EOG: No small change


#41

Which day is it?


#42

Day 22 or 23.


#43

I don’t know if reconciliation hit you before but it seems like you got it pretty late in the process (mostly I read people having reconciliation a few days, a week in). Do you plan to listen to St1 for more than a month?


#44

I did this over the weekend. The heavy reconiliation didn’t show until this morning


#45

I did this as well (with Ev4 - two instances at the same time), for about 4 hours Saturday night. My reconciliation showed up part way through Sunday.


#46

What’d your reconciliation look like?


#47

#48

What a day. “Extreme” would be the best word to describe it.

From heavy reconciliation this morning,
to not understanding a VERY GOOD fact from my bitcoin exchange while chatting,
to working with a driver who cares less about anyone else’s life or health when he wants something,
to choosing to go visit a local gym right after work since my subc has been making noise for a while,
to coming home and seeing my miner made a big deposit…

Extreme. Good. It’s life, and wow, what a day. I turned on Regen driving home, but began feeling tense, so turned on EOG solo. Considering loops tonight, but haven’t decided.

Oh, and another big extreme: Iron Throne has been making more noise presently. It’s why I visited the gym after an 11-hour workday (I just priced them). I’d been thinking about it for months, but thought about @Simon’s advice on taking action, so I followed the nudge. I am realizing I’ve been ignoring a LOT of nudges in my life. It’s branching into more of my whole life. When I pay attention, that nudging is constantly prompting me on what to do. Even sharing here. It seems connected.

Truthfully, sometimes nudges have no apparent connection to whatever the very next step is, so they’re easier to ignore. (That’s me dismissing and validating my reasons to ignore nudges (aka desires) )

For example, even listening to classical music while writing here…has old connections. Lots of nudges to play trumpet or horn again these last couple of years. And I hadn’t planned on listening to classical. Connections to an oft-dismissed nudge.


#49

I ran EOG on loops until around midnight, then slept with it not playing. Got up today feeling Iron Throne, and I got my stuff done sooner than I normally do before leaving for work.

I ran EOG solo in my pocket all day, noticing some brain stress in my final hours at work. I got home, and put PCC on. When I’m stressed, I tend to BS myself more, so I’m trying to see if I’m running it too much, or possibly, I’ve not allowed enough recuperation from me overdoing it last weekend. Still feeling the stress tingles. I’ve never had this, so I admit it.

Right now, I’m seeing I’ve been gaining the thinking of acting more vs. doing nothing. I look at my desk in front of me, rather messy, but my concentration is actually not on the mess; it’s on success. It’s a good feeling, and it has me seeing in my mind what a stress-free environment would look like. A clean desk would be wonderful.

–while writing that last paragraph, some crying began, but it wasn’t usual. No tears. I’m thinking it was from the subliminal stress, or reconciliation, so I stopped PCC. While writing, I thought of @Simon’s words that taking action often is a reprieve from reconciliation.

I will clean my room some tonight. This shit is feeling burdensome the longer I ignore it. I say “No!” to reconciliation.


#50

Didn’t clean. Extreme tiredness hit me, and I crawled in bed. Means reconciliation is still going on.

Lots of new thoughts popped up when I first dropped.


#51

The credit for that goes to @Malkuth’s Taking Action thread.

When I use the words reconciliation or reconcile, I’m going by the dictionary meanings.

To me, Reconciliation is a process of elicitation, negotiation, conflict resolution, and decision making… a lot of which, needs to be done consciously. :wink:


#52

I think I need to focus on the fact that I’m on ST1.

I slept without playing subs last night, and turned EOG and PCC this morning. EOG hasn’t been rough (besides reconciliation from overdoing it recently), but I began floating ideas with feelings since I’m aware I’ve needed to imput some masculinity in my life. I’ve noticed me allowing certain behaviours once again, and in my gut, I don’t want that.

This showed in 2 different conversations yesterday. In both, men made jabs at me, and I laughed, but I knew something wasn’t right. I’d allowed a standard for people to be rude to me. This is really bothering me, and it’s happening at the same time I’m taking action towards retrieving some funds these last 2-3 days. Doors have been closed, then open there. This part is working presently.

But a part of me is in need, that little boy inside. He needs protection. He needs to know I’ll stick up for him. Everyone, I used to be disgusted (uncomfortable at best) when I’d hear people being gooey with their “inner child”. I saw it as a reality way off, far away. But something works for me when I stick up for myself.

I’m getting hotter the more I write. I know today I’ll pull one of the bosses aside today. I won’t ride with the guy I rode with Monday anymore. I’ll let the manager know I won’t report him, make a statement, none of that, as he’s an ex-con and other people’s life and health does not matter. I also won’t share what he did, as it’d be a shitstorm for me. The man’s one more bully I’ve allowed so far. I need to stand up for ME–to speak up for me.

I realized PCC began playing while writing this. I’d read @ExploringAstronaut’s sharing about using Emperor, and I’d wondered. PCC is needed mostly I think


#53

I recommend you check out David Snyder’s videos on youtube. I think they might help you tremendously.


#54

Can you elaborate @ExploringAstronaut?


#55

Here you go. But you should start with something easier first, than move on to things that bug you more profoundly. I did his exercise multiple times, it’s very powerful and easy


#56

I’m taking 15 minutes to write this. I’ve had reconciliation troubles lately, but me changing is…possible?

I’ve spent most of my life hiding in other’s shadows. I was the weaker, quieter one of my brothers, and I’ve looked for that same role in all male peer relationships.

I began on Ascension here for many months, and honestly, I was still clueless in where I was going. When Kahn came out, it had Total Breakdown, and with my decades long involvement with recovery issues, I jumped on. I think I was on ST1 for 1.5 months. However, it didn’t hit me like I expected, and in fact, most of my strongest Kahn memories show the Core popping up. For example, I’ve never approached a lady to talk with me thinking “we might hook up”. No. Not me. (I listed fear on my EOG “reasons I’d fail”) But my thinking changed on Kahn, and I did do that one day.

I came off Kahn due to my mom falling ill and passing, and I missed it. I came back here still expecting major (aka “instant”) changes. Maybe it was reconciliation, but I pulled off. (Maybe? hmm)

And I jumped on EOG looking for subtle thinking changes. And I was surprized by the “instant” reconciliation I encountered. I’m still facing it–and I am thoroughly stumped. Puzzled. Intrigued. Wondering “am I missing something?”

Why? Because EOG ST1 is pointing out my biggest relational weakness/copout/escape: I am hiding behind others still. At work, I’m really faced on a DAILY basis, even minute by minute. People know me like that, it’s bound with disrespect, and I’m tense and angry frequently.

I didn’t expect the (non-relational) sub to point this out. I feel like a kid stomping his foot, pouting angrily “why do I have to deal with this?!” I smiled while writing that; it’s true.

This is what I expected on Kahn TB, not EOG.

Pouting, whiny Subliminalguy out, I had to write this.


#57

How long did you listen to Regeneration?


#58

EoG ST1 and 2 hit me so hard. It was not a fun experience.


#59

I’d been doing it at night when I ran Emp4, before starting EOG. That was almost a month.
I’ve been doing it very sparingly with ST1 of EOG.

First, it feels very different from ST1, like it’s pulling a different direction. It feels like they’re on 2 separate missions, and since EOG is my main focus, I chose EOG. I want what it offers.

Second (and I only thought of this thinking of your question), Kahn ST1 actually does much, much more than Regeneration. It was likened to reusing the framing of a house vs. demolishing it and rebuilding from the ground up. I’ve never seen a similar comparison of the two ST1’s by Saint or Fire, but if it’s anything like that, I’ll take it.

And today, I got a piece (or peace) of that.

I’ve believed I am so undeserving of standing up for myself. That’s been my core belief. Today, I was scheduled to work with the same guy I worked with last Monday, the bully who gives not a shit about other’s life and health. I had spoken with one manager Wednesday saying I would not work with him.

But this driver is under a different (female) manager. And only she was working today. I saw the posted assignment, went to let the (first) manager to let him know, but he wasn’t in. I stopped at the female manager’s office, but she was talking with someone. She saw me–but the fear, hurt, and anger I’d made my original decision with…was not present.

I decided “let’s do this. Let’s see if something’s changed!”. I wasn’t full of fear, nor full of happy denial. He was actually quiet this morning, and I wondered if someone had spoken to him about last time. I let it go. As the route went on, he tried once to do his “put you down so you’ll cower to me” but I didn’t acknowledge him or react to it. I didn’t hear it again.

Midmorning, a test came on, and it wasn’t hard to hold my ground. After I changed our work responsibilities since he was doing nothing, he had a real temper tantrum since–get this–he thought he had earned some right to do nothing. Again, I didn’t react. He jumped to calling and texting our manager to have someone else do his share. I was like “sure!”, knowing he was full of himself, believing he was entitled. I found it humorous given the facts, never sharing that with him.

It never worked out like he wanted, and I stayed with him. I even had no desire to take it personally, and by midday, he treated me with more respect. I was in a continual mindset of being more mature and responsible for myself, and the rest of the day together was actually positive. No more putdowns. Just relevant conversation about our job and people we know or work with.

So, something changed in me, maybe before or maybe because of ST1. I credit ST1 since it was like nothing else I’d ever done. I felt able to handle myself, and I did. That felt good.


#60

I come here every morning, wishing and hoping to read something which motivates me. Read something good this morning.

I’m working today, looking to see how I’m different. I listened to EOG all night (I only use ultrasonic).

I have a sense I’m on that edge of change:

Good changes filled with hope for today vs.
Being a resistant, pouty kid, trying to hold on to “what is”

It’s a growth point, mostly subconscious, but my conscious mind is getting more involved. And something that clicked while writing is that the more I try to force my way into changing my subconscious, the harder it’s been for me. Subs change our subconscious mind, the framework we’ve lived by. I remind myself to get out of the way. Yesterday was like that, and it greatly helped.

I trusted the process.