[STACKED] Fractal's Journey (StarkQ: Terminus, Ultaimte Artist and DREAMS)


#21

Today I started to get my old anxious habits back. Getting stuck in the past too much, then my body reliefs the stress by coughing or sighing. So I decided to up the dosage of SQT and UA today to 2X each. I’m playing them around lunch and the second batch in the evening. This could be reconciliation, but I have some doubts since it is old habits that were dying off when I was listening to Stark for the first time. I’ll see how I am tomorrow.

Other than that, a pretty normal day. Making good progress on my project, not much issues encountered today. I’m getting at the stage where it could be good to get people to test it and get feedback. However I always have that “it isn’t ready yet” feeling. I think a core fear here is if the feedback is negative, I’ll loose motivation to continue working at it and will instead give up on it. But this is just a natural part of the creation process, so I have to get over that.

For the first night in a while, maybe since starting StarkQ, I had trouble sleeping. I also think this is because of playing SQT less. I’m not sure if this is a good sign or not? Like my mind was busy thinking of things, so clearly it wasn’t as burdened processing affirmations. Maybe it’s good to let it form new thoughts, even if they aren’t always positive, so that the subliminal has new “content” to work with?


#22

It seems that the 2X a day is working better. I have less of that anxious feeling from yesterday, so I’ll be sticking to this schedule for a bit. My dreams were also more adventurous and explorational, evoking feelings of curiosity. Rather than being confrontational or hunted causing feelings of suspense and fear.

Actually one cool one was this night ski up to the Arctic that a guy was leading me to. There was a rocket there right on the north pole to launch into space. The whole reason we were going is because he said there was something very special about the view. I don’t remember if we launched or not.:pensive: But after I was chasing a cat on the way back because I was worried about it being cold that far up north lol. I just found the north pole part interesting because it could relate to my “true north.”

One thing I realized today is I’m a bit more shielded from the “stress energy” of people near me. Like the other day someone was all freaking out about something they say I have to watch and I had no interest. I just wanted to continue doing my own thing and know whatever going on there is beyond my control. They got a bit offended and annoyed, like they needed me to freak out with them. Because of this, they were accusing me that I don’t care about their opinion etc etc. It’s all good now though.

In general other people’s problems and stresses don’t go in to me as much either. I think before I used to be like a sponge absorbing all that. It’s not like I care less about people, just the energy I spend is more protected and not as freely given, I guess?


#23

Woke up with some bad neck + shoulder pain and a headache. I don’t know if this was overuse, because this kind of thing is common for me unfortunately. Listened to a muscle relaxation binaural and it seemed to help a little then my workout got rid of it.

Not too much eventful things to talk about. I’m still chugging along well with my project. I’ve been having good luck with finding bugs and fixing them pretty quick and also finding resources for things I need to learn. StarkQ manifestations at work here again?

Speaking of manifestations, the angel numbers are still around and can get crazy sometimes. Check my phone, time is 11:11 and battery charge is 44%. Both are numbers I see a lot. I was curious about the meanings, so I started looking into them and the 1 seem to be a reminder about self-esteem and loving yourself. Each site about this seems to have slightly different takes though. While the 4 seems to be about achieving goals. So that is interesting, because both are things I’ve been really trying to work on lately. It’s way beyond coincidence at this point.

Then @Malkuth opened my eyes to astrology that I didn’t take much interest in before (thanks again). I feel like so many dots are connecting but still have much to learn. Internally, I’ve been feeling there’s a big struggle going on, old beliefs and values vs new discoveries, positive outlook on life vs negative memories, acting vs giving up, seeking spiritual truths vs trying to succeed in the material. Can’t think of a more appropriate song than this:


#24

Enjoy your journey. There’s so much to see and learn.

Astrology is just another set of tools and ideas. Nothing is more important than the mind behind the tools and ideas. If they (the tools and ideas) are useful and accurate, then use ‘em; if not, toss them back in the bag. Skepticism is good. There’s no substitute for your own wise judgment, and every single system has garbage mixed in with the good.


#25

Thank you, certainly wise words! Now that I’m thinking about it more, I also didn’t like being “controlled by the stars” and wanted to define myself. However, some new ideas are running though my mind. Such as maybe it is a useful tool to find good traits that haven’t been realized yet. And maybe we do have influence on when being born, leaving behind a bit of a manual through astrology for who our spirit desires to be. Don’t know if that is how it works, but it has certainly got my curiosity going and providing new things for me to look into.


#26

I didn’t get a chance to run my 2X schedule today and was only able to run once for each, so I’m going to try experimenting with running at night tonight. I hope to wake up in the middle of the night and then put them on loop until morning, hopefully it won’t be overdone. But I’m curious if I’ll get any of those strange lucid / premonition dreams happening that I’ve heard some people have experienced with SQT. I won’t be playing any subs tomorrow again.

Not too much interesting things happened today or any thoughts to ponder about, it was a lazy day. I am starting to notice some other things, but I’ll save those updates for the weekly one tomorrow as they more happened throughout the week.


#27

Week 5

My Personality:

  • I’ve noticed that this week I wasn’t as chirpy as the last ones and a bit more solemn. I’ve also had more questions and doubts. Today I was even wondering if the subliminals are even working on me. This all sounds like reconciliation. For me it seems that SQT penetrates deeper at the issues I’m facing, while SQ was giving me a bit of a “high” in the first weeks. Maybe the excitement of starting something new like this also had an influence?

  • A large change I can’t ignore is the different playing schedule. I was playing SQ as much as possible, so I didn’t really give my subconscious time to think, instead it was always listening. Maybe this is what could cause the attitude change? Sometimes I would feel like my old self again, today was also like this.

As for productivity:

  • I’m caring less and less about the news and any other things I deem distractions. Like my email is getting filled with unread newsletters that most I don’t even care to read, delete or mark as read. This is likely because I’m spending much more free time to work on my project, self healing, or if I feel like a break it is dedicated to a movie, game, etc. not mindlessly browsing. I’m also much less prone to fall into a youtube rabbit hole for hours.

  • I find I’m critiquing entertainment more as I enjoy it too, which is probably tied UA.

  • I get more annoyed if I feel someone is wasting my time. Like I was trying to search for an answer for something and came across a news article, the writer thought they should tell their whole life story before leading to the facts. I just left the site and moved on. Typically, I would waste time trying to find the facts.

Today:

I slept all though the night, so I didn’t get a chance to play it at night. I’ll have to give it a shot tonight again. It was a nice day with family today, so I was busier during this detox day. Was really tired the whole day though. Maybe it was good that I wasn’t able to play overnight haha.


I had a successful EMDR session today and wrote this right after finishing:

I may have a kind of fear of being noticed for something that could define my character. This could be something like my art, even if I was proud of it, the more meaningful it is, the more afraid I am of showing it. This may be because if it isn’t received well, to me it is not just a rejection of my work but a rejection of me.

This root seems tied into relationships and my personality defining me too. This realization is really hurting because I feel sick at how shallow I was at some points. Even my friendships as a child, I would hope people that I’m friends with would also be approved by others, (older sibling, parents, friends etc) to the point that I even ended or avoided relationships with people that weren’t received well. I let myself be ruled by a definition of what others thought I should be. I was really malleable too, I can find instances where, likely unintentionally, my perspective of others was greatly shifted by small and “harmless” remarks that people made about them.

I think this eventually made making new relationships a challenge because I always have that weight of wondering what others think of this person, not just valuing what I think.

What makes me mad is all the above is 100% A-Grade bullshit, yet it had so much power over me. As I got older, I stopped caring about this as much, however by that point the damage was already done and lacked social experience. But I didn’t fully realize how this belief worked in me till now and that I’m not innocent either.


This all seems like a branch from the poor self confidence tree. I still can’t really narrow it down to where this low self confidence started. All the events I’ve mentioned previously happened when I was already heading in that direction and susceptible to these things. A person with high self confidence would not have had much issue dealing with my troubles.

In my research I’ve found they’re studying genes that may be a self-loathing gene. It isn’t definitive yet, but the theory is that people with these genes may be less receptive to oxytocin. Don’t know if I could be one of those, but I found a binaural beat for producing oxytocin that and am testing it right now. There’s also a lot of “Hand on the Heart” meditations that are popular. I was doing something similar unknowingly years ago and had good results.

This was a long one, the good thing about these detox days is they force me to put effort in my journaling because of the extra time!


#28

I got to play SQT overnight last night. I didn’t experience any abnormal things to report on. I also wasn’t extra tired from doing that, so I might start adding a single night listen every night. I still don’t know what to look for what my limit is. Is it just tiredness and headaches or also experiencing less changes? It’s hard to measure changes though, so I don’t find that an ideal way to do it.

Some more good progress on my work, not much hiccups either. Soon the important core features will be complete and then I’ll start adding content. This part will be less demanding on the brain but just take time to complete and test. After that, I plan to start showing it to people I know and get an idea on if it is good or needs some kind of improvement.

I wasn’t as in my head today, so I don’t have much updates there. I think I got a bit exhausted from yesterday’s journaling.Though I am getting a feeling that the days just aren’t long enough. I think this could be the greater ambition I have started to have, so now there is a lot more that I want to do in a day.


#29

I got lazy on my updates recently. There’s just not too much to report on currently. Playing once at night is still going good for me it seems. So now it’s usually twice during the day for both subs, then once at night when I wake up in the middle of the night. I’m not getting headaches or anything like that. Tiredness isn’t too bad either, I think playing StarkQ all day and night made me more tired.

I think I am dealing better with stressful situations and try to see more positive outcomes. I try not to let my mind linger on negative imaginations or bad future predictions. I hope this helps bring more positive manifestations but even if it doesn’t work that way, it is just healthier to think like that.

I still haven’t had another lucid dream since the one I posted about a couple weeks ago. Maybe I’m impatient, but I am having concerns that it could have been a coincidence. I keep wondering what actually triggered it, and I’m thinking maybe the spinning and breaking in the car also contributed to making me lucid. I’m terrible at starting dream check habits. I’ll like do it once and then forget lol.


#30

I have more interesting things to report today, largely about a dream that I had last night. It’s a continuation of my ever changing reflection in my dreams.

To recap my first reflection was a pre-teen child version of me. I saw this as a symbol of recapturing childlike wonder and passion for life. Then weeks later, I saw a more mature version of myself but had feminine features. This was initially a shock to me, but I see it now as a symbol of wholesomeness, inner beauty and just being kinder to myself. This newest reflection was now a hyper masculine version of me that I see as igniting my inner power and of course becoming more alpha.

The dream started out as I’m packing for a long trip and am leaving home. The feeling in the air was a sort of melancholy maybe? Like the feeling of goodbye. Trips are also a reoccurring symbol to me, they mean finding yourself and the world. I love road trips and often the memories that I retain are the ones where we get lost (no google map back then) and discover some interesting nook and cranny in the world. It’s also a chance to reinvent yourself for a moment. I was feeling all of that, but then I dropped a jar of salsa got it all over my shirt.

So now I need to do laundry and wash the shirt, I eventually find myself in front of the mirror and I have muscles that don’t even exist in real life! Like full on hulk out, really shredded but, also dividing themselves up into more fibers and shapes. My subconscious always finds ways to surprise me. I probably woke up shortly after since I don’t remember much more.

Overall the whole theme of the dream was really about becoming my own man. Leaving on a long trip, not knowing where I’m going or when I’m coming back. It’s totally taking charge of life and getting out of my comfortable but, boring loops. Then finally the hulk mode was way over exaggerated masculinity and strength to end the dream.

Is my subconscious now agreeing with StarkQ, that it’s finally time to hit the road of life and discover the ultimate me? I hope so!


#31

I think I have found the best balance for me with StarkQ:T. I’m not getting as much “old self syndrome” but also don’t have too much reconciliation to deal with. It is once during the day once in the evening and then one at night (this also includes UA after). Then rest day on Sunday, so I’ll be going with that for now.

I haven’t been working as much on my projects lately, it has more been spent on watching the stocks with how nutty the market is right now. Next week I should be back on track again.

I had a dream that pissed me off last night, I also felt it is a reoccurring dream. But I don’t know if that is true or my mind playing tricks on me, all I know for sure is I have a lot of hate for this dream. It’s kind of like the hunger games with oppressive governments.

We’d sit and work all day at this amphitheater like structure, then the gov was after me so I was playing dead. They found me anyways so I fled and jumped away. They went to another colony where a friend was and captured him, beating him to get info where I was. It then cuts to where children are indoctrinated in the slave labor of this society by collecting flowers and then handing them to their officer at the end of the day. Essentially taking a child’s game and turning it into slave labor. It ended very strangely and gory, the officer for the children was sharpening a pencil in an electric sharpener and I just had a feeling that I knew that his finger would get in it, like I’ve seen this before. First time he put it in, it worked fine, but second time it malfunctioned and his finger got shredded. The gory scene woke me up.

I’m not certain if my subconscious is venting some of my feelings on the global lock down situation. I basically have fears that governments are going to take advantage of this situation and try to get more power over people’s lives. We’ll see how they act once the smoke clears.

The other option is the oppressive government is a metaphor for deep rooted fears of change again or something of that sort. I’m not certain on this dream. Just the intense hate I felt for it.


#32

Week 6

  • Something more UA focused, I noticed lately that I can more easily make music in my head than before. I’m not a musician btw, I just do that for fun. However, this will come in handy one day when I need to make some songs. I’ll probably use a midi sequencer though and not a real instrument. I learned guitar a bit before, but I probably forgot almost everything by now.

  • I haven’t remembered my dreams since that one I was complaining about in my last post. I wonder if my mind thought, “that’s enough” after that dream and disabled the dream remembering for now?

  • I was getting a bit less motivated to journal this week. I think it could be that I just don’t have much interesting things to mention or maybe I’m more on auto pilot so I’m thinking about these things less.

  • My workouts the past couple days have been pretty weak. I just kind of want to finish them up so I don’t push as hard. I eventually get into them near the end. I don’t know if this is related to the subs though, as it is highly likely I’m just bored of doing my limited home workouts.

  • Upon reading the 3 paragraphs above, it seems there’s a lot of negative stuff here. I’m debating now if my 3 times a day stack is good or not :dizzy_face:


I went through my dream journals to update my dream dictionary and found some patterns:

  1. First since starting SQT on May 2nd, I’ve had 3 dreams in a game or simulation setting while before, I had 3 spread out in March to May 1st. These ones usually have a feeling of hyper progression and leveling up. I think this ties into the processing of SQT.

  2. I also used to have dreams where I was crammed in large spaces with people such as a movie theater or warehouse, these kinds of dreams have stopped since the end of April. Maybe SQT has affected this too? These usually imply feelings of being insignificant and not standing out from the crowd.

  3. By far my favorite dreams are ones in starry night skies, however I’ve only had two of them since recording. These ones feel like a connection to something grand and important.

  4. Other common ones are imprisoned or oppressed children that I try to help (if I exist as a character), being on the run from some government power, and road trips.


Today:

Still doing my dopamine detox stuff. I think I might get really tired on these days where I don’t play any subs. I’ll have to start (originally typed that as stark haha :crazy_face:) keeping track of that because I was pretty tired today. Did have some temptations to play a game or have some sweets, but I resisted. I had to listen to music again though.

Did another EMDR and focused on my fear of failure. This is something that has been bugging me all week to come out, so I thought doing EMDR and journaling would satisfy.

First started out going through times that I failed and wondering why, then I went on about what will I do if I fail again? It really made me give up on life last time something like that happened, so I have a fear of finishing something, because I worry the same thing could happen again. I think this could also lead into a self sabotage that I subconsciously, or maybe even consciously, delay finishing something so I never have to deal with that.

It ended with seeing that it isn’t just about financial success. What I’m working on is something that I enjoy. I’m also learning new skills that will make me better next time. Maybe even open opportunities that I didn’t expect. Just because I fail again doesn’t mean it was all for nothing. I could even learn things about better marketing, what went right or wrong etc.

My thought said to me, “So instead focus on the enjoyment of creating and realizing your vision. Then do the most you can to make it a success. Failure is a part of living that everyone goes though.”

I also gave myself evidence of success that I don’t focus on too much. This is because those projects weren’t financial successes, some were made with the intention of being free. But the people that played those really enjoyed them and were dying for more. I can’t do that though, because I need to make some cash this time.


#33

I was so close to meditate into a lucid dream / astral project last night. I always reach this plateau and can’t go farther. I’m pretty sure there’s a fear of the unknown and maybe not being able to control my thoughts that is preventing me. I didn’t get so hot and sweaty this time though so that is some progress. Getting the tingles, stretching, floating, sometimes some sounds or a short voice. I try a few different techniques but I think focusing too hard on the techniques worsens it for me. I’m for sure a bit too impatient while it’s happening.

I’m getting back on track with my project now. This morning I was saying to myself, “this will be my most productive week.” so I’m going to try to live up to that. Today I figured out a problem that I haven’t touched for a while and in my mind while not working on the project, I was coming up with solutions to try. So that was really helpful to get it done quicker.

This could have been a manifestation of what I need: I’ve been reading a weekly blog for tips on design and the article series eventually turned into marketing tips, which is what I really need to know.

Back to having dreams again, some stray kittens and their mother took over a bird nest in a tree and then I took them into a shelter. Nice having something cute and silly after the last one.


#34

I wasn’t able to reproduce the same meditation effect as last time when trying to fall asleep lucid. It really is a hit or miss for me so far, haven’t found that perfect method for me yet. (Hmm just saw another angel number as I type this, 11:11)

I’m still progressing on my project. I feel that I need to start making a check list of what I need to do now. Before I was iterating and going with the feel but now that it’s exiting a prototype phase, I need to change around how I go about working on this, or else I’ll just keep tweaking and tweaking. Tomorrow I’m going to start on that.

Had a very long feeling dream last night, you know those ones that are like a saga of multiple dreams? I don’t remember all of it though because it was so long. Very quest focused and game-y. Was infiltrating a big facility with many levels. Each level has a kind of puzzle or obstacle. I think I was trying to free people enslaved by the company or something like that.

In the past couple days, my loops have gone down to 2 a day instead of 3 btw. This wasn’t intentional, just wasn’t waking up at night to put them on.


#35

Got my new to do list made today and attempted to set up testing on my phone, but ran into a lot of hurdles there when trying to get that stuff even set up. It seems I can’t use what I have for testing and have to find some alternative. Might just continue on the project while I think of solutions for that.

Had a very surreal dream last night. A hose of oddities that had a shard of glass with other people peeking through the reflection, people shrinking to the size of a mouse, there was a connection to another dimension in the house too. I think a swat team from that dimension was trying to raid the house or something, I don’t remember much of the plot though. Most trippy dream I’ve had in a while. Actually since running StarkQ, I found my dreams became more logical, you know like less fantastical things in it and more humans. This one was certainly an exception. Maybe SQT is slowly changing this?


#36

Today I realized when looking at my list that this project is going to take a long time to finish at the pace I’m going. So I’m getting more serious to get my my ass in gear. It is do-able though, that is the most important thing. Usually I would let the scope get out of hand and make it impossible for one person to finish, unless they spend years on it. There’s still a few unknowns like the business/marketing side, building/testing and music that I don’t know how long will take since I don’t have much previous experience there.

This 3 loops spread out is going very well for me I think. It seems the self healing isn’t as drastic now, I think it is because I really focused on my darkest fears and memories in the past few weeks. They aren’t 100% sorted out, but I have understating of my core issues, so it isn’t an incomprehensible monster anymore.

I had a really detailed dream last night and there was lots of meanings to dissect out of it. I still don’t have complete understanding of it yet so I need to think of it some more. I might make another post about it tomorrow though because it is already late.


#37

I’ll try to break that dream I mentioned in my last post.

It started at a dentist + hair salon + lounge. Employees were obsessed with enforcing social distancing on customers but weren’t following the rules themselves. On my way out I saw a woman on a sofa wearing a wedding dress and she looked like she was in a trance. The employees said she works here but has been wearing that dress for days.

It turned out she was being mind controlled and opened the door to the place at night to let a crime organization in the building and they messed the place up. There was some “flashbacks” to why the gang is doing this but I don’t remember it all. I think the boss had some beef with one of the employees and they fought them off. The boss was disguised as a homeless person so he could watch them be harassed by his henchmen.

Now it’s the next day and they arrive at the place in a mess. The gang shows up once again and they try to defend the place peacefully. I’m inside looking out at the street where they are. Then all three employees stabbed by a long sword at once, right up against the window. People flee but the gang comes in the building, make some demands and I think takes the girl in wedding dress.

Now I kind of fade out of the dream and become an observer. I now follow this worn out detective who has been hunting this gang boss because they used to know each other, maybe were even friends back in the day. He arrived at the gang’s club and talked to the boss. The boss pretends to start choking and hands the detective a needle to pierce the hole in his Adams apple so he could breath. The detective ponders this is his chance to kill the guy, but then thinks this is actually a trap. He ends up not doing anything and was right, the guy was pretending.

However, he still gets his goons to attack the detective and the detective runs out the building. As he’s running there is a woman sprinting across the street and it seems she needs help, but he is all paranoid that she works for him too and it’s another trap, so he keeps running away.

Eventually gets to a big parking lot and there is a crowd gathering under a elevated highway. Someone is on a crane and is about to jump. The detective tries to stop her but the crane moves and she looses grip and falls. Oddly when the detective gets close to her, she looks similar but is now a man. He landed ok and was laughing and cried, “I can’t just take being beaten down anymore.” Then someone else in the crowd that looked like Captain America (and I think he was also defending in the dental lounge earlier) said, “I know exactly what you mean.”

Now a song started playing as the camera panned out, it felt like an ending to a movie or something. The lyric was something like “My life was so incredible, my body so resilient” I tried goolging the lyrics but didn’t find an exact match, but The Logical Song by Supertramp came up as a close match and the vocals sounded similar to that song. I wonder if my mind remixed it.


I’ll try breaking down the meaning now.

I found an interesting relation to the wedding dress, “Negatively, a wedding dress may represent the personality choosing to permanently give itself away to problems or negative influences. Wanting what’s bad for you or to permanently corrupt something about yourself.” So the woman in wedding dress could mean the marriage to bad influences, the unconscious habits I try to get rid of. She was fully brainwashed and taken over.

The polarity between the boss and the detective is interesting too, especially since they were once friends. The boss used every tool he could, extortion, violence, trickery and had multiple goons, while the detective was on his own and lived honestly.

I see the boss as the ugly aspect of the collective unconscious and the woman is a symbol of my marriage to those ugly aspects and unconscious habits. While the detective is the other higher self trying to make things right, or maybe the subliminals? Both were very clever, like Sherlock and Moriarty.

The pretend chocking could be me not wanting to consider the boss’ ideas, however he is more powerful than I think and was only pretending. It’ll take more time to completely shut him up.

The person jumping is the climax of not being able to take this battle anymore, but instead survives. The fact that it was a transforming person once again gives way to the polarities. This person fell, but ended up laughing as relief, in a way victorious. While the hero (Capt. America) knows exactly how that is, because the heroes we look up to in myths all go through some shit and come out stronger by the end of it. The lyric “My life was so incredible, my body so resilient” is like wrapping everything up, this battle is an incredible one, the battle of life and to live through it, you have to be resilient.

Whew, this ended up much longer than I anticipated.


#38

Today I didn’t get much work done at all. I got a bit infatuated with the charisma on command youtube channel, especially the ones about Russel Brand. I did learn some good stuff though, so I don’t consider it a waste of time.

I have this feeling now that I have to keep pushing. It’s a guilt that I’m wasting time, like a potential that’s there being unrealized. This is a good thing for me though, I need that kick in the butt to get going.

Playtime has gone down to 2X, I just started getting more tired so have reduced it again. I should get recharged after tomorrow because I won’t be playing anything.


#39

Week 7

I feel that the healing portions of the subliminal has lessened this week. Now it has started to focus more on production. However, I am not satisfied with the amount of work that I got done and need to do better.

It is like reality is setting in now and showing me, “This is what must be done. This is where you are at.” Before I was in a bit of a honeymoon stage with my project where I was just playing around, now things need to get serious if I want to actually see results.

I think if this happened to me too early, then I could have become too discouraged and demotivated. It also can destroy creativity. So it seems that Stark and my subconscious are revealing things to me at just the right time. A wizard is never late, nor is he early! :wink:

Dreams have become much more common for me. Actually it is more strange when I have no dreams now. I find that after longer or intense dreams, it is more likely that I won’t dream the next night. The quality of my dreams has slowed down since that long one I had a few days ago for instance.

Today

I was pretty tired today, just like last Sunday. So I think Stark can both energize and make you tired when you overdo it. On Sundays I’m not playing it at all, so it shows only the effect of maybe overdoing it without the energizing of Stark.

I didn’t get much done today either and took a break from doing healing stuff. Was outside at the park today, was a nice change of pace. There was a good amount of people there, seems like things are starting to get back to normal. I have to admit, it was strange to see a lot of people again just doing normal things, like a first day of school feeling.


#40

I had an important revelation today.

This morning, I really looked at myself looked in the mirror, put my hands on my heart and thought, “I accept you as you are. I know you did the best you could with the cards you were dealt.” I felt some intense emotions of release and they grew even more intense while having a shower after. It was like imagine having a friend that you would do anything for, they’re the world to you, but you feel they don’t care about you. They’ve even said they don’t like you. Now all the sudden they tell you something like I said above.

I always had some hatred toward myself. Recently when I started to try to change myself, I even took it more in a direction of hatred. A couple months ago, I did a similar mirror thing, but instead was thinking thoughts like, “You aren’t who I really am. You’re an imposter. The real me is fun, charming, successful, etc etc.” I was basically commending myself to hell while thinking this would force me to change into who I want to be.

I now realized this is not the way to go. It’s just burning down everything about you, and you deserve more than that. We can fall in love with people, places, things and ideas, but those things will all come and go. The only real constant we have in this life is ourselves and not accepting and appreciating all that you are will just bring misery.

I then realized this is what being alpha truly means to me. If I am all I need, then I can love other people because I choose to love them. Not because I hope to get love in return. If I want to do a certain job, it is because I choose to. Not because I feel like this is the only thing I could do, or my identity depends upon it. Living like this is like radiating light to the world around you. People like this are magnetic, because they are authentic. They always are content, no matter how high or low they are, because that constant is always there.

I’ve probably been my own worst enemy for most of my life and the part of me that has been beaten down for so long feels such relief that I appreciate it again. I can’t explain how strange this felt, like two pieces of me coming back together.