Day 14 (Khan TB: 129.75 hours)
Date last night fell through and I’ll take responsibility for that.
She said she couldn’t meet up at our agreed time, so I jumped the gun and immediately decided to hang out with some old acquaintances who were back in town snd reached out to me. Then after I told her it was whatever, she told me she could meet but would be just 15 minutes late. I told her to wait like an hour and a half and she said to just meet her out later that night with her friends.
Anyways, I go over to these acquaintances house and they’re glad to see me, but then I remember why I never hung out with these people. They’re the most toxic, judgmental group of people I know. All they do is talk shit about people all the time. Some are a lot better than others and I actually like these few, but as a collective they’re unbearable. I wasn’t aware that the shit-talk “ring leaders” would be here. Technically, I don’t have tangible beef with them although I’m very sure they’ve talked shit about me on occasions before in the past. They convince me to go out (the ones I do/did like).
One of my few buddies in this group, you can tell being around these people always negatively effected him. He was so quick to justify himself and his actions. There was a girl there that he fucked before but he wouldn’t talk to her. Someone in the group brought it up to him, and he was so ashamed and didn’t want to admit it. He kept telling us after that, “yeah I fucked her but she’s so ugly dude. Not proud. This guy also did too though [tried take the heat off if him]”. This girl was actually pretty cute, like honestly. The fucked up thing was that the other dudes were hitting on her later in the night.
But yeah, these dudes convinced me to go out which was alright until I realized again what these guys were about. I didn’t meet up with that girl later, honestly, because of the potential judgment. It wouldn’t have been towards me directly, but in their groupchats, behind my back, etc. I shouldn’t have cared and logically in my head I was telling myself that, but I still did. Something I need to work on clearly.
The “ring leader” texted me later last night like “hey man, if you’re doing anything tomorrow let me know. Let’s hang”. Yeah fuck that, I need to cut these people out immediately. My buddy tried to add me to their groupchat where they just shit on people all the time and I just told him no. I like certain people but I hate that group overall.
In all this, I discovered one thing. When I’m stressed or not getting laid after going out or hitting up girls, I tend
to compensate by eating food to comfort me. I did this all time when I would go out hammered, and that’s why I was putting on weight before. I was eating to comfort me last night and immediately realized what I was doing and why I was doing it. Now I’m aware and can end that habit. Being sober allowed me to see this.
I also stood firm when they were trying to get me fucked up. Couldn’t compromise on that. They didn’t seem to care that much but I had to say no multiple times throughout the night.
Still had a fun night when I was talking to people and did my own thing, but I totally see how negative influences are so dangerous to self-improvement and development. Anyways, I rescheduled that date for this afternoon so I guess a quick lesson on toxic people was worth it.