Digging myself out of a hole - A Q Journey


#161

DAY57(early update)

So last night, I neither watched Netflix nor did I end up reading the textbook. Instead, I spent my time “playing” around with content for my blog. Will be adding that later today. I know it’s still procrastination, and that my blog isn’t really helping me financially right now, and it seems that prospective interviewers aren’t even checking my blog really. And yet, I’m still adding in content. It’s like it’s become my de facto calming thing?

Woke up a few minutes late (set alarm at 6, got up almost 6:20). Started my day off with a loop of ExecutiveU. Even if I don’t have any interviews today, I would still like to have that push to work on stuff I’ve been putting off (namely my office project, and reading the damned book).

While preparing my kids for their classes, I suddenly recalled the one time back in college, wherein I had a one-on-one session with my professor. I was a few points away from passing that subject. So instead of getting a written exam or other extra credits, me and my classmates who were in the similar situation were told to take an oral exam instead. I was given 1 problem and told to solve it on the board. My mind went blank and I totally forgot how to solve it. After I left, I was able to process it and wrote down the solution. I immediately emailed my professor with the solution, but for some reason, I he never received the attached solution (email systems weren’t that effective back then). But I don’t really know what happened, but when it came to get our grades, I saw that my grade for that class was a passing grade (albeit barely).

I really don’t know why I remembered that. Maybe because it was my subconscious telling me something? Maybe I should email yesterday’s interviewer? I don’t know. It’s really not like I’m desperate or something. I mean, I want to join that company, but if I end up getting a boss who’s a jerk? Not sure really.


#162

DAY57(update)

I neither worked on my office project, nor have I read any book today. Instead, I worked on adding the content for my blog. Took me about 2 hours as it required a lot of pictures. Technical content is really hard to make quickly. Adding in text that would explain all that is even trickier.

Met with my kid’s teachers in the afternoon. Took some time and I’d rather not delve into the details about the meeting. Suffice to say, my kid needs to learn how to learn. And maybe, so do I guess?

So one of the conferences I’ve been wanting to attend sent out a call for papers announcement. Not really sure what came over me, but I just suddenly came up with a beginner’s topic and abstract. Just in my head! Without having to think too hard! Within a few minutes of reading the announcement, I found myself filling up the submission forms. Although I wouldn’t really expect too much, as my topic is really really basic. And yet, I can’t help at the same time to want to be accepted. Maybe this has to do with what I have been daydreaming of before? Being able to present in a conference?

Realistically, I know this wouldn’t shoot me up to fame instantaneously. This conference I’m talking about isn’t that well known. And it is virtual. So, there’s less distractions. But then, maybe it’s a start?

I’m trying to tamper my expectations in all this. And yet, I can’t help but be excited also. Maybe this is where it all leads to? And the thing is, the topic, or light bulb moment, so to speak, was actually more like a jab at the interviewer yesterday. As the talk I proposed was actually more in line with the topic we were discussing of during the interview. So I don’t know really. Maybe I have too much hang-ups regarding this?


#163

DAY58

Felt really lazy the whole day really. Woke up sleepy and still a bit groggy. Although I got up on time, it still felt more like a chore than something I really wanted to do. Started listening to RebirthU after getting ready. Not sure why really. Maybe a part of me just wants to feel like new I guess?

While my kids were online attending their respective virtual classes, I started listening to my customs. While listening, I started working on newer content for my blog. Not really sure why, I keep reverting to my blog. I should be working, or studying. And yet, here I am, working on my blog. Although I was rather “productive”, it is still procrastinating.

Had another job interview this afternoon. Although it was just the 1st round for this company, I somehow felt good about it. Which is funny. Because, although the job is IT related, it is for a different field than what I’ve been used to for the past decade. Weird that I’d be excited for this, but I am. Maybe because it’s a totally different sector? In any case, I do hope I get what I want in this.


#164

DAY59

So today being a Saturday, I decided to take a rest day from subs. It’s really difficult to keep myself from playing anything at all. Not sure why. But not having earbuds or headphones on feels like walking around naked somehow. It’s gotten so natural to listen to something.

Had a headache today. After about 3 advils, it’s finally subsiding. However, I can still feel a dull throbbing. With the kids being very noisy, I ended up playing music on my earphones. To make it even “quieter”, I disabled the “ambient sound” feature of my galaxy buds. Somehow, the loudness of my music is better than hearing all my kids shouting over each other trying to get our attention.

Not sure if it was the headache or the reconciliation, but my patience today was very thin. Got mad easily. Listening to SanguineU is such an easy thing to do during moments like these. However, I just had to refrain from doing so.


#165

i had an idea about using sanguineU with much stronger build like terminus squared, good to hear it working for you
keep it up and enjoy your rest day


#166

DAY60(early update)

Since it’s my turn to prepare my kids’ breakfast, I can’t sleep in. Boo.

Woke up to a headache. It’s the 2nd day I have a headache. Hopefully it doesn’t become chronic.

As it is a rest day, I am still trying to refrain from listening to subs today.


#167

don’t listen to the urge, fight it, trust me the rest day are so good for you, let the day go by.
you taking anything for that headache, could just be the processing of the subs.
i had one yesterday which was my first day off see what happens but don’t take it lightly


#168

Yeah. Took an advil already. Will probably take a nap in a while (assuming my kids stay quiet enough lol).


#169

I do think that having plenty of water with a tiny amount of sea salt in it should help. Not necessarily enough sea salt you can taste it. Just enough to get some electrolytes in your body to help with the processing.

Choline is good also, as @BLACKICE has pointed out elsewhere.


#170

DAY60(update)

So yeah, my headache went away after a couple of Advils. In the mean time, I felt a sudden surge of productivity. I ended up doing half of the office work I put off doing. Still shitty output, but better than nothing I guess. Maybe because my head was still throbbing during that time.

So after dinner, the wife kept pestering me about buying a few plants over at Lowe’s. I told her it was fall season, therefore, there wouldn’t be much plants. But since I was in a giving mood, I packed up the kids in the car and drove over there. Kids and I stayed in the car while the wife shopped around. Really missed the “it’s gonna be alright” feel of SanguineU and even the calming effects of RebirthU. I mean I was stuck in the car with noisy kids.

When the wife came back, she had 2 plants in a cart. I asked her, why only 2? I thought you would get a whole f’cking forest or something? She said, well, there weren’t anything I liked. None of what they advertised in the website were available. And it was like a f’cking “I told you so moment”. Of course I couldn’t just tell her there and then. I just wanted to get the hell home.


#171

good to hear this a little work it better than a whole day wasted, seems like you kept you kool for that day.
RebirthU sound a bit interesting to me


#172

DAY61

I hate Mondays. Then imagine Garfield the cat with that thought bubble.

That was what I felt when I got up this morning. Shortly after getting ready, I played RebirthU, and a part of me felt that everything’s coming together. It’s a bit difficult to explain, but shortly after, it felt like I’m going to be ok.

Kid needed to get a tooth pulled out, so we drove to the dentist. Nothing much happened really. Had to stand beside him while dentist worked on him. Funny thing was, the preparations actually took way longer than the pulling. Once kid was prepped, dentist just twisted and pulled on the tooth. 5 seconds later, kid was grinning that toothless grin we all know.

Played my 2 customs thrice each today. Didn’t really feel much to be honest. Except that during today’s meeting I really felt annoyed and pissed off at my boss. Seems that the more I listened, the more I saw how much I need to get out.

The company I interviewed for last Friday contacted me today. They wanted to set up a 2nd round of interviews for Wednesday. It’s still IT but a totally different sector than my current job. Hopefully, I get what I want out of this. The feeling of needing to break out and be free is really gnawing at me.


#173

DAY62(early update)

Given that I need a big mental boost right now, I’ve decided to treat BLU as part of my stack. With that being so, my stack would be my 2 customs and BLU played one after the other with some silence in between.

With that being said, I started my day with BLU. I can’t really say much right now. Although I feel like my brain’s thinking of various things at the same time. I feel like it’s multiprocessing different problems and ideas. Hopefully this approach of mine works.


#174

Posting this as a reminder for me and for anyone willing to watch.

So many messages in just 5 minutes. But the most important I guess is to find out who I am not. From there, I will know who I am and who I want to be. From there, I will know where I am and where I want to be. But never compromising my soul for that.


#175

DAY62(update)

Nothing much to report really. Work feels like a chore that I’d rather ignore. Not sure if it’s reconciliation, but I felt lazy the whole day. I mean, office-related stuff was mainly ignored. I only responded to emails when needed. I even didn’t do anything with my project today, really.

Funny thing happened today. Got an email from my boss, scheduling a one-on-one for tomorrow. Funny thing is, the time was scheduled for after my interview with another company. Maybe this is a sign or something?

In either case, I’m really hoping for a change. Whether it be a promotion, a raise, or even a change in tasks. As long as I find something meaningful, and challenging I guess. Something that would both push me, challenge me and at the same time, motivate and reward me.


#176

DAY63

Dang! I don’t know what happened a few minutes ago. I felt so ready and confident for my interview. But then, the interviewer gave me a problem that just stumped the hell out of me. I felt like hiding in a hole. I don’t know really. Maybe because it’s a totally new problem? Maybe because that really wasn’t my forte? Or maybe because I just stink and wishful thinking really isn’t going to get me anywhere? I don’t know.

It was so complex for me that as soon as I saw it, my mind just went blank and refused to think. Am I really like that? Seems like I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Like an ostrich that just hides its head in a hole when problems come.

Thing is, I was so ready to taste a new breath of air. And all of a sudden, the door is shut.

Dang!


#177

yo dont bet yourself up too much about it, you might still get the job and if not you be ready next time, stay on track with everything, keep your head up and press forward


#178

Thanks for the words of encouragement @NinjaFox. I really appreciate it.


#179

DAY63(update)

So after my disaster of an interview, I had a talk with my current boss. It seems that the project I’m currently working on is not “visible” enough, such that my boss’s boss is even asking as to what I am doing. Does this mean that I really need to get a new job?

In any case, I need to meditate and think things through. Maybe I need to prepare a better strategy. Lately, I’ve been casting my net and just waiting for fish to fall in.

In any case, my boss told me that maybe I should start writing technical stuff for the company’s blog. The problem here is that my expertise is more in the line of QA and breaking stuff. Does that mean I should write something that would say our product sucks? Oh well, I’ll see if I can bring it up tomorrow at the meeting.


#180

DAY64

Nothing much for now. Currently on my 2nd loop of my wealth custom. Been running BLU, health custom and wealth customs in succession. Even treating BLU as a major sub now. Hopefully it helps.

Been getting a lot of ideas. However, I’m not sure if it would help me keep my job really. I know I want out. But a part of me still wants security. Until I get a better one, I have to stick with what I have. At least for my family (got to pay the bills).

Been watching a lot of tutorials today. Seems I needed to learn a lot more than I already knew. And some actually blew my mind. Got ideas for both my blog and for work. Though not really sure how I can make those ideas for work go well without showing how crappy our products are. Hmmm… May need to talk to my boss about it.

Oh well, at least I’m getting ideas.