Hold on, let me overthink this


I have been absolutely slammed at work and disinterested in journaling. Trying to do all the things before my staycation.

Tuesday I took a completely break.
Wednesday morning was maia on loop till I stopped

Wee hours of the mornin mind’s eye t^2 x2 and now lakshmi till I stop

I have been spotty with my meditation and my sinuses plugged all the way up so I did a bit of acupressure.

Before the mind’s eye loops: more dreams with wearing masks and vague threats of infection. I was immune, but still adhering to procedures. Lush green plants and vibrant tapestries decorated the rooms of my dreams. I hid or just lay beneath a blanket but it was more like I was avoiding facing something. Too many things come to mind to pinpoint.


Interesting descriptions and observations. Write it all down.


I will take some time and listen to this today.

I know I’m hoping to not be disappointed if my purpose is not as grand as my ego would like.

Dreams before yesterday I remember feeling the exact moment when I went from waking to sleep. It felt like a cold stream from the base of my head near my neck that flowed towards the center.

Towards the end of the last dream there was a rampaging bull at the ground floor of a building “we” were trying to exit. There were people I knew, but mostly those I didn’t. I conjured, I suppose that’s the only way to describe it, a large red ceramic cow (just as big as the bull) painted around the neck and flank in white lace. She had long tapering horns that pointed in lazy arcs. I used her as a distraction to allow others to escape. As we were leaving the area through subway turnstiles I felt a pain in my back and knew the bull had attacked her.

My parents made a cameo and I gave my mom a hoodie that was much too big for her to wear (she’d never worn one that I knew of)


Yesterday just did loops of Maia till tired of it. Probably from 9am to 2-3

I don’t remember the early bits of my dream but at the end of the last I was following someone through a park in bloom. Flowers adorned the trees and bushes as we walked up a path. They reminded me of someone who leads one of the committees I’m on but not quite.

Today is loops of chiaroscuro till I tire of it. I am enjoying the set and forget-ish play more than hoping my playlist doesn’t conk out in the middle on AudioShare or having to stop and switch to each one after a certain amount.

Meditation felt right today so I did a little.


Don’t worry. It doesn’t really work like that. It’s more of a general shape than a size or scale limitation.


I’m going to get this too,

really curious to what you discover


Also, if it doesn’t support you in doing what you want to do or what you feel is right for you, I’ll be the first to support you in flinging it the hell out of your window.

Part of how you’ll know it’s right is that it will feel right. If it doesn’t, fuck it.

These things have a way of coming together when the time is right for them.


Fortunately, purpose/mission doesn’t work like this. It is a matter of whether it resonates with you. For example, one woman in Samoa in an interview declared THIS to be her mission as part of fighting obesity.


Yeah so the Part 1 Mars & Venus overview for my sign and house had me wanting to yeet my phone away (maybe a little, f a nurturing Mary Poppins archetype). While I might enjoy being nurturing I do not enjoy being taken advantage of. Those seem to come hand in hand too often. Plus his job examples beyond a couple were so banal for virgo and IV/cancer. I know, representative sample… but then he was a little condescending in the Capricorn bit where he brought the protests and statues up that I side eyed. “Underachievers tearing down the monuments of overachievers,” just rubbed me the wrong way and I’ve not knocked anything over besides the occasional teacup.

With the guidance from the first audio I pulled up my natal chart from cafe astrology and got more perspective from their descriptions. It’s closer but not quite there in all aspects. :


Venus represents an interest in emotions and values, exchange, and sharing with others.

Venus is in Cancer

Love for Venus in Cancer is best when it is committed and rather predictable. These people are sensitive in love, even if their Sun sign is the more playful and outgoing signs of Gemini or Leo. You may even say their egos are a little underdeveloped when it comes to love, but they have a lot to give in return: namely, security, comfort, and care. Venus in Cancer people show their love by caring for you. They pay more attention to your feelings than your words, and observe you rather carefully. They want a safe, solid relationship. They can be a little moody in love, and some go so far as giving silent treatments and engaging in pouting routines to get attention from their mate. They are turned off by anything too impersonal, and too much rationalizing leaves them cold. They are not afraid of emotional confrontations (even if they have a Gemini Sun and appear flighty in other areas of life). Still, these lovers are always worried they’ll be left high and dry. If you’ve hurt them, they’ll have a hard time forgetting. Every so often, they’ll retreat into themselves (not unlike a Crab), and it can be difficult to pull them out. This is when they use their extraordinary “nursing” abilities on themselves, instead of you…and you simply don’t want that!

This part is BS: Pleasing Venus in Cancer involves lots of snuggling and sentimentality. /BS Recognize their attachments to their family and home. Help them to feel confident with you – when they are fearful of being rejected, they can resort to some frustrating tactics to find out just how loved they are. Think about how a crab (the symbol of Cancer) moves towards its goal, and you will get a fair idea of Venus in Cancer’s approach. Do your best to make them feel secure and cared for, and you will be rewarded with a patient, dependable, and loving mate.

Venus in II: Venus is in the second house
There is a link between her emotional life and money. She is helped by friends or by a person to whom she is emotionally linked. May take advantage of friendships for professional success. Activities connected with beauty, aesthetics, finery. Danger of big spending.

Tangible expressions of love and affection are important to you. Your tastes are usually “simply extravagant”, well-defined, strong, and something you are proud of. Some might feel you have a talent for finding items of value and good taste. You are attracted to items of quality. You may use generosity for your own benefit–in other words, you might give gifts with expectation of reward. Some of you might be hedonistic and overly attached to winning admiration from a partner, at the expense of discovering true love. Your neck and upper chest are erogenous zones, and your voice is unusually attractive. You generally don’t jump into a new relationship. If you do, your feelings grow gradually. A partner who makes you feel safe and secure is ideal for you. Once committed, your love is long lasting and sincere. You have strong values and others will find it hard to sway you in this area. Sensual, the world of touch and smell is most appealing to you. Complex or mysterious partners are not as intriguing to you as simple and genuine ones.



Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.

Mars is in Virgo

These productive and busy people are goal-oriented, practical people. Although they can be a little scattered at times, simply because they are doing so many things at any give time, Mars in Virgo natives get things done–quite well! They have a knack for handling a wide variety of tasks at once, and a tendency to take on perhaps too much at the same time. Most Mars in Virgo natives are not particularly aggressive by nature. Although they can be a little hard-nosed and critical at times, they rarely resort to pushing others around. Still, an annoyed Mars in Virgo native can be difficult to be around! Arouse their anger and they turn into complaining, over-critical nags. Generally, these natives don’t make themselves nuisances, so this stage is unlikely to last for very long. It is a sensitive position, however. It doesn’t take much to make these people nervous.

Mars in Virgo people are quite protective about their “system” for getting things done. Although rather humble in a general life sense, they can be quite particular about their methods–how they organize and accomplish their goals, mostly with work. Theirs is a nervous energy. Although they have some staying power, they can be restless and are not given to sticking with the same projects for too long. These natives derive plenty of energy and life force from the things they do–their work, hobbies, and any kind of projects they take on. An idle Mars in Virgo native is a sorry sight, indeed. Fidgety, nervous, worried…all of these things are a sure sign that Mars in Virgo people have either too little to do, or far too much on their plates. There is a perfectionist at the heart of all people with this position. They’ll be the first to deny this, but it’s there! They worry when they are not producing anything, and they worry about whether what they’ve produced will measure up.

An earthy and sometimes nervous sexuality generally characterizes people with this position of Mars. In a sense, their performance in bed is similar to their work. These people want to be good at what they do. They will generally be open to experimentation, if only to feed their curiosity and to feel savvy. There’s often a shy and humble side to Mars in Virgo in any area that involves putting themselves out there and letting go (areas ruled by Mars). But experience and knowledge are important to these natives, and this drive generally wins over their natural reticence.

Mars in IV: Mars is in the fourth house

Quick decisions; she may have a lot of things on her plate and wants to succeed. She will succeed through a phenomenal work-rate. Stormy or simply active family life, where her leardership or aggressiveness shows itself.

You can be fiercely protective of your close friends and family with Mars in your solar fourth house. Anger may be deeply felt and possibly deeply buried, too! As a result, it can be difficult for others to pinpoint your true motives, and you can be considered a real enigma. You can be passive-aggressive in your approach to the outside world when younger, which could lead to resentments if you are not careful–or confident–enough to take a more direct approach to pursuing your desires and expressing your anger. With time and experience, as well as substantial work towards achieving a healthy balance between emotional self-control and expression, you’re likely to deal with frustrations in a more empowering way.


The north node thing in part 2, however, was something I hadn’t explored. So I stumbled upon this site to go into a bit more detail. A hell of a lot of my frustrations made sense if this node stuff holds true. It also talks about the south node and what you’re trying to move away from even though it’s most familiar.

My north node is in the fourth house and Leo which seem to lead me towards focusing on myself and stepping into the spotlight, both of which I’ve been reluctant to do in the past. If moving towards these things is supposed to make it easier then you might as well give it a shot. Finding out what I actually want to focus on vs simply doing it for recognition or because it would make someone else happy is a thing I should work on.

The audio states the north node in the fourth house is:

Don’t focus on others
Get your own house in order
You might have had authority in your past life and assuming you should have the same again will frustrate you
Be aware of your motive
Don’t do things for recognition
Focus on family (whatever your definition ) + emotional maturity

And that north node Leo is:
Creating a life for yourself
Realizing your own desires
Friendships may disappoint at critical moments
Create for yourself
Capable of great achievements
King, royalty, spotlight
Embrace fame wealth luxury


Your cafeastrology report should also contain a small section on North Node, with Qualities you need to work on.


It does. I wanted more detail:

True North Node in Leo

She can be a friend to many but may stumble a little when things get too personal. Her path is to embrace her individuality and to allow herself to be the center of attention or to strike out on a unique creative path. She is learning to be more personal and less intellectual when expressing her feelings. Qualities to develop: Intimacy, sharing, self- expression.

North Node in IV: North Node in the Fourth House

Her path is to allow herself to be vulnerable, and from time to time, release the need to feel in control and on top of things. Once she does let others in, her life improves. Fixing her home life can enhance her career. Qualities to develop: nurturing and trust, tenderness, willingness to be vulnerable or to accept support


Rabbit hole of the moment: still north node stuff as it’s novel to me.

This site combined the house with the sign of the north node:

Not sure if I’ll listen to anything today. Maybe sanguine. I should play around with the modules in my first custom as some of them repeat in the third (was just waiting for the pack to drop). I’ll probably free up some space and hold as there are some modules I want that haven’t come out yet. I supposed it depends on how long between releases. The longer I wait to switch the less I have to thread my money custom into all the others.

The end of my dream last night had dead mice behind “my” fridge but instead of being right next to the sink in my actual kitchen it was next to the bottom of a staircase painted in deep, faded red with obvious hole where they could have entered from and the dust of ages peeking out from one of the larger holes.
There was a voice in my head during another scene telling me I knew who they were. They sounded a little like a coworker but I brushed it off. Forgot the rest of it, but there was some sort of resistance against a crazed person wrecking havoc in a sanctuary.

I also glanced at a chat convo but my last cat (name was in the chat and I “knew” it was supposed to be him) stuck a reply in the middle of it like n(owo)n and that startled me awake.


Your Mars in Virgo in the Fourth House suggests that you are/would be passionate and motivated about organizing/administering/refining a home or a homelike environment. In light of your interest in energy healing, that could also include a healing space like a spa or a retreat center. And many other possibilities as well.

Venus in Cancer in the Second House also makes me think of an upscale healing retreat. The second house suggests an opulent or sensually pleasing space in which you are nurturing or caring for other beings (people, animals, plants?)

Finally, the North Node in Leo back in the Fourth House again. You embrace the spotlight and your personal delightfulness/joy as the center of attention in a context devoted to care and nurture. I don’t remember it so clearly right now but it intuitively reminds me of the mother in The World According to Garp.

Lots of Fourth House/Cancer stuff going on (it shows up in all three elements) but it also sounds like you’d have your own unique take on that and what it would mean for you.


Current proposed changes to first custom:

  • -Debt Annihilator, Dominion, Sultan
  • +Asclepius, Apollon, Ultimate Writer
  • Keep Terminus strength

I’ve got it sitting in my cart.


Thanks, I think I definitely have to expand the idea of what “home” can mean. Traditional homemaker ain’t happening. Though I’ve always said I’d make a great grandmother. :joy:

I do wonder what a retreat/escape can look like post covid. I’ve always pondered creating something: sanctuary/cafe/spa that centered around at least one of my interests: amazing food, sumptuous experiences, face and body treatments, divine feminine empowerment, the nurturing/protection of BIPOC, and serenity whatever form it might take.

The in person market is very saturated and current uncertainty probably rules it out. Since I’ve built online presences for many I could probably do something if I get past the part of putting myself out in the wild, so to speak.

I am a joining of intensely private and over sharing personal experience. Like telling my story is just that, a story. It doesn’t reflect upon me, but did shape me into who I am today.


The best resource I’ve found on the Nodes is the Jan Spiller book “Astrology for the Soul”.
Following are Hannah Elsewhere’s videos that use it as reference.

The book is even better if you choose to get your hands on it. :+1:t2:


Got the book (kindle). it’s currently reading me for filth. Thanks for the recommendation.


Didn’t get much sleep as I stayed up reading fluffy novels with happy endings. Drifted into dreams of water reflecting on cavern walls. I was helping someone… the setting’s already left me.

Listened to maia x3 yesterday instead of the sanguine. Trying to judge whether I replace it now or later with the newest combo I posted. I think, just for the writing and self healing, I might have to.

I did.


Updated sub arrived faster than I thought it would. So I’m currently listening to maia II on loop. The sun is shining brightly outside in joyful contrast to the thunderstorm in the wee hours of the morning.

I did a little bit of checking in at work behind the scenes, but the rest of my day is up to me. Will probably go get some groceries and walk around once the sun is no longer at its peak intensity.

Digging back into the Hands of Light book. I also ordered The Lunar Nodes: Your Key to Excellent Chart Interpretation


Great grandmother or great-grandmother?