Digging myself out of a hole - A Q Journey


#221

Not really sure. Maybe brings a lot of reconciliation? I noticed that if I listen more than to 3 loops of BLU in a day, my head starts to hurt. Even if it’s the only Ultima I played.

When I ran RebirthU overnight and a couple of times during the day, I felt fine. I try not listen to the fitness ultimas when I’m not working out.


#222

DAY72(update)

So after the meeting, I ate a late lunch and then took a nap. Wife was good enough to have the kids not disturb me. The nap greatly helped with the headache.

So my wife decided to rearrange one of our kids’ room. Had to help move the furniture a bit. I normally hate doing this. I mean, if we could only bolt everything to the floor, I would have done it when we moved here. But today, I just felt like not complaining or even showing my dislike for the task. Not sure why really. Maybe because my head still had that dull throbbing? Or maybe because a part of me would rather expend my energies not complaining? In either case, we got the furniture rearranged to her liking.


#223

Hey @d1gz,

I was just reflecting on an interaction earlier today with my son when the following came to me. I wrote it down in an offline journal. But it reminds me of the kind of thing we might sometimes chat about, so I thought I’d write it down here too.

Here it is:

Your children really really want your respect and approval. Much more—significantly more—than their behavior at any given moment might suggest to you in any obvious way.

But what complicates it is that your children want (at least) two things. 1) They really want to be themselves AND 2) they really want to be respected and approved of by you. Not either one of those things, BOTH of those things.

That’s how it is folks when you have a brain with literally 86 billion neurons, you can want multiple things (often multiple incompatible things) at the exact same time. Amazing, yes. But get over it and get with the program.

Your child REALLY, STRONGLY wants your respect and approval, but if he or she can’t get it, s/he’ll survive; s/he’ll just have a deep unhappiness about it. AND she’ll try to compensate for it, usually in ineffective ways. (oh, and also, your child might not even realize how much s/he wants this from you. That’s your job to realize.)

One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is your approval of who they really are, your respect of their efforts, and encouragement and celebration of their legitimate developments and steps forward. If you look closely and pay attention, you’ll notice ways (often subtle) in which they are attempting to get your respect (it doesn’t fucking matter if those ways don’t seem to make sense to you; just fucking recognize them already).

It can be tricky to notice this, especially with your own fucking self-esteem issues. (Chances are you don’t think you are as important as your children think you are. Yes, even with their apparent ‘disrespect’ or maddening behaviors; they actually think you are very important.). So really work at noticing the signs.


#224

You’re absolutely right. It is really tricky given that we (I) have a lot of fucked up issues. I actually recall the time when I rebelled against my own parents. Looking back, it was actually about getting their approval, or at least being noticed no matter how fucked up the logic can be.

So yeah. Thanks @Malkuth for reminding me this. As a parent, I think we really should remember this.


#225

DAY73

Although it was a rest day, I indulged myself by listening to only 1 loop of RebirthU. And a part of me is glad I did.

My wife had me help her wash the big rug from our living room. I had to carry it outside and scrub. And then me and my wife had to carry it and place it over 6 chairs we spread over the backyard. Since it was already heavy to begin with, carrying it dripping wet made it even heavier. Took us about 10 minutes trying to just place the rug over chairs that keep falling over. But through it all, I don’t recall really complaining.

Then after dinner, my wife decided to rearrange another room (I got a lot of kids). And still I wasn’t really complaining.

Aside from getting tired with some lifting, I noticed that my voice seems to be getting deeper and booming. Without even trying to shout, I feel that I can send my voice from around the house (yeah, my house is small) without having to strain my vocal cords.

Another thing is that even if I wasn’t listening to LibertineU for some time now, my wife was overtly flirty today. Not sure why, but I’m not complaining. I like getting this kind of attention.


#226

I love being woken up with this kind of attention. LIbertine is fantastic. I have yet to try the OG pre-Ultima versions either.


#227

But that’s the thing. I haven’t listened to Libertine in about a month now. It’s always been my 2 customs and either RebirthU, BLU and the fitness ultimas every now and then. In either case, again, who am I to complain right?


#228

I totally misunderstood what you put about not listening in a while. My bad. But yeah, no complaints here either. I can’t listen to Ultimas anymore until I get more headphones. The old ones I was using finally crapped out where only the right side has audio :weary:


#229

Might be based on the qualities (and quality) that you’re bringing to the table.


#230

yeah. that is the truth.

He made some comment to me about something he’d done, in a pretty low-key way. It seemed random. Then it hit me that he was telling me about something that I sometimes encourage him to do. But this time he’d decided to do it himself.

An a-ha moment.

I don’t know which module(s) might have helped to facilitate a moment of awareness like that. But I have my suspicions.

Anyway, yeah, so I wrote down my thought process in an Evernote entry to try to help myself to remember more easily going forward. Thank you for letting me know that it resonated.


#231

DAY74

I noticed that I’ve been waking up earlier than necessary lately. Even on a weekend, I got up at around 7. And yet, I still felt lazy.

Got up early today and prepared the kids’ food and did my morning meditation. Shortly after, my kids started to wake up and I told them to let me and mommy rest. I then tried to go back to bed, but only ended up laying down but not really sleeping. Part of me just wanted to rest as I know tomorrow and the following days, the kids still need to attend virtual classes and wake up early. And yet, another part of me felt like it needed to do something.

Overall, today was rather a lazy one for me. Although I did a little work like getting our slightly wet carpet inside (weather report said it would rain in the afternoon and night), washed the dishes, tore up cardboard boxes for recycling and helped the wife clean the loft. And yet, I’m not sure if it’s the weather, but I also felt rather tired and sleepy around 3pm. Actually took a 30 minute nap.

A part of me knows that I should be reviewing programming as I would need those concepts in a few weeks time for my interview. And yet, another part feels like it wouldn’t be needed (or at least hopes that it wouldn’t be needed).

Somehow, a part of me feels that everything will fit together and work out for the best. Even when I complain, I’m still getting things done. So maybe it will turn out better? I don’t know really.


#232

DAY75(early update)

Sudden drop in temperature today makes me want to just cuddle up under the covers and hibernate like a bear. Even though I woke up shortly before my alarm rang, I found it hard to really get up.

Since I played RebirthU and BLU while I slept last night, I decided to just listen to my customs thus morning.

Feeling a bit sleepy and at the same time, I already have started some office work. So at least I feel my productivity is still there, albeit a bit sluggish.


#233

DAY76

Blew a gasket yesterday hence no journal update last night.

Woke up to a headache this morning. And I’ve been feeling tired the whole day. Even after taking a nap and a couple of Advils, my headache is still there and I’m still tired. Not sure if it is related to yesterday’s blow-up or not.

Tried to work a bit, but my brain’s been occupied by the throbbing in my head and by some flitting ideas that have little to do with my job.

Am dreading the fact that I have a meeting in a few minutes. Looks like it’s going to be a looooong night for me.


#234

DAY76(update)

Headache finally subsided. The meeting earlier did not help it one bit. Although, funny thing is, I didn’t find myself complaining much during the meeting. I mean there were times wherein they were just droning on and on about shit I didn’t care about. But I found myself not really caring, nor paying attention. So I guess less attention, less complaints?

Also got some office work done while “listening” on the meeting. Lol. Not much, but then some work is better than none.

Also, I was able to post another entry to my blog. I don’t know why. But it makes me feel good when I get to publish something there.

And yet, I know I should be studying my programming. Although I haven’t felt like studying, most of the interviews I had lately were a lot about practical programming. So I know I really should be at least familiarizing myself with the various algorithms and such. I guess whenever I try to read it, the pages themselves feel like the letters are just droning on an on like a bee buzzing near my ear.


#235

You’ve been relating this type of experience more and more in a number of different contexts. Seems like your imperturbability has been increasing. I wonder if it relates to any direct or indirect effects of something in your stack?


#236

Sorry. I just had to google that word. I thought my vocabulary was good (my wife often has me help write my kids’ essay assignments).

But going back, that’s just the thing. With work, I do feel calmer. But with my wife and kids, it’s different really. I mean, I got mad at my kid yesterday. Maybe I am starting to be more stoic about some things, but then easily pissed at others. As to why, I’m not really sure. But I am trying to find out.


#237

Are you running the Custom that’s at the top of this journal? (It looks great by the way.)

I was just noticing that, after a few months of listening, my customs are kicking in in a new way. It’s pretty amazing to me. They’re like rockets, activating in stages over time.

I’m also able to create words that don’t (yet) exist, but in my opinion should. :smile: (A somewhat less useful ability.)

But yeah, that’s interesting how the reactions can vary in different situations. Either way, it seems pretty clear that something’s happening. Hope good news is on the way.


#238

Yep. Still running my 2 customs. Just changing the Ultimas depending on the need. But my 2 customs have been constant throughout.

Yeah. Somehow, I feel like it. And yes, I also hope it turns up good. Thanks!


#239

DAY77(early update)

Although my kids don’t have school today, I still have work. In fact, I am scheduled for another interview and at the same time, someone from my team scheduled another boring meeting at the exact time. Of course I can’t just cancel on the team meeting as I don’t have any valid excuse. I’ll see how it goes. Given that both are online, I can probably just juggle the 2.

Woke up to another headache. Weird thing is that I have not been listening to any subs while I slept for the past 3 nights now. At first I thought it may be because of an “overload” or something like that, so I trimmed down my sub usage. But still, I have this headache right now.

Started my day with SanguineU. I feel like I need to start my day calm. Am currently listening to my health custom, and will proceed with my wealth custom after. Hopefully this headache goes away.


#240

DAY77(update)

A thought just occurred to me. Reading through this journal, I realized that I’ve been listening to my 2 customs for over 2 months now. This makes me wonder whether or not my headaches are somehow related to them? Either it’s some form of reconciliation and I’m just about to get a breakthrough, or maybe it’s my subconscious telling me enough and I need a change? So does that mean I should stick it through or change it up?