Finding my True North


#41

This is it! In my experience the way to handle tough times on Khan is to listen more, not to take a break. And you and me are examples of the results of this,

I can see this as a reflection of what you said here:

Can you see that?


#42

@AMASH not initially, since it was so peculiar. Why would a Chief of Staff announce that publicly? But that you’ve pointed it out…

When you’re on the correct path, gifts and recognition come in abundance effortlessly as a reward from the universe.

Art has been my life for the past eight years and gained diplomas and awards. Now, I’m met with the outside world’s complete disinterest and refusal. It hurts.

It’s beyond sad, but there comes a time where you’ve got to cut your losses and know what’s needed to be blowtorched clean.


#43

@Michel, it is of course your choice and you know better what is best for you.

Just, in my experience, when you are on the right path, you actually find it harder than any other path.

Why? Because each and every epic story is filled with struggle, challenges, and enemies, for a long time, before the final success. There is no epic story of glory without going through the pit of hell. That’s a characteristic of being in the right story.

Plus, if you’re read the Bhagavad Gita. you would be familiar with the quote: “It is better to fail following your own path, than to succeed following someone else’s path.”

I just leave you with these thoughts. And it is up to you to consider what you need.

I am also sure the other guys like @DarkPhilosopher , @Hollywood, @realbillperry, @Joa93, @Dmitry and others can add valuable insights into this discussion.


#44

In what way is the outside world showing disinterest and refusal? And what makes you want to give up art completely? Art in my opinion is a very long journey. Compared to a lot of other pursuits there’s really no “end”. There’s a lot of upsets that come with it.


#45

The last thing that occurred was a gallery pulling out at the very last minute on the day I posted them my artwork all the way to the States. Before that, a client rejected several of my ideas for their brand. Numerous paid competitions at $25 a shot resulted in nothing.

I’m not saying I’m totally giving up art, but I AM questioning who I’m doing it for. One could learn to paint for a lifetime for themselves and leave it at that. I wanted the recognition for being skilled at something and it just isn’t there.

TB is possibly asking questions about deeper motivations?


#46

What’s the place of art in your life @Michel?

And when you’re 101, on your death bed, and look back on your life, which decision you would wish to have made to not have any regrets? What would be most important then?


#47

Art basically saved me from a life of going nowhere and doing nothing. Being good at something and securing a diploma meant a lot. But I don’t live and breathe it, like my peers.

My only regret so far is not being brave enough to get out and explore the rest of life, through being too shy and emotionally injured. I’m a late starter, so this period of life should have done by the age of 25. I’m 38. I’ve wasted a lot of time already.


#48

Ah that’s rough. But you’ve stumbled upon the thing that makes most artists miserable. That want for validation or recognizing talents, doing it for someone else. If it truly feels like that to you by all means keep it personal and pursue something else. However it could be the environment as well. If you could make a living off of it how would that make you feel? Sometimes a string of bad luck can really alter our perception of something and make us think it’s “wrong”. But it’s not the thing that’s wrong, it was the situations we associated it with.


#49

Being professional would be ideal. I’m guessing you would love that luxury too. But it would allow for later contributions to the community as giving back, encouraging the next generation of talents, the same way I was.

Khan will reveal the path somehow - one way or another.


#50

That’s a possibility @Michel. However, I believe as long as you’re alive and breathing, there may be other possibilities.
What could you think some benefits might come to you from being a late started, and having experienced what you experienced before, when success comes your way? Any wisdom or experiences or valuable things you might have gained by starting so late, that maybe you couldn’t have learned if you got your success and exploration early, and everything came easy?


#51

Yes, Khan makes you question whatever path you are going in, and helps you find the “right” path that would serve you better. It’s a possibility. But it also might be reconciliation.
The only way to know the difference is to give it time. If it’s reconciliation, it will go away. If it’s real Khan effect, it will stick, and the old path will be abandoned, and new paths will open up over time.


#52

@AMASH namely having a sense of perspective, maturity, persistence and the ability to value opportunities when they come. The younger me would NOT have coped with the demands of outside life.

Hmm, good questions @AMASH.


#53

That’s very interesting, and those seem to be very valuable wisdoms you carry.

If you had no limits at all @Michel, how could you mix those things you have learned, the wisdom you have gained, the skills you have, to go for a success that is beyond what you may think is possible right now? Even if you act as if you’re someone else giving advice to you, what would they think the mix of your wisdom, skills, passions and desires could create a success in the world that is unique to you and beyond what you expected before?


#54

@Michel

The most liberating idea for me was realizing in life there’s no finish line or perfect destination to arrive at… there’s only satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) with the path you’re on now

The illusion that there’s anything to experience outside of what you’re experiencing now is based on the universe expressing itself through you by demanding growth…

Even if you were to get to the exact place in life that you envisioned it wouldn’t be permanent (nothing is), before long life would start to pull those circumstances away from you…

When you internalize this you start to realize there is no wasted time or mistakes…

There’s only a sense of dissatisfaction with your level of action and progress, which can be changed right now with a clear intention followed by action.

So your dissatisfaction is good, it means you’re alive and want to grow. But guilt or regret is something you want to stay away from.

Purpose in life is about who you’re becoming rather than what you’re doing for a living…

Choose a path and get busy.

Hope that adds some value brother


Transcending Mediocrity 2 - Emperor Logbook
#55

I’m only on Day 5 of my Emperor’s Journey or whatever you’d call that. But today I was dicking around with how many loops of Emperor to run and how many of Rebirth while in the home office working for me job.

I had the thought “It doesn’t matter…just do as many as I can get in each day. The time will pass by whether I do anything or not, so may as well swing the pendulum in my favour.”

It reminds me of the stuff from Jeff Olson’s book “The Slight Edge”…he had that quote of “You’re either gradually succeeding or gradually failing. There is no neutral”…that’s what I remember of the quote anyway.

Seems like you’re on the right track as long as you keep pushing yourself through this stuff.


#56

@AMASH Blimey, tough to answer that one. There is this charming personality that could go very far indeed, if he was in the right social/work situation. Then he could mentor those coming up in the same way.
That does sound like the near future - Khan

@Hollywood Very wise words. Reminds me of a saying: strive to be a human being, not a human doing. Somehow that’s been lost.

@realbillperry Luckily that bell curve is going up in your favour, which is great.

Thanks for all your supportive words.


#57

Khan
Total Nervous Breakdown
Day 8

I’ve had enough.

  • Had fucking enough of slave wage shit jobs where a whole line of people are ready to shit upon you and takeout their shit on others.
  • Had damn enough of being treated like a fucking five year old at work: "what are you doing? where are you going? Who’s that for? Who told you to do that? You’re not supposed to do that.
  • Had enough of living in a fucking expensive city
  • Had enough of being ignored
  • Had enough of being dismissed
  • Had enough of being friendly, only to get blanked later
  • Had enough of being someone else’s constant bitch.
  • Had enough of turning into a bitch
  • Had enough of not knowing what my actual path is. Fuck the journey, just reveal to me what I’m supposed to do in this life and let me fucking get on with it.
    “ok”…
  • Had enough of busting my ass, running ragged for motherfuckers who just give you more shit to do (because you’re such a hard worker!)
  • Had enough of not being able to defend myself and just meekly answer

Painful thing is I can’t answer back because “there will be consequences”, usually physical beatings from way back. Just stand there and swallow dogshit.

There. Reconciliation or not, I’m pissed.


#58

Reconciliation reflection:

Calming down… all this reconciliation anger is touching on something deeper - being repeatedly abandoned by my mother as an infant. The anger is about feeling unsupported emotionally, - whilst being over supported physically and not being allowed to learn by myself and fail. Mother always attended to everything - so I now expect it from others. When that doesn’t happen, I get angry.

Being more real to myself
Another thing, I’ve dropped putting on a performance in public, where I would behave according to what “society” deemed acceptable. Now, I’m yawning when tired, adjusting my pants when needed, being “extra extra polite” to others, gone. Being more “real”.
Being perfect in order to get some kind of love token.
Narcissistic families require their members to perform for society - to fake the funk that “we’re perfect, better than yow”. If I’m performing, it because it is genuine.

Dreams:
One random woman decides to get up real close in my face and gently rubs her extra long nose against my forehead.

Reconciliation breakthrough
This breakthrough is important - this will allow me to not give a flying fuck what others think (I can’t control what they think anyway) and to be allowed to have a life of my own where I’m not treading on eggshells trying to cater to some unstable personality or anyone else that fancies it.


#59

I admire your courage very much @Michel. This is hard. The process is painful. And too few are willing to do it, but you are. Pat yourself on the back for that, really.

Also, if I may suggest something, this can be of help:


#60

Never heard of Albert Ellis, but he makes a salient point: you are not your failures. Trouble is, emotions aren’t very rational and can crowd out logical thinking.

Found the reconciliation issue: I’ve been needing approval from someone to be myself and to define myself. Now I’m aware of it, I can remind myself (like Albert Ellis stated) that the story in my head can be changed to something more positive.

I am worth something, even if I fail, I’m not a useless failure.

Didn’t expect for Khan to go THIS deep into my psyche. Very few things outside of deaths have changed my life. I’ve definitely getting my money’s worth.