Nah, actually I got depressed and only started getting laid back in St4 with 4 differents girls in a month
I’m starting to actually feel a little bit of acceptance. It’s not always there, but I feel like my mind is getting used to the sharp knives of I am. Maybe it’s just a phase, maybe it’ll start doing better.
My knee is slowly doing better, but I still can’t really walk, It’s a pain to walk to fill my bottle of water from the counter… sooo yeah, I still have to be patient.
Also, I was supposed to get a date this weekend, I have no idea if it’s a good idea. I would have to go to her place and just sit and wait… what!
I just had a meeting with my team members they told me they felt they were only three working members of their team. And I was the one not there because I was never avaliable.
So, I left my job, had the talk with my team and we decided we are going to start working from the basic.
Now, for that I think Mastermind will really help me, I not an organized person from the start so I need a little help to get me there.
I’ll be honest I really want to switch stack, but I still think I need more healing. I feel better now, but it’s only because of the team discussion I just had that removed a big weight off my shoulder. How is stacking two terminus titles?
Like one on monday wednesday and friday and the other one on tuesday and Thursdays? I don’t know if it’s doable. I still have at least a month before I can have active sex so I don’t really plan on approaching like crazy, but I still might want to developp Khan, my organization and planning, eye of the storm which would be amazing for me since I have a tendency to take lots of substances to “boost myself” because of bad habits, also discordia deliverance I would like to try because of my internal hate for the world I should get under control and release slowly. What do I do. What do I doo!
I’m definitly noticing results from my healing sub. Right now I am having trouble to walk and really find it difficult to accept it. But since starting my healing sub, I can spend my whole day sitted down and I can accept the fact that my body needs it. I’m more and more at peace.
In 2019 when I injured myself, I was sooo angry, really having difficulty accepting I had trouble cooking and doing my own stuff. Now it is easier, I don’t feel all that anger.
I’m processing more and more the healing, I feel lighter. Making more jokes, I am more myself.
Days are boring, but I can’t wait to be able to walk again.
I’m finishing my second day break this weekend. Starting tomorrow back at listeting my terminus custom!
Today is the day they remove my stiches.
I feel like my journal is a boring ass journal, I was talking to like three girls, I can’t go on dates with them usually it’s a lot of timing to go on a date.
I’m also studying, I’ll try to organize myself more and make my team feel safe.
I have a lot of that “everything will be all right” confidence, but I notice there is not a lot of people who think that. They have lot of anxiety and need to be reassured. Same with girls on dates, usually I take a strong lead on dates. I think I need to do the same in a teamwork to reassure my team and make everyone feel secure.
Anyway, I might start alternating between healing and action to see how it grows, as yo guys know, I hate healing and this is my fourth week. I was thinking of alternating with something else to maybe accelerate growth.
Also, BA’s Rebirth protocol seems like a good option to explore, maybe in combinaison with regeneration or something. The sea is large and there is a lot to explore.
I stopped all of my ultima Ultima this week to give a break to my brain. I know Ultima are usually pretty dense to work. I was running 1 terminus, 2 regular Q loop, and 1-2 ultima per day.
This week I decided to lower my mental charge by dropping to 1 terminus and 1-3 Q loops per day.
Today I’ll be running :
1 loop Emperor+SS Terminus
1 loop Regeneration Q
1 loop PCC Q
1 loop Custom Emperor Fitness+Spartan
The healing seems to be doing great, this week I feel lighter, lot less reconciliation and lot less negative emotions. I am starting my physiotherapy this friday to re-muscle my left leg which lost a lot of flexibility and strength. They forgot to give me the exercice list at the hospital so the doctor had to give it to me two weeks later…
I’ve stopped talking to girls, I don’t feel like going on dates really. I “walked” with my crutch for 45 minutes with my brother yesteray and my knee got swollen. I don’t know if it’s normal, but the fact that I feel my knee hurting and being super tensed reminds me that I am not invincible and really hits my self confidence and ability to take risk. Usually I am the type of guy who drives fast and am competitive, but since my operation, I am more hesitant, driving slowly, not engaging people too much and prefer staying home. Like I’m reminded of my own weakness!
Ok! I need to share this, it’s crazy growth!
I’ve ran my first loop of Discordia Deliverance. The girlfriend of my roommate talked about a really triggering subject for me, which is the way men are opressing woman and the tyrannical patriarchy is making victims… Her words.
Usually I get triggered. This time, I really reflected, the anwser came to me. “How can the person that abused me be the victim here?”. I’ve been verbally and sometimes physically abused by my mother (and I am no victim here, lots of people lived worst than me), but when I hear people complaining about how men are opressing woman, and I’ve live the exact opposite during my childhood (woman abusing me, my father and my two brothers), it just light me on fire.
Then, after understanding this, I read about toxic masculinity and recognised that a part of me was toxic. Masculinity is like a fire. And if you don’t use the fire proprely or pour gazoline onto it, you are going to burn yourself. This is the principle of toxic masculinity. I still don’t like how it’s called, but I think it’s the same principle of : Too much of a good thing.
Also, I developped a lot more empathy, now I see how they might feel towards men. In fact, they are just like me. Might have been abused by men when they were younger, foubd feminism and rallied to it (which is well accepted into society), and joined the more radical movement which tend toward men hating. Combine that with low confidence, a sentiment of being powerless against the “patriarchy” and not taking accountability for everything in their life (which is one of the first principle of developping the self) and you get a beautiful hate mixture. The only difference is that I see that it is wrong to hate woman. Hate people in fact. Hate is bad (some exception could be made, I am not totally aware of that). Totally hating woman because one woman abused me? I don’t want that for me.
Discordia deliverance really made the difference here, it is crazy how one loop of terminus and I already feel much lighter inside
Amazing to read your process.
This seems to be about much more than just an intellectual analysis of the subject. It seems to be about an increase in your healing and internal power that leads you to feel less threatened by particular statements or points of view.
As a result of feeling safer and more sufficient within yourself, you are more generous with your empathy.
A lot of times people argue and debate without being aware that we’re all walking around emotionally and mentally compromised. In such a condition, you may have a good point or part of a good point but my need to protect myself may overwhelm my ability to hear it. My mind is overwhelmed by my own fear and pain.
Healing and thriving are crucial.
I am so proud my friend, you have no Idea how long I was lived with hatred toward woman that I kept repressing because of how “non valid” I belive this hatred is… I still think I need some work to it, but living this breakthrough was crazy.
I just did one month complete of I Am, which primed me for Discordia Deliverance I think, and allowed such a fast breakthrough! Healing and increased internal power definitly happened!!
Great and mature take on masculinity and feminism. In which custom do you run discord deliverance? Terminus build still?
I forgot to share it. Ok, well I am a bit ashamed because I keep telling myself that I’ll run subs for longer period of time. I’ve made a new one, and was so excited to see Discordia Deliverance and Eye of the Storm out and I wanted to have both of them to help me, first of all with all my internal bitterness and hate, which I kept repressing because I didn’t knew how to deal with. And second of all to deal with my nicotine addiction, binging addiction and help me build good habits.
It doesn’t mean I am abandoning my Healing Emperor, seeing the breakthrough I just had, my god, it really worked hard! But I think I’ll alternate between action phases and healing to see how growth is coming.
Khan St4 Q Core - Khan was probably my prefered sub of all Power Can Corrupt Q Core - Influence people more and protect myself Sex & Seduction Q Core - Persuasion, sales, charisma, etc. Dominion - Feel I can control my reality Joie de vivre - These four for focus, life enjoyment, being in the present, etc. Ego Adsum Unrelenting Wealth and motivation Carpe Diem Productivity Unleashed Health Codex - For good sleep and nutrition, which are cornerstone to a good functionning brain! Deep Sleep Ares Blue Skies New Beginnings Discordia Deliverance - HAD to have it in my custom Eye of the Storm - Also really wanted to have it! Potentiator -Develop the awareness of my potential! Iron Frame Panther Mastermind -Become more organized (and also planning and stuff).
this gonna be fun
Don’t expect too much story for now, I am not even walking and my knee is still hurting like shit hahahaha
Went to the grocery this morning and while I was waiting to pay, I intuitively started planning how I was going to put everything in the bag. Also, yesterday before sleep I did a list and a reminder of every chapter I had to read today.
Mastermind is starting to push me organizing and planning It’s funny, but I just do it intuitively, like “oh, it’s the first step to do my work and it takes a second, better do it now”. And just like that I am building a new habit (eye of the storm)!
Saw some post about people complaining about the teacher in UOttawa. I am so exposed to this woah hahaha, usually I don’t see this in my feed or anything, but because my two roomates’s girlfriends are feminist and really engaged to defend social victims from the patriarchy, I seem to be exposed so much to stuff that might trigger me.
Basically a teached at UOttawa used the N word as an example of words that could be appropriated by a culture. A student got offended and they suspended the teacher after that student complained.
It really bothers me that they did that. Big setback from free speech and a lot of people supporting the right to minorities seems to miss the point of how important free speech was to free slaves from opression or for the feminism movement to grow I can’t imagine a world where I can defend their point, and I consider myself a pretty creative person.
Right now I am thinking about how they must feel they don’t have any resources to help them (helplessness), projecting their inner problems into the world. Keeping the empathy present in my mind until the anger goes away.
I feel like this might goes out of hand one day, and maybe I’ll have to do something about this.
Awesome! it’ll be good to hear about Discordia deliverance and Eye of the Storm
Is this Terminus or Q?
Are you stacking the two or alternating/ i.e. what’s your listening routine/plan?
yeah, it’s the sub I want to alternate with my healing for maximal growth. I included both module in the custom I’ll alternate my Emperor+SS+I AM with. It’s more of a “surfing” sub which should include everything I need to function, hope I’ll be able to use it long term, and take “healing break” during the year.
Actually, I have a lot of hate in me so when I saw DD in the store, I had to jump on it.
But basically it’s a Khan+PCC+SS base, and I added Discordia Deliverance and Eye of the Storm into it because I knew both of them were important for me. Now these emotions are under control
So your running the Khan custom solo and will take a healing break for Emperor at points?
Hmmm, plan for now, I’m thinking alternating between both of them. Maybe 1 month healing 1-2 month Khan. Or something like this, it’s hars to tell at this level I’m not used to experiment with healing!