EOG: No small change


#141

I don’t normally dream much or remember dreams, but this woke me up.

I dreamt someone came and wrote something like “this is the biggest waste of a journal”. I immediately flagged it.

I internalized it, but I didn’t react since me reacting defending myself is a farce. My words would have been indirect and hidden. My pain isn’t due to someone coming and being an asshole. My pain is due to someone blatantly coming and saying “I do not believe in you”. I’ve never admitted that before.

It sounds like reason to stick with ST1 another month. Like my subconscious is bringing out my truth which I hide from myself.

On another note, listening overnight was stressful. I woke up 20 minutes before my alarm…no, I woke up a few times during my 6 hour rest. I won’t listen tonight.


#142

I have found that someone saying I can’t do it, laughing at me, or rooting against me can be turned into powerful motivation.
Looking back on some of my biggest successes, often the thing that really pushed me was that everyone was saying I couldn’t do it (frequent occurrence in my life) or trying to tear me down. That can engage a passion in me that no amount of kindness and support can touch.
Maybe it would help you to shift your thinking a bit and rather than wishing for that part of you (or that other person if it wasn’t a dream) to believe in you, you get mad and determined to prove them wrong.
I don’t mean to sound harsh here, but that mindset has helped me.


#143

I have no desire to prove anyone anything. It was a dream–I didn’t lie–and I realized while writing about it that I was the person putting myself down in the dream. Getting angry at myself doesn’t sound very helpful.

This is not me wishing for change. I am cooperating with the subliminal, following nudges, even responding when hiding (a major habit of mine) seemed safer. It’s not wishing at all. Taking action, which I’ve focused on regularly, is me training myself that I’m worth something. Even a tiny action is a positive step.

I was angered after reading the reply around 9, but I did what I habitually do, and I buried it from my awareness. I didn’t notice myself being angry, but a coworker called out to me after lunch while I was walking through our shop. He called me by name and said “you’re acting depressed”. I didn’t respond, but I thought about it. And even with just wondering if I were angry, I felt the uneasy feelings of me swallowing it. I’d been moving slower today, so me acting depressed made sense.

And damn, I just realized something while writing here. Though I felt I was talked down to, my focus is on not being rejected. Fuck. Normal nice guy behavior. That makes me mad.

So yeah @COWolfe, it did piss me off. It wasn’t harsh. It was wrong.


#144

My apologies. I suppose maybe I didn’t read you your post right at three AM. For the record, I’ve found your journals to be excellent and quite helpful.


#145

Thank you @COWolfe. That comment means a lot.

I’m not sure if it came right before or after your comment yesterday, well I think it came before, but my awareness of me opening up increased from the time I committed to 3 months of ST1. I’ve blown up while using subliminals before, and it’s often been when a sub drives right into a spot in my mind which I’ve tried to keep suppressed and hidden–from myself.

SC subs don’t usually do that, and it didn’t this time either. I actually opened the door. I felt vulnerable, I was scared, and I quickly escalated when I felt misread. I was all emotion yesterday, sliding between scared, frozen, and angry.

Thank you for not taking it personally on your side.


#146

I get it man. I just tend to deal with it a bit differently. Don’t worry about me taking anything personally, I rarely do.


#147

I’ll be real. I got off the phone with my ex-wife a half hour ago, for her city and her company are taking a lot of precautions with the Corona virus. But she shared something that has me feeling sad. She’s with a guy, and they’re serious. Ok, that didn’t touch me really. What touches me is she shared he’s a lot like me temperament-wise. I’m dwelling on it since I fear and remember some motives of mine while courting her after our separation. I tried, and I was also afraid of being successful too. It makes me wonder about who I am, who I’ve been, for despite all the adult logic involved, I felt drawn to her for her role as a mother figure. That’s why sex wasn’t good with us. The adult logic was preached, but I thought, felt, and acted like a little boy around her. I chose her to meet old needs mostly.

Fear cropped up while writing that last sentence, and I emotionally froze for a minute. That’s one of those embarrassing truths that I have held to. Which means I lived like this, but I kept it hush-hush. That’s why it saddens me. I’m finally becoming aware of my motives AND have tools and willingness to deal with it.

Important: today I got closer to see why I’ve been afraid of my anger. Some things just started clicking, and I wasn’t afraid to look at it. It wasn’t hard at all.

ST1 is allowing me to see this.

I did make a positive day today, despite some initial fatigue. I chose to realize all day that I enjoy my job, what it provides (I’m referring to relationships I have there), and I really value the physical activity in it. I felt really good about myself, feeling like an example for one guy today, and laughing and smiling was easy.

I’ll also admit that since finishing work, I’m actively looking and searching for things that make me feel good. Even with the emotional reminder above, I’m GRATEFUL I have ST1. I’m seeing more and more elements revealing themselves. I chose to work fast today. That made me feel good. I enjoyed a 30 minute walk cleaning up a large area at work the last hour. I’m seeing myself seeking the good in my days.

I guess ST1 is allowing me to see my pain, yet it’s helping me to see there’s good right along with it. That’s life on life’s terms. Being able to see that feels good.


#148

I came home and switched from listening to ST1 on my phone to listening on my PC. I didn’t expect any realization in the first hour I listened, but an uncomfortable awareness became apparent.

First off, I didn’t come straight home. I stopped at a corner store and bought a large coffee, even finishing it before I came back home. Then, while listening on ultrasonic, I chose to watch a collection of funny auditions for America’s Got Talent on YT. It was during watching the video that I became uncomfortable. When I took a minute to consider the reason, something showed itself.

I used coffee to hold back my emotions that listening at home allows to surface. I know I’ve used it to avoid my emotions since I began drinking it occasionally in college.

Then, watching funny videos was another tool to avoid myself. I’d watch an act, then fantasize about being able to pull that off myself. When I couldn’t go into that mental escape mode so easily, I felt uncomfortable since my emotions weren’t going away. They were getting stronger.

This is the very first time I was emotionally and mentally aware of my reasons for my actions, and my thought process seemed more objective and distant, without being punitive. I asked myself if I was happy doing this, and I actually listened. No, it doesn’t make me happy. It makes me angry and anxious about myself, like I’m setting myself up to feel like a failure. It’s self-sabotage, nothing less.

A major difference in how I’m processing this is I’m using my thinking more in dealing with this. My well-used fallback has always been me using my emotions to steer me. This keeps me looping in my old feelings, and the self-sabotage is much more vivid now. Because misguided emotions lead to misguided results. I speak from experience, and this new way of handling it allows a lot more freedom from getting stuck in … shitty emotional spots. Thank you for creating this @Fire and @SaintSovereign.


#149

I was going to write about this last night, but my post was much more detailed than expected, so I left it. I also knew it was based in insecurity.

People looking for financial examples from someone using EOG might be thoroughly confused reading my journal the last few weeks. 90% of my writing is dealing with emotional hangups of mine. What’s that got to do with finances?

In my day to day experience, it’s got everything to do with finances and long-term goals. Up to this point in my life, I’ve kept my growth and wealth small since having either threatened my trained norm of “keep yourself safe. Don’t change! Hiding from challenges is the safest route”. I have unconsciously done exactly what my mother did. And I’m going for 3 months with EOG since day by day I’m seeing old destructive roots which try to still keep me small. Presently, I’m between some grief and a growing internal strength. The grief stems from letting go of singular roots, and compared to the subtle misery of hiding and stuffing my awareness of them inside, it’s freeing and desirable. I feel excitedly initially when I see some hangup showing itself. It’s like EOG is the least expensive therapy I’ve ever experienced, and I’m becoming much more involved. Listening is easy, but I am working with it to allow the changes which are prompted. Seriously, I’d purposely ignored such hangups for years since I didn’t have continual reminders and motivation to make the changes. That’s why I recirculated my mental junk for years. Iron Throne is a true gift to remind us that we need to move forward.

Also, I’m in a rare spot among individuals, as I’ve already acquired enough finances to work with, preserve, and multiply for generations to come. So I’ve not been stressed with “how am I going to do this?” In @Simon’s early suggestions of doing a wealth journal, he specifically pointed us to seek what a wealthy lifestyle looked like, and he shared it isn’t about money alone. For me, this correction and self-healing is the one thing I’ve focused on for 20+ years, so this is exactly why I write about it so much. And being able to handle such wealth is dependent on thinking correctly, perceiving situations and opportunities correctly.

Wealth is internal. It’s all mental. So having poor and painful thinking produces like in return. I DON’T like daily pain, so hell yes, I’ll do 90 days. That mental freedom is priceless. That’s the real digging for gold I’ve desired. This is why I’m here with SC. I’m seeking freedom, and EOG ST1 is showing me it exists. I’m in.


#150

I’m wavering. Considering stacking EmpQ due to the positivity.

I’m wavering since I PM’d Saint last week asking to join the group. And an hour or so later, I changed my mind, knowing something was wrong in my original motive for asking. He’s seeking volunteers again, and it appears attractive since I’ve been in a slump today.

The second part of this day I’ve been down. Tired too. Some reconciliation is happening. My biggest challenge today was my female manager confronted me in the presence of other workers, shaming and guilting me for not choosing to be a driver. I’d given her an official statement a year back telling her I was passing on it. I didn’t state why (my bitcoin account was growing rapidly, and I’ve fantasized about leaving). My original stance feels weak. I feel weak.

Why so? Something became clear to me in the last 24 hours. I realized why I’ve avoided the driving offer. It’s the same reason I went back to school after getting my BA to get teaching credentials… and not completing it. I stopped with only 3 classes left to finish.

My reason for both is it touches that abandonment pain from early childhood. If I became a driver, I’d be independent…not having a team around me, even a dysfunctional one. This makes me feel the pain that I’ve avoided my whole life. While I’d appear strong and solo, my heart and mind still seek something from my early years. When I went back for teaching classes, this became apparent to me, and I was soon just going through the motions. The emotions were loud and strong–every single day–which is why I bowed out.

So that’s what’s stirring my mind and emotions presently. That root is very much alive and kicking to be heard and healed.

Regarding EmpQ, I don’t want to choose it primarily to distract me.


#151

I need to admit something. What I wrote earlier was not the truth. It sounded good. It just wasn’t true. I wrote:

When under pressure to perform, I’d love to lie and hide more like I used to. It was easy. Undetected (I hope, but I don’t think so). And normal for me. I didn’t have to face anyone or anything I didn’t want to, because it all covered the truth.

My truth: I was afraid people would depend on me, and this was something that playing small prevented. It made other people the responsible ones around me. For some reason, I’ve run from this. There is a pain I feel, likely from self-condemnation when people jump in to cover for me, a fully competent adult. This is true. But admitting to this reminds me of the shame I’ve lived in, and even created with these very choices of mine.

I just read what I’d wrote, and realized I’ve hidden from responsibility since I often felt like a failure growing up around brothers who needed quick results. Hiding behind “I can’t…” had my brothers filling in for me. I think I’m just scared of feeling like a failure again. Part of me is desiring to hang on to it still.


#152

I was just reading @Michel’s thread and his interaction with @Malkuth. While reading it, I relaxed a little. For me, when I’m consistently on other people’s threads, I’m realizing I want something. What do I need right now?

I’m needing some camaraderie, some edifying connections somewhere. I can believe everything I’m feeling and thinking, but it feels really good to have someone remind me my thoughts aren’t all real. Having people reflect some truth back to me feels good.

I’d planned to meet up with a friend to play our money game this weekend, but since his son homeschools, he said they’re isolating this weekend due to the corona virus.

I have to leave these premises. I don’t like hearing my neighbor constantly bitching about anything and everything. I don’t like the feeling of people controlling through negativity.

I spot it, I got it. I check myself. I’m going to mix some loops of Emp4 in today


#153

I began that post on the thread I began seeking help with the shame coming up on ST1. I said I’d continue it here.

I wished to clarify something I wrote last week about why I’ve avoided being a driver for my company. My corrected answer was people would depend on me. Today I was thinking on this, for I knew that again something hadn’t been honest. And with me outing myself about the shame I’ve felt lately, I felt uninhibited to be more honest with myself. Something kind of obvious, and emotional, came up.

I have feared people depending on me. But failing wasn’t what I am afraid of. I’ve been terrified people would get to know the real me, for if they did, they would see what I see daily. They would see the damaged, rejectable, and undesirable person I’ve actually thought I am. This is what shame grew in me, and I’ve hidden it daily. There’s a constant fear that if people see me (how I see me) they will quickly vacate and never return. I was reading in No More Mr. Nice Guy this weekend, and a core belief I have is “I’m not allowed to be the real me”. Doing so risks rejection. Being nice is aimed at avoiding that.

Meanwhile, EOG is working on it fiercely. Tears of pain and freedom came up just now.


#154

What if people like you for being “damaged”?

How is EQ different from Khan/Ascension so far?


#155

Yes!

@Michel in my opinion, this one question alone and its timing and context demonstrate, better than 60 paragraphs would, the heights, depths and groundedness that you’re reaching in your journey.