Digger's Khan Journal


#121

ST2 DAY15
Alright halfway through! Same as with yesterday, I woke up slightly before 7 because I needed to pee. Switched off my headphones and turned my phones speaker on to play regeneration ultra. About 40 minutes later, wife was crying and sobbing. Tried to wake her up. But she just wanted to go back to sleep. When I asked her later what she dreamed about, she couldn’t remember.
Was feeling pissed off throughout the day. Changed my car’s battery. The old battery didn’t have a fucking handle or anything to grab onto. Almost dropped it on my foot since my fingers were slipping ever so slowly.
Got pissed off at my dad-in-law as he kept making excuses for his hearing aid. I told him I’d even replace the battery. I just need the size. But he’d go on about the warranty, etc. I just hope I don’t grow old like him. Always making excuses.
Got mad at my wife and kids too.
Am I going through another reconciliation phase? I thought I was already passed it since I’ve been able to keep my temper in check before.


#122

Check out Robert Smith’s Material, on faster eft, he’s a sharp dude.

Robert Smith - You Can Heal Your Body. :vulcan_salute:


#123

Cool. Am subscribed to his youtube channel but have not tried his products. Thank you, @Y.o.B


#124

ST2 DAY16

All I can say is fuck! Right now the littlest things piss me off so much, I don’t know and understand why.
Woke my son up for school. Before bathing, he peed all over the toilet rim and onto the bathroom floor. I (literally) got pissed off! Was still fuming mad when I dropped my kids off at school.
Went to the auto supply store to drop off my old car battery to get my deposit/recycling fee (don’t know what to call it really). Kid working the register was very helpful. He even got the battery out of my trunk and carried it inside.
Next went to the pharmacy to buy batteries for my dad-in-law’s hearing aid (not sure why but I’ve been working with batteries a lot lately). Cashier was helpful given that the old battery dad-in-law gave me didn’t have any marking showing the size nor brand. Cashier told me, just try the closest size and if it doesn’t fit, I can always return it.
Went back home to find that our neighbor filled my recycling bin (trash day today) with his boxes. It was fucking overflowing! The thing is, trash man sometimes does not empty the bin if you can’t close the lid. I had to go and actually try to fit all of it in the bin coz theirs were already full and I didn’t want the other neighbors to think I was littering. Bunch of fuckers! And I really hate the old lady there, as she always gives me this death stare every time I pass by. Like what’s up with that?
The thing is, it’s still morning as I write this. And I’m feeling so fucking mad! Need to release this tension. Will probably take a short nap first. Hopefully this would help.


#125

Neighbor war! With a baseball bat! LMAO! Shouldn’t laugh…


#126

ST2 DAY16 update

My dad-in-law is now awake. Didn’t want to wake him up when I got home.
Gave him the batteries for his hearing aid, hoping that it fits. He tries one. Fits perfectly, but the fucking hearing aid no longer works! We bought the fucking expensive thing 5 years ago for him! And because he was fucking lazy and/or stingy to go out of his way to buy new batteries a few years ago, he decided to buy (on his own) a cheaper hearing aid (online) that has rechargeable batteries. The thing is, what he thought was a cheaper and more cost effective solution, is a piece of junk. He can only wear it 2 hours a day before you need to recharge it. And he keeps on complaining about the volume either being too loud or too low!
Now that we finally got him his batteries for the good, expensive hearing aid, I find out he hasn’t even checked if it’s still working because it’s been 2 fucking years! My god!!! aaaarrrgggghhhh
Funny, and depressing thing about dad-in-law is that his favorite statements are:

  1. Use your common sense, and
  2. Where’s your brain?

All the while I wanted to blast him with those 2 statements.
Going to take a nap. Need to clear my head.
Is it just reconciliation or am I really just fucked up today? Am I only looking for things to get mad about or is this just the reality I’m in right now?


#127

ST2 DAY16 last update

After all that I’ve been through today, makes me wonder. Am I really just looking for things to complain about? Or why can’t I just let things go? Small things start to piss me off lately. But looking back, they’re really small things that don’t really matter in the long run.
Another thing I’ve realized is that I’ve been procrastinating a lot lately. Instead of focusing on important stuff that needs to get done, I’m either napping, playing around or expending energy on things that wouldn’t matter in the long run.
Just re-reading what I’ve already written makes me both sad and mad at myself. I know I can do better and more. And yet through procrastination and wrong prioritization, I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere.
Man, reconciliation is a bitch. Oh well. Time to move on, and get my lazy ass moving.


#128

@d1gz - that’s the best part of Journaling. You get to re-read your writing and reflect on it. There’s the added benefit of boasting lol but more importantly it gives you food for thought on how to change.

I hope you reach ST4 and reap all those benefits.


#129

Thanks @raphael. I hope we all achieve our goals.


#130

ST2 DAY18

Skipped journaling yesterday because I wanted to meditate more first prior to writing what I felt at the moment. Trying to gain a little more clarity into what I really want and what is happening to me right now.
For the past few days, I’ve been getting this nagging feeling whenever I accompany my kid to the school’s morning assembly. It’s like I feel like I have to greet each and every mom (not dad, grandma, or grandpa) accompanying their kids. I’m typically shy and wouldn’t ever try to initiate anything with others, let alone moms with kids. I still haven’t talked to any. Though occasional nods and smiles are the best I could muster. Not sure why I feel like this. It’s like the sub is making me go out of my comfort zone.
Had a problem with my work very early in the morning. Turned out my work passed QA, but caused a lot of customers systems issues. Good thing my boss was more patient and understanding than I had hoped. Although I’m still dreading any repercussions my mistake may have caused.
Saw this month’s power bill. At least it was 1/5th less than last 2 months’ average. Told that to my wife. She said jokingly “Can I have the saved amount?” To which I just smiled, but deep down simmered. Tried not to let anything flare up. It was, after all a joke.
Saw my weight drop down by 2 lbs. A big improvement if I might say so. Maybe Khan does have a “Fat Burner” module after all? Hopefully, I at least maintain this weight. As a dad, I tend to eat what my kids don’t want to, so as to not let food get to waste.


#131

Can’t be sure, but Khan has a module for general fitness and looking after your body. I went back to the gym on AscMogul, on Khan I started taking supplements which reduced my stomach. It’s all good.


#132

ST2 DAY19

Felt a bit groggy during the morning. Probably because I woke up early to get my kids ready for school and may have still been worrying about the issue from yesterday over the office.
Went to the grocery after dropping my kids off school. Not too many people shopping. Ended having a short conversation with the cashier. Guy was friendly, but I really felt like meh.
Was a bit more productive working today. Also had the urge to start reviewing again for the certification that I have never had the guts to schedule an exam for. Hopefully by ST3 or ST4, I can actually start understanding the topics better and solve the problems in the practice exams quicker. Will be adding Beyond Limitless once ST3 starts to help with that. But at least slowly reviewing again is a good start.


#133

ST2 DAY20

2/3 of ST2 down! I/3 to go. Felt lazy throughout the day. Forced myself to work even just a little.
Currently having a slight migraine. Probably because I was listening to ultrasonics on my earphones for a couple of hours. Long exposure to ultrasonics on earphones does that to me sometimes.
Not much to report. Though I felt a little talkative with my son’s therapist. I’m not really talkative with other people, especially those who are supposed to have a professional relationship with me. So this was a bit surprising for me as well.


#134

ST2 DAY22

Had a lot on my plate yesterday, so I couldn’t write anything.
Been feeling lazy these days. Frustrated about why my life is slowly going to shambles. Nobody to blame but me.
While shopping at a specialty grocery store today, the cashier decided to take a break even if the line was long! Good thing she decided to punch my purchases (I was her last customer).
Expenses, expenses, expenses. Feels like all my salary’s always going down the drain. Like, as soon as I get my wages, all that money goes off to paying off bills, groceries and what nots. It’s like I feel like I can’t even hold on to it to get any decent interest from the bank!
Need to review. Need to work. But all I want is to just lie down and sleep.
Feel good when I see a drop in my weight. Feel bad whenever there’s even a slight increase in weight.
Such a roller coaster of emotions!


#135

@d1gz - Do consider adding Spartan to your stack. I had added it to my Khan ST1 + Regeneration stack for health benefits but it has given me an Alpha Mindset. The best part is that even though not much has changed in my life in terms of money or sex, my mind feels like a rock.


#136

Thanks @raphael. However, for now, I think I’ll just stick to ST2 with some Regeneration for now. I think there’s still some reconciliation that I need to go through first. Maybe when I get to ST3 or ST4.


#137

ST2 DAY23

I thought ST2 was Total Reprogramming. However, today, I feel like I’ve gone back to ST1. Been remembering my past mistakes, embarrassing moments, and basically shit I’d rather forget. Even my embarrassing memories during 3rd grade, I suddenly remembered. So I really don’t know why I had to go through all this garbage.
Is my subconscious trying to clean up the trash by letting me remember all of that? Or is it trying to teach me something? Or a combination of both? Or something else? I really don’t know nor understand.


#138

@d1gz - Cool :+1:


#139

ST2 DAY25

I’ve decided to cut back on journaling so as to give me more time to process what’s going on. Simply complaining without reflection is just that, complaining. I refuse to simply complain. I refuse to just look for faults and/or problems without solutions.
Been noticing that people have been friendlier and taking more notice of me. More people are starting to talk to me more. Whether or not I want to, people still say something, Hi/Hello at the least.
Been able to keep my temper more in check. Only shouting when absolutely necessary. Been able to keep my cool a lot longer.
Still remembering stuff I’d rather forget. Actually dreading tomorrow since I need to go to the office. It’s the long lonely drive wherein I remember those things more. Probably because there’s absolutely nothing to do.


#140

ST2 DAY30

Tomorrow I start with ST3. Both excited and terrified.
Been very busy with both work and family lately. Even if I wanted to, I just didn’t have the time nor energy to journal. Currently feeling like I’m in zombie/autopilot mode.
Even if I wanted to study for the certification exam, I just didn’t have the time to. But I know that it would help with better job prospects. I so hate my job right now. But I can’t leave it right away, as I have no where to go. And I need the money. Oh the irony!
Working during the weekend and extending through the night really makes me want to leave. Especially when your boss asks for an update at midnight on a Saturday.
Hopefully ST3 would help me manifest all that I need to get a better job.