EOG: No small change


#61

Regeneration was the more thorough healing tool for me, but I digress…

GOOD FUCKIN’ JOB DUDE. :clap:


#62

I don’t know about you @subliminalguy, but there is a deep understanding that I got about life.

Often, people have this ideal view of what it is to be a strong man. They think they need to easily handle a barrage of attacks, to calmly deal with annoying people, to stand up to bullies all day long.

But the reality is, this is you using your boundaries to stop something you don’t want from invading your inner space. And the “hidden” truth about boundaries is that they are like a force shield: They run on your internal power battery.

Nobody has an unlimited inner power battery. Each time you say: “No” or stand up for yourself (you or any person in this world), you deplete a huge chunk of your internal energy.

What this also means that people in stressful situations who are dealing with bullies daily will be more exhausted, more stressed, their immune system weaker, and they will age faster and be less productive than people in more peaceful environments.

So rather than trying to be a colossus of strength (which doesn’t exist), the Rambo or Achilles who stands up to invading armies or hordes of bullies by himself (Do you realize those are archetypes of Gods, not humans?), often the right step is to change the environment. To be somewhere where people are nicer.

Basically: the best “revenge” is to live a better life. To transform your existence into one that suits you and where you don’t have to deal with bullies.

Because dealing with bullies, and trying to overcome all the obstacles when you don’t need to just ages the person, exhausts them, and depletes their productive energy to build the life they want.

I remember your main goal was to build your own business and to live freely. That’s the goal to focus on. And the more you may try to become “stronger” in dealing with bullies (which implies you are keeping them in your life), the less energy you’ll have to build that vision of the life you want.

Is that worth it to you, to sacrifice the life you want, just to be a stronger cog in a wheel that isn’t really the wheel you want?

Sometimes, we get too hard on ourselves, and try to live up to unrealistic standards that may not even be serving us right.

What’s your view on this?


#63

Hey @AMASH. I caught your reply while still working. It angered me at first–but only since I was both running EOG in my pocket AND working with the bully mentioned today. I have been trying to soft peddle the fuckedupness of it, and your reply refused to coddle me. Thank you. I decided to take action for myself.

The female manager was on, and since she’s been lonely and seriously overworking herself, she’s been allowing some guys (mostly alpha dudes) to get to know her. The bully coworker is one. I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell her in person when we returned that I couldn’t work with him anymore (since he’d be with me), so I texted her telling her the same. But since she’s female and a “fixer”, I said I would answer no questions about it. I’ve seen her badger employees for answers, and my reason was I didn’t want to be a snitch.

We returned, and I clocked out. I left, and they were both still there. I began imagining her asking him why I didn’t want to work with him. I’ll see Monday if she snitched on me. I realize she’s comingled with different workers, even joined them when teasing me one time. I’m trying not to sit in tomorrow, as my thinking doesn’t look for the best. It’s worry, nothing else, me fighting tomorrow’s battles.

Note: this guy is a 30 something year old, still acting like a spoiled teenager. He spent a number of years in a Fed penn, still walks the line with those still hustling, and I’m not wishing to be around him at all. He invites trouble into his life, so snitching is not my aim at all. Just not being afraid or miserable accepting shit treatment.


#64

I was thinking of this truth the beginning of this week. While running EOG, I had this epiphany that “I’ve never once in my life wanted to be the top dog, biggest bully, worst badass”, and I felt completely at peace with that. It felt linked to Stage 2, knowing why I’m here on Earth, so I hung on to it.

You’re right. Being that person takes a LOT of energy–but I’m realizing I don’t want it.

All. Day. Long. Correct once again. Defensiveness stays in my system all day long, and I come home unhappy as well. I allow people to take my peace when I adopt this. I want to be strong for myself, not to fight people in my head or in person all day.

Also, let it be known I read your reply recently that you purposely stick to 1 subliminal at a time. I have numerous titles from SC, even Regeneration, but I’ve been running ST1 solo since that time. I can’t rush the process; no, but I can allow the reconditioning of my thinking. And both EOG and Kahn focus on what we repeatedly think.


#65

@AMASH, I’m going to answer one of the questions you sent me.

Question: Why am I not good enough?

In respect to today’s happenings, I don’t value myself much—and I consistently look for people to lift me out of my low thinking (which is manipulative) or I look to lift them out of theirs. Both are manipulative, and … it’s a continuation of the Superman syndrome (I made that up) where I’m believing a bullshit front that I’m there for you, when I’m really there for me. It’s codependency on the loose. For that, focusing on you keeps my attention off of me and my own thinking. It’s bullshitting myself finding happiness only in your own. Extreme codependency. Very dependent on you. That’s exactly how I’m thinking at work. Exactly. I’ve been dependent on anyone else for my happiness.

Me accepting shit treatment is consistently overlooked, for I always look for some goodness (as some is always found), some love, some rescue. If I find none, I often go and hide in my thoughts, finding something good there.

In relating to today, I will be angered by someone loudly believing they’re valuable. I think the loudness bothers me, not the truth. I equated being loud with dominance, conflict, and danger. The bully, a loud dominating man, represented danger on every front of my life.

Hmm…why? Because I believed that I wouldn’t be freely loved if I was loud about it–or if I openly asked for it. I needed my brothers’ attention, acceptance and love (no father), so taking from them was always seen as a threat to me receiving love. I believed I was dependent on them. I learned “this is how male relationships work for me” In modern life, I’ve tagged myself with men hoping I’d assist them in finding their own answers. But my own answers? (“Why would I do that?” I think") How? Why? Who cares? My god-figure (Mom) didn’t. So I don’t look for it in women either. I see no/low standards…and feel more at home. Something’s really fucked up there. But I won’t erase it. (Kahn began to challenge those beliefs. I knew I was in unnavigated waters while running Kahn.)

What I realize and am seeing again and again and again…

is that I see some habit or pattern which I KNOW isn’t good for me. What I’m not seeing or maybe not BELIEVING is what IS good for me. “Fuckedupness” is found all around me. What does peace, love, and emotional security look like?

Rather…what do I think it looks like? (I’ve not been looking)


#66

Thank you for the kind word and trust, man, and this really is a powerful and effective way to run subs.

What is your definition of being “freely loved”? Some details here. The answer could cause some shifts.

What is the difference between “male relationships” and “human relationships”? And is that difference absolutely necessary?


#67

It actually means deserving of love. Since love was hit and (mostly) miss growing up, I always thought it my fault I wasn’t loved. I thought I was undeserving of love. And looking at my mom in memories, she portrayed she was undeserving of love. I inherited that belief.

I use “freely” since I’ve still thought love has strings (conditions). Call me lazy, or call me self-preserving, but eyeing and meeting the conditions constantly is stressful. It feels like it did growing up. Felt it while writing. Felt underserving and the “I’m powerless to change” belief came with it. Anger. Sadness. Powerless. And unloved. I’m seeing a house I grew up in, and like then, I looked outside for love and distraction, since nothing positive was inside. Old childhood fantasies yes, thinking an aunt might love me, but no hope was found from my mom. Just writing her name, I put on the “I’ll save you (mom)” mask. She couldn’t love me, but maybe I could love her–I thought this. But I learned early on that Mom gave nothing. I lived in that fantasy of “maybe one day”. One day never happened. And all this time, I’ve blamed myself.

Makes sense why I look for love and attention at work, why I befriend some bully figures–bullies are ALWAYS talking. My mom never talked, but when she did so, it was with the loud unspoken message “LEAVE ME ALONE!” It’s what I learned. When guys speak to me, even if they’re making jabs, I’ll often be smiling for most of it since I’m receiving attention. I am “that guy” at work. :slightly_frowning_face:

I added the last 2 paragraphs above after answering the original questions. They contain the meat and potatoes of exactly how I’m living presently. This…is me day to day.

There isn’t. None at all. But I’ve only found love that made me feel strong and masculine with other males. I’ve never had such experiences with women in my life.

Same answer as above.


#68

That’s interesting. How can love be “deserved” while at the same time be “free / unconditional”?

Yes. And could she love someone else? And do you think she was capable of loving herself?

Yes.

And have you ever had the experience of learning something, finding out it’s outdated, then learning something new?

Have you ever learned something then forgotten it? eg language, guitar, bicycle, etc?

Could you describe that feeling of being “strong and masculine”? What is it to you?


#69

More accurately, I felt and believed I was undeserving of love. And my wording feels difficult for if I put it one way, I’m not owning the beliefs about it. Which is me dodging responsibility for it. I’ve lived in that hiding mentality of “I won’t be myself, but if you’re willing to stay here, I’ll share more”. It’s been quite a while since I’ve opened up. My most recent memory was while I was on Kahn TB last year.

But the other way I word it makes me own these beliefs and feelings I don’t really like. Like I identify with all the pain and uncomfortableness in it. Having no tools to handle this, I’ve often looked for an immediate escape: coffee, a movie, a walk…anything so I’m not fully in those feelings. I began making coffee, but realized I was looking to hide from what’s on my mind. I decided to be here. No coffee yet.

She acted like she was afraid to love someone, even me or her other sons. She could have if she tried. But she was very, very afraid those old feelings would own her. She held in some trauma she never shared with me. She’d be right there, with it on the tip of her lips, then pull back. She’d express guilt for putting it on me, and berate herself immediately.

She was capable, but she constantly went the other way. Alcohol was how she coped with all her feelings.

Yes. All the time. I’m actively doing that with EOG presently since my beliefs determine my life direction. What I’m learning is underlaid with some hope, for EOG challenges beliefs, but it also gives a sense that I have power to change things.

Feeling strong and masculine means my power is inside me, and I can act of it. So far in my life I’ve looked to others to remind me of how a man acts, looks, or thinks.

I’m still thinking on that–but my present beliefs hold me in a small, powerless, restricted state, and strong masculinity walks away from such thinking. I’m ready for that.


#70

I’m feeling a strong pull to my spiritual reality and truth. A part of me is really desiring it.

Yesterday, I had quite a release after my exchange with Amash. I cried numerous times, sat with it, and began looking to a different future. I don’t want a future constantly linked with yesterday’s defeats and disappointments. I do want a future with hope, freedom, and faith in God, myself, and others. (wow)

I’m considering taking next week off since I have 2 vacation weeks to use. I’m considering using it for spiritual growth. I’m using EOG for financial programming and value shifting, but Stage 1 is hitting deep, and I’m looking for roots. My relationship with God I’ve sidelined and avoided these last 3-4 years.

I can accurately say it’s EOG since I didn’t run it all day. I was around others all day, so I didn’t play it. I turned it on about 10 minutes before clocking out, and my emotions began drifting back to yesterday’s melancholy immediately.

t can also see EOG moving since my thoughts are considering actual choices I can make with the money I’ve acquired. I’ve thought about it like I was some actor in a movie before. My thinking this afternoon is like “Hey! Let’s keep our eyes on this. This is important.”

There’s some feeling of security with that, but echoing what I felt yesterday, the kind-of-scary thing I’m noticing is real grief. There’s a lot cooking in me right now. Some is even bubbling out.

Edit: Today is day 31 of ST1. I’m going to run it another full month. One day at a time.


#71

Amazing progress @subliminalguy. You’re handling a lot, and very well indeed.


#72

I’m feeling afraid of sharing presently. I just got out of the shower, and my reason why became clear.

I began writing this morning. But I stopped. Something wasn’t right. I wasn’t right. I didn’t know why. I decided to let it wait, so I did. I began feeling sad over this unrecognized feeling.

I went to work. Held my tongue most of the day, working alone, but seeing and conversing with numerous coworkers.

And sometime today, it began coming clearer: I was putting on a front anyone needed or wanted to see (so I’d have purpose), but my foundation, my norms, my hideouts, all of what I normally use to handle life…was not easily seen, much less valued, by myself. I say I was putting on a front, when actually the fronts I normally use made me feel shallow and uneasy today. That is what is bothering me now.

I feel…know… I’ve been hiding from myself a long time. I’m not sure who “me” is presently. Not on a rational level, but an emotional level. And I actually feel pain each time I’m “not me”.

I said I began writing this morning. I was feeling sorry for myself, feeling some self pity, and I began writing like “yeah, I’m ok”. It felt wrong to write, so I stopped.

I became aware of my dishonesty when a coworker came to help me, a trusted army vet I honor. He was awkward with me while talking, like he was wishing to be himself, and he courageously went forward, bumbling sometimes, but still going forward. I valued that he was honest and pretty real with me. Him showing courage gave me an example to follow. This guy is normally fully in control of himself, so the difference was very evident.


#73

Something else showed up while running EOG today.

I became aware that I’ve held back from showing excitement or joy for good things in my life. I was thinking about money, comparing future and past reactions, when I slowly became aware that I’ve always held back me showing excitement. I’d feel it, and I remembered…Mom was constantly in scarcity thinking, and she held back from much belief things would remain good. That same belief has kept me from hoping --or looking–for good in circumstances.

I realized I’d adopted that same inhibition, which doesn’t make me feel better.


#74

Lastly, I was denied taking next week off, but I requested the week after. I was approved for it.

For money reasons, this is good. I plan on getting my private bitcoin keys late next week, which are needed for a withdrawal. I’d most likely have only one business day to work with. So having the following week off is a gift. Sweet.

I sat here, wondering how I could express the relief and gladness I feel over that. :wink:


#75

I awoke early this morning. Thought I’d dress and walk down to the gas station to buy a coffee, but just kept walking around a park down my street. Came back. No major stresses this morning.

ST1 has the core, and with it, a curiosity to explore all known wealth avenues. While walking, I messaged my bitcoin miner asking for confirmation on something he told me about months back. Edit: he responded. Damn, it’s a really, really profitable deal.

I’m back, and looked up ST2 details. And this makes me happy. All my life I’ve lived with an insecurity about financially related “what if’s?” But I’ve got 3 income sources lined up already. No, make it 4.

#4 is something much bigger, for it’s based on creating or joining with a major philanthropic organization. It’s brilliant, for while it’s extremely lucrative, it’s also wise enough to balance gain with production so inflation is not spiked. Balance is essential for thriving economies.

But I bring up #4 since ST2 is leading one towards their personal goals, aims, and their inner-driven purpose. I’ve not found–or really appreciated–my own purpose. I’m slowly but steadily walking into that realization. A major reason why I’ve not identified it was that at the time I considered it, I dismissed it (not knowing this, not knowing that), essentially still being scarcity-minded myself. It was one of those great possibilities sadly dismissed, taking a loss of hope and motivation instead.

Because when I began looking at additional income opportunities 5 years back or so, I considered it so I could stay home. So I could hide from life. Having made some progress emotionally, along with steady financial attention in my life, I learned money is made to be used, not sat upon. It’s a tool that grows if used.

I’m not sure of my truest purpose, but my heart and mind is being opened up. I even listened to some of T. Harv Eker’s “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind” last night, and it spurred my thinking. The message that is on my mind is “Rich people think big”. This is becoming less and less of a fantasy and more of a reality. It’s humbling too, to put it mildly.

I want to write more, but I need to leave for work. Wished to write about taxes–why wealthy people don’t pay so much in taxes. It’s freeing to know these things :slight_smile:


#76

Yes, being on your purpose is a very powerful experience for a man. Actually, I’d say it is 50% of what it is to be a complete man among other men.

You’re going into a great direction there.

Some very deep truths in there.

I salute you on all the progress you’ve made so far. I can’t believe it’s the same person from when you first joined this forum.

By the way, you’re a very good writer. Your sentence structure is very balanced, and the emotional transfer you evoke is very real. You have voice.


#77

I’m so used to doing things alone. I just PM’d Amash sharing where I am currently.

I’m facing fear of something on a major scale. Trying to hold it inside, which is how I’ve always done it, is not helping me. While my mind has been looking into future possibilities (watching an investing webinar now), I’ve been trying to keep all my emotions inside. Trying not to feel it. It’s not working well, for I feel like poop emotionally.

I thought I’d be able to hang on to old stuff, old ways, as they have seemed to provide some emotional security.

I am realizing my big fear. I’ve felt real vulnerable, like if I felt safe, I’d just cry it out. But relying on others … scares the shit out of me. I always had or found someone with a soft heart to listen, and I’ve failed to even keep doors open for this in my life. Being hard on myself now.

Strained tears came after writing here. Fears still active.

Even considered deleting this post.


#78

A. Please reread the Instructions from Posts 16 and 28 above.

B. Study the first version of your Document, and see how your mind has changed in the last 2 weeks.

C. Update the Document, or create a new one if it feels too cluttered.


Stack Sanguine, if you just want a little emotional support – “Whatever happens, I can handle it.”

While, if a significant portion of your thoughts are about the Future – Goals, Life, and the Man you can be, – then it may be time to start stacking G2 with G1.

:+1:t2:


#79

Thanks @Simon. What I’d not stated was I’d been running ST1 non-stop, except for sleeping. It seemed to unearth something significant, and I felt compelled and required to air it among men here, which is connected to both old trauma and old power beliefs of mine which are still uneasy to own. My old fallback is “be powerless so someone can take over for you”. That truth is uncomfortable–and I share it seeking an answer to my questions of “how do I handle this?”

Even writing that last question told me my old default was believing someone else had the answer, not me. I did this when young, putting my brother in the (guilt-led) caretaker position.

So, I felt clearly uneasy taking on that old helpless role last night, but ST1 is in the thick of it.

ST1 is challenging the belief that all my answers will be found in someone else.


#80

To my “Reasons I Will Fail” I added:

Someone else has to save me since “I can’t do it”.

This very roadblock is the key to why I am where I am in life. It’s why I’ve feared success more than failure. I equated repeating this mindset and behaviour with repeating the abandonment trauma with my brother. They felt like one and the same. No different.

Thank you for chiming in Simon. You make me think, while my old survival mentality says “Follow the feelings!”