Digging myself out of a hole - A Q Journey


#201

DAY68(early update)

Woke up with another headache. Also, I find my eyes get tired easily. I keep blinking and find it hard to keep them open. Not sure if it’s because of lack of sleep or something else.

Started playing BLU on waking up. Currently listening to my health custom as I type this journal.

Not that I’m complaining, but I find that my kids are easier to handle this morning. Nobody’s complaining and I was able to easily have them do small things like picking up stuff or going straight to the bath. Maybe it’s the Dominion, Leader of Men, StarkQ core or even Sultan, but I am easily more able to have my kids quietly obey. Hope that it continues throughout the day.


#202

DAY68(update)

Multiple Advils later, and my head is still throbbing. Couldn’t really do much today. Tried studying some programming algorithms but I just couldn’t understand them because of my headache. Also wanted to get some work done, but again, due to my headache, I couldn’t.

Had to stock up on some bulk supplies like rice, TP, soaps and such. So I had to go to our neighborhood warehouse club. Each step was difficult, both because of the headache, and also because of the bulk in the cart. It was a good thing that the annual membership reward cheque arrived and I was able to use to pay less than usual. But driving back home, was a bit of a difficulty. Am actually glad I got home with this headache.

Too bad my headache is not chronic, else I would have really applied to @SaintSovereign’s test for that chronic pain sub he mentioned a few months ago. The thing is, I noticed that lately, I usually get a headache during the weekends and Mondays, days wherein I have not played subs the night before. So is this reconciliation? Not really sure. Or is this something like a junkie withdrawal? I hope not.

In any case, I have played my subs for the day. Hopefully tomorrow gets better.


#203

DAY69(early update)

Slept early last night. Played RebirthU and BLU looped last night while sleeping. Don’t really know how many loops I listened to as my earphones fell off sometime last night.

Woke up with a dull throbbing headache. It’s still there, but more tolerable. Took an Advil and seems to be working.

Will try to get some work done today.


#204

DAY69(update)

Just like last week, I found myself getting some office work done. Was actually able to tell my boss that I finished one of the tasks he assigned last week. So (sarcastic) yey!

Honestly, I can’t say that I feel driven, nor motivated really. But it still feels good to be slowly finishing tasks, no matter how mundane they can be.

However, I can’t help but have this feeling of dread. It’s a feeling that’s been lurking since yesterday. Though I haven’t given it much thought yesterday because my head was throbbing like a jackhammer was pounding on it. Yet, today the feeling has been growing even more intense. I’m not sure if it’s fear that I might loose my job, fear that something bad’s going to happen, or fear of the unknown. I don’t know really. I don’t want to dwell on it really. But at the same time, it feels suffocating. Maybe it’s reconciliation. I do hope it is reconciliation.


#205

I suspect that I know this feeling.

not sure if this will come across as woo-woo (and I do get in my woo-woo bag at times), but one thing that may be worth doing is to imagine that you’re addressing the wisest, highest part of yourself and to ask it what concrete actions you can take to address this feeling.

May end up being a physical workout to manage the cortisol levels. Or it may be some other action that you had overlooked, forgotten, or even not really thought of. Things really do go up and down in the world, and it has an impact on us. I don’t quite remember where you are, but I think you are in the States? Even if you are not, there is a general social atmosphere of vigilance and anxiety that is drifting about many places. But, it can help to slow down if only for a bit and let your ‘wise mind’ offer you counsel.

Then, back to the routine.


#206

I’ll take your advice on this and meditate with this in mind.

Funny you should mention this. Shortly after I wrote my earlier journal entry, I felt like exercising. Given that it’s been some time since I worked out, I felt a nagging feeling to do so. So I played Beast Unleashed Ultima while exercising. And it really felt great! As of now, I’m currently listening to Beast Within Ultima.

It may be the exercise, but I do feel better. However, there’s still that nagging feeling at the back of my mind. Thanks @Malkuth for the advice. I’ll try to meditate before bed (assuming my wife keeps quiet as she tends to be talkative before sleeping), or maybe when I wake up tomorrow morning. In either case, I really should take up meditation.


#207

Personally, a lot of my own insights or ideas come not necessarily during meditation sessions, but when I’m taking a shower. Guess I let go more in there than when I’m meditating. Meditation’s great, but you’ll have your own situations that work best for you.

Maybe the melodious flow of speech from your wife will somehow serve as a kind of auditory crystal ball, hypnotizing you and revealing the deepest patterns of your mind. Or haha, maybe it’ll be some other situation.


#208

Oh man, I wish. You’re funny man.


#209

DAY70(early update)

Was not able to meditate last night. Felt my head start to hurt again, so I just slept instead.

Meditated for 20 minutes when I woke up. And then started listening to my stack.

So the toilet in one bathroom is leaking at the base. I called a plumber and hope that it wouldn’t be too expensive. Wife’s paranoid about covid (and she should be) to the point that she wants me to do the repair. But the problem is I don’t know how to fix it especially if the leak is either the toilet (which would then need to be replaced) or whatever is connecting the toilet to the drain (which also needs to be replaced). If it was a leak in the hose, I could just simply replace the hose, but if it requires removing the toilet and replacing something, then I can’t. I’m afraid if I did it by myself, then it may make things shittier (pun intended) and worse.

Am listening in to my kid’s class. He’s not listening to the teacher, as they have a test right now. It’s frustrating but somehow, I was able to remain a bit calm.


#210

DAY70(update)

Although the plumber arrived very late, he did a very good job fixing the toilet. Turns out the wax seal was broken and needed to be replaced. Normally I’d be feeling down about having to spend for repairs like this. However, I really don’t feel like it. In fact, a part of me is actually grateful that the plumber got it fixed and that we don’t have to worry about the leak and stuff.

What really got me pissed me off was when I came back to my desk a few minutes ago and found my laptop turned off. I already told my kids that my desk was off limits. What got me riled up even more was the fact that I was running some programs for work. So now I need to double check what finished and what needs to be restarted and at what point.


#211

DAY70(update)

One thing I forgot to mention is that lately, aside from the headaches is that I’m constantly sleepy. Is this reconciliation or is it my body healing itself in part due to my health sub? Or maybe it’s because of too many or too dense subs?


#212

I get that way with Khan ST1 sometimes. Then perfectly awake mere seconds after it’s done playing ¯_(ツ)_/¯


#213

Yeah for me, it is either the food or too much exposure. Last time I was listening to a subclub sub i noticed that at the second loop, in the middle i started feeling tired. I took it as a sign that I reached my current limit.


#214

DAY71(early update)

Been waking up earlier than necessary. But I still feel lazy, that I just try to lay back until my alarm clock rings.

Starting a new habit of meditating on waking up. This is probably why I felt better yesterday. So yeah, today’s the 2nd day I meditated in the morning.

Then I listened to BLU and am currently listening to my health custom. I feel that there’s things I need to work on and improve. Feeling more like I need to create better habits.

I’ll see how this goes…


#215

DAY71(update)

Looking back today, there have been many opportunities for me to get mad and blow a gasket at my kids. None have been really behaving today. And yet I have been able to contain my anger. Maybe it’s because I started meditating, or maybe because there’s less reconciliation, or maybe because the subs are affecting me much more (maybe RebirthU with respect to anger)? I don’t know really. But I’m glad I’m doing better today.

With regards to work, I have actually been able to finish a few more tasks and check them off my todo list. Minor and mundane, they may be, but it still feels good to have trimmed my list down.

Am currently feeling a need to exercise. So I started listening to Beast Unleashed Ultima and will start working out in a few minutes.

Minor things, but somehow, I feel much better seeing these small “improvements”.

  1. Slowly getting things done at work.
  2. Managing my anger.
  3. Starting to work out a little more.
  4. Meditating.

These are small things I know. But looking back, I never really thought of them before, and even taking pride in them.


#216

That’s just it. I don’t feel “perfectly awake” after a loop. Not sure but when I was testing Ultimas, I tended to get tired and sleepy during listening. Maybe I need to lessen Ultima usage.


#217

DAY72(early update)

Woke up with a headache. After 2 Advils, it has subsided somewhat, but I still feel a dull throb.

The meeting I have to attend right now is so boring, I’m not sure why I am even required to join. It’s also not helping my headache.

Somehow, I feel that I overdid the Ultimas yesterday. Ran BLU 2 twice and then ran both beast unleashed and beast within ultimas during and after working out. And then as per my experiment, I played RebirthU and BLU on loop while I slept. So maybe when I’m working out, I may probably refrain fro BLU.


#218

the headache i feel is from the processing over night, this does sound like one of your usual mix, will you keep the fitness ultima’s on for a while and see what happens?
the rebirthU seem a little too far tho just my that like 4 ultimas, even tho we don’t know what’s the limit yet per day, just my two cent will you keep rebithU if you see some result coming from it?


#219

I only play the fitness ultimas when I workout. That’s about twice a week lately.

I believe RebirthU has helped me not only with the reconciliation (less prone to anger, etc), but also had me calmer and better able to process my subs.

Maybe it’s just that I am overdoing some. I noticed that over 3 loops of BLU affects me somewhat.


#220

It affect you negatively how so?