The sex mastery in this thing just kicked in on me, like hardcore. I don’t want to get too graphic here, so bear with me. The wife and I had an opportunity while the kid was asleep, and her symptoms weren’t getting in the way so we took it.
My arousal felt more intense than I can ever remember, and she got more physically aroused than she has in years really fast and with a lot less effort on my part than normal.
I felt more competent and coordinated during the act and she well… told me that thought so too. Also, I felt I was good for round two without a pause.
When I got to work, the guy I relieved kept talking to me, and told me several times how professional I am for a number of different things I do. This was a different guy from the one yesterday. It almost seemed like fawning behavior. Both of the co workers I’ve noticed that kind of thing from are… just kind of goofy in how they come off. I think that means that I am getting an increased level of respect from everyone, but it’s not as obvious from people who are better socially adjusted and more confident.
I need some advice here. My wife is on QL stage 1 partly to counteract MS symptoms. She listens during sleep, and she is not playing it every night anymore. She says that when she does, she feels extremely worn out and exhausted the next day. I am thinking that that is because it’s instructing her to repair her brain, and it’s trying. It’s hard on her because there is significant damage to repair. How should we adjust her listening pattern?
She eventually also admitted that she is concerned that it will improve her cognitive abilities enough that it will show the next time she takes the tests for that, and hurt her chances of getting disability (Yes, seriously). Not sure how to deal with that one.
- I started to write that I am now seeing all human relations in the context of a hierarchy. Some people are above others, and everyone has a level. Then I realized that I have always seen it that way.
What has changed for me is what aspect of it I am aware of, and perhaps my view of my place in it.
I used to be acutely aware of people who were “higher” than me. Depending on the time in my life, I probably saw most people as higher. I would be on some level afraid of them, didn’t feel like I could initiate contact with them, and was somewhat jealous of them. I either saw someone as higher/better than me, or on my level. I almost never saw anyone as below me.
This is probably typical of someone at the bottom of the social order. In ancient times, a “lower” person would have to be very cognizant of who was above him because offending or crossing them could be fatal.
Now, I see most people as being on my level, and I’m very aware of a few people who I see as below me.
Those two guys from the posts above are a good example. They are clearly trying to curry favor with me, and it makes me think that I’m higher on the pecking order than them. There is no urge to be cruel to them, or do anything about it at all, but it’s there.
This is common when you listen overnight. Listen during the day and cut back on the number of loops until she can tolerate it more.
When I got into work the sign in book was missing. I looked around for it, and didn’t find it. When I came back from asking the boss, it was lying there in plain sight. A while ago, I doubted myself a lot, and I would have thought that I had missed it lying there in the middle of the counter. I might even mentally berate myself for being stupid and un observant. This time though, I noticed one of my co workers was looking a little TOO innocent. This dude always looks like he’s up to something.
I laughingly called him on it, and he admitted that he’d had it all along.
This was kind of a silly incident, but it shows a couple of changes in me.
First off, I was able to figure out what happened instantly from the fact that I knew I’d looked there, and the atypical look on my co worker’s face. I didn’t second guess myself. Come to think of it, I’m second guessing myself a lot less in general, and I used to do that all the bloody time about everything.
Second, I mentioned it to him. I wouldn’t have done that. I would be too concerned about looking stupid if I was wrong or he made it look like I was wrong.
I had to call my Mother to ask for financial help. I was dreading this call. She’s been very helpful the last couple of years, but for the thirty nine before that she never missed an opportunity to call me a loser or otherwise degrade me every time I made a mistake. Hell, if I didn’t do anything wrong, she’d make something up and act like it was an indisputable fact. I’d guess that might be part of why I second guess myself so much. It was routine for me to know that I didn’t screw something up, but have her state with absolute certainly that I did and stick with it unshakably. I guess I started to doubt my own memory and sense of reality. Ok, that explains it.
Anyway, she didn’t do any of that while we talked about my fairly dire situation. She even said that anyone would be having trouble with all the stuff I’ve had to deal with, and that she respects me for dealing with it so well.
You could have knocked me over with a spaghetti noodle. I never in my life expected to hear the person who ran me down every day for well over thirty years say she respected me.
I had a very interesting interaction with a young woman today. She works at a shop that I’ve frequented for a few years. I’d always had an extended conversation with her when I’ve gone in there. She was always fun to talk to, had a good energy to her, and she’s quite cute.
Some time last year, she told me she was moving out of state with her husband. She was gone for a while, but when I walked in today she was back. I knew she had gotten divorced instantly on seeing her. That was odd, normally I’d have wondered what had happened. No, I just knew.
She confirmed it within a couple of seconds of conversation. Then she went on to tell me why. It was stiff that one wouldn’t normally share with a stranger. And the conversation got sexual. I didn’t try to guide it that way, maybe she did, but it went there. She even told me a couple of her relationship preferences, and that she watches porn. (Of all things that could come up). She kept REALLY strong eye contact with me the whole time, and may have given some body language cues. For my part, I don’t know if I was being flirtatious or not. Everything felt natural.
I just added in the COVID-19 sub. I’m running it one loop for every two of EQ. So far all I’ve noticed is that I’m sterilizing my work area a bit more often. I wasn’t very fearful to begin with, so no real change in feelings. I was taking prudent precautions before, I just seem to be tightening it up a bit.
I’m seeing the last few years while we’ve been having financial difficulties differently. I’ve kept our heads above water through a huge number of things going really wrong. Yeah, it sucked, but there aren’t many people who could have done it, and it would have left a lot as basket cases. I am mentally stronger and more emotionally stable than I’ve ever been even after that. I’m a badass. It just took me until now to really see it.
- As the night wears on, I’m having some very immersive daydreams. They’re re imaginings of things that happened. The theme is times that I’ve been treated badly in various relationships. I see myself reacting to the situations as I should have instead of how I did. It’s particularly focusing on my last ex (that one was a special kind of difficult to deal with) and the beginning of my relationship with my now wife.
There are several points in both relationships where if I had stood up for myself in the right way, I would be a lot better off, and my life might look quite different.
These daydreams cause almost as much emotion as if I had actually been there, and it feels pretty good when I do it “right.
I’ve been off work for the last two days, so I’ve been off of subs as well. It was a pretty rough weekend, and I didn’t react to it as well as I could have.
I got something in the mail which because of who it was from made me think that our financial situation was about to get a lot worse. I immediately went as close to freaking out as I have in a very long time. I have not had this level of physically felt stress or mental panic for a couple of years anyway. I was somewhat hostile with the wife, and that kind of set the tone for the weekend.
It turned out that it wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d thought, but I only found that out after I’d flipped my lid a bit.
The weekend was marred by conflict with my wife. The increased level of respect she has been showing me was not in evidence.
A little background here. For most of our seventeen years together, my wife has been borderline mentally abusive. She has a lot of anger and frustration, and (it seems to me) a need to feel superior to someone. She also HAS TO win every single conflict. She will escalate the smallest argument indefinitely no matter what my response is. Things have been getting better for the last year or so, but the last two days have been bad.
What she does is find anything that I did or didn’t do and act like it’s the worst thing in the world. For instance I left something out on the counter yesterday, and her reaction was better suited to someone who spent the kid’s college fund on hookers and meth.
For my part I had the same angry, defensive reaction I used to. I’m not sure if it’s coming from insecurity, or if I’m just kind of outraged that I’m doing all of the money making work, 90% of the housework, all of the yard work, and all of the problem solving work for four people and still getting a ration of crap for very small things.
This culminated in a very long drawn out argument last night. Neither of us would concede a point or give an inch. It was a complete waste of breath for both of us.
The good news is that though we were both frustrated, no one raised their voice or resorted to name calling.
The wife has quit using QL. Her rationale behind that is that if her cognitive skills improve, she might not be able to get disability. This means that she has given up on getting a job. This does not make me happy. IF she is able to get disability, it’s going to be nine months or more before we see money. We are likely not going to be in far worse trouble before that happens.
This morning the service behavior was back. When I got up she had filled up the car and was making my work lunch.
A lot more negative thinking was intruding this weekend than has been for quite a while.
I’ve not noticed anything that I can directly relate to the COVID 19 program.
I just read the product description for STARK. I’m tempted to switch. It aligns with all of my goals, and the image it’s supposed to portray is how I’ve always wanted to be seen. However I don’t want to mess up the test. I think I’ll purchase it tonight, and decide later when to switch.
This is most certainly reconciliation. If I had to guess, she has been noticing her cognitive abilities improve and that triggered a fear reaction, rationalized as “I won’t be able to get disability.” Not sure how you can explain that to her though.
Not trying to be a broken record, but reconciliation. Remember, it comes in waves and is generally cyclic.
Don’t give up on it. This is a title that will really kick in once there’s an actual danger. I’m running it as a preventative measure. Don’t wanna wait until we’re in the thick of things to start.
It’s that plus it was my idea and she resisted it at first. If it works, I was right. That seems to cause her a fear reaction of some kind as well. We have an…interesting…relationship. One I’m not sure I’d be in if I’d had this kind of thing available twenty years ago. I think I’m going to be focusing on myself a lot more from here on in.
As to my negative thinking, I think I just had a bad day.
- when I went in to work today, I had to go in a few minutes early to take care of something. I went without my gear I usually carry in, and I know I’ve mentioned changes to my body language before but it was especially pronounced today. I was standing up absolutely straight, I held my arms away from my body and they swung easily and naturally, and I walked with energy. This is flat amazing. I have had an issue with confident natural movements all of my life. I used to walk hunched over and pulled in. When I tried to fix it, as I did many times, I was stiff and looked robotic. I’m at least moving like the guy I want to be now.
When I got in, I noticed that my voice was louder, and I was being boisterous. I joked around with my co workers, and I even clapped my direct supervisor on the back while making some kind of smart ass remark.
Once again, this is HUGE. Friendly social interactions used to be very forced for me, I was just trying to be “normal”. Plus, I did not touch people. Not at all if I could help it. I really lacked the confidence.
In short, today really felt like a watershed day on the confidence front.
Where were these things 10 or 20 years ago? They’d have been useful.
I’m adding in Stark. I would say I couldn’t resist, but of course I could. I just didn’t want to once I’d read the description. The reason being that it should work more on my lack of sociability which I think has been a major sticking point in both my success and happiness in life.
I’ve always been quiet, aloof, and an introvert.
The thing is that I’ve never really been happy with that. I kept to myself as much because I was afraid to put myself out there as because I genuinely enjoyed solitude. While I am socially functional, I often find myself keeping to the outside of any group. I have missed out on opportunities in all aspects of my life because of my aloofness, and if I’m to get the most out of the rest of my life, I need to break out of my shell.
I will be running Stark and the COVID 19 program without EQ for the next week or so to see what it does. Then I will put EQ back in and continue the testing.
I’m about four loops in, and I’ve noticed a strong sense of energy pooling in my chest and torso area.
I’m getting a small sense of discomfort. It’s hard to describe but it’s not purely physical or mental. I think it’s reconciliation, and I think I know why it’s hitting me harder and faster on this program.
It’s challenging me to be more outgoing which, as I mentioned, I never have been. The quiet confidence and power I got from EQ wasn’t as big of a departure from my normal. sTARK is pushing me outside of my comfort zone and into completely new territory. Some part of my subconscious is saying “uh, are you sure you want me to do that?”.
This one could get interesting.
I’m into my third day of running SQ by itself. I’m not noticing that much at this point. I think that this one is pretty subtle. I had to really examine my thought patterns.
- I seem to be able to have a more objective look at my circumstances and accept the realities as they are. This is not in the context of giving up, but of figuring out where my starting point is so I can improve things. In other words I’m engaging in more strategic thinking rather than wishful or emotional thinking. I no longer think that I can wait for certain things to change. I need to accept that some of them won’t and figure out a way to get where I want to despite them. That’s not to say that some of them may not change, just that since change relies on things outside of my control, I can’t count on it.
Here are a few:
#1. I am on my own. I live with two other adults and a toddler, but both of the other adults have blanket medical excuses for not doing anything and that’s pretty much what they want to do. So not only am I on my own, but I’m on my own with four people worth of work and responsibility.
#2. My wife has given up. Rather than getting a job, she wants to wait and hope for disability. She is counting on me to make everything turn out OK until then.
#3. Help is not coming, or if it is, it’s not something I should count on. I need to plan to get us to a better place without a manifestation, stroke of luck, or piece of help from someone else. These things may happen, but I need to act as though they aren’t going to and find a way out of this anyway. I can only control my own actions and should only depend on myself. At least for now.
#4. There is a reason that previous subs that I’ve used to help solve this problem have been downright miraculous at manifesting what we needed to keep our heads above water, but I wasn’t able to manifest a more permanent solution to the problem with them. I’m not ENTIRELY sure of what that is, but it lies in my subconscious. Some of it may be coming from the wife’s subconscious. If so, I need to find a way around that because I can’t change it.
- It’s kind of frustrating. It’s very difficult to tell if the social aspects of this thing are working. I have virtually no social contact. The only test of this has been a brief encounter with the one woman who comes in on my shift. I joke around with her, and maybe flirt a little.
I made good eye contact with her, stood in a relaxed manner, and maintained good posture and all that. For her part, she joked back, and couldn’t seem to get enough of looking directly into my eyes. She’s off limits, of course, but I’m practicing. The only difference I noticed was that I broke eye contact by looking to the sides instead of down.
StarkQ feels a lot more subtle than EmperorQ. I sometimes wonder if it’s doing anything at all. It is of course, it’s just harder to see. I seem to be more internally focused these last few days though it’s more figuring out how to get where I want to be than navel gazing and asking why. Not that the whys and wherefores aren’t important at all, but I’m only interested in them if knowing helps to find a solution.
- I’m getting a strong sense of frustration about the condition of my life. I am simply not living the life I want to. The sense that I can’t live that life is dissipating. For most of my life I have had the attitude that I have to settle for what comes my way rather than being able to get what I want. I am starting to get a glimmer of a notion (I mean on a deep level) that I can go after what I want.
I’ve been frustrated about life for quite a while, but this time it’s different. It used to be more of a visceral anger/panic feeling. Now it’s more on an intellectual level. I still have a strong sense that things need to change, but I can now look at what is dissatisfying about each part of my life, why it is the way it is, and what I would like that part to be like. While I have not come up with any concrete plans on any of it yet, this is a first step.
The basic areas I would like to change are:
Financial. I’d like at the very least to get to a point where I am not worrying about if I’m not going to be able to pay the bills, have some money to do what we want, and some set aside. This does include buying a new home in a better area, and newer better vehicles. Still, I don’t have any real grandiose aims here.
Career. I have been trying to get into a public service career for a very long time. I’ve had issues with the structured type of interview they do in that field for years, but when I finally was hired I did an odd kind of self sabotage type of thing. I actually have a partial plan for this. A couple of months ago, I emailed support here about the possibility of getting a custom subliminal for the hiring process and the OJT phase specific to the line of work and to the issues I had. I have not received a reply, so I will have to follow up. I think that could be really useful.
Social life. I have no close friends in the local area to do things with. This is quite boring. I also really don’t have any kind of networking for professional reasons. I think both of these things stem from the fact that I haven’t been real social for almost my entire life.
Relationship. The relationship with my wife needs a touch up. A lot of this isn’t under my direct control, but I’ll do what I can.
Sex life. Our relationship is open, at my insistence since the beginning. I haven’t taken much advantage of that. I would like that to change, and I think it can, but that’ll have to wait until the virus goes away.
- I am pleased to report that Stark doesn’t have the libido killing effect on me that EQ did.
- I remember having a dream last night (this morning in my case). I don’t remember too many details, but then again I don’t usually remember dreaming at all.
There was some kind of major threat going on which would require me to shoot people (or monsters or zombies or something) to defend myself and my family. I was somewhat panicked because I didn’t think I had any ammo or magazines. I realized that I did have some, but when I found them, the mags were made of rubber and were difficult to get into my rifle. I didn’t think that was good, but thought I would make it work because I had to.
A bit more introspection today. No real external results to notice. The present circumstances both of my life and the wider world aren’t really conducive to being able to see if there have been any major changes in how others react to me, or being able to put any kind of major life change into action. I’m in a holding pattern, and I’m probably going to be in it for a while. I think that the subs are doing me a tremendous amount of good, and that that will become apparent as soon as the quarantine is lifted, and I don’t have to work so many hours.
I have a strong feeling that I should be doing something to improve my life situation. Possibly something drastic. The problem is, I have no idea what to do that would cause such an improvement at the moment. The phrase that’s been going through my mind is “the gears are stuck”. For the last couple of years, we’ve had a set of interlocking financial problems which have all kind of prevented each other from being solved. IE. Poor credit was preventing us from refinancing the house and paying off enough bills that our credit would improve. It’s like a Gorgon knot, and ive been putting life on hold until I work out a conventional solution rather than finding a sword to cut through it. The sense that I have to delay things until something happens has bled into all other aspects of my life as well. As in, I need to get these financial problems solved before I can go out and work on having a social life.
Thinking about it further I realize that I’ve been keeping myself in this kind of hold pattern in one form or another all my life.
There is a sense that my subconscious is working on a solution to my financial issues that is more outside of the box.
I have been analyzing my past romantic and sexual relationships. I’ve done this before pretty extensively on another company’s sub, but there I had important revelations about what I was doing wrong. This time I was able to see what I did right as well.
In the four cases where I’ve had any kind of real relationship, the girl came to me. I started off being kind of mysterious and aloof, and things went to crap when I became attached and let that image falter. That probably applies to my FWB type relationships and one night stands as well. What stopped me from doing a lot better with the ladies than I did (and that’s nothing to sneeze at) is that I had absolutely no clue about any of this. I just kind of acted like a more experienced guy with dark secrets and they came. What I need to do now is figure out how to update that for my age and life circumstances and figure out how to work in my making the initial contact with that.
Ok, it’s time to see what EmpQ and StarkQ do to me together. I’m running a playlist with Stark X2 EQX2 and Agis initiative COVID 19 X1. I get about ten hours of exposure on a work night, so I should get through the whole thing twice.
Had a reasonably good one day “weekend”. My wife and I got along well the whole time even though it’s, well, a time that she’s very prone to take anger and frustration out on me.
I noticed last week that the overnight supervisor treats me like an equal which he doesn’t do to anyone else. The guy has a very superior attitude with everyone else so far as I can tell, and treating me as an equal consists of him complaining about what dumbasses everyone else is. I’m not really a fan of that, but I haven’t let on, partly because I have to agree that some of them are dumbasses. I kind of smile and nod. I wonder if he talks about me like that in front of others, but I don’t think so. I don’t screw up much. Besides which, I really don’t care.
I’ve been reading a couple of Khan journals, and they got me thinking about what I need to do subliminal wise in the long term.
Turns out that my subconscious has been trying to tell me the same thing for a long time. I’ve had a recurring daydream of going back in time to the year between when I flunked out of my first college and when I moved to my second, and somehow bringing a collection of great subliminals with me. I think that I choose that time because it was the last time I had the ability to “pause” and re invent myself. I didn’t take that chance, and brought all of my negative thinking patterns into my new life with me, and all the same patterns continued to play out. I think about what I would have done differently had I been able to start making these mental changes twenty years earlier. It gets quite involved with running through a lot of specific scenarios. This is more than just a flight of fancy since it has stuck with me for a number of years. Since I switched to sub club, I always think of starting with khan.
It’s telling me that I need to run a “full reboot” type sub designed to make massive changes in stages sometime in the near future.
I’ve been running subs to deal with immediate problems, or surface things that I’m dissatisfied with, but haven’t had anything like total breakdown to get at the underlying problems that cause them. I need to really reinvent myself from the ground up to have the life I want. I will dedicate a year to running Khan, either starting mid year this year, or the beginning of next.
I’ve also learned to pay as much attention to my daydreams as I do to my night dreams. I think that since I rarely dream, or rarely remember dreaming anyway, my subconscious and perhaps my higher self or other entities use daydreams to communicate with me instead.
My wife’s parents gave us quite a bit of money out of the blue to get our vehicles registered and take care of some more immediate financial issues. This was unexpected.
I have been working 72 hour weeks since October. I am grateful for the opportunity to keep our heads above water, but I’m really starting to get tired.
- I’m about six hours in at the moment. I’m getting an increasing energy rising through my body. It feels really powerful. I feel like Superman, but I’m having trouble sitting still.
I’m also getting some very immersive visualizations coming with the energy. Some are very positive. Good things happening in the future, me reacting well to things I reacted badly to in the past.
Some however are disturbing, and they’re not new. I’ve had these fantasies since I remember, and they really jerk my focus off the real world. I’m THERE for a second. In them, I take power over someone. It’s usually someone who made me feel powerless in the past. I envision myself, well, utterly destroying that person (not always the same person). Not always physically, but I always gain an upper hand on them and then show absolutely no mercy. When this springs up, it brings up a sense of visceral rage. (Disclaimer folks: I’m not a violent psychopath or anything. I have never and will never act on any of these things)
I had gotten pretty good at shoving this down and getting control over it on subs that I’ve run before, but on this one I’m getting the impression that that might not be the right way to deal with it. That’s bought me temporary control at best.
Just shoving it back into its box may be the source of one of my biggest problems in life.
I am not a very emotional person. I don’t show much, and I don’t feel much except for that anger which I shove down as quickly as I can every time it rises.
To make a long story short, this comes primarily from having to suppress a whole lot of anger at an abusive parent who also relied entirely on me for emotional support. They did everything they could to me, but I couldn’t fight back for fear of hurting them enough that they’d make good on their constant suicide threats. It was a no win situation, so I just stuffed it all in.
I think the problem is that all of the rest of my emotions and passions are trapped in that box with the rage and can’t get to the surface. (Sorry for the long off topic rant here folks, but writing really helps me analyze stuff like this).
Damn. This is the source reason for a lot of my problems. I suppress my passions which has lead to a lack of motivation, lack of ability to really throw myself into perusing what I want in any sphere of my life, difficulty standing up for myself. Pretty much all the energy I need to become the man I want to be is hiding behind that pressure cooker of anger, and my trained in reflex to keep it locked away.
Now what do I do about that?
Tonight it was a bit different. Some of the good energy got out before the anger rose, and when it did, it was controllable enough that I could examine it a bit.
Maybe the key is to let it happen when in a safe and controlled situation.
This is one powerful stack and it feels great to run. This morning I read somewhere that the recommendation for running EmpQ with StarkQ was to run 3 loops of EmperorQ and make the rest StarkQ, but this one to one ratio with a couple loops of AI Covid 19 seems to be working for me.
I felt that powerful physical energy sensation for the rest of the time I was playing subs last night, and somewhat throughout the time after until I’d driven home and gone to bed. It really feels great, my entire body felt charged up on the inside, and it felt like someone had carbonated my aura as well. It did make me feel a bit restless since I had nothing physical I could be doing.
This morning when I left work I wasn’t paying attention to how I was moving until I got to my car and realized how upright I was walking, how relaxed it was, and how natural it felt. My body language has transformed completely since I started subclub and that’s something I’ve been working on with almost no success since 2008. The biggest thing I notice is that I don’t look down anymore. Not even to avoid things on the ground or step over curbs and such. I’m just a lot more confident in my physical movements. I hadn’t realized how much time I’d spent looking down before. That in and of itself is worth the price of admission.
When I got up, I felt a lot of stress and anxiety over certain bad things that could happen if I don’t get our financial situation sorted out PRONTO. This might be reconciliation, it might be that I’m just in a really stressful situation, and it might be the sub pushing me to DO SOMETHING!! when I really don’t have an idea of what to do that I am not already doing.
I am already working enough to count as two full time jobs.
This lead into anger and resentment of my wife. This is not entirely fair, she has MS, and the job market is really messed up right now, but still.
Once the stress subsided, it became really clear that my libido was not being suppressed on this stack like it seems to be on EQ alone. It was kind of distracting from the time I was getting ready for work to the time I got here.
I was thinking that I have to do something about this. I don’t see the wife much because of how much I work, and the one day a week I am home, her MS symptoms often prevent her from being able to (Its not just an excuse, she often can’t stand to have like a blanket touching her, let alone a person). I’ve quit porn and self service (seems to be something in the subs). I’d have to find someone who I could fool around with on my schedule. With the limited social contact I have. Maybe the manifestation parts will kick in. The distraction is annoying, this is far from my biggest problem right now.
I got into subs in 2008 because a lack of confidence had caused me to lose a job, and I had been on a search for a solution to the problem. Other subs have helped some of them a lot. But I was thinking I was more confident, or had less of a confidence problem when on them. Now, for the first time, I think I’ve crossed some line, and I can say that I am a confident person. I still have a ways to go to get my life where I want it to be, but that’s been my main stumbling block all along.
When I was listening to my last loop of AI Covid last night, I got a strong, immersive visualization of the whole crisis being over, and our financial crisis ending at the same time.
I’m about six hours in again, it’s on Stark. This time I’m feeling energy again, but this time it feels like restlessness and kind of nervousness in the pit of my stomach. I was thinking that maybe I was listening too much because tonight is not feeling nearly as good as last night was. I currently get ten hours per work night. That is four loops each of SQ and EQ and two of AI Covid 19.
After thinking about it, that’s not what’s going on. I think that Stark is pushing me to change some beliefs that make me really uncomfortable to change. That would explain the nervous feeling. Matter of fact, it feels kind of like I used to feel when I was going into various social situations as a kid. I’m probably having trouble with the fact that it’s pushing me to be more social. I knew that would be difficult.
I was the outcast all of my childhood, and that caused me to develop some really bad social phobias that lasted into my young adulthood, and while I’ve learned to function around them, persist to this day. That’s got to be what’s causing me discomfort. There’s nothing for it but to embrace the suck and keep going.
I do think that I’m going to take two nights a week off of subs rather than just one.
Not an altogether good day.
I had some pretty bad stress and anxiety when I woke up again. It lasted until I got to work. It’s focused on our financial situation and a number of things that could go bad at any minute. This anxiety feels different from what I had before starting on subs. The physical sensation is more one of humming energy all over my body where it used to be a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Still not pleasant though.
I thought about why the situation is currently making me so anxious. I think that there are two reasons. Number one: We really are in a fair bit of financial trouble, and it really could blow up on us. Outcome is uncertain, and I’ve been staving off disaster for way too long.
Number two: It is currently out of my control. In order to get equity out of our home and get rid of enough of the bills and financial issues, we both have to have an income. I am waiting on the wife to get one. It’s infuriating because I can’t control how much effort she’s putting in to that let alone if anyone will hire her.
This is causing me to feel a considerable amount of frustration and resentment toward my wife. I realize it’s unfair because she really does have a disability and the job market isn’t exactly favorable right now, but I feel it nonetheless.
I had a phone interview for another job this afternoon. I think that the anxiety I was feeling got in my way. I think that I came off nervous and didn’t communicate well. We shall see.