Man, Q really takes it out of me. Another rest day today and I woke up exhausted. I remember waking up in the middle of the night yesterday just angry as fuck. Bu I was so groggy and uninhibited I think I tried to punch or something. It’s like that anger that jumps out of your body and makes you want to smash something.
Anyway I was reflecting on some stuff in my life. I’ve become increasingly irritable and patience is wearing thin with people. But the question is what am I doing about it? Getting angry or upset with how I’m treated at this job in particular isn’t going to help. What helps is letting that shit go and figuring out a way to get what’s best for me. Stewing in that anger does me no good, it just hurts me and at the end of the day people are going to keep doing what they’re doing. Unfortunately I’m not in the type of position where I have leverage or power. I’ll admit my ego gets the best of me at times, I’d rather say fuck you to someone than play nice. But it takes a really secure confident person to just let shit go and let people think they have the power so you don’t butt heads and needlessly waste your energy.
That’s where I’m at right now. I basically want to get to a point where I laugh at these confrontations and power plays and just let it go. I don’t want to be the warrior or tough guy, screw that. Why bother? I’ve been edgy lately with everything thinking the anger and all that was me not taking crap from people anymore. But if I was truly beyond it, if I truly understood to my core that people weren’t a threat to me and they had no power over me, I wouldn’t feel anger. I’d understand it’s just a game and let them do their little dance and just make sure I look after myself.
I’m not gonna let a few bad apples ruin it for me. If I’m honest I’ve been so worried about everyone fucking me over lately that I’ve become jaded. And I don’t want to be a closed off person. I’ve done enough of that in my life.