I’ve been listening to stage 1 aswell and for me it has been very smooth. Negative believes are melting away, but I’m not noticing any side effects luckily.
These days I seem to wake up tired after about 4 hours of sleep.
Today, I woke up but really did not feel like leaving bed. I wished I could stay all day in bed. I felt a sense of mild depression, a mild headache, and as if things have no meaning in this world.
Anyway, I did wake up and do some work, but it felt like going through the motions.
Later in the day, I had a date scheduled with a cute girl who is 11 years younger than me. I liked her.
On my way to the date, I left early to have time to hit on any cute girls I might see. It’s summer time, girls are walking out and about in mini dresses and short shorts, hoping to get into an adventure, but I did not care at all. I had no drive or desire to talk to girls.
Until I saw a girl who is exactly my type. I had a choice to make: keep on walking, or talk to her. And my desire for her won, so I went and talked to her. But I had no aura, no power, no energy. Even worse, although I have been talking to girls for years, I was literally shaking like a leaf and nervous like it’s my first time. There was no reason for this, but it creeped her out and me too, it was unexpected that I would be shaking nervously because of talking to a girl. She brushed me off and walked away.
I thought “wtf, I don’t want to keep this memory as the highlight of my day,” so I went up to the very next cute girl and talked to her. I was a bit better, but she just shocked me saying “Are you one of those PUAs?!” I was like wtf, this never happened to me before. Then, I realized this day was fucked, so I was done, and went to the date and waited.
The girl arrived happy and giggly for the men I was when I was running Primal Seduction Iron Throne. We talked a bit, but when I started touching her, she told me “Stop that. Do not touch me.”
So I thought, this day is fucked, let’s just relax and roll with the punches. She kept talking throughout the date and I was listening. It went fine but I was totally bored. Not because of her, I just had a sense of boredom about life, a sense of grief and a sense of depression all rolled into one. I was looking forward for the date to end but she didn’t do anything wrong, so I let time run its course.
I realize this is part of the healing. I respect that, and I know that the only way out is in. That this gunk needs to be cleaned and cleared out and that my life will be better. So I am continuing Khan Total Breakdown and I am trusting the process.
My growth and development is more important than any one girl or group of girls.
Two positive things I saw: (1) I naturally eat healthier without trying or forcing myself, and (2) I get a good solid hard-on when I wake up in the morning.
My dreams are weird. Each night I dream about a fight or argument with some famous PUA Guru. Although I’ve never met them in real life.
I don’t know how I feel about the nostalgia and depression, because basically, I can’t really feel much except numbness and boredom and sadness.
This is good. If and when things change, I will look back at this journal and notice where I was. Or maybe I will be here for a long long time. We will see.
Emperor and Spartan Journal Now With Primal and Khan
Oh yes, and my walk changed from walking like a King to walking like a little bitch who was punched in the stomach. Hunched, looking down at the floor and avoiding eye contact. It’s fine, I feel some kind of emptiness in the pit of my stomach, so that is what causes the hunched over injured puppy look.
Try the alternative listening method we made for Spartan. 5 days on, 2 days off. Or, 3 days on, 1 day off. That will give the brain time to process what’s happening.
When I ran the original Primal, the first 2 weeks were very hard for me. But things got better.
For now, these things are not really causing a severe problem in my life. So I will push it as much as I can to see. But if it becomes too much to handle, I will do the Spartan method.
Or maybe things will become light and good on their own. Then, it will be good date to report to you and Fire.
Thanks for the descriptive wording. I felt like this a few times on Regeneration, and had it still on Total Breakdown, but it’s not been as pronounced. For me, it’s felt like people could see my feelings and read me clearly, which was desirable with people I’ve wished to know better, but confidence killing with those I usually wear masks around. When old pain and fear would stay, it scared me, and I was the scared bitch who ran away, or wished to.
For me, “emptiness in the pit of my stomach” was signaling that I was calling bluff on my own bullshit, and a more courageous man was inside. I’d just not called him out. And realizing that while hunched down made me hunch more. I automatically go to beating the crap out of myself, and Kahn is calling my bluff there too. Like it’s saying “do you really need to do this?”
Kahn is changing us, bit by bit by bit. It’s making us “better than we expect to be”
I feel much better today. 50% of what I used to be when using PS Iron Throne. But still much better than the previous days.
What I did is a reduced the volume of Khan Total Breakdown by a few % points. That made the feeling a lot less intense and the process more enjoyable.
I still don’t feel like talking to girls. But I have a bit of joy to be alive mixed in with the mild depression.
It’s not bad.
Don’t give up bro, the sun is going to shine soon! Your story is very interesting to read.
Where in florida?
Im from south florida
Somewhere around 200 miles north of there.
Today, I felt lethargic most of the day.
But in the evening, some girl was messaging me. And a felt a surge of energy, and just really really fun vibe. And I teased her and joked around self-amusing so much that I laughed myself until tears rolled down my cheeks.
It felt like a combination of a much needed laughter release, like I am getting something off my chest, and a return of the energy of having fun with other people and not the need to stay somewhat alone that Khan Total Breakdown gave me for the last 8 days.
I feel lighter inside. I will see whether this will continue. I expect other emotional swings to happen. It is part of the process.
For now I feel good and light like a cloud floating through the air.
I did not reduce my listening time. I just reduced the volume slightly. That helped a lot.
Sleep is still a mess though, but this surge of energy I got now is helping a lot.
@AMASH, are you running a certain number of loops, or are you just letting it run? I’ve missed anything about any number of loops, plus you admitted that it was only a month you’d be doing it.
I’m home today after my normal half-day of work on Saturdays, and I’m exhausted. In bed now, and I’ll likely be in bed most of tomorrow. Are you just powering through?
Yesterday at work I did a very physical day, one I’m very experienced in. I slowed down a bit since I was fatigued. And like you, I had a second wind, a rush which I took off with. Lasted 30 minutes or so, but it was drastically different from my energy level earlier in the day.
No number of loops. Set and forget. As close to 24h as possible.
I think any fatigue I might be feeling right now is because I was only able to sleep for 4 hours last night. A mix of Khan and the weather being too hot to sleep well. I can’t tell which is the major cause.
My subconscious knowing is that letting it run as long as possible is the right thing to do. Listen to your subconscious and do what is right for you.
Thanks Amash. I’m running it now, but I’ll pay attention to inner leanings I may have.
I am continuing my Khan Journey.
Yesterday, I felt very irritable. I was on a date with a girl, and she shit tested my by saying “I need 1 or 2 months before I am comfortable to have sex.” Normally, the level headed thing would be to respond calmly, and even if it is a serious requirement on her part, to think “Do I like this girl enough to wait 1-2 months?” Then decide based on that.
But I Rage Quit. I felt very emotional, and told her to go fuck herself. And went and deleted all the girls from my phone, and I was thinking “Fuck this shit, I’ll fucking go MGTOW, fuck it all!”
She kept texting me that night, telling me how I am being rude and I ignored all her messages. I’m not in the mood for that.
Then, I went to sleep, which was actually better. When I woke up, I was not feeling horny and no morning wood. And since it’s Sunday, I decided to stay in bed and just relax. But the emotions in me were just taking me on a hard tumultuous journey.
Normally, I am a calm level-headed person. But nowadays I feel both a sense of loss, a sense of meaningless, and deep irritability. It seems to come with the evolution that Khan Total breakdown brings, since I read someone else went through a similar phase:
This is helpful:
It’s more like raging fury than just anger lol
shit just got real!
I’m sorry, couldn’t resist