Finding my True North


#81

Khan
Total Breakdown
Day 18

The sexual energy is off the charts! It feels subtle - warm, watery and feels good. I’m sure women feel it too. In fact I know they feel it.

I’m free of all of the mental chains of the past, finally. Clear of the negative cycles that have been circling over the past 30 years. Confidence truly is the foundation of a happy, successful life.

Most importantly, I can now trust my confidence. Like the kid that runs ahead of his mum and looks back to see her still there. I can hang my hat on it, and dare I say it, I’m the shit!

I do see the Mogul effect though- still have money at the end of the month, cutting out bullshit spending.

Still haven’t got the courage to just talk randomly, but I did have the coffee barista give me my drink by calling me “gorgeous”…


#82

Khan
Total Breakdown
Day 20

Ten days to go, Still feeling good although the dominance is wavering a little. Fatigue and little aches and pains are low level. Noticed my family has now lost interest in insulting me and taking little confidence jabs opting to say nothing now. Good.

Considering shutting down my Instagram page as it’s brought me nothing useful since graduation from university. Seeing a few people waste my time with “opportunities” and “proposals” to buy my art works for £20, are you actually kidding me?

Work is good, getting along with my female bosses, one who is unusually submissive to me, another is playful with me, touching me on the arm.
Outside I’m walking past and am noticing more that boyfriends are gripping onto their women for dear life. Am I that much of a threat to your girl? (Yes).


#83

Good going, @Michel :+1:


#84

Khan
Total Breakdown
Day 21

Week 3 report

  • Becoming more dominant and sexual in my walk.

  • Damaging past negative beliefs wiped clean. No more self sabotage.

  • Mind is clear, ready for the reprogramming of ST2.

  • More women responding better to me

  • More effortlessly confident. No need to act like an immature, overcompensating dick.

  • More respect overall, hostile family members included.

  • Female bosses becoming more submissive and playful with me.

  • Sadly seeing more evidence to give up art as a public pursuit.

  • Being more proactive in shielding myself from invalidating weirdos.

  • Understanding that disrespect from others is their problem, not mine to fix or save.

  • Believing I have a right to be and do whatever the fuck I want without needing pre-approval.

  • Understanding that my previous weaknesses led me to Khan

  • Rejections from women? Too bad for them. Are they insane?

  • More sexual dreams, this time it seemed more vivid and real.

Only thing is I’m now impatient to move to ST2, getting too used to the homeostasis and wanting to progress. There’s also a bit of wavering of attraction and confidence but the base line of dominance and confidence are established. 10 more days…


#85

Be patient. I wasn’t and I had to start over. :+1:


#86

Khan
Total Breakdown
Day 23

Feeling a bit more confident, more self assured. That minor reconciliation issue over wanting to jump to ST2 immediately is slowly going - probably the subconscious mind trying to throw another spanner in the works.
No real haters to speak of, just a few fuckboys and racists trying to do whatever the fuck it is to make themselves feel superior… well away from me.

Surprised at being more efficient, doing things without the conflicting self sabotaging behaviours - actually getting on with tasks, completing them and not having such an emotional attachment to them. Like, whatever, I need to empty the bin, wash the plates, wash the clothes, cook this, whatever. Done, so what?

Deactivated my Twatter account, what a complete waste of time.

The mystique attractive women supposedly have is slowly getting lifted. I see women at the gym taking selfies, filming themselves, wearing revealing gear, one woman getting personal coaching just whined throughout like a child… My God, is this what PUAs want me to go get and smash to feel like an alpha? Come on now.

Everytime I see the sales page for Ultimate Artist, I feel sad. Can’t let go of painting just yet…


#87

The mystique attractive women supposedly have is slowly getting lifted . I see women at the gym taking selfies, filming themselves, wearing revealing gear, one woman getting personal coaching just whined throughout like a child… My God, is this what PUAs want me to go get and smash to feel like an alpha? Come on now.

Awesome reflection man!! I loved it.


#88

Not really that awesome.

Every person, no matter how superficial they look, have something interesting inside them. If you can’t access it, it means you are not going deep enough with connecting to people :slight_smile:


#89

@Joa93 is referring to attractive women having a halo around them. Of course they don’t actually have a halo (media creates this illusion) so this aspect being lifted from my eyes he finds awesome.


#90

Then, yes, Khan did that to me too.

I used to feel a slight difference between attractive girls and average ones. Now, attractive women or whatever are just normal people to me :slight_smile:


#91

so this aspect being lifted from my eyes he finds awesome.

Yes!!


#92

Every person, no matter how superficial they look, have something interesting inside them. If you can’t access it, it means you are not going deep enough with connecting to people :slight_smile:

You are right!


#93

@Michel

Regarding your art, either it will take time to reach there or you will drop art altogether.

I believe you might be inspired only when you are doing Khan ST4 and Ultimate Artist together (possible that you will only need ST4 according to some journals here).

Because even I am doing Khan ST1 and UA now and I have no inspiration at all. Might be because we are in the Breakdown stage and it is breaking down our beliefs about creativity too. No wonder we feel uninspired and sad about it.

So either you can drop UA for the time being or continue on. I urge you to continue on.

And amen on the sexual dreams. I can really feel it when am being touched in the dream. It’s almost like astral sex. Maybe it is.


#94

Yes, and it’s not only the media creating this ‘illusion’. We also do it ourselves. Our sub/unconscious minds and instinctual natures project these halos (and other qualities) onto people and the world all the time.

As we do the (physical) work of taking responsibility for our own mental process, we may choose, sometimes, to ‘reclaim’ some of the energy that we were projecting. Other times, it’s fun, useful, or beneficial to go ahead and intentionally make that projection. (Can help sometimes with navigating the world and imbuing the world with meaning).

Anyway, I agree that it’s inspiring to witness you going through this process and owning your power(s). Good on you!


#95

Khan
Total Disillusionment Breakdown
Day 26

This may be the ST1 reconciliation talking but here are the brutal realisations:

Forget about “perfect friends”, the “perfect woman”, the “perfect partner”…, ride or die… They don’t exist. They never existed. I’ve heavily invested in people that gave little back. I’ve loved people that played mind games. I’ve tried to be close to people who prioritised others. That’s ok, because I’m now ready and willing to invest in myself. Born by myself, die by myself. SubClub makes this possible.

The key realisation:
Khan promised sex, women, dominance, career advancement and being an all round alpha badass. It hasn’t.
Sure I felt more dominant, my work career is showing signs of take off, (some) women like what they see, most people seem uncomfortable and distrustful of my presence.

What Khan ST1 has done is given me this realisation:
My life path with Khan seems to be less about “getting good with women” it’s more about being unapologetically and confidently ME - Without shying away, without trying to hide. Without clinging and without bowing heads and ingratiating. Women, career, money, all that shit comes second, third, fourth in line behind true, confident expression.

I’d love nothing more than to hide and let others take the shine, but I soul says I can’t. Soul says stand out, show them the way, be the spiritual leader.


#96


Keep going, Keep pushing… I’m f*cking proud of you, @Michel
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life, and…sing it with me…:sunglasses:


#97

Merci, @Y.o.B

ST1 (from what you heard): you will heal a bit but it will be all fine.

ST1 (from experience): fuck people, fuck family, fuck the fairytales… :joy:


#98

@Michel - (Spartan chant) A’oo A’oo!


#99

Khan
Total Red Pill Breakthrough
Day 28
Week 4 review:

If I could sum up the last 28 days of breakdown, it would be this Main Breakthrough insight:

Others don’t care about you nowhere near as much as I care about them. So I must care more for myself. I have a right to be myself and defend that right and not let ANYONE manipulate me into feeling inferior and subservient.

A lot of illusions are being shattered into pieces

I’m having to succeed by myself and I’m sad at that, but it gives me absolute freedom to be and do whoever I want. It means having a certain confidence that no-one can break.

At work, I’m being noticed, even one supervisor has a chat and recommended me to become team leader. This is through mostly keeping calm at a high pressure customer service job.

Signs of my new behaviour appearing: I’m not as bold as I can be, but at the weekend I gave two different managers a piece of my mind when they tried to insult/put me in my place. One random senior appeared and tried to throw their weight around in the middle of an extremely busy service, I snapped at him, he got pissed. Good.

A few more days, and on to ST2. Let’s do this.


#100

Khan
Total and Utter Breakdown
Day 29

Consider me completely and utterly broken down. I’m on my knees metaphorically.

I’m under so much mental pressure. The situation at home is intolerable, with ST1 removing toxic programming, it feels like I’m being re-gaslit again by family’s antics and society’s warped “expectations”.

Whilst on a visit to another city, I watched a YouTube video in a café (not gonna say what it is) but it confirmed what I’ve been experiencing: I’m being mind fucked and I need to do something about it. Walking around afterwards, I felt an immense pulsing around my throat area that confirmed that message - I MUST find my voice and speak out.
In the absence of ST3, I was driven to do two actions in attempting to deal with the situation - asking for emailed job postings in another city and puchasing that city’s public transit card. The rest is about planning for the future.

A few days more, but now stuck in two minds: do I then push on to ST2 - or continue to clean out the bullshit?