I have played small. I’m having trouble writing since I know what I want to say, but the old me is fighting for his life.
First off, I’m running masked presently. Secondly, I watched some America’s Got Talent on YT, and I was touched by a young guy with a “Ready, Fire, Aim” mentality. He knew he had talent, made a statement to himself and his parents that he was going to succeed there, and he did. His dad cried when he told him of his plans, for he knew his son had a habit of always hitting his goals.
I then took a shower and thought about my life presently. I’ve been thinking of ST2, but I’ve not been sure.
I thought of Dr. Glover’s statement in No More Mr. Nice Guy. He said he’s had a number of professional and successful clients among them, yet he said that undoubtedly nice guys do not reach their full potential.
I rethought my plans for ST1. ST1 is supposed to root out all our mental roadblocks and stuff we use to hold us back. I’ve considered quitting numerous times, though I’ve not admitted it. Each and every time it would have been for an easier sub. Choose any. I’ve thought about them. Quitting is EASY, which is why I’ve considered it. I’ll chase this fantasy, when I’m hoping noone—scratch that–that I don’t see that I quit.
When I thought of the AGT guy singing and sharing his story, I felt without. Without all the loving support he had. But more so, without belief in myself. That loud unspoken dynamic moved the entire audience, and he got a golden buzzer since he had something really valuable
in him. He infected the whole audience with it. I was in tears myself.
This might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m strongly considering ST1 for full 3rd month. Belief in myself? I don’t have it. I turn to men constantly to believe in me. Because I really don’t. I’ve even equated believing in myself with being shady or deceptive. That would be me seeking to bluff me and everybody else that I really believed in myself when I really didn’t. It’s stressful just imagining this lie.
I don’t want to do that. This kind of scares the shit out of me, but I’ve often experienced the most change in the 2nd and 3rd month on a subliminal. I will do this. I will take effort to believe in myself.
About March 17 is 60 days. I’ll play it to mid-April. I even doubted myself during the course of writing this.