I attempt not to give unsolicited advice but a part of me relates to what your sharing so I really want to offer the following (take or leave at your discretion-I say this as much a reminder to myself and I hope you may benefit from some of it):
If your still experiencing the level of reconciliation your experiencing, please, please lower the loops you are listening too and/ or take a few days off. I now you said you set and forget with Q and you really cannot do that with Q.
When I’ve tried that it pulverizes my brain and my emotional state, I feel vulnerable, anxious, paranoid, everything is wrong and not myself.
In my experience If your scared of everything around you, find ways to ground yourself in your body, (just look up grounding techniques and experiment with what your called too) and give yourself time to just enjoy the free flow of thinking if your a creative type.
You can only fear others judgement when you judge yourself harshly. Being kind with ourselves is the most important skill in life I believe.
Money, woman, and independence are the pinnacle of a pyramid build on top of character, confidence, discipline, value giving, self comfort, self knowing etc.
It sounds like you’re looking for externals (money, woman etc) to feel ok or like your worthwhile and you are ping ponging back and forth between seeking the immediate gratification of dealing directly with that and knowing you need to work on the base. I, and many others, do the same thing. I recommend working on the base first, (confidence, self comfort, doing things you love in life etc) even if it takes more time and patience, the results on top of that far magnify anything you could achieve otherwise
I would also recommend as an experiment for perspective, to go down this whole journal and read
it top to bottom in one sitting to see the whole picture of your thinking in fast forward.
Also seems like overall you’ve mostly stuck to StarkQ despite the roller coaster-which is awesome.