temporarily to feel masculine again. But failure (fear’s leverage) plants both fear of failing again and even trying again!

Fear’s a MFer! Nothing but a liar…and I’ve been (trusting?) it. That sounds like such a spineless belief.

This is me…again, and again. I cried writing that sentence. I’d like to have life. How do I deal with fear?


#89

Here are some things I’ve found helpful…

First, when I get a program I commit to it. The only reason I might stop is if I contact customer service and I conclude that it’s logical to stop based on what they respond with, or if I’m truly convinced something might be better for me.

Case in point for me was Khan. I ran it just as I was supposed to, as per instructions. I reduced loops if I was feeling overwhelmed or had headaches, but committed myself to resuming after a break. No discussion. No compromise. After I ran all 4 stages, I kept going. But I just wasn’t seeing the effects I had hoped for. I had to admit to myself, although I liked what Khan was supposed to do, Khan was not my style. Then StarkQ showed up!

Okay I had fancied myself as a Tony Stark without the recklessness…

So I ran it. The inner changes were noticeable, such as getting ideas and noticing my popularity increase.

As for fear, again I designed a custom subliminal to address my own fears and insecurities. I have been using modules such as Mercy Protocol, Harmonic Signularity, The Merger of Worlds, Informaticon, Inner Voice, Intuition Enhancer, Dominion, Tyrant, Negativity Displacer, Stress Displacement, and Information Releaser. My reasoning is that these should help me: deal with stress, increase awareness with what’s in my subconscious, interact with others kindly even if I feel irritable, and help me find solutions. I think I should mention that I think Inner Circle has improved the quality of people coming into my life.

I recently added Eye of the Storm, Health Codex, and Discordia Deliverance.

The other thing I do, is if I feel moody, I refuse to make any decisions. I want logic to be guiding me more than emotionality. So I wait. When I feel more clarity and calmness, I plan. I plan what to do. I plan my day. I plan what other subliminal modules might help. And most importantly, I plan what to do when I feel moody. I stay on a schedule of exercise and eating.

Do you think talking with your girlfriend about some of your emotional changes might help? Is there a way you could do it to bring you two closer together?

I wonder if she knows something is up with you, and she might think it’s because of her. Just a thought. I don’t know for sure.

Some times when I’m feeling unease from my subliminals, I remind myself of the longer-term pay off. My why for doing it.

A very good hypnotist told me years ago that although the subconscious seeks what is safe, safe is sometimes “familiar”… as in negative habits that might be familiar… might also be subconsciously perceived as safe. Weird, eh? Giving up a bad habit that is so familiar might feel like giving up safety. I still can’t understand it, but it just might be true.

Another thing I’ve found helpful is taking rest days. I just took 2 rest days. I do feel better, and changes happened during those rest days. The odd thing I noticed about the Q format is when I first started listening to my playlist, which I updated to all Q as soon as they were available, was it felt as though the subliminals were still running in my head during my rest days. I took a week off at one point and it felt like for most of those days, the subliminals were still running in my head.

Another thing I do is keep a journal. I have one with pen and paper. Only I see it, so I can freely write down my thoughts and feelings. I also monitor my progress and what seems to be changing.

Well, I hope there are things in here that can help.:grin:

:insert cheerleader emoji here because I can’t find one:


#90

@RVconsultant,

Thank you. I’ve hesitated replying purposely due to your words about not making a decision when emotional. I’ve only been off subs about 2 hours, and tears have been coming up easily. I’ve been watching emotional AGT compilations on YT…but still :blush:

I’m off for a spell. Feeling and processing feels right and good.


#91

I personally dislike rest days. But I take them any way. I feel like if I’m not listening to subliminals, I’m not making progress. But I take rest days any ways because rest days tend to be productive for me.

Could constantly running subliminals be a form of reconciliation… preventing changes in the directions you consciously want? I don’t know. Just something that occurred to me.


#92

Wow. Rest equals results. I had my whole last week feeling pretty stagnant and stuck, and having taken only one rest day so far, results began showing. I had 2 major things show up, and a third is still surfacing.

  1. Omnidimensional showed up yesterday morning. I was in a bad mood, and I noticed that I was looking at my mind’s “best option” (most common option, actually), and I wasn’t ok with it. I’m speaking of blame.

My mind was powerfully insisting there were other options and reasons for why a coworker had done something I didn’t like. Feeling it now, Blue Skies was wrapped up in it too, for I wanted to actually show love towards him. It just felt right–and necessary. Hate and anger were not solutions.

  1. I only ran 2 loops of Kahn TBQ (St1) last week. No more. But something hit me very clearly last night. I was getting gas, and I’d been reading the Ultima Custom thread in recent hours. My mind was very focused on DOING something. I actually talked about money with the gas station clerk a moment too.
    And after pumping gas, I opened up the Custom Ultima thread. I read someone’s mix of financial modules, and something WOKE UP in me! I’d gotten into so much financial information and opportunities in recent years–and I love teaching–something was awakening.

Showing people what I really love (financial AWARENESS), giving people hope who’ve been steeped in powerless thinking, sharing my hope with them–this is what clicked.

I remembered I AM’s description. I AM is a prime motivator in Kahn St1:

“Furthermore, it will provide a strong push towards discovering more of who you are and what you need to do to become an individual who lives fully in his power. ”

Still stewing on that.

  1. I didn’t clearly identify Blue Skies yesterday in the moment. But I’m looking for it, and feeling it some, this morning. I’ve really wanted to know what loving myself and others felt and looked like.

Gotta leave for work now.


#93

Doing one loop of my custom this morning. All clear. No major subliminal changes—but that’s not accurate.

Yesterday, while clocking out, I feel I got a ton of unearned respect from this coworker who I’ve barely known. It was memorable since I was on my 2nd rest day, declining off a sub high I’ve been on for weeks, wondering if my mood would go south. And then our 1-minute exchange while clocking out.

Wow. Thank you Saint and Fire for making this possible.


#94

@JCast, I wanted to thank you for posts like this one lately that say “No, I’m not interested in joining the bandwagon. I’m going my own way”. I had a mix of slight reconciliation added to my custom hitting home today, and I got really pissed this evening. It’s mostly an old suppressed urge to say “NO!” to others in my life vs. being the nice guy and eating whatever’s served. It still pisses me off.

But you consistently refusing to passively say “…okay, I’ll join” is remarkable to me. Thank you for speaking up and standing your ground.


Tonight, facing some reconciliation, I thought about Saint’s words in the post sharing about how many loops we should listen to when starting out. He said recon was “tricky”. I’ve been tricked a couple of times, pulling off both Kahn and EOG after months on St1 (both). Others are in there too, so this caught my attention. I had slight reconciliation after listening to another loop of my custom…plus 3 loops of Kahn (v.1). It was my mistake, and I own it. The latter clashed with my custom’s normal smoothness; I’d expected it to be smooth. Nope.

I actually got impatient initially with my temp worker, but I quickly owned it. I will share PCC had me notice how I could have looked. The guy who’s a real ass, apologizes, then repeats his same offense. I wasn’t owned by that, and I pulled off my controlling stance knowing something was different internally. I didn’t own more crap than I’d actually done. I just quit doing it and left him alone. I was annoyed and internally uncomfortable, but it wasn’t his fault. It was smooth with him after that.

But going back to @JCast’s message, I’m getting tired of allowing guys to shit on me via subtle manipulation, or obvious displays of it. Or…more common is me opening that door of manipulation by being “nice”. I try to be “nice” hoping it’ll change their stance (my old manipulative reaction), but…it’s not working. I’m just getting real tired of it.

PCC is kicking in.


#95

Listened to my custom already, and am running a loop of Elixer Ultima while getting ready for work.

Simply, I’m realizing a lot of my inner discomfort has been from me either ignoring my own anger or opposition to manipulation, and me buying into things I didn’t want to do, believe, or accept. I thought my avoidance was getting me out of the hot seat of confrontation (or being angry), but the pressure now is on me and noone’s around.

I have done this my entire life, and I’m seeing this huge barrier I’ve allowed into my life, which keeps “reality” away.

Listening to Elixer allows me to process them easier, meaning with understanding vs. fear.

So far in my life, I think I completely avoided the teenage rebellion stage. I was alone with Mom in my high school years, all my siblings were the “bad” children (rebelling from Mom), so I never opted for that. Shoved it down. Got creative with music. But I stayed immature.

What now? (A question from myself)


#96

I got an email from a marriage ministry I spent 2 years with before my divorce. I wrote a lot there, and took correction constantly. It was hard to hide when the mods and helpers had seen the same selfishness hundreds and hundreds of times. I think back now, and I went back daily since I knew any bullshit would be pointed out eventually. I wanted to win my wife’s heart back, but I really went since I couldn’t sit in my uncomfortable bullshit long. I wanted that kind of maturity.

I found my old thread this morning, and a guy had posted something on passive aggressiveness. DAMN…

I still do this. I’m considering going to just RQ with ElixerU to clear out shit simply and clearly. I’ve been wondering about that lately since @JCast has been receiving great results.

The biggest reason for different results I see is my time in the morning. I wake up at 330 to be at work by 6. I put on one loop of my custom, then have 45 minutes to get out the door. So, Elixer (the secret sauce) isn’t utilized as much. I put on Elixer before bed last night desiring to make some ground–I felt it resolving something internally.

I’ll take any advice on listening times. For one, I’m considering running RQ on my phone today. But ultimas can’t be done that way. Elixer at home, then my custom or RQ at work? That’s a possibility. Trusting myself is an issue here. Yep.

I’ll paste the passive aggressiveness article in the next post


#97

Edit:

I deleted that whole clinical post about passive aggressiveness. I thought of the self-help myths post I made last week, and something sat sour in me.

I regretfully remember reading stuff like that years back and making it my day’s focus. This happened today. Mansen was right about saying self-help unintentionally reinforces perceptions of inferiority and shame. I found it a never-ending cycle of “BE PERFECT!!..I SUCK…BE PERFECT!!..I SUCK”. I could never find desirable gains by me trying and failing day after day.

Keeping the post reminded me of that old hamster wheel. I kicked it out.

Finally listening to Elixer. A long day with some small, real victories due to the subs. This is working for me.


#98

Listening to Elixer Ultima now. Listened to my custom this morning.

I’m doing financial homework this morning. I knew trusts were used by the wealthy to avoid taxes a lot, and I discovered something this morning. It’s called a Capital Gains Bypass Trust, and it allows one to sell assets and avoid the capital gains taxes.

My main asset currently is bitcoin.
Capital gains tax (for exchanging btc to USD) is around 33-35%. Fuck that. I read “it’s not your patriotic duty to pay more taxes” this morning. In short, hell no.

I found out about tax shelters for funding startup companies weeks ago.
And I’m still greatly interested in cash value life insurance policies due to their long-term safety and ability to utilize funds in the same policy. Tax benefits too–a major reason.

Glad I’m writing, as I began to feel some fear just now–old fears, not related to money.
I’ve really tended to hide out or isolate when something very good comes my way. I’ve done this since childhood. Like wow, it’s all emotional fear, not financial. But they do work together.

I’m an INFP personality type (known that for years), and the “helping people” route is my own. I still can mold myself to other’s standards of “Fuck rules–GET RICH!”, but no, not anymore. I live among wealthy people in my community and happiness (or unhappiness) is chosen by all, wealthy or not. Wealth doesn’t make a person happy (it may allow it). But it does show and grow who you are–who I am and who I choose to be.

Seems like Elixer is digging up something currently. It’s checking me.

What makes me happy?


#99

Starting my rest days today. I’ve tended to do more than normal when I’m off work and thinking about it a lot. Did that yesterday.

I realized something big this morning. I’ve been paying attention to my thinking and feeling this morning, wondering what’s changed and what’s underway. I went back 2 years ago, when I was on another subliminal forum. I was afraid when posting there.

But here’s what I realized. Saddens me to admit this, moreso to myself.

I grew up in fear, hoping I’d get some attention. Often, to begin a conversation, I’d have to speak up knowing my Mom didn’t want to talk. I only expected anger from her. Anger, or silence. Not much else. Anger was a sad result for me seeking attention, and silence (avoidance) was angrily accepted by me, like a slow acceptance that I wasn’t lovable.

She didn’t love herself. She showed a lot of fear and fake faces when around others. I learned this myself.

I used these same tools when on the other subliminal forum. I desired some love and acceptance, but was often met with subtle (sometimes overt) anger and rejection. And I realized I was in that same habit I’d grown up using with Mom. I was in my old norm there. Saddens me since I faced constant rejection at home.

Something is changing, maybe even has changed. I burst into tears right there, thinking on this.

I bought Primal last night and ran a loop when home. I’ve been afraid of women all my life, though I’m attracted to them. I’d read @Michel’s recent post sharing Primal should have been his foundational sub before Kahn. He shared Primal was such a confidence booster, so I moved on it. I don’t have a gameplan for listening. I just know I’m through staying in this place, hiding truths from myself, essentially hiding in fear.

Do I want to be a lustful playboy? That’s not my aim. Healed from decades of old hurts and pursuing desired relationships? That’s my desire. I’ve thought women were blood sucking vampires (or any negative quality) too long.

I’m still using my custom and EU mostly. I’m unsure how much I’ll loop in. Probably 1ce a day.


#100

I ran preQ Limit Destroyer on my phone a bit Friday. This is moving in my head, so I’m writing.

I was just reading @WhiteTiger’s journal, and I realized…I am so used to staying still, not moving–and I’m not meaning physically.

I read his journal, he brought up stacking custom Ultimas with his custom–and I realized I’m putting brakes on myself. Subliminals change me and change me fast. Why am I saying no to change?

Sitting there a minute, I realize I feared feeling alone, feeling abandoned actually. Change is easy with support, but my mind keeps going back to seeking Mom’s attention and not getting any. Change equaled painful feelings of abandonment to me. My mind’s been protecting itself. I don’t need to write out all the dreams I’ve dismissed due to this.

What do I need to do now? (writing for myself here now)

If I weren’t feeling some subliminal pressure and discomfort from yesterday, I’d put on a sub.

I’m feeling and remembering impulses to go out amongst people like I did while on EOG. Just to challenge some fears ranting in my head. Old fears of women rejecting me mostly. That may help with reconciliation.

Wow. Holy shit. Never had this thought. I first thought

“You’re a pussy telling them this”

From nowhere, my mind defended me: “Courage IS being honest. This is who I am”

Also, I felt not alone in this. I’ve never had this happen before :slight_smile:


#101

Pretty cool realizing new stuff :sunglasses: I’m sure you will need to live this instant a couple more time to truly integrate it as a part of your understanding of yourself.