I’ll be real. I got off the phone with my ex-wife a half hour ago, for her city and her company are taking a lot of precautions with the Corona virus. But she shared something that has me feeling sad. She’s with a guy, and they’re serious. Ok, that didn’t touch me really. What touches me is she shared he’s a lot like me temperament-wise. I’m dwelling on it since I fear and remember some motives of mine while courting her after our separation. I tried, and I was also afraid of being successful too. It makes me wonder about who I am, who I’ve been, for despite all the adult logic involved, I felt drawn to her for her role as a mother figure. That’s why sex wasn’t good with us. The adult logic was preached, but I thought, felt, and acted like a little boy around her. I chose her to meet old needs mostly.
Fear cropped up while writing that last sentence, and I emotionally froze for a minute. That’s one of those embarrassing truths that I have held to. Which means I lived like this, but I kept it hush-hush. That’s why it saddens me. I’m finally becoming aware of my motives AND have tools and willingness to deal with it.
Important: today I got closer to see why I’ve been afraid of my anger. Some things just started clicking, and I wasn’t afraid to look at it. It wasn’t hard at all.
ST1 is allowing me to see this.
I did make a positive day today, despite some initial fatigue. I chose to realize all day that I enjoy my job, what it provides (I’m referring to relationships I have there), and I really value the physical activity in it. I felt really good about myself, feeling like an example for one guy today, and laughing and smiling was easy.
I’ll also admit that since finishing work, I’m actively looking and searching for things that make me feel good. Even with the emotional reminder above, I’m GRATEFUL I have ST1. I’m seeing more and more elements revealing themselves. I chose to work fast today. That made me feel good. I enjoyed a 30 minute walk cleaning up a large area at work the last hour. I’m seeing myself seeking the good in my days.
I guess ST1 is allowing me to see my pain, yet it’s helping me to see there’s good right along with it. That’s life on life’s terms. Being able to see that feels good.