Merlin's Rejoicing: Return of the Eleven


#82

Last night ran Spartan over PC speaker (no headphones) for a good six hours or so. Pre-bed I had dental pain I had been breathing through, a single beer as well (my first alcohol since February). Had the last one of my combined ibuprofen/paracetamol tabs. No pain upon waking, felt pretty solid and virtually bounced out of bed.

I’m tempted today to take a run to Officeworks to pick up a pair of speakers to run these subs on at night. I’ve been finding the headphones, quality though they are, pinch the nerves beside my ear and inhibit drainage of lymph which is a bad thing ™ when sleeping. I was able to sleep a solid 6 or 7 hours with only one break. I like the idea of ultrasonic over decent speakers since then I can avoid the lost exposure time when I take off the headphones in the night or try to shrink away from the sound.


#83

I didn’t buy the speakers today. Not because I didn’t want to, but because none of the sound technology shops were open today due to lock-down. My PC speaker still seems to do a decent job of capturing the nuances of sound that the headphones do, so I I think I’ll be using that as an alternative for those nights I don’t feel like sleeping with headphones on.

I used to get really bad anxiety when I wrote something that was likely to upset a girl I was corresponding with on a dating site, and avoid going back to read the response out of fear of what it would be. The change in my behavior since running the subs I have been using is interesting.

I still delayed reviewing the responses from A, but the delay was much shorter and also I really didn’t care about what the response was. I recognized very quickly my own self worth and the value of my perspective, and let the bullshit of the over-reaction from A just slide right off me, and continued my own learning and development processes without continuing the conversation with them. I could see transparently what was projection on behalf of the other person and what was assumption. I actually felt like laughing at the response I received, I can see my expectations of emotional maturity in a partner have grown since my earlier years.

My goals tomorrow are to get a coherent narrative written down based on some exercises I’ve learned about from the pickup community… perspectives on who I am and what kind of women I’m seeking to allow into my circle, my long term goals and what I’m doing about them (and where I can improve). Then hopefully look again at doing some work on Book Two of my novel series.


#84

Its still early morning here, but two things of note I had insight on I wanted to journal on.

First, Facebook showed me my memories of this day 7 years ago during my time with ex #1. I was in a very bad state. My ex had been invited out to yet another night of drinking and cavorting with workmates, and I had been left alone at home because as I believed at the time, people did not perceive me as the fun party guy who was worth inviting to gigs. I later found out that she withheld invitations I had been given from me because she didn’t want me to be cramping her style when she was out socialising, because my Aspy’s like syndromes would often cause me great discomfort when I was out at a social event, especially seeing other people having a great time or getting into flirty or fun conversations and not being able to initiate those myself.

As a result, at the time, I grew to resent her for her mastery of texting and socializing and being liked by everyone (she was a Libra, so mastery of that came naturally to her in some ways). We’ve since mended our connection, but the memory of that withholding of invitations from my own workmates, who didn’t feel comfortable approaching me themselves to invite me out and would defer to her who also got a job at the company we both worked for first because she worked the popularity angle, that still remains as a lesson to me never again to get into a situation like that.

It’s not a fun period of my life to revisit, but its important to give me perspective of what I don’t want to have repeat, and what should come in its place, as well as lessons of what I did wrong myself at the time that exacerbated the situation.

Secondly, I’ve started reading a book of stories about Kamadeva by Catherine Benton. I already hungrily devoured several years ago the work of Anuja Chandramouli, “Kamadeva: The God of Desire”; Benton comes at the problem from a more scholarly, comprehensive viewpoint while Chandramouli is the god’s own passionate viewpoint. I recognized today contemplating the introduction to Benton’s work, the prediction by spirit to me of achieving unity consciousness through “The Path of the Arrow” has a lot to do with how kama is portrayed in Indian literature, also with links back to the mala/rosary, and the process of dhyana. There is a certain place where the nature of desire and the path to samyama unite which is impossible for me to describe here right now without going into essay length discussion. So I am very much looking forward to the devotional aspect of this reading of the stories of my Ishta, Kamadeva.


#85

Reconciliation symptoms are afoot. Yesterday morning was the irritation at how slowly things were moving and constant checking of forums and mail and regular sites hoping for something new and shiny to take away the lock-down feels. It was the knowing that I could work on my novel or on my review of what I’m looking to manifest or how I perceive myself from a marketeers perspective, but having resistance against it - “its not the right time! I don’t feel the inspiration! It will take too long and mean I don’t get to do other thing X!” etc.

This morning was the sadness experienced from positive memories of times that are now just a memory. A flash of a moment walking down a street in our local city 13 years ago, holding hands with my partner I’d just met in person days earlier, and feeling that giddiness of being out in public together displaying that closeness. Memories of road trips we’d taken, or a memory of some sweet smelling blossoms from a time in my childhood… nostalgia overload. There are positives there – it lets me know what I want to re-attract into my life, and what I want to experience more of. The movie premieres we attended together all dressed up, the conferences/expos, the parks we strolled through, and memory’s deep vulva yawns pleasant and perfumed, inviting me inside. “You won’t miss the current world! You’ll be back in time for tea! Come for a trip in the TARDIS of memory!”

All the while I crave a return to normalcy of not having to wear face masks out in public, or being able to travel more than five kilometres from your home. To be able to go to the Botanic Gardens just because fuck it I like nature, rather than having some bullshit excuse like exercise to be out to tell mr police officer. I crave my beads arriving from overseas, for them to move on from Germany where they’ve spent the last 11 days waiting in a crate somewhere and head towards Australia.


#86

Today while still in lock-down (another 10 days at least before they relax restrictions) I bought a Kindle book. “My Little Book of Vashikaran Mantras” (just kidding). A work on Vashikaran by someone who has practiced it successfully. I was particularly pleased by the very simple vashikaran mantra for putting cruel or vicious people under control. It would have been devilishly helpful back in 2018 when I was first working with Kama full time and I had a certain guitar player who went full on psycho. Lessons learned I guess… Kama seems to want me to learn some of these practices, which makes sense given his connection with desire and fascination.

There is a good reason I keep going with this practice, even if I have lapsed recently. It’s because I’ve seen the Kleem mantra start to work, twice, even once when I was just doing it internally. and then I stopped twice before reaching siddhi of it. I was a good portion of the way there in December 2018 when I fled one of my old residences to escape a psycho, perhaps I just needed more willpower to practice for a longer more protracted session. I saw actual physical changes in my appearance - my skin got smooth and my eyes shiny, and my hair was fuller than it is now. Kama brought me some choice women in hostels I could have made a move on too, and I’m not just thinking of the typical pretty ones but ones who initiated conversation with me rather than the other way around. And that was nowhere near 100 malas continuously. The siddhi has been considered variously as either 100 mala or 12 lakh. The latter is 111,111.11 mala (that goal would be crazy, at 10 mala a day it would take just over 3 years to obtain the siddhi). But totally worth it,


#87

I just did a count of playback time in my SubClub folder: 43 hours 11 mins 20 seconds play time across 51 files. That makes 25 separate titles masked and ultrasonic (the additional one is Emperor V4 masked which I managed to download before it was removed) including Q, Terminus, Terminus Squared and Ultima. That’s pretty impressive! I could rotate modules constantly over almost two complete 24 hour periods non stop without having to repeat a title.

Technically some titles have 3 files because theres ultrasonic masked and ultima, so its not 25 in total, but it’ll be getting close to that.


#88

Note before I forget. After the first loop of Primal Seduction by itself I was flirting and getting sexual with my jokes with ex #1, which were about Satan cockblocking Jehovah and turning him into a jealous and vengeful god, which was led up to by the quote from Isaiah 45:7 that I found the other day where Jehovah essentially tells us point blank that he creates evil (literal translation in the KJV version), when talking to King Cyrus. She riffed on Miley Cyrus and that gave me a chance to riff off of Bill Hicks classic comic trope of bad musicians sucking Satans cock to get a number one hit, but turn it around and use it with Jehovah. All this happened fluidly within minutes before I realized it was the subliminal making me break into dirty jokes.


#89

Taking it easy with the subs today. I’ve been binging favorite tv shows, looking at improving my living environment by cleaning up, and making today a laundry day.

I got a good number of malas of kleem in yesterday, probably 4, and one of kamadev gayatri. More malas will be good later once I’ve cleaned up a little.


#90

Well, it seems like it’s going to be at least another 7-8 weeks before travel restrictions are released in full here. I guess that gives me plenty of time for exercise at home to lose the gut before getting out in public. And plenty of time for my beads to be released from Germany to make their way here. And plenty of time for meditation. I’ll admit to being a bit disappointed at this, but the longer I work with these subs and develop my internal changes the easier it will be when I finally get out on the social scene again. And nothing else I can do about it but keep going week to week.


#91

1 mala of Kamdev gayatri tonight. No malas of kleem. I’ll pick that up tomorrow.

Some minor success with Libertine this morning in noticing the effects of the aura and connecting it to changes in the way I approached the situation.

My understanding is becoming clearer as I get more experience with the subliminals. I’m aware of the nature of my major stumbling block.

  • It isn’t fear or neediness. And I have way less of the latter than the former, I am a master at biding my time and experimenting.
  • It’s not congruence. As a Sagittarius I’m pretty f*cken blunt, although sometimes the main issue causes issues with overuse of tact in the moment.
  • The primary issue is the degree of connectedness with my body.

My guides in the spirit realm spent several years trying to coax me in the right direction through riddles, warnings, and advice, only once touching on the issue directly. Being in the body means also being in the flow or in the moment. The body disconnect, which partly stems from my high functioning/Aspergers, is ultimately what is responsible for missing non verbal cues or having difficulty with kino escalation due to mental self talk or analysis while the mind is disconnected from the body that would ordinarily send the signals to say when it is appropriate.

The body disconnect allows me to see and analyze and understand the processes of interaction with a high degree of objectivity, and to see it fit together as an intricate puzzle which I can turn in my mind. But the execution requires that disconnect to disappear. For this reason my helpers in spirit tried to get me to experiment with personal magnetism programs back in 2013, but I never quite cracked it because there were pieces to how to get reconnected reliably missing.

I think I may be close to figuring that out with new information which I am in the process of obtaining, as well as the help of Primal Seduction core.

More on that as it unfolds.


#92

I’ve been thinking about the LU thread and laughing to myself about it all.

“Man, you don’t need no auras, its all about confidence!”

“Nah bro, it doesn’t matter if you have confidence, you need sexual market value! Let me PUT THAT IN CAPS for you!”

“Naw, just be you! Go to the gym, workout, get your life in order, and run LibU!”

“Why don’t we ask the ladies what turns them on?”

“Bruh, why would someone know what turns them on? Why ask that?? Knowing that ain’t gonna teach us nothing. Besides, they’ll just lie about it anyway.”

“This is where we make some perfunctory remark about lesbians to score bro points!”

“Let me write an incredibly detailed five page essay about the dating scene, polyamory and monogamy, kink, and the pressures of being in a relationship. Forgive me if I don’t write a single word about what turns women on… I just don’t think that’s important!”

“Bro, stop it with the red pill shit!”

“Who you calling red pill, you PUA?!”

“I got an opinion too!”

“And I think you’re using subliminals to run away from your problems!”

(the voices rise to a crescendo)

Could it be that all of this is merely a load of hot air and bollocks, signifying… nothing? And the truth is that no-one is really brave enough to confront the real nature of desire and love head on?

(YES)

What is it the Hells Angels say?

“Those who know, don’t say. And those who say, don’t know”.


#93

No malas tonight. I have tomorrow off work so I will be running at least 4 malas tomorrow of Kleem and Kamdev Gayatri.

My Kamadev beads have finally made to Australia and are waiting to be enroute to my state. If all goes well I should be receiving them possibly this week, if not next.

This is a big step forward. I am strongly considering creating my own murti of Kamadeva again and doing Prana Pratishtha on it so that I have a physical link for my practice. Only because I know the power that having a murti brought to my practice back in 2018. I later learned that my murti was rare in that only one known communal murti of Kamadeva other than my own existed. And mine was the only one also simultaneously devoted to Red Tara, the female equIvalent of Kamadev.

I still have not begin the Akarshan practice even though technically I have the materials to do it. Perhaps I have been waiting for these beads in order to begin that.

Subliminal practice continues with running Primal Seduction and Libertine regularly each day along with my custom and other supporting subliminals. I always have at least an 8 hour period out of each day where I am not running anything. Typically more like 11 hours. Which is long enough for my subconscious to process the previously given instructions.

I hit upon the idea with the Kleem practice of using the desire focus of integrating all of the wisdom and knowledge from the subliminals, and focusing on what that means.

Tomorrow I will be focusing on material I am downloading to assist me with staying more in the moment and grounded in the body. Will update with any insights or progress of that.


#94

5 malas of Kleem. Bought myself a houseplant, an azalea, for the altar I’m hoping to set up over the next few days. Finished downloading set 1 of the videos that are going to assist me with getting more into the moment and bringing me down into my body. Also tossing up the pros and cons of purchasing a 1TB drive for some of the material I’ve found since June which is of help to my own self development. I am in no shortage of material for improving my personal knowledge of seduction or grounding, my core concern at the moment being the latter.

Also of note, I feel like whether due to Primal Seduction or one of the other subs I’m listening to, I’m gaining a massive amount of insight and clarity on what I need to be focused on next time I interact socially, and ways to lessen the impact of my neurodiversity on my social life.


#95

I would say those who don’t know-don’t listen :slight_smile:
Or rather they can’t hear the kernels of truth and value in what is being said.
I personally think it all makes a difference, energy, aura, action, lifestyle, understanding feminine nature-etc but the thing that pulls them all together is simple-but I won’t spark that convo here.

The nature of the conflict on that thread can be somewhat amusing, but I’m glad for the dialectical comparing perspectives aspect of it. I think it’s a mix of people committed to their own results, others results, convincing themselves, and desperately looking for answers. We’ve all been there lol


#96

I can still hear the kernels of truth, but it doesn’t mean I’m not gonna make fun of it all :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

At moments during the discussion a few days ago it became like a re-enactment of that scene in “Dude, Where’s My Car?” about the tattoos.
.


#97

Got at least 8 possibly 10 malas of Kleem in today, I lost count. Also a few malas of hreem for the heart chakra and other purposes. I learned a new technique with kleem which has you try to focus on the crown of the head while performing the mantra for a sustained period each day, which is meant to help fast track results. It makes sense, but I need to get used to putting my awareness there. Lots of pressure.

I’m guessing the beads will come within the first couple of days of this week. I’m looking forward to it immensely, after everything I’ve read about this type of bead and peoples experiences wearing 13-mukhi.

Slowly working my way through self development material I have obtained recently, although slower than I could be because I’m spending a lot of time focusing on the mantra as I want to apply my will to obtaining akaarshan shakti before lockdown is over.

Tonight will be a rest night probably after several nights of subs during sleep.


#98

Great framing I uncovered during watching some materials on PU:

  • During the interaction, you’re not waiting for their reaction but continuing to talk and do, and doing it more for yourself (self amused) than for the reaction from the other person. This has the effect of projecting confidence and increasing exposure to your personality and reduces the time during which you can be uncomfortably waiting for a reaction, positive or negative.

Of course, this is one of only several different frames you could use, but definitely a useful one in situations where you could otherwise become prone to social anxiety


#99

Finally got my beads today! I was waiting till around 230pm for them… 4 other parcels came in the meantime and I’m waiting outside like “G’day! Oh that’s for housemate X. G’day! Nope, not for me either!” A big lesson in anticipation, maybe it’s prepping me for the Libertine Experimental wait? :wink:

wearing them, the guru bead falls right to the spot where hridaya/the wishing tree center would be. I haven’t done prana pratishtha on them yet, i have done three rounds of the mala though, one with kamdev gayatri. Because the beads are knotted in place and don’t slide like my other mala, I have to be that much more intentional so as to not lose count (the beads are slightly smaller than my other 5-mukhi too).

Putting it on, I felt the effect of the 13-mukhi almost immediately, athough it is somewhat subtle. It’ll take time getting used to then, but I look forward to many adventures with this bad boy :smiley:


#100

I have 1 month and 1 week before the original scheduled date when restrictions ease on movement here, and a time where we may be able to gather at J’s place for a celebration and opportunity to test my developing skills. In the meantime, I have my plan which I intend to follow with the help of Executive when it is released and my developing passion which the 13-mukhi is providing me.

  1. Continue work with long sessions of vibrating Kleem in the evenings while listening to subliminals.
  2. Getting back into occasional WoW gaming - both as a social point for commonality with others and for improving hand eye coordination.
  3. Based on 3-4 sets of files I am downloading, and possibly a 5th, in conjunction with material I already have, work on bringing personal magnetism in both a mundane and mesmeric sense into voice, mind, gaze and touch, over a series of weeks. I need to do this in a planned way.
  4. Niacin - flushing variety if I can find it. Continue Vit C supplementation since this is good for the ASD mind along with B6. Try to reduce smoking.
  5. Exercise and/or other grounding modalities.
  6. Story work/essay work if I can fit it in.

If I can follow this without deviating, I should be able to see major headway by the end of the month. While waiting for release of Executive, the kleem sessions and working with the 13-mukhi bead should serve to hold the process steady.


#101

No mala’s tonight. This morning was a low energy morning. Work was tiring and I put in an expression of interest in early leave and received no response while others got their EOI accepted, which left me with a lack of motivation at the end of the day and a feeling of “TGIF”.

This morning and this evening after work I took the time to listen to some videos (more mp3s than anything with static text/images) around the concepts of personal and sexual magnetism and how to develop them. I ran across these videos during a searching session last night post the long kleem session I did. I felt guided by Kamadeva in doing the search. The materials were two of four sets of files I located about magnetism during a review of sites I typically use to search novel information. Another set I haven’t had a chance to review yet concerns texts on mesmerism, which has links with the first two and operates on similar principles.

The materials I watched or listened to further convinced me of the need to focus on body awareness and intentionality of mind in body. It showed me several other areas I need to work on as well. The thing that was the most instructive however was the explanation of the difference between neediness/wanting energy versus sexuality and sexual magnetism. It demonstrated well how the solution to neediness is connection with the body. Need of sexual validation is rooted in disconnection from the power resident in the body or denial/repression of it, whereas the body based opposite is connected with the idea of having an abundance of (sexual or creative) energy and wanting to give or share it with the other person. By consciously reconnecting with ones own sexual energy via various exercises, and not being disconnected from that during daily interactions, what Libertine tries to do via a subliminal can occur naturally. Combine the two and then success will occur.

I’m going to continue working my way through these files on the weekend.