Digging myself out of a hole - A Q Journey


#141

DAY48

Started my day with Limit Destroyer Ultima, then ran 1 loop of each of my customs. While drinking coffee I was able to finish a chapter of the textbook I was reading.

Then went to the dentist shortly after lunch. Turns out that the sensitivity I was feeling was because of a filling that chipped off. Had it done then and there. Was actually feeling rather cheerful there. Funny because I had bad experiences at various dentists and I never really found it “nice” whenever I sat in a dentist chair.

Really got tired of lugging heavy headphones around just to be able to listen to my subs (especially the Ultimas). So I, on impulse, decided to buy a Samsung buds + on Amazon. Prime day discount plus, after researching, found out that it had flat response over some tests. Also the passthrough tech is good (which would allow me to listen to subs while checking my kids during there distance learning classes). So yeah. Here’s to hoping I see some improvement.

Been watching more Jim Kwik videos. I really am starting to believe that I need to improve my brain (retention, processing, etc) to be able to get a better job. Lately, even during my previous certification exam, I got a mental block. Not sure if it was because of my limiting beliefs, shock, or just tired, or whatever. But I do need to overcome this. Interviews I had in the past, on retrospect, should have been easy for me. And yet, during those days, I just found it hard to express myself and formulate adequate answers.

So now, with BLU, and my stack, I’m starting to incorporate Kwik Learning methods. Hopefully, I am able to increase not only my learning speed, but better retain that info as well no matter the situation.


#142

DAY49

Ran Limit Destroyer Ultima on waking up. Then played my 2 customs about 3 loops each, throughout today.

Felt really down as all I can see with work is crap. Crappy people, crappy bosses, crappy everything. Actually found out that another VP was either let go or resigned as I saw his LinkedIn status changed.

Also, not sure if it was reconciliation or not, but I had a headache an hour after getting up. Didn’t go away even after taking meds and a nap. Finally went away after the 2nd time I took Tylenol.

So the living room TV arrived. Took a little longer to set up and mount as it was slightly bigger than the old one. Had to play around with the old mounting brackets. Good thing it was “universal”. But lifting it was a bit difficult for me now. Had to get the wife to help me mount it as I couldn’t see the back.

Funny thing happened about an hour ago. I got an email from a recruiter saying that their company is expanding blah blah blah, and my experience with my current company can be an asset to theirs, blah blah blah. Here’s the funny thing. Just yesterday, I got a rejection email from the same company for a similar position I recently applied for. Replied to the recruiter’s email with something like:

To tell you honestly, I have already applied for this position. In fact, just yesterday, I got an email saying my application was rejected…
With that being said, I would like to ask whether or not this is a different position/team. I would love to hear you out and maybe provide my inputs on how I may be an asset so please don’t get me wrong here. I just don’t want to waste your time here.

Not sure if he will respond back. I’m not really like this “asshole-y” type, but I really don’t know what came over me. Maybe because I feel hurt that I was not even given the chance to interview and then all of a sudden someone emails me about the same thing? I really don’t know.

But seems like I feel that something’s been pushing me to keep sending out applications.


#143

DAY50

Felt really tired and sore today. It may be because I had to mount the living room tv yesterday. I really lack exercise.

Funny thing though is that even though I was tired, and also stayed up late last night, I was still able to actually get up as soon as my alarm rang. However, as for motivation, I really wasn’t motivated to work on anything. Only did very minimal office work.

Either I’m experiencing heavy reconciliation, or I just really lack the drive to work with and for the kind of people at the office. Or maybe both?

In any case, I’ve submitted 2 more resumes. So here’s to getting a much better job soon.

Another thing is that I experienced some headache this afternoon. Before, my head would hurt about an hour after getting up. Now, it took half a day before it started hurting. I only ran 1 loop of Limit destroyer and 2 loops each of my customs before my head started hurting. Maybe I should try going back to Rebirth Ultima? Not really sure if any self-imposed limits are being destroyed as I’m feeling lazier each day. At least lazy from doing office-related work.

Was able to add a new article to my blog today though. Just took me an hour and a half to publish. Seems like I’m getting the hang of it. Actually, the more I add articles to my blog, the more I feel like I ought to write a technical book or maybe give a talk. I don’t know really. Wishful thinking maybe? But at the back of my mind, I really can’t help but feel that I’m destined for greatness. Must be the Stark module? lol.


#144

DAY 51

Instead of Limit Destroyer, I decided to go back to Rebirth Ultima first thing in the morning. Felt calmer actually. Yet, a little tired still.

Took my kid to the orthodontist to get his braces checked out. Really quick check up. Turns out they can remove the braces after 6 weeks and replace it with retainers. Good thing I’ve already paid for the treatment. Didn’t know it would take so long. We’ve been going there for about 2 years now.

Maybe it’s just reconciliation, or maybe just laziness. But today, all I thought about was various logical excuses why I wouldn’t work on my project today. So the system I developed is now accepting automated data feeds and then processes them. A while back, I suggested that I add in various APIs so that we can manually feed the data and query the results produced by the system. My boss said not to worry about that. Fast forward to Monday, he said they need a way to manually feed data, without me having to develop the API. I said sure, I’ll just add a dedicated system to process manual feeds. I have now finished with that. The system is running, but there’s no data for it to run on. Reason? Because we discussed that they would need to arrange for a way to send the data in an “timed” manner (meaning the data will be placed in various folders, wherein the names of said folders will correspond to the date and time for processing order). I’m thinking that it’s not my job to do that since I have no access to the data they will be providing (note, they said they will be manually sending the data, not me). In addition, there was no discussion on how they will get the results. My system send the results in bulk to both my controlled MongoDB and their ElasticSearch-Kibana hybrid system. Since I am not developing an API, how will I know what is fed by whom? Maybe it’s just me being an asshole? I don’t know really. But a part of me is simply thinking in a literal sense based on what their demands are and what was “literally” agreed upon.

So yeah. Basically another lazy day for me. Spent some time watching Batman: The Killing Joke on Netflix. All the while, I played 3 loops each of my 2 customs. So not sure really. Am I experiencing too much reconciliation or is something happening?

The recruiter I was supposed to talk to today, cancelled at the last minute. Not sure why, but I do hope I finally get some good feedback. None of my applications have been going well recently.


#145

DAY52

Supposedly a rest day for me. But, given that it’s also grocery day, I decided to run 2 loops of SanguineU. First on waking up, and the second while the wife is in the grocery store while I was in the car with the kids. I honestly think it helped keep me calm as the kids weren’t really behaving.

Although, come to think of it, when we got home, I was rather easily angry throughout the day. Looking back, it seemed like I was looking for any excuse to get mad or to argue with my wife and kids. Not sure why. I mean, (at least consciously) I would prefer a quiet time. Could it be reconciliation? Not really sure.

Started playing Beast Unleashed Ultima while getting my kids ready for bed. After almost 2 weeks of no exercise, I must admit that I did better than expected. Am currently listening to Beast Within Ultima and will watch some Netflix as soon as I finish typing this. I should say that the soreness I used to feel shortly after exercising is yet to be felt right now. So I’m not sure if the sub is working or maybe it’s just a placebo effect. In any case, I really don’t care. As long as I feel great, it’s fine with me.


#146

DAY53(early update)

So I woke up a little early today as I had to prepare food for the kids while the wife sleeps in. I have resolved to refrain from using subs at today. It’s a rest day after all.

Previously even during “rest days”, I’d still be listening to Ultimas which are still subs. So technically, I have not been getting any rest day really.

So now, I feel that there’s an internal conflict brewing in me. A part of me just wants to chill and relax. While the other part wants to keep moving.

The part of me that wants to relax feels that I’ve been constantly moving and busy throughout the week that I just need some time to regroup. While the other part feels what I normally feel after running Executive Ultima, that I have so much pent up energy that I need to let it out by being productive.

And yet I went to bed past 2am because I was binge watching. And somehow, my eyes are feeling tired now. Idk. Maybe I do need to take a little nap?


#147

Roger that on the conflict. I get the same. I have been working on just trying to reframe it so that I acknowledge that taking rest days as needed IS taking action and IS moving forward.

Since the rest days will ultimately speed up your results.

My biggest challenge is in not looping subs as much as the pre-Q days. Listening to a Q sub once or twice and leaving it be the rest of the day still seems like I’m being “lazy”.

The struggle is real!


#148

I totally agree with you on this one. Sometimes it even feels weird for me when there’s nothing attached to my ears. Lol.


#149

DAY53(update)

Still restraining myself from playing any sub today.

Currently experiencing some reconciliation. It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t even finished half of the Data Structures book I bought. Maybe because I find the whole thing boring? But if I didn’t read it then what’s the point of having bought it? I mean, a lot of the companies I’m currently applying for don’t ask about previous work experience. They ask about simplifying binary search trees.

A thought came up earlier. Maybe because I feel resentment towards my boss is because he has no vision? Or maybe because he thinks like an engineer and not as a manager? I don’t know. I suddenly started thinking about my boss before the current one. Now he was a manager who I’d be willing to work for, not just because he had vision and all that, but because he had my back.


#150

DAY53(final update)

It’s been a rather uneventful day really. My kids wanted to swim given that it’s still a bit hot today. So my wife and I took out the inflatable pool and had them spend a few hours there.

Thoughts of things that I should be doing versus things that I have been doing keep popping up in my head today. Thoughts of past interactions with various people, what happened and what could have been. Not really sure why. Is this my brain finally processing the subliminals? I mean without any sub playing, my brain feels like a scattered mess today. It’s really like there’s no direction and yet at the same time, feels like there’s a direction (although still unclear).

As the day went by, I started getting easily angry. Must be reconciliation too? I don’t know really.

Actually thought of waking up earlier tomorrow. Been wanting to do some more reading and even some minor morning exercises. But if I wake up with only 30 minutes left before I need to get the kids ready, then I feel like I don’t have much time. Will try to wake up earlier tomorrow and see how it goes.


#151

DAY54(Early Update)

Woke up around 5:30 this morning. But felt a bit lazy. Stayed in bed till my alarm rang at 6:00. Still earlier than usual.

Got up, and started my day with RebirthU. Not really sure, but I’m feeling a bit “meh”. Maybe it’s because I woke up earlier than usual? Maybe because I’m still experiencing some reconciliation? Not really sure.

Feel like I had some dream(s) last night. But I can’t recall them. Just that I feel like I had them.

Talked with a recruiter just a few minutes ago. Hoping that I get some progress with my applications. Can’t help but day dream of having a mic drop moment by announcing my resignation during a meeting. Not to sound like an a-hat but I really can’t help it right now.


#152

Day 54(update)

Not sure why, but I suddenly started contacting a few of my former colleagues about potential openings at their respective companies. Trying to broaden my chances, or casting a wider net it seems like. I used to be one to passively wait and see. Now, it looks different.

A former colleague of mine posted in our Facebook group a job vacancy for their company a week ago. Shortly after, I emailed him about it with my resume. Normally, I would just let it go and not follow-up on it. Now, I just went on Facebook messenger and asked him about it out of the blue.

Another instance is a company I am applying for is asking for managerial references. I immediately contacted my previous manager (from years ago) and asked if he’s willing to act as a reference. I actually ended up asking if they had any opening too. lol!

So maybe this is the subs working on having me get on a better path, by actually looking for opportunities.


#153

i know why, its cuz ur badass LOL
but ya bro that same thing happened to me! i used to just wait and do nothing but then i realized there are so much Opportunities everywhere and Potential-Opportunities its insane
these subs help you to start seeing the world like that, and drive you to take action

its a big world, 8 billions of people, kajillion things happening every day

with this type of mindset your developing you are bound to greater and greater sucess
it will only get stronger :star_struck:


#154

DAY 54(final update)

I tried reading the text book this afternoon. But only got to read little. Didn’t really feel motivated to work on anything today. Aside from submitting various applications and cold-calling a few former colleagues, I was rather lazy the whole day.

So now, I have an interview tomorrow afternoon. Looking at the job description, I’m not entirely sure why I even applied to it. I like the company and the salary prospects. I even like the fact that the job will be both challenging and rewarding. However, looking at the requirements and all that, I barely I know half of what they require.

So to overcome that, I’ll be reading up on various tech and hopefully it will be enough. Will be playing BLU tonight, while tomorrow, I’ll be switching up RebirthU with ExecutiveU first thing in the morning. Just re-reading my previous paragraphs shows that I need a confidence boost and also I need to improve my productivity the following days.


#155

DAY55

So as stated yesterday, I ran Executive Ultima first thing in the morning. Was still a bit sleepy, but I pushed through. First thing I noticed was that I felt I needed to keep moving. Maybe it was that feeling that actually kept me from reading up on data structures today. Every time I would open the book, my body feels the need to move. Maybe I’d try BLU tomorrow morning then.

Got frustrated at one of my kids today. It’s really difficult to explain, but he doesn’t really like to read. The thing is, they had an english comprehension test earlier. I told him to read the test questions. I even helped him to find the test his teacher was talking about over Zoom. But he just wouldn’t read. I keep seeing him just play around with the cursor and scroll up and down, up and down, never really paying much attention. So knowing that I would just get frustrated, I went out for a few minutes and drank some water. When I came back, he was crying because upon submitting, he saw that he got 0 (it was a computerized test). This is what really frustrated me. I told him to read and concentrate. The fact that his mom used to help him with these tests frustrated me more. I mean, he’s expecting us to take the tests for him?

Shortly before my interview this afternoon, the power in the living room went out. The thing is, our modem and router were there. So there was no internet. Had to go get the ladder and play around with the circuit breaker to find the proper switch. Looks like the humidifier my wife uses for our plants may have short circuited.

So I really can’t say my interview went well. I mean, more like 50-50. Not sure if the interviewer was particularly impressed, nor did he really say no.

In any case, I’ve got an interview tomorrow for a different company. So hopefully this will be better.


#156

It takes time for different skills to come online. Sometimes it seems like they might just be in a part of the brain that is not ready to perform efficiently yet. So, you keep trying to do the activity or skill, but it’s clear to an outside observer who’s watching carefully that things are not quite working yet.

Often you yourself may not even realize what’s going on. You understand what you’re being told to do. You have an actual intention to do it (more or less). Then you sit down to get started and the next thing you know 7 minutes have passed. A lot of these things work themselves out with the passage of time. The brains of children are just developing so fast.

Sounds like that kind of thing was happening. Two clues: 1) He was kind of zoning out/daydreaming as he was engaging with the written material. That suggests deeper processing going on. Not so great for rapid response. and 2) he felt disappointed and sad when his result came back. That means that he had sincerely tried and didn’t quite see how that result had happened. Well, I often try to rein in my optimistic bias, but, I’d still consider this a net positive. His attitude sounds right, he’s just waiting/working for the skills to develop. The converse of that situation would be a little harder to deal with.

I remember that some of the skills that I thought were hopeless when I was 10 or 15 years old, suddenly just popped into functionality when I was in my 20s. It was like, ‘What?! Oh, okay. I guess we can do that now.’


#157

Thank you @Malkuth. You’ve given me a different perspective on this. I’ll try to keep this in mind.


#158

DAY56(early update)

Woke up a still very sleepy. Probably because I slept late last night. Part of me is actually kicking myself because instead of reading, studying or doing something productive, I ended up watching YouTube. Maybe because I just felt down yesterday? I don’t know really.

As I said yesterday, I decided to play BLU when I woke up. And yet, it’s very difficult to concentrate on work when I still need to also listen in on my kid’s class just to make sure he’s listening to his teacher.

So I’ve got an interview later today. Part of me is nervous, while another part is meh. I want to get a better job. And at the same time, a part of me is scared of change. I honestly just realized this. Maybe that’s another reason for self-sabotage? Need to break down my reasons for self sabotage. Maybe next month I’ll work on a Regeneration/Rebirth routine.


#159

DAY56(update)

What was supposed to be a 30-minute interview was abruptly ended by the interviewer. Not sure if I should feel mad, sad, both, or something else. They were looking for someone senior who had the experience I had. The problem here was that it’s been years since I actually did what they were looking from someone for this role. I said it’s really like riding a bike. Those skills never really go away. I mean, I’m just being honest here. My field has so many facets and is so broad, that’s it’s really very difficult to simply specialize on one portion and stay there forever.

Not sure if I was showing any lack of or aggressively showing too much of confidence, as this was a video interview. I felt rather composed though.

Or was I too honest? So I’m not really sure.

I like the company. Even personally know of some people working there. Was even thinking about what it would be like to actually work there someday. But, not sure now.

Again, my field is so broad. Maybe it’s because I’ve been trying to learn everything and anything that I haven’t really “specialized” in anything at all? But when I check the job listings, it’s more like a f’cking jack of all trades! Someone with AWS/GoogleCloud/Azure experience and at the same time able to code in C/Python/C# (whatever language you can think of), while able to do what I am doing plus so much more.

Maybe I should just find a niche and specialize in it? But then, where would that lead me?

So right now, I will focus on programming. I have a couple more interviews who might ask more about programming rather than other facets of my field. I mean, I bought f’cking books! So might as well read them.

Need to pick myself up and dust myself off. Will not allow myself to wallow and despair. That is not me, not anymore.


#160

DAY56(final? update)

After dinner, I was listening to my health custom and the kids were watching Moana over at Disney+. I don’t know but the part where she meets her grandma after Maui left had me in tears. Not sure if some part of me still feels pain from the insult of earlier or some underlying hurt was dug up. I don’t really know.

When my wife came up and saw my face, I quickly pretended I was so sleepy. I don’t know why. But it’s that or try to explain why a f’cking cartoon movie is making me sad.

So after my custom finished playing, I quickly played SanguineU. I guess I needed the feel good vibe. I just felt so down. I mean I’ve been rejected before. So many interviews with 0 follow-ups, and all that. I really don’t know why this one really got me so riled up.

Right now I’m torn between watching Netflix or trying to read the data structures textbook.