Hold on, let me overthink this


#141

Forgot to mention Meet Mindful. I met a lot of cool women there, including one MMA / BJJ practitioner that I hit it off with for awhile until she decided to move. It’s supposed to be for “mindful and spiritual” people, but a friend of mine told me that her experience was terrible because it attracts pretentious “guru” men, which made me crack up because I can totally see that happening.

I love the West Coast. Nothing like it. Expensive as hell in regards to rent and the such, but there’s other costs that are much lower, so it kinda balances out. Hard to explain. For example, in SoCal, there’s no “car culture.” Like, everyone drives crappy cars and no one finances. As a result, cars are cheaper overall, insurance is insanely low and there’s no pressure to have a nice car.

I am not a fan of San Francisco, though. Lived there for about three months, even worked at Twitter for a few weeks. Rolled out of there – I’ve never seen such a pretentious city before. Oakland was cool, but the wages were a bit too low.


#142

image


#143

Yeah meet mindful skews heavily female and I worried about just what your friend described. It’s like tawkify here though that’s more matchmaking… way more women than men. I think SF rent is more than where I am now but not by much.


#144

Listened to two loops of sanguine and once the second is done I’ll start Maia II.

I feel like I’m avoiding my wealth custom on purpose. If I don’t run it, and I don’t see results, then I have something to “blame.” vs the minute fear of running it and my potential inaction causing the same. I will power through this feeling once my 5 days of Maia II is complete.

I think I am done making new customs for the time being, but I might modify one if new modules come out that I’d like to try.

Now is the time for turning inward and trusting my intuition over explaining it away. It’s time to allow myself to enjoy and not just exist in stasis. To seek true pleasure vs avoiding it. To actually discover what sparks lasting joy vs little impulse experiences/items whose novelty wear off before I’ve even finished. To stop postponing or denying for some made up sense of guilt, duty or priority. A free fall into oneself is frightening.


#145

I find that interesting because I experience the same. I often wonder if that’s a common human experience or it’s reserved to certain individuals.


#146

Lakshmi (wealth custom) x a bunch then a short pause before I listened to my sleepytime mix during the day. Currently done with Mind’s Eye T2 and on the first loop of Chiaroscuro (art and alchemy).

Paused the research reading, set some pie crust to chill in the fridge, and will make a pot of tomato sauce for the week. Now the question is whether I make something more elaborate with it, or just use the pasta I have on hand. I’ll have to decide tomorrow. The next week will be too hectic to do more then.

I miss being social, but deeply enjoy my solitude. If I still feel like it after the pie and sauce making I will venture out for a stroll.


#147

Sunday was rest day. Skipped meditation, skipped vitamins, had heartburn, meh.

Today I did not plan well so just listening to the second loop of my first custom now. Went out for midday groceries but my fish shop was out to lunch. They close at 5 so maybe I can hit them up tomorrow. I’m getting used to the walk around the neighborhood without the covid concerned nervousness. There’s a lot of construction around so the pointed “hellos” to ignore are plentiful.


#148

Restless. Wheels spinning stuck in mud. Yearning for a breakthrough.

Wealth custom and a couple loops of rebirth. We’ll see what they shake loose.


#149

Listened to executive (1A) once then many løøps of Maia II. Today was intense. Meetings overlapping and going on forever. I scrolled through eater today and marked all my favorite and not so favorite spots that have closed because of covid.

New planters arrived and I managed to repot most of the plants I set out to so maybe executive did some good.

Color me exhausted.

Tired of being a unicorn employee just to prove, what? To pave the path for others that come behind because change will be too slow for those of us here to stick it out. Meh.


#150

Unicorn employees are rare, and highly in demand.


#151

I woke up and listened to my sleepytime mix Then napped before my first meeting of the day. I’ve been really sleepy lately.

Then I went straight into Maia II till my head started to hurt at the end of a 90 min meeting that was unfortunately not my last. My phone was elsewhere and since I was being zoom present I didn’t get up to shut it off before the breaking point.

My little beechwood pendulum arrived (This place was mentioned in hands of light):

Will play around with it later or just sleep. Too much subliminal exposure today methinks:
2x Mind’s Eye T2
2x chiaroscuro
1x survival instincts
4x? Maia II


#152

I listened to loops of Maia ii again yesterday.

My dreams were something. Not quite sure.

I was sitting in my living room and this sprit lookin like a female version of the februus art was floating in front of my entertainment center and kept sending cool gusts of wind my way.

I did something to attack it and it collapsed onto my carpet. I walked up to it and asked why it hated me and then it looked like me with longer hair but still all grey, crumbly and made of smoke/essence. It said it didn’t hate me. Then something I don’t remember then something about reincarnating again into this world.

Later, I was in a college classroom, but knew I had been in the scenario before and that slime was gonna come out of the vents behind the professor at any time so I walked out earlier than I remember doing before. It was too early because I had to explain why I was leaving.

Ended up in another classroom with a work colleague and people slowly started trickling in.

Woke up with remnants of grid lines in my vision and dry eyes.
—-

A dream the night before had me going through like a welcome orientation to somewhere funky. Like I dreamed I was astral projecting but also that someone was working inside my abdomen area like futzing about but looking like one of those horror flicks where an alien whatever is jumping under the skin. I didn’t feel alarmed.

I looked out my window and instead of the apartment building opposite on my floor it was like looking out at blue skies from ground level with a dock in the distance.

When I shifted out I was in a office where someone with a name tag that kept changing names each time I looked was trying to explain something to me, but I kept missing it. Their face wasn’t quite human and also changed a bit.

I ended up at the dock where a man and his wife were. I think I asked them for directions and he yanked a long paper/contract out of my hand and threw it angrily into the bay. Something about not trusting people floated in my head.


#153

@mnemosyne It makes sense about the contract being yanked and thrown away. I am seeing more changes. When this happened, how did you feel?


#154

Mostly that it was unnecessary. Still being more of an observer than active at that point. Unfortunately I woke up right after that part.


#155

Boundaries, sorely needed. Have fallen into a chasm of work. Still journaling but with pencil to paper for a bit.


#156

I made an Airtable to track my sub usage a little while ago. I still have to add to it but it’s got all the custom, ultimas and regular subs I own. Will add the modules at some point today.

Fell off a lot of things except work this week so gotta get back into a routine before I slip further.

My well-being is more important than being godly at work.

If only I could remember in the moment.


#157

I finally put my “foot” down. I told this guild that I play with in a mobile game that I would stop because it feels like a chore.

Surprising how that took so much to say. Surprising that I took so long to say it. I should be proud of myself, but, instead, I’m just berating me for waiting so long. I’ve dropped thousands of dollars in this game. It’s not the only one. Sometimes you get so attached to things… it’s more than sunk cost fallacy. It’s like your pride is wrapped up into doing something that you’ve done for so long. I think that could probably relate to many things in life.

These fleeting moments of, not joy, probably not fun, are little bits of escape that I no longer need so many of.

Started watching more videos about intuition and other things I was interested in. Keeping multiple journals. Let’s see how long I can maintain. I’ve been consistent with my subs maia II, chiaroscuro and Mind’s eye mostly.

Lakshmi feels like a reach. Like something I aspire to work on, but can’t quite fit in yet. Cannot wait till we have the suggestions for rotating multiple customs and dense stacks.


#158

Separately, I’ve been keeping a dream journal close to my bed. I’ve been trying to write my dreams each time I wake up which is been really frustrating and annoying because I just wanna go to sleep. That said, I have way more dreams that I can remember when I write them down at each awakening. Do not know how long this will last for. It’s a bit disturbing to fully wake up that many times and have to focus on writing neatly because I can barely read my own handwriting.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to set intention before I dream so that they’re a little bit more focused. I don’t know if they’re listening to me yet, but the themes are still weird. I guess more mundane than I’m used to.

I purchased more moleskin cahier journals because I like that they’re softly bound and easy to write in. plain paper is best for me because I hate rigid lines. My writing is so tiny I don’t need to be constrained that way.

I like to do the bare minimum when it comes to writing. The smaller it is, the thinner the line, the .1mm HBB lead pencil that gets me my words out almost as fast as I can think them, but not really. Writing is so limiting because it’s so slow.

Speaking is limiting because I don’t want that kind of record. People would at least have to work to read my handwriting, maybe. Also don’t really like the sound of my voice recorded, when it’s not reverberating around my skull it sounds softer, more breathy and more childish. I did say I liked deep voices somewhere.

I change my mind mid sentence or mid spoken thought and writing seems a little bit better than that. I have been using the dictation on my phone to at least get some things down when I write enough.


#159

Do you find that this has gone anywhere? I used to record my dreams for about 1.5 years in my leather journal before I stopped because it wasn’t really going anywhere. This was in conjunction with efforts and practices related to lucid dreaming. I still have my journal, and I am certain it is going to be used again once DREAMS Ultima is released.


#160

Not sure. Maybe if I actually revisited them and let them tell their story. Right now it’s more a record that I may or may not get use out of.