KhanQ by the numbers

  • I’ve never run a sub like this before. I’ve run things that have a component which is supposed to clear out bad stuff that stands in the way of the goals of the program, but never one where the entire focus of the program (Khan stage one) is to clear out all of the bad stuff. There is usually a more noticeable change in my thoughts and behavior because the sub is driving me toward something while all of the clearing out is going on.
    I was finding it hard to really notice a difference in my thinking, but today it hit me. It’s not what I AM thinking it’s what I’m NOT. Once I really focused on it, it’s pretty clear that I have a lot less mental noise going on. In my current situation, I would have been envisioning every negative eventuality that could happen and dreading them. I’m not, I feel peaceful, and calmly optimistic. There are no extreme positive thoughts at this point, but I expect stage two to bring those.

  • I’m still getting flashbacks to key moments in my life that led to some of my negative beliefs. I still react differently in most of them, both emotionally and with what I do. It’s almost like the memories are being replaced on some level. Not to the point that I don’t know what actually happened, but like the memory that will function on the mental and emotional level going forward is the good one (does this make any sense to anyone?).

  • It’s coming up on a month of running this. I don’t know that a full 90 days is going to be necessary, but I’m still planning on it at this point. I want the job done completely, and I’m not sure I could tell if it has been.

  • I was off subs yesterday. This afternoon when I woke up before going to work I remembered that I was dreaming. I have no recollection of what the dream was about other than there were voices and I think that they were saying something meaningful. No clue what that was. I only note it here because it’s very rare for me to even know that I did dream let alone remember one.

  • I continue to notice negative mental things that are not happening. The little negative mind voice is silent as far as I can tell, and I don’t think I have had any of my “random anger fantasies” in some time. I’ve had this thing for a very long time where I will think of something and it will cause a very immersive fantasy where I feel a lot of anger. This is usually something from the past like people who have wronged me. I usually think about something like beating the crap out of my first ex’s abusive dad. (I never actually did that) These really put me THERE for a few seconds and result in a feeling of rage, an adrenaline dump, and I may look a little odd if you catch me at the wrong moment. It’s been at least a week since that has happened.

  • I am thinking of altering my stack a bit and adding in Minds Eye. I’ll have to get rid of Mogul for the time being because I want to keep things very focused on one thing at a time.
    It’s not that I’m bad at visualization, the above mentioned anger fantasies plus my lifelong tendency to get lost in daydreams show that I’m actually VERY good at it. The problem is that I’m not very good at doing it on purpose. I drift off multiple times a day, and the daydreams are immersive, involve all of my senses, and produce emotions almost as if the situations are actually happening, but I don’t mean for that to happen. Now, if I’m trying to visualize a goal to do a little manifestation or something, I strain my brain in vain.
    If I could actually harness the visualization ability I already have, that could be a very powerful help for anything I try to do. Hopefully ME can help me gain control.

  • My stack is now KhanQ st1X4 and Minds EyeX2.

  • I felt a little odd when the minds eye loops are running. I attempted to visualize a couple of physical objects with some success. I had another random thought of a time when someone really pissed me off. It was pretty intense, and this time I was acutely aware of my energy field right afterward. There was a palpable heat all around me. I know that that means that I supercharged my aura with some really hostile energy. This could be dangerous if I don’t get some control over it quickly.
    I tried to visualize some scenarios that I want to have happen while ME was going. It seemed like there is something blocking me from accessing that kind of visualization. It’s the same something that it’s always been, but this time I was far more aware of it as a kind of blockage. Hopefully ME and TB help me get through it. There has to be some kind of core belief that’s preventing me from using my imagination to help myself, but lets me access it so easily that I don’t mean to when the imagined scenario makes me angry.

  • On the TB side of things, I’m feeling lost and trapped. I’ve been thinking about how far the present circumstances of my life are from anything I’ve ever wanted them to be. At the moment, I feel like there is no way I can change them or move forward.
    I know that this is probably TB bringing things to the surface and forcing me to deal with some negative programming. I had prepared myself for a rough ride, and I’ll get through it.

  • I felt kind of depressed after running my loops last night. I have long felt that I’ve taken a wrong turn in life and it’s too late to correct it.
    I know that that’s BS, but it’s something I’ve been dealing with for years and it really came to the forefront last night. Hopefully that means that I’m working through it. That’s one of the mental things that I would really like to see the end of.

  • I tried to do some visualization of positive things as I was going to sleep this morning. I still felt blocked. It felt like there was some kind of barrier between me and the place I was trying to take my mind. I do not get why I can totally put my consciousness into a fantasy scene when I don’t mean to, especially if the fantasy fills me with rage, but I have such a hard time putting myself in a more positive visualization on purpose. I’ve only been of ME for one day of two loops though, so I trust that if I keep trying consistently, I’ll gain the ability.

  • A different question started swirling around in my head last night and today. I’ve occasionally asked myself “who am I” for as long as I can remember. I’ve always had trouble answering that. Last night was the first time one of my head voices has ever asked “who do you want to be?”. That implies that on a very deep level I am thinking that it’s possible to re invent myself and change the basic image I have of me. I am slowly starting to build the image of the man I want to be in my mind, though I’m sure that my subconscious already has the design.

  • Just at the end of my first loop of TB, I got another question. “How do you want to feel?”. That’s an odd one for me. I’m not a very emotional person, and don’t think in those terms often.