Fidelity, honoring myself and expressing the truth


#41

Was talking with a friend today. He’s burned out with music so he’s taken a long hiatus from it. I thought about it to, but to be honest I can’t stay away from music. I always come back to it. But I think maybe a week or two off would do me some good. Just so I don’t feel pressured to create.

I’m just inspired by so many great artists and then I go in to make something and get frustrated because I have trouble finishing stuff. I can work past it, but I’m tired of doing that. I want the process to flow and currently it’s the exact opposite of that. And I’m only making it worse by continually forcing myself to write when I’m stressed about it.


#42

Not pressuring myself to make music has felt good. I think I needed a break and I didn’t listen to my intuition. The fear of not getting better or losing time pushed me to keep making stuff, but I was thoroughly burned out. I wasn’t being productive at all, despite finishing a few songs. My mental state was all wrong and it was hurting me. I’m re listening to some tracks I did and it doesn’t feel like I have that tunnel visioned anxiety of picking out every flaw or mistake. I can hear the whole of it, not just the parts I was insecure about.

If I’m telling the truth, yeah I get bummed out when I work hard on something and nobody recognizes it. I remember when I was younger my dad was curious about what I made so I played him the track. He legit fell asleep lol. It was a mellow dnb tune, but still that’s not a good feeling. I knew it wasn’t great, but it just felt like a massive blow to my self esteem because I had spent hours on it. He was supportive and sincere about telling me I did a good job. But I could tell the music didn’t move him the way it did for me. And being the sensitive impressionable person I was, I felt like I had failed.

I actually played some music for a few people at a bonfire last friday. One of the tracks they really liked. And at that moment I knew I still had a TON of limiting beliefs with my music. Despite this person telling me directly to my face and vibing out to the song, I still had doubts that they really liked it. They had mentioned wanting to check out more of my stuff and I told them I’d give them the soundcloud later, but it never came up again and I just felt incredibly awkward about giving it to them. But that’s the type of stuff I really need to overcome. I can feel my subconscious literally closing me off to opportunities. Similar to what Saint dealt with regarding his wealth ceiling, I’m pretty sure I have the same exact thing with my music. Even if I get the opportunities, even if people want to listen to more of my stuff, I will in some way shape or form stop myself from progressing. No wonder Stark screwed with me so bad, fame is not something my subconscious deems “safe” that’s for damn sure.

But anyway I was listening to other artists today and feeling kinda bummed that my music wasn’t out there. That it wasn’t really all there. And then I decided that I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing, try to enjoy the process as much as possible, and people will either like what I write or they won’t. No more starting projects and worrying about how to make it good enough for others to accept. I can’t make a song others will accept, it just happens. So the best thing I can do is just keep creating and eventually I’ll start writing things that connect with others. If my music isn’t at that point yet where other’s perceive it as “good” that’s ok, I’ll just keep working on my craft. But I won’t ruminate on thoughts like my music being shit or nobody ever going to like my stuff or that I just can’t write good music.


#43

Listening to Elixir Ultima tonight. I think I’m going to work more with this Ultima title. I think it will compliment Blue Skies.

Lately I’ve been feeling this sense of being directionless. I’m still on my break from music. I’ve been getting urges to sit down and write, but I’m holding off. I’m trying to teach myself that time away is just as important as time working on it. Mostly to get rid of that sense of panic that I’m “losing time”. That’s a shitty feeling.

But as the days go by, more and more I realize how I was using music as an escape for myself. There’s something more fundamental going on with me that has to be addressed. Getting the right job, making a living off my music, meeting new people, etc. I kept telling myself once I reach this or that things will be ok for me. I just don’t think that’s true anymore. The only thing really important is what’s going on inside of me and I keep neglecting that a lot.

All these things I’m striving for, they should feel like something I’m doing for myself whether personal fulfillment or enjoyment. And I’ll be quite honest I rarely feel that in my life. My biggest motivator in my life for pushing as hard as I do for everything is so I’m not a complete fuck up in life or to prove my worth somehow. But as I’ve grown these past few months I’ve dipped into what can only be described as a state of complete apathy for appearing put together for others. And I’ve realized just how much of a barrier that was to actually even begin to unravel my emotional damage that needs healing.

At the same time my tolerance for the bullshit in the world is at an all time low. Perfect example how this company expected me to not only travel but stay in another state which at the moment has a ridiculously high rate of covid. Honestly I’m tired of shit like this. I’m tired of dealing with fucking people like this. It’s part of the reason I’ve been putting off another job, I’m in such a mood where I don’t give a fuck about office politics, appearing nice, or status. But the result of that isn’t confidence, it’s contempt. This needs to transition over into something more refined, but as of right now I’m incredibly dysfunctional because I’m just pissed all the time.


#44

Do I want to change? That’s always the question and the answer is yes and no. Which is conflicting.

I fear change because deep down I have this belief and feeling that good things don’t last. Life isn’t actually happy for anyone, we all just deal with it in our own ways. Even if I got to where I wanted I wouldn’t trust myself to not screw it up or panic and destroy it. Is it possible to fear happiness? I think so. But more so fear of it being taken away. The only thing worse than depression and having a troubled life is the realization that things were once good and now you can’t get back no matter how hard you try.

After my last camping trip a few months ago, hanging out with friends, talking, being away from the world I know, having clarity of mind, it felt great. And I went home and unpacked. And later on that night I cried. I cried because I didn’t know how to get that feeling of freedom and peace in my actual life. To have something that good and then all the bad flood in and remind me that it’s all only temporary, it hurt.

I fully recognize the impact of this in my life. But I get really annoyed when people try to make it seem like it’s JUST fear. As if fear can be shrugged off like some mildly unpleasant thought. No, it’s not that easy for me. It’s never been that easy. And my constant struggle with overcoming this is directly proportional to not a lot of people understanding just how crippling it is. I couldn’t talk on a phone for years, that’s so fucking embarrassing. It’s because nobody can see the mental stuff, nobody can understand how it influences your life and closes off opportunities. All they see is the outward behavior that looks odd or not trying hard enough or weak. And years of that just turns into guilt and shame vs processing those things in a healthy way.

I’m trying to be here for myself. What I’ve learned is I’m a really complex person and I want to push that all aside in favor of making my interaction with people easier. But by doing so there goes 90% of who I am and spikes the anxiety of actively trying to monitor and hide it from people every day. I think happiness for me is when I don’t feel fear about being myself, I don’t feel the need to hide anything, I don’t bottle shit up because someone makes a really ignorant comment on what I struggle with, and I don’t close myself off to people when they try to get closer to me. It’s not an artificial overly inflated self confidence. Confidence is the absence of fear of being your 100% authentic self. I’ve never had that, but I feel like that’s where I need to be in life.


#45

I’m back up to two loops. I can do this, I know I can. My mistake was ignoring what was brought up and trying to avoid it vs face it. It wasn’t the exposure, it was me not prioritizing things and letting it stack up too high. And then continuing to ignore it.

That being said a massive weight has been lifted. I don’t have to attend this tradeshow in January. Meaning I don’t have to worry about my job being on the line anymore. And my relief is immense. Got one more day till a nice christmas break. Things are shifting, I feel it in myself. My openness to accepting good things happening in my life. It’s small but I can feel it.


#46

2 loops is bringing up a lot, but I’m going to keep moving through.

I wake up feeling awful. You’d think 8 hours of sleep would have me processing stuff, but I have my suspicions that even when I sleep I’m not actively addressing my problems. I used to use sleep to escape my emotional problems, so I’m wondering if that’s an association built up in my head now. I find I need at least an hour or two, just calmly sitting with my emotions, asking what’s going on, why do I feel like this before I can carry on with my day without feeling like I’m grinding through it. Problem is, that doesn’t work on the weekdays when I have work. So I have to put all of it aside and do my work, but it stacks up and at the end of the day I have to deal with it. So it’s that kind of stuff where I have no real solution except to take the crappy one. I mean if I really looked after my mental health on the days it’s really bad I’d just use a sick day vs powering through out of some sense of guilt of needing to be productive or a good worker.

I’m going through a lot in my head right now. Most notably getting by in life while juggling this self improvement. It’s hard because I’m not there yet and every day life seems to weight heavy on me. It’s like trying fill up a cup with water but it’s got a hole in it and it leaks water. I don’t know the answer other than to keep going. This journey is messy as fuck for me.

But I have noticed that I’m becoming more of myself vs someone else. And I’m realizing as myself I do things very differently than most people. Which inherently makes me stick out or cause friction with others. So it’s no wonder I suppressed all this as a kid, if I didn’t I just basically became a target of criticism or a disposition of “why aren’t you like everyone else?” So AM has been giving me more of an edge to embrace myself and stop doing that. This is also why I’ve hated being around people for the longest time, I mean why would you enjoy any interactions with people if they just want to point out all your differences as a problem? There’s cool and accepting people out there no doubt, but for the most part I’ve always hated dealing with people.

All that being said I’ve realized why 2 loops has been really heavy on me. I’m basically disarming a defense mechanism that kept me safe for years. It’s basically like suicide in the mind of my subconscious. 2 loops really pushes for it, 1 puts on the pressure but it’s not enough to be perceived as a threat. 2, some part of me knows the change is going to happen and it’s fucking terrified.


#47

Decided to switch to afternoon/night listening. My custom is way too disruptive for beginning or midday. I started cleaning while listening to my loop. During was fine, but after it was done and I got into processing mode it’s like my brain has no capacity to do anything else until this clears.

I’m tired of feeling like my brain is pulled in two directions and I can’t focus on either. This definitely isn’t working for me


#48

subliminals are one of the important pieces on the chess board. but maybe, in this case, adjusting the positions of some of the other pieces might be worth a try?

it would be ridiculous for me to have a specific suggestion, and I don’t.

but i always remember what an effective reset your hiking trip was for you. it seemed to get you back in touch with things that felt real and right.

not that you need to go hiking every weekend. that might even be missing the point. but more like reflecting on exactly how that worked. and what it meant.

what were the meaningful elements: nature - physical movement - companionship - quiet - ???

on another, somewhat unrelated, note:

How representative of your life do you think your writings here are?

I always think about this. Even with people I’m close to.

You get a certain spectrum of narrative, from listening to and talking to someone. And then sometimes you see your friend in some other context in which you never saw them before, and you realize that you were missing big parts of the picture of who your friend was. Many things, maybe most, don’t get translated into words and narratives.

This is why advice giving is so limited. The advice-giver is usually missing big parts of the picture.

So, how about for you? Do your narratives here in your journal capture a great portion of how your life is and feels?


#49

I’ll have to think about that one more. I know one aspect of it is not feeling the need to be good at something. It feels like everything in my life is a struggle to constantly be better at and I’m behind. So when I have moments where none of that matters I’m at peace but it’s fleeting because I can’t bring it back to the real world. Or rather I don’t know how because it feels like no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to treat myself with kindness or patience.

I’d say my posts on this forum are a pretty accurate portrayal of everything in my life. Probably more accurate than anything in my day to day life. My self out in the real world just feels like an act a lot of the time. Just saying and doing things to not completely derail my life. But I get tired of it and I haven’t exactly figured out how to just live in a way that doesn’t feel like a massive amount of effort.


#50

I’m just not feeling good lately. I’m pissed at myself because I just keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Then I lie to myself about some progress I think I’m making to make myself feel better. I don’t feel like I’m moving ahead in any sort of planned out trajectory.

As much as I want to run two loops to power through this, I can’t. My life falls apart, everything falls apart. I can’t risk making things any worse for myself.


#51

So something weird is going on. I’m not well versed in astrology but I feel like someone ramped up the sensitivity in my body. The full moon 2 days ago had me fully on edge. Something is shifting in a cosmic sense.

Whatever is going on it seems to be dragging up the worst in me. So these past few weeks I’ve been getting stuck in old patterns and pointing at it as a reason for why I’m a failure or messed up. But I’m shifting my focus to asking myself what’s being brought up and whats being shown to me to be cleared.

It’s a whirlwind that’s for sure. I’m in the eye of the storm right now. Have to remember that. The negative things I think about myself are creations of my own mind. Even though they can influence me on an emotional level they aren’t the truth. It’s going to take a while before the sting of them dulls, but until it does I have to remind myself to not believe the lies.


#52

I think listening before bed has helped. Usually the processing kicks in an hour or 2 after I listen and by then I’m fast asleep so full subconscious immersion. The benefit is I’m not bogged down during the day and I’m not killing my afternoon once I get off work as well. Happy I decided to experiment and trust my own intuition on this. I was constantly telling myself I should be able to handle it during the day, I should be able to handle 2 loops, but sometimes you do have to change your approach.

With that I’ve realized something. I’ve realized if humans were meant to experience happiness all the time we wouldn’t have other emotions. What I’ve been through, what I’ve felt, and what I deal with doesn’t have to be anything other than what it is. I’ve burned so much energy just trying to eliminate it all, wipe the slate clean, and forget it ever happened. But for better or worse this is my journey and I don’t get anywhere trying to fight how things unfold in my life. I blame my deep dive into the self help stuff which was toxic as hell at the time. There wasn’t an intention to improve myself. It was an intention to be better, be a different person, distance myself from everything, not healthy motivation for change at all.

Am I free of any amount of pain or difficulty right now with this realization? Not by a long shot. But what I have removed is that annoying grinding tension of “I shouldn’t feel like this, I need to feel like x”. Though it’s not the cause of all the pain, it certainly doesn’t help the healing process. One more step forward in learning how to accept myself. Which is an emotional understanding, not a logical one. Diving head first into “I love and accept myself” was always doomed to fail for me, but this is ok. I’ve always been on the side of believing gaslighting yourself with positivity is just as bad as persistently telling yourself negative things. But those are my beliefs, maybe it works for some people and that’s alright. But it doesn’t for me and that’s all that matters.

I still don’t have a plan in life. And anytime I bring up difficulties that’s all anyone seems to turn to. Plan, plan, plan. What good is a plan if you aren’t fully aligned with yourself and working with yourself? How do you know that plan was your idea and not something someone put inside your head? Deconstructing what you’ve been taught and conditioned to believe is half the battle. An invisible battle to most people and rarely ever brought up. But it’s a key part in gaining that sense of clarity so you can trust yourself and know you’re making the right decisions for yourself and nobody else.


#53

My overall feeling about myself is changing. I’ve gone from a guy that has a full time job and makes music on the side. To a guy who’s primary focus is music. I didn’t grow up around musical people. I never played an instrument, except trying to learn piano and I hated the teacher because all they were obsessed with is playing better which isn’t the point of music for me. My point being it took a lot of digging and self discovery to uncover the fact that this probably should have been my main focus in life since a young age. I guess nobody caught it when I was a kid or I was too scared to try more.

I ended up buying an electronic drum kit and now I’m cracking open video lessons on playing guitar that I never got to. As much as I like electronic music, the immediacy of an instrument can’t be beat. Piano, guitar, and drums are my focus now for learning. When I’m too burned out with making songs I’ll just practice on those without a real goal of making music. But down the road I’m sure I’ll incorporate them into my music. Right now I’m working on a shoegaze inspired song, Running my guitar through tons of effects and just having fun with it. I only know a few chords that are muscle memory from playing guitar when I was teenager. I couldn’t tell you what they are though.

I’m having some limiting beliefs about being a multi-instrumentalist, like is this really possible? Am I gifted enough? Stuff like that. I’ve never liked the idea of only getting good at 1 instrument, I guess that’s why I turned to electronic music. And thinking about it if I had stuck to one instrument and dedicated all my time to it like I’m doing with music production I’d probably be pretty good. But I see my motivation for learning one instrument was never there in the past because I didn’t have an outlet or end result for it.
To be honest I’ve never called myself a musician. I always felt that term was reserved for people who could play instruments, who have made albums, who’s lives are centered around music. I just felt like a fake because I couldn’t perform or do any of the stuff that most of the public deem musicianship. I felt outside of that circle.

That being said I’ve been thinking about just posting some of my stuff on instagram from time to time. Not like a promotion thing, but more like “hey this is what I do and I’m not trying to hide it” because I’ve got some people I know on there that have no idea what I make. Really more of an exposure thing for my own confidence and getting it out there more. If I’m honest I’m not all that proud of my music. I don’t get excited to show people and let it out into the world. There’s always a lot of hesitance. I’m basically the opposite of the “cool track bro, check out my stuff when you get a chance it’s fire” memes. But I do need to get more outside feedback from my tracks for two reasons. One, to get more comfortable with the idea that people can actually enjoy my music and 2. Prevent myself from getting into my own head and psyching myself out that it’s all terrible.

I’m honestly feeling that life is getting in the way of this goal to dedicate my time to music. I find myself getting irritated that I’m spending 8 hours of my day putting my energy into doing stuff I don’t really care about. Maybe it would be different if I had energy and focus at the end of the day, but I rarely do and that’s what gets me really upset. I don’t know if that’s normal for most people or just something I deal with.


#54

Decided to buy limit destroyer ultima. I will consistently be playing that one moving forward. I didn’t realize this one was in the store actually.

My plan is to really hit the self imposed limits so the subs in general work better for me. I respond well to Ultima titles which makes me believe that I can use Limit Destroyer to maximize my results. My goal is to open the gates of my subconscious mind more, so to speak. Despite having unlimiter in my custom, that doesn’t do much for me if I still have blockages to executing that particular module.

I should have done this earlier, but for some reason it only occurred to me now to try this.

One more thing, I am getting tired of holding myself back. It’s there, I can feel it in my mind but the bridge into reality has been hard. I know all that stands between me and the success I want is a thin barrier of limitations and that’s it. But it’s immensely frustrating knowing that and at the same time feeling manipulated by it.

Ok last thing. I’m looking at all the products I’ve purchased from this company and it’s like shit man, all this power and I feel like I can’t tap into it properly. It’s not the products, it’s me. I’m hoping this ultima is the one that gets me over that hump.


#55

Ran LDU today because I already had 2 days off from subs. It’s just hitting me now and it’s really heavy. I’m going through several stages while it’s being processed. First, got depressed and kind of lethargic. Second, started getting pissed, felt like fighting these limiting beliefs or directing my anger towards it. Third, transition to physical tension in the body. Most notable is my stomach. It’s both relaxing and flexing at the same time. Small spasms and what sometimes feels like micro vibrations.

Don’t really know what it’s doing, but if I had to guess eliminating stored tension in deep parts of my body that act as trigger points whenever I have a limiting belief. I can’t say for certain how the subconscious works or where limiting beliefs are held, but how I’m responding to this Ultima is interesting to me. Elixir was emotional release, rebirth was a sort of perspective shift type thing, and limit destroyer seems very centered around the physical. I know elixir involves the physical as well, but this is different. I can’t describe it, it just feels like it goes deeper. Past emotions or things close to the consciousness, more like deep conditioned bodily responses.


#56

Trying for 2 loops during the day again. I know when will I learn. But I’m starting to think my resistance to 2 loops was less my capabilities of processing and more limiting beliefs surrounding what I can handle. Thoughts like I can’t do this or I have to take it easy or it’s too much. You can’t really know your limits until you push them. I know I’m ok with 1 loop, but maybe I can handle more.


#57

No such thing as self sabotage. Nothing to fight against or beat. That’s what I’m realizing. The things I wanted to beat were just repressed feelings and thoughts.

The funny thing is the more this stuff was pulled up and presented to me, the more I wrongly mistook my ability to just carry on and not get caught up in these things as a strength. When in reality that’s the exact behavior that landed me in this mess. Not taking enough time to assess my needs, what I can do to help myself, and how to stop putting everything except me first.

Yeah it does make it a little difficult to focus during my workday when I run it. But the interesting thing I noticed today was almost being forced to slow down and stop pushing myself so hard. I was being shown what I needed in that moment. Even though I didn’t solve the issue. I was given that perspective of how dumb it is to worry about fixing something at work if my own mental health is suffering. What’s the real priority here? That’s the question. And that gets twisted a lot, it’s important not to lose sight of it.

I did make 2 loops today. And I think I’ll continue. I slow down and it’s not as easy to get things done, but it’s made me realize how much I’m running on empty and constantly pushing myself beyond my means just because I feel like I should be able to perform like everyone else around me.


#58

I’m thinking about stuff in my custom that could be triggering more reconciliation for me. The big one I think, which is interesting, would be sexiness unbound. I threw that one in there because I know I have a ton of blocks in that area.

I think quite honestly there’s a lot of shame around just expressing sexual interest around women. I don’t know where I picked it up from, but it feels like I’m just a creep. Obviously women get tired of the overt displays of sexual attraction that are unwanted. But there’s definitely a balance and I sure as shit have no idea what it is.

Having said that I grew up learning a lot of PUA crap that was incredibly cringy. I never used any of it, but looking back they all had such validation seeking behavior. That’s why I don’t believe in the idea of having game. If a woman is so fickle as to want to be taken on a roller coaster ride of emotions and entertainment without giving anything in return, fuck that. And I don’t mean giving anything in return as sex, I mean just reciprocating like I’m a human being vs some wind up monkey. I have zero time for that.

But this area of my life is quite shit, so looking to improve it in some way. Just having it sorted out so when I do get opportunities I don’t stop myself like I often do.


#59

Staying consistent with 2 loops. I find that physically I’m definitely lower on energy, but mentally I don’t feel as on edge as I usually do. I’m going to keep going for the next few weeks and see if I adjust. Increasing to two loops seems to have actually brought down reconciliation. Not really sure how that works. Familiarity maybe? Since running two loops I feel closer to the overall goal of my sub in a feeling oriented way. Doesn’t seem as far out of my reach if that makes sense. Like even if someone decided to criticize me for it I wouldn’t be more inclined to think they are right. Limit destroyer is probably helping too. I played it again yesterday.

I’m hoping that 2 loops is helping me vs being mildly sleep deprived.


#60

I was sitting at work today working on problems and fixing stuff. Just watching my mouse go in between windows, clicking, typing, waiting, errors, moving folders. I just had this moment where I was like “this is fucking stupid and meaningless”. Just this massive feeling of how inconsequential in the universe getting a report to print for someone was. It doesn’t matter. Like I just zeroed in on how big of a waste of my life what I’m doing right now is. That’s not to bash me, I’m doing what I need to do to get by but holy fuck how does anyone live like this? Maybe they like it, who am I to judge? But it’s not for me.

As for me? I’ve said this before but I need to stop caring what other people think. But really live that. Not just say it. The people who deserve my respect get it and everyone else can keep their manipulative controlling behavior to themselves. Quite honestly I’m sick of it. I fully admit that I’ve been too passive and easygoing in my life for fear of conflict. But I’ve learned people just take whatever the fuck they want and as much as they can get. I can’t rely on people being empathetic and considerate as a substitute for not being able to stand up for myself.

I’m always afraid of being a bad person or hurting someone. But I have to think of myself. If I keep going around carrying that fear there’s going to be people that exploit that.