Few changes — I’ve decided to drop HoM for now. However will keep the journal so I don’t have multiples and I’m experimenting a bit. Will definitely come back to it.
I’ve been running Stark Ultima and Commander Ultima only while sleeping, I use headphones on low volume and loop them. During the day I run Emperor and experimenting with dragon reborn.
Personally I don’t like the idea of running more than 1-2 subs tops. But my gut/intuition wouldn’t let this idea go. What I previously thought was just a knee jerk reaction to reconciliation was actually a solution to help me get past my resistance on Emperor.
I also got Libertine because something about having sexual tension helps a lot with work. It’s effective but not in the way I thought. Will definitely have to experiment more.
On the current mix the very next day, while still in that space between waking and sleep I had an image of myself with wings leaping out of bed ready for battle.
Minutes later I was up and it’s been YEARS since I’ve been this productive…YEARS.
Maybe just a fluke.
Next day, I remember waking and hearing myself say “time to get it” from the moment my eyes opened in was non-stop action.
Difficult conversations I’d been avoiding, done. I thought about and before I could stop myself I was already reaching out. If I didn’t get them on the phone fired off an email. I knew what I wanted to say and the outcome I was looking for.
I made a list of 116 things that needed to be done and just started knocking them out. And these were bigger things not like doing laundry or other chores.
Frankly it’s a bit unsettling.
But I see how having these things “out there” has tied up my energy. I haven’t been truly focused. And I’m learning again how to say to no. Not just to other people or projects but also to myself.
I was going back and forth about joining a gym, had an assistant from the app research things and had her order a kettlebell.
No excuse now not to work out.And the thought of gym or no gym is now a non-issue…next.
I see now how much of a coward I was in so many ways. I avoided difficult conversations that would have an impact. But was very comfortable arguing about just stupid shit. I avoided dealing with difficult emotions, people, situations…anything that could force me to be uncomfortable in a meaningful way but would eventually catapult me forward.
In the movie Swimming with Sharks there’s a scene where the centra question is “What do you really want” — I see now how I’ve avoided answering that question. Changing it to please someone whether it was a girlfriend, ex-wife, parent, friend didn’t matter.
I wasn’t afraid of being polarizing — I just do it for stupid shit that just did.not.matter.
Not one bit.
And because of that avoidance I’ve suffered. Looking back there’s no one to blame. I can’t even be mad because looking forward I get to write my own ticket and truly OWN all of my fuck-ups.
And the successes.
Everything in my life, every relationship, everything I own, owe and who I am…I’m completely responsible for.
That’s fucking wild you know?
Other things that have come up, I don’t have anger km the same way. For situations where I would have anger I’m now able to identify the true emotion and deal with it/move forward.
I also have been hiding less emotionally. Now I just need to figure out what I really want. And once I do make no apologies or excuses for it.
If I want it — I’m gonna have it. Just gotta put in the work.