Last 2 days
I had some fuckt up disorders appearing.
I was watching this TV series : the boys
When I saw how ugly people with power act something in me activate and it happen in 4 seconds.
1.heavy fear I Coud hurt somebody when I have power (and I have)
2.a protection energy arisese and forbid myself to have power
3 complete powerloss
4 blockad in my head
I needed 2 days to restore me to 60%
So I did a deep dive to see what the problem was.
First I hear myself saying:I don’t want anybody to be hurt - I can connect this to a heavy fight my father had wit a girlfriend. I was maybe 8 year’s old and I run in between the fight to protect Andrea
Then I startet to talk to myself and that’s what usually heals or dissolve the problem very fast.
But not this time.
After 1 day I get to the point where I was realy angry. How can I suppress my power/live energy soo strong to protect others.
That’s self castration
And defenitly the mechanism of real trauma
So I try to change the whole thing and try to tell me that it is OK to be powerful and only people who attack me had to fear… It didn’t work
Whatever I did I came to no fruition
Then I needed to make a change. If this don’t work the I try the opposite.
So I go Dark
I say to myself: I am such a liar, if somebody attacks me verbal/physical or energetic I know realy no mercy, I want my opponents to dye.
And I Attack in some ways, allways
Then i fantasize how I cripple and torture people who did damage to me until I lost the fear of damage and the fear of damaging people.
This took me 8 hours
Then I talk again to myself/trauma : doo you still need to protect others from me, because I don’t fear damage any more
This was a solution, somehow the trauma mechanism losses power and grip and I know I have to heal completely
Fear of receiving and giving damage
Fear of something can happen
I didn’t lisen to my healing sub for 4days only The Elixir Ultima.
I hope my new ordered healing sub will arrive today. I can fucking use it right now