Ok, some observations from today.
First off, I thought of looking at my wealth goals sheet today, 2ce so far, and I realized part of me wished to avoid that. I did look after doing laundry and doing a walk—but even then I was detached. Those are signs of reconciliation. However, Iron Throne is active in my thinking. While sitting here, I just changed from
PCC and Regeneration, in 2 different players simultaneously
EOG ST1 and Regeneration, in 2 different players simultaneously.
That same Iron Throne pushed me to go walk a different path an hour ago. Me doing the same old non-productive things frustrated me, so I took a walk around a lot more car traffic. My walk was bold and fast, though I never did this consciously. I’d seen a dad, mom, and grandmother walking my way, I noticed them eyeing me, and they suddenly detoured. When I took a mental picture of how I looked, I was in that IDGAF mentality. I was just going THROUGH, ignoring old guilt norms I’ve often fallen into. Those norms are me feeling and imagining I’m strong, but quickly shutting it down to fall into old “I’m small” kind of ways. Why? So I’d be “nice” . But I didn’t change my strut. I just kept walking, and it felt goooood.
A good thing related to change happened 20 minutes ago. I’ve written that my attitude and my expectations towards my daughter have hurt our relationship numerous times in my journals. They are unfair and unhealthy, to say the very least. I’ve not reached out to her in weeks, as my mood has slid between anger and self-pity many times. It’s not her crap; it’s mine. So I’ve avoided stirring that pot since some rapid changes are happening here.
Well, half an hour ago, I texted a non-guilting and non-expecting question. I asked simply “how was your weekend?” She replied in 10 minutes, and I continued the convo for about 10 minutes. I’m not “all better”, but some kind of expectation of her dropped. God answers prayers, as this has been on my mind and heart a number of years now.
I can proudly say “I love subliminals” due to quick changes like that.
Her conversation with me was about her present therapy sessions. She’s never tried subs. She’s only seen my rises and falls. And she’s only seen me, plus she’s only 14.
Note: I first learned of her heightened hearing abilities when I purchased my first ultrasonic sub. She was over here at my place 3 years back, I was running it, and she became insistent that I turn the screeching sound off. I had VLC running a music track, and Media Player running the ultrasonic sub. Not until I turned MP off did she visually show that she was relieved.
However, I’m aware most teenagers grow out of that hearing sensitivity in time. Someday, she may try subs. But that’s just my desire. All I can control is me. I’m listening to EOG and Regeneration now, and that’s changing me. From what I’m learning, that is the best place to start.