Digging myself out of a hole - A Q Journey


#101

With my current job, I applied for a different research team. When I went for the interview, every one was asking me about a different (though slightly related) topic to what I was applying for. Turns out, my manager “intercepted” me from the other team by talking directly to the recruiter. Can’t say I blame the guy, and to be honest, I’m also grateful as during that time, I was part of a massive layoff from my previous employer.

As for the interview yesterday, same thing. Though when I asked, the job description was just a subset of the tasks they were looking for, and that it would only be about 10% of what they would want the new hire to do. Right now, I’m on a wait and see kind of thing. If they like me, and as long as the pay is good, then maybe?


#102

DAY36

Meeting today sucked. Took a lot of self control just to not drop off the call. My boss either didn’t understand or didn’t really care. At least I was able to stand up for myself. The thing is, my boss has been a “yes”-man ever since I met him. He’s been always agreeing and doing whatever the higher-ups want even if it really is useless, or spreads the team too thin. Now he wants to use my project for another use, one in which the bosses want done. But in the first place, my project was never designed for that. And second, there’s a lot more uses for it than that.

The thing is, he wants “us” to be visible to the bosses. But when I confronted him about past projects wherein others were acknowledged but never us, he just deflected it saying “they” know about it, without giving any proof.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I still need this paycheck I would have just given my resignation then and there. Seems commander makes me combative but the aura does not extend over the internet.

Meeting took a long time, I didn’t really see if commander had any effect on my family.


#103

@d1gz - since you are running two customs with multiple Major Cores in them, it will take time to show results. I guess you are running some other titles too along with your 2 customs.

It’s possible that that was the reason why I dialled back to just using Elixir Ultima and RegenerationQ and stopped my custom subs. Well, one of the reasons at least. The other being that I wanted to focus on both physical and emotional healing.

I think if you stick through it though, you will eventually reach there since you are taking plenty of action at home and work.


#104

Yep. Pretty much. Aside from 2 customs which I listen to during the day, I am also stacking MogulQ and QL ST4 at night. As for results, I agree also. It will take time. Although, somehow, I feel that the assertiveness and even the way I think of solutions is getting better now.

I really can’t say I’m taking plenty of action. Honestly, I think I can do a whole lot more. It’s just that sometimes, I feel like complete crap, I just want to withdraw into my shell. But yeah. If you continuously bang your head against a wall, either your head will crack, or the wall will. Good thing though, my mom always complained I was stubborn as an ox and very hard headed. LOL.


#105

DAY 38

Somehow, I am beginning to feel that journaling is once again becoming a chore. It’s not that I have a lot of things better to do. In fact, I’m not doing anything good right now. Last night, I just watched the latest episode of The Boys on Amazon Prime. This was done after I wrote an article on my blog.

And today, aside from playing with my kids, I feel lazy as fuck. So let’s start at the beginning.

Woke up a little early for a weekend. The reason is because we had to go grocery shopping. By we, I mean my wife will go inside the store while I stay in the car with the kids. And the reason why I decided to wake up earlier than usual is because, like any day, I want my coffee before doing anything else.

So while drinking coffee (it takes me at least 30 minutes because I don’t want to burn my tongue and because it takes a while to brew), I decided to listen to The Commander Ultima. After coffee, I woke my wife up and then packed the kid’s snacks/food (kids rummage through our pantry on weekends) so that they don’t complain they’re hungry waiting for their mom.

While waiting in the car, I noticed that the kids were more behaved than usual. Although one was still rowdy, he was at least quieter than usual. I guess I’ll try listening to commanderU more.

Aside from that, no other subs were played as I wanted to take today and tomorrow off.

Aside from grocery shopping, I really can’t say I did much today. I played with the kids for about 30 minutes, but was mainly either sleepy, or tired. I really didn’t want to move much.

And when the wife suggested we decorate for Halloween, although I went and got the decorations, I gave her that “look”, that got her riled up. By “look” I mean just looked at her for a few seconds without saying anything at all.

Going back to yesterday’s blog entry, it has already generated 141 views (as of now), and I noticed that people were starting to follow me on LinkedIn because I posted something about that blog entry on my LinkedIn page. Seems to be getting some traction. I mean, the reason why I started with that blog was to improve my resume. And that’s why I post about it on LinkedIn (plus the fact that I don’t have Twitter lol).

At the back of my mind, I’m actually thinking of adding more articles to my blog. Although that will require a lot more research and writing than what I’m normally used to as I was thinking more of a weekly/monthly tutorial kind of thing. But maybe I can get myself to actually start working on it. Anyway. Enough blabbering…

Will be watching Netflix now…


#106

HAHA! I can relate. My dad says the same thing about me.


#107

DAY39

Given that it’s another “rest” day, I decided to play CommanderU when I woke up around 11 this morning. Felt contradictory things really. One, I felt playful towards my kids, and at the same time, I also felt like a disciplinarian. It’s a bit ironic really. One minute, joking around, but as soon as the kids start crossing the line, I instantly change to a stern principal.

Otherwise, I felt I had more energy today. Not sure if it was because I slept longer or if it’s because of CommanderU.

Given that it’s still a bit hot here, my wife decided to let the kids swim in the inflatable pool. So while they were swimming, I was watching over them while watching 6 Underground on my phone. Was a bit bummed I wasn’t able to finish it as I had to pause every now and then because of something my kids need and such. Oh well, better keep an eye on them lest something bad happens I guess.

Not sure if it’s because of my health custom, but I felt like I needed some exercise today. It’s been about 2 months since I really did any exercise. So once the kids were put to bed, I decided to play Beast Unleashed Ultima. Around 15 minutes in, I started to feel warm and I felt I really needed to start moving. So I timed my exercise. I normally exercise for around 30 minutes. So I waited for another 15 minutes before I started.

The whole time I was exercising, I was doing better than expected. Again given that it’s been a while, I was really surprised.

Shortly after, I was starting to feel a bit sore. So I decided to finish watching 6 Underground. While watching, I also decided to listen Beast Within Ultima. That combo really is a good one, I think. I actually feel much better as I type this. Was expecting to still feel sore, but maybe the healing must be kicking in?

Will definitely try this combo again in a few days.


#108

This is probably a good thing, actually. That NLP maxim of the Law of Requisite Variety from Cybernetics applies here I think. “In any given system, the most flexible part of the system will eventually control the system.”

The kids are acting “normal” and behaving, you can act freer with them. They start acting up, you change up a bit to guide them back. Like the thing of the Space Shuttle being off course 90% of the time or whatever.

Sounds like you’re doing great, brother.


#109

I was actually a bit scared using Commander Ultima today, to be honest. Last Thursday, during a meeting, I was very frank, and even combative towards my boss. I guess my subconscious may have been thinking differently during these situations. Like, when in a meeting, I have to really draw a line and be firm. Whereas with my family, I can give a lot of rope and leeway as long as the kids step back once they realize they’ve crossed the line.


#110

DAY40

As usual, I started my day with RebirthU. Then started playing my 2 customs (bout 20-30 minute break in between).

I then ran 1 loop of CommanderU shortly after lunch while taking a nap. And then ran 2 loops each of my 2 customs.

What can I say? CommanderU really brings out the disciplinarian in me. Although I give my kids a lot of rope before having to reel them in if they cross the line.

During my meeting, I decided a different tact. Just remained quiet throughout. And looking back, I really can’t help but laugh. Because the more I remained quiet, the more my boss and the other people sounded like idiots. It went something like. My boss would begin talking about my project (as if he knew everything about it), and then tell the group that maybe I knew something more about it. (of course I knew more about it, it’s my project right?). And without pausing for more than 2 seconds, he’d continue talking about it again. And again mentioning that maybe I knew more about. I’m like, both offended because he never really directly asked me. And at the same time, clearly saw the stupidity coming out of him.

To top it off, they (my boss and 2 others) spent an hour discussing something that clearly did not have anything to do with any of us. He was clearly having problems with his own project, that it just looked like he needed to find a way to save face and not tell us that he was having problems with his own project. For 1 hour they tried to work on it!

The whole time, I was clearly thinking about what I heard someone say. “Act like you’re the dumbest in the room. That way you get to learn and grow.” And at the same time, I was also thinking about “The loudest voice is often the stupidest”. I don’t know, but for me, it really is time for me to move on. I just need a way to get hired elsewhere.

So now, I’m focusing more on improving my knowledge. With that, I’m currently playing BLU as I will shortly focus on my training.


#111

DAY41(early update)

So last night, while reviewing, I found some problems that, on first read, I just couldn’t understand. Even when I checked the solutions, I couldn’t understand. Either that or I just gave up.

On waking up, as is customary for me, I listened to RebirthU. Halfway through, I was thinking as to why I couldn’t answer the problems last night. A thought suddenly popped up that maybe it wasn’t because the problems were hard, but maybe because as soon as I saw a level of complexity, my brain just shut off and wouldn’t even try to process it. With that being said, maybe it’s because I placed internal limits? Maybe that’s the reason why I couldn’t pass the certification exam I have tried multiple times?

With that realization, I decided to get Limit Destroyer Ultima. So maybe I’ll try to use 3 Ultimas. RebirthU, LDU and BLU during study days. Maybe it will fry my brain, or maybe it would have me push through and understand and process the information better.


#112
  1. You’re right, of course

  2. At the same time, these things look pretty different from the other side. When you’re the one who has to run the meeting.

You’re analyzing the dynamics of the office rationally and intellectually. But the dynamics are also driven by a lot of extra-intellectual factors; a lot of physical/physiological factors. Part of the luxury of not being the ‘boss’ or the ‘superior’ is being able to take a distant, narrowly specialized perspective.

Before we even get to rational principles, guidance and leadership are challenges on a purely physical level. Remaining attentionally engaged with multiple evolving processes, day after day after day after day. While at the same time, managing your personality, your energy level, your reactions to people and circumstances. It’s a lot. Some people do it gracefully; some do it with great logical ability; some days (and people) proceed better than others. Requires some very specific skill-sets, and usually those skills are not sufficiently taken into consideration when people are getting hired or promoted. Often people are unaware of any socially-acceptable way to step aside or step down. They equate it with ‘losing’, and they don’t want that.


#113

There was a time wherein I was a manager. So I know how it looks from either perspective.

I agree. However, it shouldn’t be as superior/inferior, boss/subordinate model, but more of a teacher/student (at least when I was a manager). When I led my team, I spent meetings making sure each and every one of my guys (and gals) spoke up. I made sure each of them had ample time to talk about their accomplishments and difficulties, and what we can do to help him/her.

With my boss now, I feel that it’s always centering around him. Whether or not what he can learn from us, or what he did. Even when he actually mentions one of us as “knowing more about it”, he never gives more than 3 seconds pause before moving on.

And maybe, I don’t know. Maybe the subs have brought up this thing that I missed. Pushing people upwards. Being able to shine a light on someone. Being able to elevate, inspire and teach. Maybe this is why I keep looking back at my blog. Maybe this is why I keep doing more of my personal projects. Maybe this is why I am no longer happy with my current job?

Honestly, I don’t know. But shouldn’t a leader inspire growth? Shouldn’t a leader elevate? Somehow, I no longer see that in my boss. And a maybe, that’s why I asked him 2 years ago what it takes to get a promotion in this company.

Part of me feels like I’m just ranting here. And forgive me if that’s the case.


#114

DAY41 (update)

With regards to Limit Destroyer Ultima, somehow, I feel that something was dug out from my past. Back in high school, I used to have it easy. Without even having to actually study, I was doing so well in my exams. In fact, back then, my form of study was by tutoring my classmates. And things went downhill when I went to college. I had such a difficult time passing my classes. It actually took me longer than expected to graduate. And that took a bit hit on my confidence. And maybe, that’s why I always felt I wasn’t ever good enough. Could it be that maybe I was actually sabotaging myself whenever I took those certification exams? And by not being able to pass, it actually solidified my thoughts never being good enough?


#115

ya bro they also demonize failure and make it seem like a bad thing like you are stupid and useless or something, even parents do it,
this is 1 of the ways society and structures destroys self love
when you attach your self love to achievements and your perceived value of yourself and being with regards to a GPA or a letter on report card or degree of success etc all this external

you have to develop unconditional self love,
pass, failure doesnt matter no matter what you are good enough in your own standards
when you leave that system it make u poweful :smiley:


#116

That makes a great deal of sense to me.

I’m not sure what the official criteria are for a rant, but that did not seem like one.

Thing is, I’m frequently trying to understand people. It’s just how my brain is wired. The mirror neurons are active or something.

I think there are often reasons that people get trapped or stuck in a particular pattern of thinking or behavior. Knowing those reasons often doesn’t really help that much. But I feel more satisfied when I know more.

When I read this, my reaction is ‘hell, yes!’ And then my next instinct is to change ‘Should’ to ‘I want’. Semantics to some people, maybe. But to me it makes a big difference.

I want a leader who inspires growth. And if I’m a leader, I want to be one who inspires growth and is not overwhelmed or intimidated by growth. I want to have/be a leader who elevates.

But ‘should’? That doesn’t mean much to me except in legal disputes. Should is good for assigning punishments and penalties. But it doesn’t usually do much to make people feel and do better. (Which is kind of the same point you’re making, but from a different angle.)

Anyway, you’re doing what you need to do, and it seems like you are working to manifest and build what you want and need. Hopefully, this particular human being (the ‘boss’) is just one stop along the way. It’s easy for me to imagine you breaking free of this situation and settling into one that feels much better. So, I’ll actively imagine you that way.


#117

I haven’t actually thought of it that way. But you’re right! Actually semantics does play a large part in how we think right? so maybe switching words with some that have similar meanings, but portray more powerful feelings can and would change one’s mindset. And that is what triggers manifestation right? So yeah. Thank you @Malkuth for pointing this out.

Again, thank you.


#118

It’s your journal. We’re just here for the ride :smile:


#119

It’s your journal. If you need to rant, then rant. No judgement here. This is your place to express what you are feeling.


#120

DAY42(early update)

Even though I wanted to work on some practice problems last night, I just realized that I needed to get back to the basics. I realized that I was wasting a lot of time trying to solve problems I had no idea of. So I listed a bunch of topics I needed to work on first and research. Unfortunately, theory bores the hell out of me. So while reading up on the first topic on my list, my brain just wanted to sleep. Not sure if it was reconciliation or because I was really tired. (I did a lot of errands yesterday)

So now, I slept a little bit longer as compared to other nights. But I’m still sleepy…