Digging myself out of a hole - A Q Journey


#121

DAY42(update)

Took my kid to the dentist this morning. Was rather uneventful really. Either that I maybe because I was just plain sleepy today.

Living room TV went bust. Either the board or backlights is the problem. Also saw on some forums that for this TV, trying to repair it would be difficult as the manufacturer tends to wind the wires and components such that it makes it difficult to repair. Also saw that the parts alone cost about half a new tv. Not to mention the labor etc. Just when I thought I was coming to grips with handling our expenses… Damn!


#122

DAY43

During this morning’s meeting, I decided to stick with being quiet unless asked. Since it was only 3 of us present, it was a but difficult to be simply quiet especially when I had this urge to speak out. However, I was able to stick with this approach and through this, I realized that my boss didn’t really have any ideas that would translate to bringing in money to the company. He was thinking as an engineer and not as a manager. He was driving more on to developing systems simply for the sake of improving research capabilities, and not for driving in revenue. And somehow, it really made me sick. Because upper management didn’t really care about research and data. They actually cared more about influx of cash.

So in the end, we’re doing various projects just for the sake of saying we have projects. No vision really.

Memories of me when I was in high school have surfaced again. This time, when I was bullying a classmate of mine. Made me really sad, and yet I felt that a part of me didn’t want to apologize or even contact my classmate. Maybe pride? Or maybe I was just afraid of getting hurt also? Or maybe I just didn’t want to open up a can of worms?


#123

DAY44

Frigging lazy day. Took another kid to the dentist this morning. And when we got home, I blew a gasket at my other kid because he wouldn’t listen and do as he’s told. Good thing I was able to still control my temper somehow.

I noticed that even when I get angry, lately, I’ve been able to keep it together. I’m able to blow off some steam but once I’ve blown it off, I can just let go. Before, it takes a long time before I can just let go. Not sure which of my subs is helping me with that, but who cares right? As long as I’m able to control myself and not do anything stupid, then I’m good.

Lazy as f’ck. Felt absolutely no motivation to work on anything office-related. Can be reconciliation. Can be simply because I’m tired. Or maybe both. Because even if I try to study, my brain just wouldn’t focus. It’s like my brain wants to skip ahead to the next chapters of the book. And yet, at the back of my head, I feel that I need to at least make sure I’m getting a firm foundation to build on.

So the TV for the living room wouldn’t arrive till next week. And the TV in our bedroom is a cheap-ass standard “stupid” TV. No Netflix, no YouTube, nothing. Was only good for DVDs. We used to have cable, but I had to cut it off because we felt it was an unnecessary expense.

But… I got a Raspberry PI (sue me, I’m a nerd) lying around I used to play with a while back. Decided to work on it so that we can get some streaming. Funny thing is that the standard browser those machines have are not supported by either Netflix, Disney Plus, Amazon Prime Video, nada, nothing. None of the streaming services I know supports RPI out of the box. I needed to work on it somehow. Took me about an hour of research and another hour of downloading and installing, but I got it working. Kids had a blast watching Nightmare Before Christmas using my RPi. They even asked me the letters to type to access DisneyPlus. Lol!

Funny thing was, my wife got mad at me because we spent yesterday having the kids watch on her iPad, when I could have set it up back then. Told her I had meetings yesterday and only remembered about the PI today.

Not sure really. But sometimes, I feel that ideas just pop out of my head. Like today. That setting up my Raspberry Pi for streaming, I only thought of it while I was at the dentist with my kid. Out of the blue. I was sitting there while the dental hygienist was cleaning my kid’s teeth. Maybe informaticon at work?

In fact, lately, when I need to know something, I feel it’s becoming easier for me to search what I need to know. It’s a bit hard to explain, but before, I’d go to google and type something. But the results I get aren’t exactly what I need or they’re a bit broad. Somehow, I’ve learned to narrow down my search queries and make them more specific. Even then, before, it would take me a long time of trial and error just to get a working solution. Now, it’s a lot faster. Maybe the sub’s working?

Also, talking about subs, somehow, I also feel that Mastermind is helping me with long term planning. Now, I’m starting to what I can start working on now, in order to achieve something in the near future. I’m able to think of the tiny steps to take hoping this will eventually lead to something bigger.

Not sure about wealth and even physical changes. But I’m still keeping options open. Got a few interviews and maybe a few other options also at the office, so still not loosing hope. As for physical changes, I know I’ll get there. Though I’m not really rushing to look like an adonis, just healthy enough to still carry my kids.


#124

“Brain Google” is awesome


#125

DAY45

Today was supposed to be a rest day. But I decided to test out what would happen if I listened to Stark Ultima more than 3 times today? Was part of the Ultima test group before. And we were told to play up to 3 loops only. Didn’t feel anything during the test. But thought that maybe because it was only 2-3 loops.

In addition, I recall that some were playing BLU more than twice a day. So maybe I could get better results with StarkU by doing more? Honestly, I don’t know what to expect.

Although I was able to fix a couple of rickety tables and made them more stable, I have not done much important stuff today. Maybe because I needed to be with my family and act like their father today? I mean I had this urge to play with them and goof around with them. But now that they’re all asleep, I ended up watching Code8 on Netflix.

Right now I feel bad that I haven’t studied. I know I should, but I haven’t done it today. Could it be reconciliation or could it be that StarkU and my custom stack are conflicting with each other? I don’t know really.

Maybe next time I’ll try BLU for a whole day? The only reason why I decided not to was because I often get sleepy when playing BLU. Not sure why.


#126

DAY46

Although it was another rest day today, I still had a lot of things to do. Given that, I decided to just play Executive Ultima. Ended up listening to 3 loops spaced about an hour or more each in between. Not sure if it’s reconciliation or maybe because I’m still tired, but I ended up taking 2 naps today! They were not intentional really. I just sat down both times and closed my eyes. The next thing I new about 20 or 30 minutes have passed by.

Also, after my 3rd loop, I was starting to have a slight headache. This, I feel, is my maximum for now. I recall that with Stark Ultima yesterday, I also felt that I might start having a headache after my 4th loop of StarkU. So maybe Ultimas either have a different effect on me or reconciliation comes faster with using them.

Another weird thing I noticed today is that my wife tells me I’m hot-headed and mad today. Although I don’t really feel mad, it’s like I’m giving off an aura of being mad. I know that executive ultima also has this aura thing, but maybe my wife feels it and doesn’t really understand it? And maybe she attributes it to me being mad? The thing is, I don’t feel mad, and yet she’s mad because she thinks I’m mad!

Oh well. Tomorrow, I’ll be back with my usual stack. Although, I may start with Limit destroyer first thing in the morning. I’ve been watching a few Jim Kwik videos and seems that for me to be able to improve my learning speed I must first learn to remove these limiting beliefs I have regarding learning. Maybe that’s another reason why I’m finding it hard to study and concentrate? Even with using QL, BLU and even my custom, I still don’t feel that I’m at my full learning potential.


#127

It could be that push and energy from the ultima is interpreted by your wife as hot headed as compared to motivated. You may also be so motivated and have so much energy that you dont realise it.
its like you are a charging train…that means no harm but you need to get to your destination


#128

I don’t know really. It’s possible. Although, as mentioned earlier, I took 2 naps. So maybe while listening, or shortly after listening, executive ultima had me run so much energy, but as quickly as I got it, I expended it so that I ended up very tired and needed to rest? Although I do agree with the charging train analogy. While on it, I felt like I needed to do things quickly.


#129

DAY47 (early update)

So I decided to change up my morning routine a bit. After watching a few Jim Kwik videos last night, I decided to give his advice a try. These include:

  1. a few minutes of exercise first thing in the morning. So I did a few push-ups just to get my blood pumping.
  2. brush my teeth with the opposite hand. I agree with the fact that our brain was first designed to control our body. By forcing to use the opposite hand, I am starting to rewire my brain for other functions.
  3. no phone first thing in the morning. Although not really “no phone”, I did refrain from checking my emails, opening social media and reading the news. Instead:
  4. read a few minutes. I decided to spend about 10 minutes reading the text book I bought off Amazon Kindle Store. (data structures and programming).

In addition, I also decided to listen to Limit Destroyer first thing in the morning. Maybe by listening to it first, it primes my brain to accept my custom subs.


#130

I see we have a fellow coder and anonymous fan here;)

Welcome to the journey of making programming effortless:)


#131

Ummm… thanks I guess…


#132

The energy in your post literally transmitted to me. I was reading it and got a good idea for a work-related task, went and did it, and now I’m back finishing up catching up on your journal.

edit:
weird. It’s continuing. Reading your posts I somehow feel motivated and focused.

That’s interesting.


#133

One more question:

You seem to have run 3-4 loops of Stark Ultima maybe 2 days ago? Any observations on its effects now that more time has passed?


#134

I’m glad to have helped somehow? I don’t know how energy from an electronically posted message board may have been transmitted, but I’m glad to have helped.


#135

Yeah I ran StarkU Saturday. I really can’t say much about effects really. I mean, I feel like I normally do I guess. I didn’t feel the instant need to do anything unlike when I run Commander or Executive. I didn’t feel energized, nor analytical, unlike when I run BLU. It’s not even like when I ran Libertine, wherein my wife would be all touchy-feely with me. In fact, the closest Ultima result I got was when I ran SanguineU. But even SanguineU, I felt calmer. With StarkU, it’s more like nonchalance, I guess? I really can’t say. Maybe because StarkU was denser as compared to the other Ultima subs?


#136

Hmm…Maybe it shows its effects more when against the background of group activities like meetings.


#137

DAY47 (update)

I just realized how much I dislike that “hacking” group. This is the reason why I decided to change, yet again, my avatar. Hopefully, by changing it, I find something more awesome to do.

So going back, my Monday meeting was another loooooonnnnggg one. 2 week ago, I told my boss that I was planning on writing various APIs so that they could manually submit data to the system I have developed a few weeks ago. To which he replied that I shouldn’t bother with that. Now, fast forward to today, he said in the meeting that him and another in our team were discussing how they could manually submit to the system and if I could do something about it. I’m like, didn’t I just tell that 2 weeks ago?! Another f’king thing that pissed me off was, if they were going to discuss about my project, shouldn’t I have been involved in the first place? It’s really both a downer and at the same time, something that pisses me off. Having a “manager” who has no vision.

Still, kept my mouth shut most of the time. Really saw stupidity in this sort of meeting. As I mentioned before, I’ve been trying to “entertain” myself during meetings by looking for the stupidest thought or comment mentioned by someone there.

Speaking of stupidity, I’m really starting to believe that when you’re no longer the stupidest person in the room, it’s time for you to move on. I’m no longer growing, so I guess I better up my job hunting then.


#138

Maybe? Not really sure. I mean, I ran StarkU when it was part of a test before. But I don’t think I really got much out of it even during meetings. If I recall back then, my thoughts were more on motivating myself to perform more at work. However, now, I’m more like performing more to impress potential new employers, especially when I really don’t have the capital to invest in a business in my line of work.


#139

“I tried applying that principle, but unfortunately everyone else had read the same thing, so I’d always end up as the only one in the room.”

                           - The Actual Stupidest Person in the Room

(so many dad jokes, so few kids)


#140

That cracked me up @Malkuth. I really needed that. Thanks man.