QLQ - Day 25 (2 loops)
RegenerationQ - Day 5 (2 loops)
AscensionQ - Day 20 (2 loops)
New doubts about myself. I keep feeling lost. I can’t find the way. Questions like “how should I behave around people to be appreciated?” , “what should I do?” , “Should I be honest and show my vulnerabilities or be closed and asshole?” and a thousand other questions.
There are many doubts about many things. One thing for sure is that feeling of being vulnerable and lost inside of me, unlike the first few days when I runned Ascension which felt so strong.
Among the people, however, I do not bad. I am sure of myself and of what I say and I am at ease in general but some times I feel this feeling of inadequacy, as if what I was saying or doing did not even believe it, as if it were false. it’s hard to explain but it’s a strange feeling of not belonging as if where I am is not my real place. Is it the people? Is it the place? Or is it me? I’d like to understand what’s wrong.
In general, apart from my studies I must say, I feel helpless in my life right now. I can’t feel “adequate” where I am, I don’t (currently) feel confident on the inside, even if I try to be, I can’t do much with women.
Today I was talking with this girl I know who I find very attractive. The conversation was going very well and she was very open to me, but deep down I felt lower than her, I was not up to her. A voice in my head kept telling me “no matter what you do, it will never be yours”, even though she was laughing and having fun with me.
Ascension + Regeneration are really putting me to the test and everything I believed or didn’t believe is collapsing on me and suffocating me.
I’m also making a thousand paranoia about the effectiveness of the sub. I wonder:
“Are they working or not? Since I’m not seeing beneficial effects at the moment”,
"And if these doubts and sadness that I have were for something else and not a consequence of the subs?
“But isn’t it that my speakers don’t make ultrasound work well?”
“Isn’t listening to them from the iPod compressed the file in some strange way and I’m not being affected by the subs?”
Today is the day of paranoia and doubts. Help!
There is a small positive thing now that I am typing this text though. I hear a little, a real little voice inside me, gentle and calm, telling me, in this sea of doubts and complaints, that maybe I should stop. Maybe I should stop making excuses and complaining and start appreciating myself more for real, because all of this is just hurting me.
But for real real real!