EOG: No small change


#121

Yes, this is an important issue that will give you a lot of relief once you free yourself from it. Because then, you can begin to do some things for yourself, of your own, rather than to make others happy.

I salute the wisdom and depth you show here every day!

This is an important insight. How could you use this more in your life? What opportunities, even small ones, in your day you can use to “walk the narrow dock” and focus, and therefore relax mentally and emotionally.

Maybe it does. Or maybe you are evolving and improving in ways you may have not noticed, because of all the work you are putting into yourself :slight_smile:


#122

I don’t know if you need glasses permanently but that’s the exact same trick I used to feel more confident - to filter out and focus on what’s in front of you. Seeing other people meant taking on their view of me (not usually good).


#123

Understood @Michel. I wear my glasses all the time, but in the last week my eyes have been hurting, so I took them off for that reason. But having to look at objects near me (I’m nearsighted) kept my focus right in front of me. And that set me up for me finding some peace by minding my own business.

Being on that dock felt like I separated from people a bit. I felt freedom not being owned by other people’s needs, and when I looked up and saw people just 200 feet away, I instantly went into “savior” mode. Part of me (a major part) said “NO!!!” and I looked down. I was there for me, noone else.

I took a walk today without my glasses, and noticed I often look for people’s attention by looking for their eyes, even with people driving by. Wearing no glasses while walking kept me more focused on what I thought and felt. This draws some connections now, for I didn’t start corrective lenses (via contact lenses) until I was 16. I still remembering suddenly seeing people’s faces and non-verbal expressions in high school. Before this, I kept my head down most of the time. I wasn’t “cool”, but minding my own business gave me some sanity vs. the practices of trying to please everyone.

I’m presently trying to see how I can help people without being a saviour. Dang. I just remembered a simple message while flying: put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting anyone else. I’m still learning what this means since I’ve not practiced it often. I think if a codependency sub was created by SubClub, it’d sell like hotcakes…maybe. I say that since most stout codependents are usually “right”. Without a major life crisis, they (and I) have felt quite successful “saving” people. Why would a person help themselves if their emotional lifeline was based on this? It’d have to be detoxified from gradually, IMO. Loving other people requires loving oneself first. That is the daily priority in my life, and EOG is (surprisingly) showing me still trying lying and hiding a bit.

–I just looked at my post. I began with only 2 paragraphs. I did put Sanguine in my stack today. I’m “talking” my ass off. I’m done here (but still want to write :smile:)


#124

F*** it. I’m writing more.

I have been trying to avoid the emotional pain being brought up this last hour. Before I even replied to @Michel, I planned on coming here–for me–to share the bullshit. To be honest–with me. I can bullshit others all day long, but I live with myself, and that’s the only thing I have control over. Or something like that.

I’m going to change some now. I’ve not felt strong today. EOG has been bringing up some past memories today. They were neither great nor terrible memories, BUT I noticed that right along with me seeing these memories, I had some attachment to them. And due to this battle of me vs. EOG, I began to feel sad. Like it was being pulled away.

Memories like:

  • Being a kid with my daughter when she was young. I hung to the “security” of me acting young as long as I could. I did feel like a kid when with her. These times allowed a lot of letting my inner kid out, and I cherished it.

  • Being a kid at work as a substitute teacher. I was so easygoing, but also in control of myself, that kids allowed themselves to be young too (a lot of the time). This was my own emotional training ground too, for when I tried to be in control (of a class not normally structured) it caused problems. I learned to listen and look for cues so i could adapt to what worked. That’s a teacher’s true skill: adapting themselves to meet the group’s felt needs. I loved that daily challenge.

I am an INFP, so both teaching and parenting were gifts to myself (or something like that :blush: )

But part of me knows…I moved on. Life has changed.

However, I was clearly touched today since I texted my daughter, and she replied.
She doesn’t normally reply, but she did today. And that’s when I began reminiscing. I miss her. And living closer to her is my goal since…yeah…we both need it. That’s what’s been on my heart today. EOG may be helping me acquire wealth, but one clear goal is to allow me to be in her life on a regular basis again (we live in different states). Sniffle, sniffle.


#125

I’ve had an unusually rough day today, sparked by my exchange announcing an additional withdrawal fee early this morning once I made noise I was moving toward a withdrawal. I felt really out of control. But in the last six hours, specifically this last hour, I’m seeing something much clearer which sparked my anxiety. EOG is pointing out my repressed anger. It’s very uncomfortable.

I watched a Jordan Peterson video which I’ve put below, and 95% of my life, I’ve been agreeable with people. I would do anything to not be confrontational, start a fight, or have people reject me due to my own anger. I swallowed it mostly. That was before SubClub.

I’m in the spot presently where I’m really attracted to this emotional independence, this self-care and dignity, and the freedom from simply standing one’s ground. This stuff looks awesome!

What I realized today is that this mentality is completely opposite from what my survival beliefs have put in me. It is the main reason I pulled off Emperor 4. Anger was surfacing, and every norm I’ve followed felt threatened. It was no picnic for me, as Emperor doesn’t push one now; it pushes one like one missed something yesterday. Emperor has loads of supportive scripting to keep one going, but anger still makes me feel real young; ie. helpless. Those beliefs came from my upbringing, and I’ve often dissociated from anger, mentally and emotionally. I realized today I wanted to resort to old coping mechanisms like 'I can’t do this. I need help". I even began a post this morning, but scrapped it knowing…it was giving my power away. I’ll cut off the explanation now.

So, I am wondering how to face this. I can “think” all day, but I’m listening for subconscious clues or nudges suggesting something.

One came up: get crayons and art paper and draw. I did this when I first got married and lived with in-laws after the 2004 hurricanes. i began drawing out how I felt, and in the scratch I’d put down, I suddenly saw my anger in that block, my sadness in that line going down…stuff like that. Just like journaling, this made it very very real for me. It was like a creation stemming from Mind’s Eye, for psychological healing. I expressed emotion without identifying it, then I saw it clearly right in front of me.

It’s officially labelled art therapy. I’m heading out, going to the store to search for crayons and paper. I wanna do this again.


#126

You are touching the heart of a sensitive part of yourself. It is rough.

At the same time, we are a group of men, we support each other, there is no shame in getting help and giving help.

Could it be that help is “neutral,” but the mentality behind getting help is what determined whether it is weakness, or multiplying your strength by getting access to the strength of others? :slight_smile:

I am a firm believer in expressing your emotions through art. Keep going!


#127

Feeling some deep regret currently. I ran ST1 all day yesterday, all last night, and I’m still running it.

Regret is from me turning back to old ways, old survival stuff I’ve used and used every time I become aware of something uncomfortable, and I’m getting glimpses of this glaring distance between me…and all of life…life right next to me…in my neighborhood…anywhere I go or even think of going. I turn to inner shields faster than…well, immediately.

I’ve been hiding. But I’ve been hiding from myself. I did some art therapy yesterday (just crayons and paper), and in a single undramatic 5-minute drawing, I revealed more about myself than I’ve seen in years. It was extremely clear.

Me hiding and lying to myself is what I’m seeing. This is what needs to change.


#128

I’m realizing I put this shield up too in this forum. When I walked away from my laptop, I became aware of it. Just another front.


#129

You mean acting as if you are someone you aren’t?


#130

I’m so used to giving the expected response out of fear, so I’ll change it and answer from what I feel.

I give responses 100% of the time to ensure that you think I’m a nice guy. This front disguises my truth since it makes me look acceptable. My trouble within does not stem from the dishonesty with you. It stems from the dishonesty with myself, because that’s the real person I am betraying.


#131

Everyone got this problem here. You are at the perfect place haha


#132

Thank you for asking the question. I could have gone and been nice, or even been irritated since you asked for honesty. But my honest truth sits in me. I did not want to wrestle with myself after posting a half truth, so I did what was right by me and told the truth. Thank you for asking.


#133

A song. Another one.

One of millions. But this one is deeply emotional for me. It touches me. I even watched the Conan video where Disturbed did it live. Seeing the instruments, the emotion, and its passion just…gripped me. Something clearly clicked.

I used to write like that. Purposefully. Intentionally. And emotionally honest. Being honest starts with me, so if my first audience (me) senses deception, I stop. Just stop. Nothing’s gained by me for writing cold and distantly.

I miss doing this. I’m wishing to do it more. If people can move others with music, one can do it with words too. Some clearly do. I think of @SaintSovereign’s copywriting skills, for I often stay in his emails…since his words keep me there.

But just like music, some write without emotion. Without connection. I don’t read some marketer’s emails since they…say nothing. Nothing I came to hear.

Which, for me, is like the words in this song:

“People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share”

I am an artist at heart. Practice makes perfect. And I’m actively working on my fears of being honest. Even today. I’ve done it a bit in my time here. But this song stuck with me, as the singer’s courage, vocal strength, and artistry come together brilliantly.

Motivating me to reach higher.
Being vulnerable if prompted.
But most importantly, doing so honestly.
For myself first.

(I’m fighting that critical parent in me presently, not giving him room to speak)

I’m going to do this more. I need this.


#134

Who I’ve thought I am is being shaken.

I listened to ST1 all last night, and it’s digging. Not violently, but it is digging. I’m realizing I still hold myself back with old beliefs AND that I use those beliefs to justify avoiding success. I feel less like a man, more like an injured teenager.

I even wondered if EOG was the best fit…for me. (I had to force myself to write “for me”) Part of it is because I’m trying to hide behind success.


#135

A truth I realized. I constantly try to put the image out there that I’m man enough. The farce that hit me was I don’t believe I’m man enough.

Now that I realize it, this conflict has been sitting with me a few days. Yesterday morning I felt uncomfortable wearing this front, so I put on A&C seeking some balance. Then I actually listened to Commander my first time. I felt glimmers of being in control of myself again.

I then followed a suggestion given, and I went out for ice cream, alone. I decided to put on Emp4 while out. I desired some imagined status among people, I detected a bit, but I was much more aware I was trying to put on a front so others could validate me. I purposely stopped looking for looks and validation. I needed to give it to myself. So, while sitting eating ice cream, people were walking by, but I kept my eyes on my dish and receipt in front of me. I must have read my receipt a hundred times.

I’m getting really tired of reliving and repeating the “I’m enough” game.

I imagined stacking EQ with ST1. I feel like I’m asking permission–nice guy standards. I’m not sure if it’s best or not.


#136

@subliminalguy I completely empathize with what you wrote and at the same time I think it’s something a lot of guys go through but don’t talk about. Feeling good enough or " man " enough. That’s why my main goal will continue to be to as I said in my Total Breakdown journal about mental and emotional self reliance. The ability to be free and live your life the way you want without the mental and emotional hangups. That last part sounds almost identical to part of the Ascension sales page but it’s what I want


#137

This video is more applicable to where I’m at now.


#138

“If your ‘why’ doesn’t make you cry, it’s not your why”

From the video above. That sounds very true, and I’ll keep my eyes open for these signals.

I’ve tried not to write much today, to not reveal much to myself. I’ve been hearing and listening to the mental training in this video, and…it works. Quitting on myself doesn’t/will not/has never worked. I’m back up, challenging my own thinking—and this feels much more honorable than sliding under covers to hide.

I walked already today, but I’m out again. Challenging my fearful voices.


#139

I’m going through some change using ST1.

I’m beginning to notice 2 things that are shifting. I’m going to write the one which I noticed last night first. I’ve been running it 24/7 the last few days, and I took the cue to not run it last night. It didn’t feel like reconciliation. No, I just realized I was pushing myself with it. I considered posting here, but what was coming up was too new. I realize I like to be in control, and thoughts began making sense.

What was coming up was an uncomfortableness with how I’ve been coping running ST1. I felt phony. The words which were sticking in my mind were “running scripts”, like acting out some scripted part in life vs. following intuitions of mine. All my life I have looked for someone to give me directions on choices. I’m 48, yet I still think like a young teenager in this regard. And no one is around to tell me “do this, do that, go here”. I’ve been trying out different things which looked “normal”. I feel empowered sharing that. I really do. I feel like I’m trying new identities just like teenagers do. That feels like real change for me. Real change. I see part of me growing. This is big. I’m remembering high school as I write, though I’m not attached to images I see. I can do this…or do that. What do I want to do? This is a new…and awesome :slight_smile:

The second change which has come on is a steady awareness of my choices to be productive and efficient, or habitually fearful and hesitant. Last night, and this morning too, I have this mentality in me to avoid those actions which are, in fact, me avoiding making something happen. I committed in my head that I wanted to write this morning, so I got sleep knowing I wanted to jump up and begin when I awoke. Snoozing my alarm clock would be an act of fear and avoidance. So I got up minutes after hearing my alarm, feeling good about doing something different. I know when things are on my mind to share, I usually take some time writing. Snoozing would have been sabotaging this possibility, so I got up quickly.

Related to that, I was also thinking about teaching our subconscious what we want by taking action. And it feels good taking action. I’m allowing the changes. I smiled since having EOG remind me repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly about something is pretty persistent and obvious. It sounds like Iron Throne. That’s what’s going on with me.


#140

I have played small. I’m having trouble writing since I know what I want to say, but the old me is fighting for his life.

First off, I’m running masked presently. Secondly, I watched some America’s Got Talent on YT, and I was touched by a young guy with a “Ready, Fire, Aim” mentality. He knew he had talent, made a statement to himself and his parents that he was going to succeed there, and he did. His dad cried when he told him of his plans, for he knew his son had a habit of always hitting his goals.

I then took a shower and thought about my life presently. I’ve been thinking of ST2, but I’ve not been sure.

I thought of Dr. Glover’s statement in No More Mr. Nice Guy. He said he’s had a number of professional and successful clients among them, yet he said that undoubtedly nice guys do not reach their full potential.

I rethought my plans for ST1. ST1 is supposed to root out all our mental roadblocks and stuff we use to hold us back. I’ve considered quitting numerous times, though I’ve not admitted it. Each and every time it would have been for an easier sub. Choose any. I’ve thought about them. Quitting is EASY, which is why I’ve considered it. I’ll chase this fantasy, when I’m hoping noone—scratch that–that I don’t see that I quit.

When I thought of the AGT guy singing and sharing his story, I felt without. Without all the loving support he had. But more so, without belief in myself. That loud unspoken dynamic moved the entire audience, and he got a golden buzzer since he had something really valuable
in him. He infected the whole audience with it. I was in tears myself.

This might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m strongly considering ST1 for full 3rd month. Belief in myself? I don’t have it. I turn to men constantly to believe in me. Because I really don’t. I’ve even equated believing in myself with being shady or deceptive. That would be me seeking to bluff me and everybody else that I really believed in myself when I really didn’t. It’s stressful just imagining this lie.

I don’t want to do that. This kind of scares the shit out of me, but I’ve often experienced the most change in the 2nd and 3rd month on a subliminal. I will do this. I will take effort to believe in myself.

About March 17 is 60 days. I’ll play it to mid-April. I even doubted myself during the course of writing this.